My Rollercoaster Seven Days

It’s the end of what has been the most incredible seven days, seven days that started with freedom, through days of self-doubt and ending with the realisation that I am ready and available for the great things that are to happen in my life.

Last weekend was just amazing, starting with Friday night, where I got the opportunity to let out the deepest secrets of my “lost years” and finally find some inner peace, these “hot coals” that were burning my insides have now been extinguished, those chains of my former self have now been broken, I am close to total freedom, close to flying with the eagles above.

The whole weekend was an incredible experience with great people and a great venue. I learnt so much over the weekend, so much to help on my journey through life and my spiritual journey.

The only draw back to the whole weekend was the bruised rib I picked up from the five-a-side football, still not sure how someone standing 6ft 8in can elbow someone 5ft 4½in in the rib!

Sunday morning in Church was fantastic, my moment on stage went well and was extremely positive, I felt lifted. I realised over this weekend that the only chains left holding me down now were my own character flaws, my introvert self, to break these chains I’ve got to move out of my Clark Kent clothing and start living in the Superman outfit, bring the two parts of my life together, as previously discussed in “Am I Clark Kent or Superman”, the everyday me needs to be more like the karate instructor me, I’ve got to start lifting myself out from behind the shyness.

Monday brought all these thoughts back to reality, I experienced massive self-doubt, I found myself walking both Monday and Tuesday morning and crying out to God, as I didn’t feel ready to deal with a situation that arose on Sunday afternoon, a situation the Lord had clearly prepared me for and I thought at the time I handled well. But this morning the reality of the situation hit and I sunk back in to my doubting self, I didn’t know how to handle it, I didn’t think I could see it through, I needed guidance, I cried out and I got the answer’s I needed, answers that were not what I expected, but I followed them and they led me to very people to help me deal with what was happening to me.

“Do not look into your own mind to ask yourself if you are ready,
look in to your heart and ask the Lord if he thinks you are ready,
you may get an answer you never expected”.

Having spoken those words at Church on Sunday and posted them on this blog later that day, I now stumbled badly on them, I was looking into the limitations of my own mind for answers and telling myself I wasn’t ready to handle this, but once again that didn’t matter I was clearly being told I was, my God thought I was ready for this, so why am I still doubting?

This is my natural self, the shy, doubting, non-believer, the boy who hid behind his parents when they greeted friends in the street, I’ve never grew out of this shy persona, I just put on a suit and become someone else until the time came to take it off. But those who I have spoken with about my experiences this week believe I’m ready too, they have seen me grow over the last few months, if they believe I’m ready and my God believes I’m ready, then it’s time to believe in myself, time for me to believe that I really am ready.

I started to break those chains Sunday, I took a few well guided swings at the chains, then I stumbled and dropped the axe, but with the support and assurances from those around me, I’ve picked up that axe, I am going to smash these last chains that hold me back, that keep me grounded, that stop me flying with eagles, I will break free from myself, I will follow my path and strive to achieve my potential.

It’s time to move outside our comfort zone
To see beyond our churches and our homes
To change the way we think and how we spend
Until we look like Jesus again
(Break Our Hearts by Vicky Beeching)

I am ready and available for the whatever the Lord has in store for me, I am not going to shy away, I may still need guidance to handle the situations that come my way, but I won’t be crying out I’m not ready anymore, help me, yes, but I’m not ready, never again.

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