Behind The Scenes Revamp

Going back to between Christmas and New Year I started some behind the scenes renovations that I wanted to carry out on this blog, the main one was the to totally overhaul my Music For Inspiration section, I wanted to simplify it a little and list the songs by artist.

Back then, even after only about 100 posts, it was slow process to sort and basically I abandoned my attempt and any changes to the Music page, I’ve been meaning to revisit the page for sometime, but never felt the urge to pick it up and start again.

So a little devoid of ideas of what to post this evening, I decided to pick up where I left off in January and revise that section of my blog, but unfortunately as it is a bigger task than a few hours this evening, there still isn’t much to see, but I will continue working on this and other changes over the coming weeks.

Don’t worry I don’t intend to change the content of what I write and how I write it, it will remain me, written by me, as always completely honest and completely me.

On another sadder note, some of you may remember these two characters from my post A Left Eye & The Guinea Fowl:

Sophie & James, The Donkeys

For over five years my first job upon arriving at work was to tend to these two lovable rogues, each morning I would put out their food, top up their water, periodically clean out their hooves, hold them whilst the farrier clipped their hooves and well the worst job relating to a pair of donkeys, is applying ointment to a male donkey’s privates, whist the other eats your jacket and you’re constantly watching that the bloody thing doesn’t take offence and kick you in the head.

Luckily for me James knew I was really there to help and refrained from kicking me in the head, but that didn’t stop Sophie trying to eat my jacket all the time, fun times and happy days.

But sadly this week I received the news that both donkeys were killed over the weekend, on Saturday morning they both escaped from their paddock and made their way across the neighbouring fields, only to find themselves on the train lines close by, where tragically they were hit and killed by the high speed London to Edinburgh train.

Having spent so many good times with the two of them, it is quite upsetting to hear of their fate, but also there is a sense of comfort that there was no great loss of life, the train it seemed continued with no significant damage and no injury to any persons.  A train hitting two donkeys at high speed could have ended in a fairly serious accident, thank God it didn’t and only two innocent donkeys lost their lives.

Rooftops by Jesus Culture
Here I am before you
Falling in love and seeking your truth
Knowing that your perfect grace
Has brought me to this place
Because of you I freely live
My life to you, oh God, I give

So I stand before You God
I lift my voice because you set me free

So I shout out your name from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am Yours, I am yours

All the good You’ve done for me
I lift up my hand up hand for all to see
You’re the only one
Who brings me to my knees
To share this love across the earth
The beauty of Your Holy Word

So I stand before You God
I lift my voice because you set me free

So I shout out your name from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am Yours, I am Yours
All that I am I place into Your loving hands
And I am Yours, I am Yours

Here I am, I stand with arms wide open
To the one, the Son, the everlasting God 

 

Community

On Sunday our little community here in the heart of Newark was torn apart by a gas explosion which although minor compared to the tragedy that has affected Oklahoma in the USA, has had far reaching effects in our local community.

Two people died in the explosion on Sunday afternoon, another is seriously ill in hospital, but families still remain homeless until their homes are made safe, if ever, some will be homeless for the foreseeable future.

Gas Explosion – Newark

This is when community does what it is supposed to do, it comes together to pull it’s resources, to help it’s own.  The small Church at the end of my street has become the hub of that community endeavour and Victoria has become the lynchpin of the process, she has taken one of the leading roles in coordinating the effort and I couldn’t be more proud of her, the only problem is, I don’t know how to tell her anymore, I want to tell her, but just can’t seem to find the right moment or the right time, but believe me, I am so proud of her.

The amazing thing is how things change at times like this;

Out of Tragedy Comes Community.

 But why do we have to wait for Tragedy, why can’t just have community pulling together all the time, what happened to our society when only tragedy brings us together, what happened to the old sense of community where our Grandparents stood together defiant during the War, why now do we seem to seek to always stand alone.

I will continue to pray for the families affected by the explosion here, just metres from my home and also for the thousands affected by the tornado in Oklahoma although thousands of miles from where I live, may the community there pull together like they have in this small area of my town has in the last few days.

BUILD US BACK by KNOW HOPE COLLECTIVE:
We’ve been crumbled, we’ve been crushed
City walls have turned to dust
Broken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back
When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We’ve been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe

Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that’s been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones

Purpose Vrs Worthless

It’s been another eventful day, an early start at Church this morning, in early to set up the cameras and test the live stream, job done set up on time and tested successfully!

More camera practice during the service, prior to the last few weeks, I’ve only been on camera a handful of times, but I’m getting the hang of it and hopefully improving my technique.

Following lunch with other members of the team which will be heading ECTV, we returned to Church to begin practice runs for the launch in just over a months time, the whole project seems extremely interesting.  Practice will continue over the next few weeks on Sundays and also further practice on Friday evenings, busy times, but good times.

I’m so glad I found my way to Everyday Champions Church, I don’t think I’ve felt so much a part of something as exciting as this, maybe when I was on the England Karate squad and competing around the world comes close, but back then I was ruining my potential by drinking, even back then when I wasn’t drinking to runaway from everything, I was just drinking, it didn’t have a hold on me, but it was something I just did out of habit, I guess that’s how these things happen, habits become addictions.

But now, as I said last week, it’s a completely different feeling, last year I was lost, after everything around me seemed to collapse, I had this enormous feeling that it was all over for me, I was washed up and worthless to anyone and everyone, I no longer had a use or purpose, at least those were the thoughts when I had that penknife at my wrists, those were the feelings that were driving my despair, they just ran through my mind, bouncing around in there, those and many others of worthlessness.  Lucky for me I wasn’t supposed to end my life, I was supposed to continue the fight and make it through, so I guess I’ve made it this far.

I’ve thought about those moments a lot over the last few days, not in a bad way, actually in a good way, on the way home after Wednesday evening’s Connect Group, Sarah our host asked me to prepare something to share with the group that explained what Christ’s death up on the cross meant to me, well straight away it was a no brainer, simple, I thought straight away back to those moments in my bathroom with that knife, those moments that through all the sad tormenting thoughts that were driving me, forcing that blade closer to my wrist, that just when those thoughts seem to have dominion, that blade stopped it gradual movement closer and one single thought seemed to blow the rest out of my mind, MY KIDS, it was the same thought every time, all those numerous times that this event played out.

“It would be better for my children to live with me as I am,
than live with the memory of what they were going to find!”

That one thought made me put that blade down, but I would be so angry, so so angry with myself, I felt I was in a state of limbo, neither living nor dead, trapped between the two, without the COURAGE TO LIVE or the COURAGE TO DIE.

But now I realise, now I know, Jesus died upon that cross for my sins,
He gave His life so I didn’t have to take mine.

Quite simply on that those sad days something was happening that it would take months to realise:

He held my wrists safe and whispered in my ear, He wouldn’t let me do it, it wasn’t my time.

So now I feel part of something exciting and I’m really looking forward to next few weeks, I now at least have a use and purpose.

On a sadder note tonight, after I got home this afternoon, I had a bit of tea and decided to take a nap, until I was woken a couple of hours later by the phone ringing, it was Victoria ringing to see if I had got home, as our street had been closed off by the Police.

Unbeknownst to me shortly after I fell asleep, a house only around the corner from where we live had been destroyed in a gas explosion, I never heard a thing, but that’s not uncommon, I once slept through a small earthquake, on that occasion I vaguely remember Victoria trying to wake me to tell me everything was shaking and things were falling off the walls, but I knew nothing until she told me in the morning, it seems this evening was no different, all this was happening around me and I was sound asleep.

My understanding is that there are casualties, but I’m not sure how badly the injuries are, but my thoughts and prayers are with those families affected by this evenings events.

I stand amazed at your love for me
That lonely night in Gethsemane
This sinner’s heart can’t help but thrill
To hear you pray Father not my will

What depth of love, what reach of grace
O how my grateful heart now aches
To sing it louder the refrain
Jesus died my soul to save

Atonement full, applied to me
The blood that spilled at Calvary
Has swallowed all my sin and shame
Now reconciled, in Jesus’ name

O such pleasure, o such pain
The Father’s wrath and fury laid
On Christ whom saints and angels praise
Jesus died my soul to save

Come you broken bound by sin
Let your weary journey end
Come and lay your burdens down
Where mercy rules and peace abounds

What can wash away my sin
Nothin’ but the blood
What can make me whole again
Nothin’ but the blood
(Jesus Died My Soul To Save by Pocket Full Of Rocks)

Avoiding Accidents

I’ve made no secret of how much music plays a major part in my life, although I play no instruments and sing only to traumatise rabbits on my walks into the wilderness, I have rarely gone anywhere alone in the last twenty odd years without headphones in my ears.  Over the years tastes change and songs rise and fall in popularity on my playlist.

About four years ago ,when I first got an iPod, there was one song I listened to that became one of the most popular on my playlist, in fact at was the most listen to song on my playlist at one point, but it’s the content of the song which now intrigues me somewhat.

The song was written by Nikki Sixx, former Motley Crue bassist, from the album The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack, which was based on Nikki’s his autobiography The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star, which details his journey into heroin abuse from December 1986 to December 1987.

The song chronicles his fall back into using after a period of abstinence from heroin, starting with the echoing words, “Don’t Give Up”.

At the point in my life when I discovered the song I was beginning to drink more and more, although life hadn’t fallen apart at that time, things at home were good, very good in fact and work was still ok, I wasn’t in my own private hell at that time, but it wouldn’t be long until I reached that horizon and started to fall over the edge.

But I loved this song, why?  I don’t honestly know, yes it’s a great song, with great lyrics, but I wasn’t struggling at that point, but the song etched itself into my mind.

Did this song pre-empt my future struggles?

To be honest, I don’t know, but I was drawn to it.

By design?

I’m not sure, but I’m beginning to think it was.

As my life began to slip from my grasp and my descent into my addiction began to take hold, I abandoned the song, my conscience seemed to tell me not to listen to it, I never removed it from my playlist, but I would skip it and avoid listening to it!

My addiction had control and seemed to want me to avoid anything that may come between me and this torrid love affair with my alcohol addiction, the message of this song was one my addiction didn’t seem to want me to hear.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been going through some of the songs on my iPod that I haven’t listened to in sometime, this one came up on the list and took my by surprise.

It played again on my iPod the other morning, as I walked by the lake on the way to work, it made me think why I subconsciously moved away from the song, why I avoided listening to it, why, when the message of the song is so vivid did I not want to hear it?

Addiction is a powerful thing, it really is amazing to see what lengths people will go to protect their addiction and also to feed their addiction.  In the back of your mind you know it’s wrong, you know you’ve got to snap out of it, but the addiction seems to be stronger than the will, the will to escape is smothered when we try on our own.

I honestly believe it is possible to escape from addiction by your own free will, but I didn’t have it, I was slipping on my own.  I found the will power to make that call to Gareth, I started the process of overcoming, but even then there was an urge to throw the phone away, to just delete the number, to runaway from it all again, but I at least found the strength to make that call and start a process of fighting my addiction.

I couldn’t have made those first steps to recovery without that phone call, the subsequent meeting Gareth and Alex, then the wonderful friends at Everyday Champions Church that have been by my side through this fight, but more importantly that phone call to Gareth brought God into my life.

Through prayer I found the strength to start the resistance, to begin the fight, to take those first steps out into the light, to climb from the bottom of that wretched bottle and start to breathe again, to live again.

Don’t worry about me, I certainly haven’t fallen of the wagon, I still firmly on it, I may slip back into my own mind and suffer for it, but I have the strength now at least to avoid the need to rush to shop to find my escape from the despair, I’ve found away beyond that now.  Yes I have low days, but through prayer and the friends I now have surrounding me, I don’t need to slip into my bottle to find a way out anymore.

I don’t intend to fall of this wagon, I’m on this wagon for the ride and I’m not getting off, but there is plenty of room on here for anyone that wants to join me.

Lyrics:
Don’t give up
It takes a while
I have seen this look before 

It’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore

I hear that you slipped again
I’m here cause i know you’ll need a friend

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s ok, we all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away

Take some time
Learn to breath
And remember what it means

To feel alive
To believe
There’s something more than what you see

I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s ok, we all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away

Don’t give up
It takes a while
(Accidents Can Happen by Sixx AM)

Alive

I don’t have many photos to share with you this week, strangely I haven’t taken many at all, but I have just one to share with you, it was taken on the morning after my low day, the morning after my Connect Group revitalisation and to be honest, there aren’t many views better than this to give you a bright start to a new day and make you feel ALIVE!!!!

A New Start

Naturally there was only one song to go with this post Alive, by Pocket Full of Rocks, as always I place me favourite lyrics from the song below the video, quite simply, I feel ALIVE!!!!

But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Over me!
Loudly, I sing
Loudly, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that’s made me so alive
I’m alive, I’m alive!
(Alive by Pocket Full of Rocks)

Feeling The Connection

It’s been a great end to what has been a real low day.  After yesterday evening, I just couldn’t get going this morning, there was no walk again, I just wanted to sleep, even after almost nine hours sleep, I could have slept for much longer.

Work was a real struggle today, I was so tired and things just didn’t click, I just couldn’t get into it, my mind just wasn’t on it, I really didn’t want to interact with anyone, I just wanted to get on with my job and get home.

James texted me midday, asking how the funeral had gone, so I was honest with him, I was struggling, I felt so low, worn and so down, but I told him how I was looking forward to my Connect Group this evening, as I knew it would be good for me.  From that point onward, just reminding myself of the need to get my Group got me through the day.

As I walked to the Group, this crazy thought came to me, on days like this before, days that were hard to get through, where stress was dominant, I couldn’t wait to get home to start drinking, the longer I waited the worse I got.  But now, I was desperate to get home so I could go to my meeting, the longer I waited the better I got, that’s the change in me now, being alone is no longer an option at times like these, being with friends like these is where it’s at.

We had a great meeting, at first I felt a little in and out of things, not that I wasn’t involved, just that my thoughts drifted around a little, but the more I became involved and especially when I was asked about specific times being in groups like this or around others from Church had helped, well tonight was one of those nights, just being there, just soaking up the support and love for one another was pulling me back to a sense of normality, by the end of the night, the low feelings had evaporated, I was back to feeling alive.

At times like these before, drinking alone was my default, to deal with this alone or rather to actually not deal with it was my preference, to drink to just forget it all, but now I love to have these friends around me, they bring the best out of me, they can make all my pain just disappear.  I know now I’m not to do it all alone, God lifts me to be with these people, He knows exactly what I need.

As I walked to the group with my iPod on, this song played, so as I walked I sang along, feeling every lyric, singing out to God, that’s when I started to feel the calm, the fluttering soul was now still, I knew He was there.

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here
(Be Still by Storyside:B)

May Angels Lead You In

I don’t really have a lot to say tonight, it seems to have been a long hard day, waking in the middle of the night again didn’t help, even after an early night, at half past one I was running with a poem in my head, I put it on here, then still not able to switch off added to a poem I started with a few weeks ago, then I had just two verses, I added a few more then finally finished it this morning.

My Nanna’s funeral went really well, I thought I was doing okay to hold it all together, but then whilst waiting at my Aunt’s house, it hit me when the coffin arrived, from that point I was fighting the tears all the way, they finally flowed at the Church and then at the cemetery.

I’m so tired now, when I got home I slept for over two hours, only to wake feeling so drained and numb, it was hard to even walk or move about.  That’s unsteadyness lifted now, but I still feel so worn and tired.

My Nanna was a woman of strong faith, it was said in the funeral service that she had commented that she knew where she was going.  Last night my mind was full of this song, in light of my Nanna’s faith, I’m sure the angels led her in.

And if you were with me tonight
I’d sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn’t let it live
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads
The sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
(Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World)