Last night’s post “Wylie & Me” was definitely the hardest blog entry I’ve created thus far, it brought tears as I walked on Sunday morning, I was preparing it in my mind and crying as I walked, I knew it would be hard.
Then I as typed on Sunday evening I cried even more, I cried as I typed, I cried as a reread the post, then cried again as I edited it and added further memories, then once again cried as I re checked it. I had to fight to press the publish button, I’m not sure why, but I just had to work hard to push that button, was I happy with the post? I don’t know I thought I was. I guess this one laid me bare more than I wanted to be, this was one of the last Hot Coals that I was holding on to, it was burning me in many ways, but now it’s out, that burning has gone and I feel the relief.
I realised something tonight, that my favourite picture of all time is this one, it was at the bottom of Wylie & Me, I just love it, he sat there so calm, unflustered by the fact a two year old is sat on his back quietly playing, it looks just like she’s sat on a stuffed toy, simply beautiful.
When I walked yesterday morning, I tried desperately to pick a song to post with it, but I just couldn’t think of one, so I prayed for a song, usually when I do this a song comes on my iPod that is just relevant, it’s usually perfect. Well a song did play, the song was Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North, the message was let it go, the Lord was saying to me just let it go, I’m so glad I did.
“But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go”
(Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North)
This Thursday I turn 39, another year chalked up. There were times this year I was sure I wouldn’t make it, there were times when I really didn’t want to make it, I was ready to end it there and then, but I’ve made it and yes the feeling is actually fantastic.
But I’ve made the decision that I am not going to celebrate my birthday, I don’t want to, it’s not important that to me, what is important however are the days and weeks to be counted!
Yes the 6th December is my birthday, but it is also it will also be 36 weeks since my last drink, 36 weeks of sobriety, 252 sober days, now that is worth celebrating, I would rather receive encouragement for that than birthday wishes.
I know that this seems a bit strange, even a bit selfish, but that’s the way I want it, that’s the way I see it, at this point in my life sobriety is more important than my birthday, so please do not send me any birthday messages.
But please feel free to toast (with a soft drink, lime n soda or Pepsi max, preferred) my 36 weeks of fantastic sober days with best wishes for the next 36!