Holding On To Hot Coals

I am sure I am not alone, in knowing that I have secrets that I keep, deep secrets, secrets I keep through fear of being seen as, well I guess sinful, that was best word I could come up with really.

Some secrets are minor, not enough to really worry about, happily buried in the fog that clouds my mind sometimes, hidden away, but if they do come to the forefront of my memories, they will do little damage to my sanity or my standing in the eyes of others, should they ever come out.

But there are others, others that as much I as I want to be free of them, they haunt me still, I can’t let them out, I am afraid of how others will view me in the light of these fresh revelations.

It hurts to hold onto them, I know that now, these secrets are like hot coals held in the palm of my hand, I can’t let go of them, I hold on tighter, I can’t juggle with them for fear of looking stupid and I can’t just throw them away either for fear of them being found.  I just hold on tightly to them, but they burn, they burn the palm of my hand, the pain gets harder to deal with, but I keep holding, I’ve held on so long now my hand and the coal have become one, they have fused together, now almost impossible to separate.

But shouldn’t I have learnt my lesson here, I held on to the secret of my drinking, I kept that a secret from everyone, including myself, until it almost destroyed me.  I know the freedom that was gained by admitting my failure to the world, the out pouring of support was utterly overwhelming, nobody I have told has judged me, only helped and encouraged me, the scars on my hands from holding onto that coal are almost healed now, just faint lines are all that is left.

But why do we keep holding on to others, after all only one can judge me, only one truly knows my heart and the secrets within it, but he, our Lord, looked beyond my failures and gave me the strength to start the rebuilding of my life, he saw something within these Broken Buildings, something beyond the dark secrets of my past.

Moments of regret used to be
The thoughts that often times consumed me
As shadows hid the eyes that said it all
It’s left me here in broken buildings
(Broken Buildings by Seventh Day Slumber)

I know that I have to let go of the hot coals I am holding, in time I will, this Blog has given me a freedom I’ve never known before, to write down everything, my fears, my hopes, my failures and my victories, so I am sure that one day I will just sit down, write down my greatest secret and with great reluctance click the publish button and share it with the world.

5 thoughts on “Holding On To Hot Coals

  1. candycoatedreality™

    We all have secrets!! The ultimate “secret” is to release them. The past is the past. Learn & move forward 🙂

    Whether you share your secrets or not… I urge you to work at forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Simply try. Pick a secret, forgive yourself a lil each day, then more the next and when ready… Move on to the next secret!!! Knock those suckers down like bowling pins 🙂

    Truely, what anyone else thinks really doesn’t matter… the only opinion that matters is your own!! Perhaps one day soon you will find complete inner peace 🙂

    Reply
  2. theredsoxsavedmylife

    I shudder at secrets. Those events that I participated in I was sure would drive me insane and later kill me. They almost did. I found a new beginning in letting them out. To one person. I was humbled and free. And it took what it took. A long time. Desperation to move on. And a little bravery. Whatever you have is not worth dying over. Good post glad to read.

    Reply
  3. 1day4life

    Ew, secrets…I don’t like this word! I have many secrets. I haven’t given it much thought until reading your post. Well, I have thought of them as sins, crimes, and such, but not “secrets”. That is what they are though. Those nasty skeletons in our closets. That is where we hope to keep them stored. Or, in corners of our mind, reserved only for the darkest. I am forever grateful that there is One that I can trust to tell everything, anything, secrets… Sometimes, though, I must admit, I am so ashamed that I don’t even want to tell my HIgher Power, God! Even though I know He already knows, it’s almost like telling him (confessing) causes the sin/secret to grow…swell up like an infected laceration! Wow! This post you wrote, Wayne, definitely made me so some thinking! Keep posting, keep walking…one day at a time!

    Reply
  4. waynemali Post author

    It was very odd that after posting this, I found my secrets became everymore trivial, I have plans to release some of my secrets in due course, so I can be free of those last chains of my former self.

    Thank you all for your responses and your kind words of encouragement.

    Reply

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