Keeping My Head High Amid The Turmoil

Last week seems so long ago now, this last weekend saw the last of series of great anniversaries, since then it’s been such a busy week, I really just want to sleep so much, but I have so much to do also, oh well, I’ve always said I function better when I’m busy!

Today holds another selection of anniversaries, both good and bad, to top that off this week my financial nightmares began to bite again, another storm to walk through, but I am keeping my head up, walking tall and trusting that only good can come of this situation.

Firstly, if you have read my post Wylie & Me, about the death of my dog Wylie Burp, you will understand how badly that affected me at a time when life was falling apart, it sped up the process somewhat, my drinking began to steadily increase and I lived in increasing isolation from those around me, my ability to communicate my problems diminished and I climbed down in to the pit.  A certain part of me died that day, but I must say that having wrote the article about Wylie, I have come to terms with the regret and remorse, I see him in the good times we had together and sometimes wish he was walking with me in the mornings, he would have loved that.

Today hold another anniversary of sorts, sixteen years ago I was introduced to Victoria by her Mum!  Victoria’s brothers had been coming to my karate classes for some time, she would sometimes come to watch, but to be honest I hadn’t really noticed her.  It was the day of my sister’s wedding, as my parents only knew one person with a video camera, that was Victoria’s mum, Viv, so they asked her to record the wedding and the evening do.  During the break after the wedding, you know the bit where the photo’s are being taken and everyone jostles for position, except me I hate photographs, I got to talking with Viv, where she told me how much Victoria liked me and that she would bring her to the evening do.

So during the evening do, as the night progressed, it got towards the end of the night when the slow songs are played, well naturally I asked Victoria to dance, which she agreed to, we hadn’t really spoken much at that point, but that was the first time I really noticed her and indeed danced with her.  It would be four weeks later when Viv engineered an evening together for us, where we talked about what we wanted from life and everything inbetween.  From that evening we saw each other everyday for almost eight years, until I went away for the first time with the JKA England squad to Norway for the European Championships.

I don’t think she remembers these significant dates, I understand that, but I remember, I may have drifted away a couple of years ago, I may have buried these memories myself for a while, maybe a prerequisite of entering the pit was to forget, but now I remember all the great moments and long to continue building a library of those, only time will tell, I just continue to pray about the situation.

Then to the finances, to be honest I am struggling to survive on the wages I earn, simply the repayments of the debts I amassed during the lost years in the pit are swallowing what’s left of my wages, since Victoria lost her job last year and the Government at the same time in their wisdom slashed our Working Families Tax Credits things have been tight, but never as tight as this, less than two weeks after being paid and I have no money left until the end of the month, it’s drags me down, but I refuse to be beaten by it, I pray about that too, I pray a lot to be completely honest.

But I wont return to where I was, that pit has been filled in, there is no entry there anymore, I may have slid back for a while last month, the lonely feelings returned for a moment, but I found through prayer a strength to pull through, so I face these storms this time looking forward directly into the eye, because this time I know I have someone behind me, I know this time whatever I face I don’t face it alone, even though I may not have faced it alone last time, this time I stand tall and fight.

I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I’m holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
(Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) by Chris Tomlin)

5 thoughts on “Keeping My Head High Amid The Turmoil

  1. Patty B

    Continue to old on tightly to God’s promises and remember He is our anchor in the midst of our storms. Blessings and hugs ~ Patty

  2. Katie Renee

    Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that I am being moved at times through things that are out of my control. Hang in there, do the best you can, and let God do his work. Easier said than done, I know… but as long as you are doing everything you possibly can, just keep going and everything will fall into place.


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