Today has been a real struggle, probably, not probably definitely the worst day I’ve had since I walked into the Everyday Champions Church on the 1st April last year, I’ve had bad days in the eleven months or so since then, but today I really hit the lows of my former self once again.
This last ten days has drained me of any energy, I just can’t get going, the headache which has clouded my week just wouldn’t go away and it really has taken it’s toll.
Despite my early alarm, it took me an hour to get out the house, I didn’t have the energy or the will power for a long walk, so I decided to just walk to the lake and sit for a while, it was freezing, it was windy and despite it being March it was trying to snow, real uplifting weather!
I love sitting by the lake, it has been a source of peace and inspiration, whether it’s been a stunning sun rise or gloomy weather, it’s been a place I can go to escape, to find my quiet peace.
This morning it was so different, I was at such a low, I was so stuck deep inside the turmoil of my own mind that there was no inspiration, it was all desperation, desperation, desolation and depression that I’ve not felt since Mothers Day last year, this morning it all came rushing back and the same feelings of self-worth or actually lack of it, flooded my mind and I lost my hope.
As I sat there I entertained the notion of just standing up and walking into the lake, just taking everything I had with me and walk into the water, I was convinced that if I did, no one would miss me, I just wanted to disappear.
Mothers Day last year was the day I stood in my bathroom with a knife at my wrist, ready to put an end to the pain I was in then, that was the day when I couldn’t end it, so I decided to change it, to sort my life out.
Almost one year later I’m back in my own head, struggling with the trappings of my former self, this morning was a low that wouldn’t go away easily.
So, cold and feeling low, I returned home and got in the bath in an attempt to calm myself and sort myself out. Whilst laying there I continued reading the Book of Acts from the New Testament, to a certain extent that was helping.
But as I lay there I realised how low I was sinking, I felt so low I was convincing myself I wasn’t going to go to Church, I actually didn’t want the people who had helped me so much see what I was becoming, I felt letting them see me like this was letting them down, they had done so much for me over the last eleven months I really didn’t want them to see that I fallen back so far. It took a great effort to get up and get myself ready.
For me it was a real slow walk to Church, it crossed my mind to just keep walking, I don’t know where, but again for a moment I really didn’t want to go to Church, but I knew deep down I had too, I was scheduled to help out with the lighting on the A.V. desk today, I made it to Church, not in a good way, but I was there in body, if not in spirit.
As I walked in I met with Paul and Jo Tilley, both know what has been happening over the last week and both have been really comforting, but as I walked in with Paul, it all came out, I just broke down into tears and told him everything, about the lake, the lot, I needed to tell someone and as he was the first person I met with, it he that I released it all to.
Paul was great, he insisted that I come for dinner after the service, I really didn’t want to invade, it is after all Mothers day, but he insisted and I agreed.
I really did try to compose myself, but I just kept losing it with everyone that came by, I really was lost within myself, I just cried with everyone that stopped to talk. I excused myself from my duties with the A.V. Team, Dom who I was supposed to be working with was very understanding, so I took a seat, my normal seat right at the back in the corner, alone, just as the first day I walked into Church, the seat I returned to every time, my seat.
I really tried my best to get into Worship, I wasn’t really feeling it but I was giving the best I could, despite the continuing headache and the extreme tiredness, I sang along as best I could.
I had spoken with Gareth shortly after I took my seat, we spoke last week so he was aware of the my current issues, so I told him how I was feeling, although I don’t think I told him about the episode at the lake, I only spoke about that to Paul, he was very helpful and calming. His preach was great as usual, once again it seemed like he was talking directly to me, like his whole preach was created to be spoken to me, I know it isn’t but that’s the way it felt today, again!
It was hard to sit there and just listen, the thumping headache just wouldn’t budge at first, each and every time I closed my eyes in pain, I had to fight to stay awake, if I closed my eyes I drifted off, if I kept them open my headache took control. I fought to listen to every word, I have downloaded the Podcast and I will, as is now my routine, listen to it whilst walking in the morning. His word was clear, we should give Thanks to God before everything, the good, the bad, the everything, whatever we are going through give thanks, no matter how bad it is, be thankful.
I understood what he was saying, I always start my prayers with thanks for the strength I’ve received to get as far as I have, but it is easy to see all this stress and anguish as a problem, yes it’s a test, I know that, this test may last until after the funeral on Tuesday, it may hound me until 29th March, my Sober Anniversary, but however long it lasts, I will give thanks for it, because no matter how low I have felt today, I’ve been there before and beat it, I will beat it again, it’s a test and I will not fall, I will rise again.
I can’t actually remember when my headache disappeared, but I don’t actually remember feeling it since I left Church. I had a wonderful dinner with the Tilley family, they made me feel extremely welcome and I am thankful to them for that. Paul and Jo were very understanding and once again very calming.
I returned home after dinner and just laid down and slept for a couple of hours. It’s funny, but I don’t feel like the same person that left for Church this morning, that person was in pain, he was angry, he was low, he was beaten down. This person who’s fingers are working this keyboard to share this with you all, is completely different, I haven’t felt this together since I got the news about my Nanna’s passing, I don’t really understand how these things can happen, how such a change can come to pass in just a matter of hours, but God has his way of working his miracles and despite my reluctance to get up and get to Church this morning, I made it and through his people he has pulled me through once again.
A year ago he lead me to the Everyday Champions Church to bring me from the edge and one year later he lead me back to save me from returning to the that edge, for that I will be ever thankful to him and everyone at ECC.
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
(The Hurt And The Healer by MercyMe)