#iThankyou – Fighting The Urge To Run & Hide

Today has been a real struggle, probably, not probably definitely the worst day I’ve had since I walked into the Everyday Champions Church on the 1st April last year, I’ve had bad days in the eleven months or so since then, but today I really hit the lows of my former self once again.

This last ten days has drained me of any energy, I just can’t get going, the headache which has clouded my week just wouldn’t go away and it really has taken it’s toll.

Despite my early alarm, it took me an hour to get out the house, I didn’t have the energy or the will power for a long walk, so I decided to just walk to the lake and sit for a while, it was freezing, it was windy and despite it being March it was trying to snow, real uplifting weather!

I love sitting by the lake, it has been a source of peace and inspiration, whether it’s been a stunning sun rise or gloomy weather, it’s been a place I can go to escape, to find my quiet peace.

This morning it was so different, I was at such a low, I was so stuck deep inside the turmoil of my own mind that there was no inspiration, it was all desperation, desperation, desolation and depression that I’ve not felt since Mothers Day last year, this morning it all came rushing back and the same feelings of self-worth or actually lack of it, flooded my mind and I lost my hope.

As I sat there I entertained the notion of just standing up and walking into the lake, just taking everything I had with me and walk into the water, I was convinced that if I did, no one would miss me, I just wanted to disappear.

Mothers Day last year was the day I stood in my bathroom with a knife at my wrist, ready to put an end to the pain I was in then, that was the day when I couldn’t end it, so I decided to change it, to sort my life out.

Almost one year later I’m back in my own head, struggling with the trappings of my former self, this morning was a low that wouldn’t go away easily.

So, cold and feeling low, I returned home and got in the bath in an attempt to calm myself and sort myself out.  Whilst laying there I continued reading the Book of Acts from the New Testament, to a certain extent that was helping.

But as I lay there I realised how low I was sinking, I felt so low I was convincing myself I wasn’t going to go to Church, I actually didn’t want the people who had helped me so much see what I was becoming, I felt letting them see me like this was letting them down, they had done so much for me over the last eleven months I really didn’t want them to see that I fallen back so far.  It took a great effort to get up and get myself ready.

For me it was a real slow walk to Church, it crossed my mind to just keep walking, I don’t know where, but again for a moment I really didn’t want to go to Church, but I knew deep down I had too, I was scheduled to help out with the lighting on the A.V. desk today, I made it to Church, not in a good way, but I was there in body, if not in spirit.

As I walked in I met with Paul and Jo Tilley, both know what has been happening over the last week and both have been really comforting, but as I walked in with Paul, it all came out, I just broke down into tears and told him everything, about the lake, the lot, I needed to tell someone and as he was the first person I met with, it he that I released it all to.

Paul was great, he insisted that I come for dinner after the service, I really didn’t want to invade, it is after all Mothers day, but he insisted and I agreed.

I really did try to compose myself, but I just kept losing it with everyone that came by, I really was lost within myself, I just cried with everyone that stopped to talk.  I excused myself from my duties with the A.V. Team, Dom who I was supposed to be working with was very understanding, so I took a seat, my normal seat right at the back in the corner, alone, just as the first day I walked into Church, the seat I returned to every time, my seat.

I really tried my best to get into Worship, I wasn’t really feeling it but I was giving the best I could, despite the continuing headache and the extreme tiredness, I sang along as best I could.

I had spoken with Gareth shortly after I took my seat, we spoke last week so he was aware of the my current issues, so I told him how I was feeling, although I don’t think I told him about the episode at the lake, I only spoke about that to Paul, he was very helpful and calming.  His preach was great as usual, once again it seemed like he was talking directly to me, like his whole preach was created to be spoken to me, I know it isn’t but that’s the way it felt today, again!

It was hard to sit there and just listen, the thumping headache just wouldn’t budge at first, each and every time I closed my eyes in pain, I had to fight to stay awake, if I closed my eyes I drifted off, if I kept them open my headache took control.  I fought to listen to every word, I have downloaded the Podcast and I will, as is now my routine, listen to it whilst walking in the morning.  His word was clear, we should give Thanks to God before everything, the good, the bad, the everything, whatever we are going through give thanks, no matter how bad it is, be thankful.

I understood what he was saying, I always start my prayers with thanks for the strength I’ve received to get as far as I have, but it is easy to see all this stress and anguish as a problem, yes it’s a test, I know that, this test may last until after the funeral on Tuesday, it may hound me until 29th March, my Sober Anniversary, but however long it lasts, I will give thanks for it, because no matter how low I have felt today, I’ve been there before and beat it, I will beat it again, it’s a test and I will not fall, I will rise again.

I can’t actually remember when my headache disappeared, but I don’t actually remember feeling it since I left Church.  I had a wonderful dinner with the Tilley family, they made me feel extremely welcome and I am thankful to them for that.  Paul and Jo were very understanding and once again very calming.

I returned home after dinner and just laid down and slept for a couple of hours.  It’s funny, but I don’t feel like the same person that left for Church this morning, that person was in pain, he was angry, he was low, he was beaten down.  This person who’s fingers are working this keyboard to share this with you all, is completely different, I haven’t felt this together since I got the news about my Nanna’s passing, I don’t really understand how these things can happen, how such a change can come to pass in just a matter of hours, but God has his way of working his miracles and despite my reluctance to get up and get to Church this morning, I made it and through his people he has pulled me through once again.

A year ago he lead me to the Everyday Champions Church to bring me from the edge and one year later he lead me back to save me from returning to the that edge, for that I will be ever thankful to him and everyone at ECC.

Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
(The Hurt And The Healer by MercyMe)

24 thoughts on “#iThankyou – Fighting The Urge To Run & Hide

  1. dianarasmussen

    I have been there too. Sometimes the strangest self-destructive thoughts have come into my head. Today I know they are not from God, but from the Accuser of the Brethren. You are a citizen of Heaven now, and the Devil is not happy about it. But you stood strong, in God and in His Word, despite your feelings. Now that is Victory my friend! You are a new creation in Christ, you have the mind of Christ, and you are being transformed from glory to glory. Thank you for sharing this, you will help many. God bless you and keep you friend.

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Diana
      Thank you, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m helping others, just bringing them down with me, when I seem to be whinging about the bad parts of my life. But, I understand how a) talking about these issues & b) writing about overcoming them, can help others also, I just need reminding of that sometimes, so thank you.

  2. Barbara

    This is why service is such an important part of recovery in AA. If you hadn’t been expected to do the AV you might not have made it to church today. The fact that you didn’t end up doing it is irrelevant, the service got you there. The memory of that will keep you going, as one day, you being there might be all that is needed to save someone’s life.

    Very glad you are here to tell the tale. Anniversaries are good to have, but remember it is always one day at a time xxx

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Barbara
      So true, I guess as much as I didn’t want to let people down by letting them see me that way, I also didn’t want to let them down by just ignoring my obligations, your right it got me there where I needed to be, where He wanted me to be.
      It been a tough few weeks, but I’m getting there, still a few memories and anniversaries to deal with, but they are the better ones to be honest.
      Thanks so much for your support.

  3. nopew

    Cyber-world is still fairly new to me, but I know that we who know you through blogging would certainly miss you!! You are blessed to have flesh and blood people who support and care for you. So, maybe you can feel the love from around the world aimed at your heart.

    1. waynemali Post author

      In responding to all the great comments just like the many you have left me over the last few weeks, I realise how much I would actually be missed, I have so many great people, who I may never meet, but they support & look out for me, I know I will be missed, I let my insecurities take control last week, this week I look forward with optimism to a SoberYear & a year in Church, time to start the celebrations!
      Thanks for all your kind words & support.

  4. livinginobscurity

    I am so glad that you have people in your life to carry you in these seemingly dark and painful times. God gives us rest when we most need it as He did for you. I
    believe God transcends time and space so I am praying for the spirit of death to broken off you right now in Jesus name and His Spirit fill you to overflowing. Never stop sharing with people, the body of Christ is meant to function with us carrying each others burdens. We are to help one another when we stumble and fall, when we have no faith in and of ourselves, and in those times of rejoicing and celebration too. We need each other. You can never disappoint people who really care about you, and you are never a disappointment to God! Praying for continued strength for you in your innermost being! And, don’t be ashamed to let God carry you through this time of grieving.

    1. waynemali Post author

      Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I have spent so much time alone in the past I sometimes drift back there, even though I know I can’t do this alone! He has brought me to people who can help me, good people who no matter what are there for me, people at Church and good people like yourself, after last weekend I know now more than ever the importance of being there for others and letting others be there for you.
      Thank you again

  5. Lori Lara

    Wayne, I’m so glad you chose to go to church. What a great sign of recovery…It’s amazing how volatile our feelings can be – they can feel so big and permanent, but really they’re fleeting. I’ve had some pretty big downs the past couple of weeks, too. Let’s just keep pressing on, brother. Sending you hugs and support.

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Lori
      Thank you, it’s true we let our problems become bigger than ourselves, but we try to handle them alone, I realise it’s times like these we need our friends to lend a hand. I’m so grateful to everyone’s support, I can’t express my gratitude enough.

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Lisa
      It was a little on the long side, but when I start to write I just let it all out. I don’t always see it as courage, I sometimes think I’m complaining about my life, but in opening up I always find the help I need from good people like yourself.
      Thank you so much

  6. writerwannabe763

    Wayne..right now I can identify with some of what you’re saying…I am having feelings that I haven’t felt since my depression cleared some 3-4 years ago… While I don’t feel I am back in depression I am unnerved because of how I’m feeling… But I also know God is with me and will ease me out of them…take care, glad you’re feeling better…Diane

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Diane
      It was a little alarming to feel like that again after almost a year, but all the wonderful support I get pulled me through, thank you for all your support.
      God bless

  7. Patty B

    I may not completely understand but my heart is with you. My dad often gave in – I pray you remain strong. You have many people who love you – and God is biggest your fan! God bless you –

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Patty
      I guess it’s not an easy thing for some to get their head around, but regardless just being there for someone is the main thing, I’m so glad I have the support of people like yourself, thank you so much.

  8. ranthegauntlet

    I was that low today, too. Made it through. There are those out there in the blog world who have been through these down times, and now flourish. I want to see both of us there. Blessings!! Diane

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Diane
      I’m so sorry that you have been there also, I don’t wish that on anyone, I hope your are pulling through okay, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe one day we will meet and celebrate our victories together.


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