I love Thursdays, every Thursday that rolls around is special to me, I cherish them and praise God for each one, each and every Thursday is now a day to celebrate, not a big lavish celebration, no parties, just me and my thoughts, celebrating.
Well today I celebrate 35 weeks of sobriety, 35 very long weeks at times, at other times it seems like 35 very short weeks, it is a hard ride sobriety sometimes, it’s easy others, but it does get easier the further away from Thursday 29th March 2012 I get, I count every week, I count everyday, why? Because as long as I’m counting I’m still walking my path, when I stop counting then I stop this journey and I’m back at a place I don’t want to be!
Each day I write, I write about my day, my feelings, the good and the bad, my hopes and my fears. Each page is counted, each week is counted and each day is counted, as I say I have to, it may seem a little over the top to some, a little OCD, but to me it is one of the most important things I do, I count the days and the weeks.
I must never stop doing it, other things have come and gone, I’ve tried them, I’ve adapted them, I’ve abandoned them, but this one thing is my habit now, simply to count the days, each day is another step away from who and where I was.
If a day comes where I can no longer count, when that counter reverts back to zero, then my demons will be back in control and this is the greatest fear that I live with. I don’t trust myself to try even one drink, that one small drink. When I am out with friends and I see others politely enjoying a drink, I have to fight an instinct that one little drink will be ok, but I know it wouldn’t, I know one would become two, two would become three, then where would it stop and at that point I would have fallen and ultimately would have to stop counting.
I’ve learnt to fight that urge, to bury it, it still rears it’s ugly head, but I fight it. I have no reason to begrudge anyone drinking around me, if they can enjoy a simple drink with that wonderful element of control, then I am happy for them and I can handle that as long as I am still counting.
When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here
(Be Still by Storyside:B)
I’m holding on to something great now, something fantastic, something I never dreamt I would ever embrace, when all felt lost I put my faith in the Lord, when I was down I asked for help and now I count everyday, I pray that I never have to start counting again, I pray continually that I can keep finding the strength to resist and wall tall on this journey. When I’m in my darkest hours, I will be still and will know he is here with me, I am not alone, then I know I will be able to keep counting.