Finally Resolved – Daily Prompt: Resolved

Finally Resolved – Daily Prompt: Resolved
Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution that you kept.

Another nightmare year slowly comes to a close, the desolation of my life seems to expand beyond the horizon visible to my tired eyes, the landscape of scorched earth I’ve created.

I’m falling slowly apart, I’m sinking gradually further, I don’t want to but I can’t help myself, this endless cycle just keeps rolling onwards, gathering momentum, eventually it will come to a halt in catastrophic consequences, unless I wake, unless I do something, unless I put up a fight, I want to I really do, but I am weak, I am taken, I am owned by a beast within, the one I’ve lost control to.

The only one I love has reached the horizon, I try to shout out, but my voice has abandoned me, I want to say I love you, but my fear silences me, I heard those words once before, they broke me in two back then, we made it through together that time, but this time is different, I don’t want to hear them again, my heart is fragile it doesn’t want to hear those ten painful words;

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you!”

I need to sort myself out, I know I have to change, I know I need get a grip, before she finally takes that step beyond my horizon, time is slowly running out, the longer I wait the harder the consequences will be.

What is it I need to do? Why I am in this hole? Why is my world dark? Why are my thoughts trapped by my need to be me?

How can I change? What can I change?

I know I must do something, it has to start sooner rather than later, the New Year creeps slowly into this lone soul’s view, I need a resolution, to wake up tomorrow a new man, to rid myself of the depressive existence I’ve fallen into.

It’s time to cut down my drinking, trim the fat of this tired old body, become who I used to be, the man that was once loved. That’s my resolution, that’s what I’m going to do, I can do it, I’m going to fight, it’s time to give chase.

I’ll finish this night with a drink, after all tomorrow will be a new start, a new chance for me to get things back on track.

New Year’s day rises with a winter sun, the first morning of the New Year passes and slowly the beast within rises, it’s thirsty and it needs to be tamed. Now it’s time to fight, I made that resolution as the bells rang out, it’s time to put the beast back into it’s cage, time to throw away the twisted key and get on with my life.

It’s a test of strength, a time to shine, with just twelve hours of this resolution elapsed, it’s time to prove my worth, time to fight the beast and rescue the fair maiden.

I stand my ground, I fight with all my will, but I am weak, I need help, fast. I turn to find the tools with which to fight, I look around the confines of this tiny life, please I need help, I need armour, I need a weapon, I reach out, I grasp for all I can find, it doesn’t matter what, anything will do, anything.

Anything but that, anything but what I find, the beast changes the game plan, sabotage, I look to my hands, their grasping tightly, I don’t want it, but I can’t fight it anymore, the thirteenth hour approaches, I’m dead already!

My weakness has won out, the beast has triumphantly risen, I reached out in my solitude and found only one thing that would tame the beast within, I wouldn’t last long, it’s just a temporary measure, before the beast is thirsty and it rises once again.

This medication I can’t escape, the life source of the beast within, I can’t control it, I’m still lost, the beast has me pinned down and my love closes in on the horizon ahead, she’ll be gone soon, with her will go the sunlight and the darkness will consume me, it won’t be long, it will be over.

How long now before it’s over, hours, days maybe months but time is running out, soon my life will come crashing to a halt, the beast will have won and I will have lost everything I once loved and cherished.

Just thirteen hours the resolution held, the fight is over. I will crawl slowly towards the horizon, I will give chase with all I have left, but my heart is turning black, the shadow of the beast hangs over it, consumed, dying.

I hold out for ten more weeks until she takes that last step, then she finally disappears over the horizon and out of my view, I hear her call back to me, the echo of those ten words hitting my heart like a poisoned dagger.

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you!”

It’s all over now, I don’t want to keep fighting anymore, I want to end it all in darkness, I’ve done with life. But the poison dagger has infused the blood, the beast rises, celebrating victory with reckless abandon, until I look for the way out, to pick up a blade to put an end to us both forever.

But a light flickers, I feel a new presence, the game is changing, I’m no longer alone, someone I can’t see is tenderly holding my wrists and whispered words on a divine breeze float into my heart, these words are strong from a source I don’t understand, they meet the beast head on, take up the fight on my behalf.

My eyes are seeing that which no one can see, my heart reaching for a new life within the light, the light ceases to flicker, it floods all I am, bringing with it a new strength. With this light as my strength I start to fight back, the beast has to be silenced, with a new will and hope I put up one final battle.

With the light in my heart the beast is defeated, it is finally locked deep within. I see a long journey ahead of me now, a long path I must walk, I may be too far behind to recapture the love I’ve let slip away, but I’ll keep walking towards the horizon, no matter what I find, I will trust in the light.

Brokenness has brought me to my knees
Face to face with all that’s dark in me
I can barely see You through my shame
Jesus come and wash me white again
Flood me with Your healing light
Help me choose what’s true and right
(Undivided Heart by Vicky Beeching)

17 thoughts on “Finally Resolved – Daily Prompt: Resolved

      1. cookie5683

        Wayne, I have said those words before, ignorant to the effect or true meaning. Only upon hearing them spoken to me did I want to take everyone of them back.
        Love is an emotion as much as an action, I believe.
        Not having but a few loves in my life my wisdom may seem lacking. However, because I do not give my heart so freely, I morn the losses still. In telling you this I want my point to be clear when I say: love is never truly lost only misplaced.
        You have been blessed with the knowledge that hope and faith will bare fruit through the richness of your experience.
        I know you will find it again.

        Reply
        1. waynemali Post author

          Cookie,
          I know, I’m sure deep down there is something still there, I saw something in the eyes on Xmas day, but I keep praying, you never know what God has in his plans for us.
          Thank you so much for your kind comments.
          Wayne

          Reply
  1. robin claire

    Hi Wayne,
    Are you coming off the holiday “bender”? I don’t mean a drinking “bender”, I’m talking about an emotional “bender”. Just know that from where I sit (just about 33 years sober) you have been fighting through the holidays to stay away from the drink, and now you’re spent strength-wise. This is a time to emotionally REST!!! I know you’ve been hearing awful words from your spouse right now, but most probably, God wants your marriage to survive because “what God has joined together, will not be broken.” This is only what I believe – and hope – for you. Anyway, during this time of rest, it’s very important not to try to take on new challenges – like trying to get your marriage back together. It’s time to go to God, not your family. I know it hurts, it most probably hurts like hell. Know that I’ve been there. I, myself, went through a sober divorce. It hurts like the devil!!

    You need to keep going sober. Even when you hurt like the dickens, you need to keep sober. At many points in my sobriety, I have laid PROSTRATE before God, BEGGING him for relief from the pain. But I HAD to go through what I HAD to go through pain-wise, to REALLY see HOW MUCH I needed to live in God’s strength, and not my own. I see that you really want that, but [for some reason] it takes a great deal of pain and pressure to REALLY get that in the gut. This has been my experience looking backward.

    Now, I’ve come to a place sober where I am NEVER away from the presence of the Holy Spirit! And I mean – NEVER!!! I am aware of this Spirit in my on a 24/7 basis. There is never ONE MOMENT that goes by that I’m not aware of this Spirit’s presence in me. I live ONLY by the strength and love of this Spirit inside me. And I know this only because I have been burned – and burned – and burned whenever I have strayed away from it.

    Love to you, and many, many hugs to you too, my sober buddy. You’re doing great!!
    robin

    Reply
    1. waynemali Post author

      HI Robin
      Thank you for your tender concern, I’m OK really, there seems to be something about the Daily Prompt that when I start writing it allows me to release alot of pent up stuff.
      I pray for my situation everynight, I keep going on my path and as you say leave the relationship to God, although today once I started typing I don’t think I intended it to be what it turned out to be, but when I write I go with it, I let it out I don’t hold it back.
      Our relationship will be sorted in due course one way or the other and I will trust God as to which way that will go, I know what my heart wants, but whether that is in God path for the both of us I don’t know, I only know what I feel and thats hope. Incidently we aren’t actually married, but we have been together since 1997, a long time to just walk away from.
      So I’ll keep praying and trusting, we’ll see what the New Year brings, but honestly I’m ok, but thank you so much for your concern, it means alot.
      Wayne

      Reply
      1. robin claire

        Hi Wayne,
        I’m so glad to hear you’re all right. And whether you were married “legally” [by our – man’s – opinion] or not, I believe you are married in God’s eyes. Being “legal”. That’s must man’s crap.
        robin

        Reply
        1. waynemali Post author

          Robin
          Thank you so much, for your oh so kind comments, you are becoming one of my rocks to lean on, I hope you don’t mind?
          God Bless you always
          Wayne

          Reply
  2. jumpingonclouds

    Yes. Yes. Yes!!! That new love breaking into your presence is the only one who can heal us. I’m thanking God for intervening in your life. The beast is a powerful liar and enemy, but he has NO chance as long as you stay connected to Jesus. We are being renewed one day at a time. I pray for your complete restoration. You won’t even recognize yourself in the years to come. Blessings to you!

    Reply
    1. waynemali Post author

      Thank you for kind comments, they are very much appreciated.
      By the way look out for my story on Lisa’s blog on Sunday 6th I think, I’m looking forward to seeing it myself.
      Wayne

      Reply
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