Purpose Vrs Worthless

It’s been another eventful day, an early start at Church this morning, in early to set up the cameras and test the live stream, job done set up on time and tested successfully!

More camera practice during the service, prior to the last few weeks, I’ve only been on camera a handful of times, but I’m getting the hang of it and hopefully improving my technique.

Following lunch with other members of the team which will be heading ECTV, we returned to Church to begin practice runs for the launch in just over a months time, the whole project seems extremely interesting.  Practice will continue over the next few weeks on Sundays and also further practice on Friday evenings, busy times, but good times.

I’m so glad I found my way to Everyday Champions Church, I don’t think I’ve felt so much a part of something as exciting as this, maybe when I was on the England Karate squad and competing around the world comes close, but back then I was ruining my potential by drinking, even back then when I wasn’t drinking to runaway from everything, I was just drinking, it didn’t have a hold on me, but it was something I just did out of habit, I guess that’s how these things happen, habits become addictions.

But now, as I said last week, it’s a completely different feeling, last year I was lost, after everything around me seemed to collapse, I had this enormous feeling that it was all over for me, I was washed up and worthless to anyone and everyone, I no longer had a use or purpose, at least those were the thoughts when I had that penknife at my wrists, those were the feelings that were driving my despair, they just ran through my mind, bouncing around in there, those and many others of worthlessness.  Lucky for me I wasn’t supposed to end my life, I was supposed to continue the fight and make it through, so I guess I’ve made it this far.

I’ve thought about those moments a lot over the last few days, not in a bad way, actually in a good way, on the way home after Wednesday evening’s Connect Group, Sarah our host asked me to prepare something to share with the group that explained what Christ’s death up on the cross meant to me, well straight away it was a no brainer, simple, I thought straight away back to those moments in my bathroom with that knife, those moments that through all the sad tormenting thoughts that were driving me, forcing that blade closer to my wrist, that just when those thoughts seem to have dominion, that blade stopped it gradual movement closer and one single thought seemed to blow the rest out of my mind, MY KIDS, it was the same thought every time, all those numerous times that this event played out.

“It would be better for my children to live with me as I am,
than live with the memory of what they were going to find!”

That one thought made me put that blade down, but I would be so angry, so so angry with myself, I felt I was in a state of limbo, neither living nor dead, trapped between the two, without the COURAGE TO LIVE or the COURAGE TO DIE.

But now I realise, now I know, Jesus died upon that cross for my sins,
He gave His life so I didn’t have to take mine.

Quite simply on that those sad days something was happening that it would take months to realise:

He held my wrists safe and whispered in my ear, He wouldn’t let me do it, it wasn’t my time.

So now I feel part of something exciting and I’m really looking forward to next few weeks, I now at least have a use and purpose.

On a sadder note tonight, after I got home this afternoon, I had a bit of tea and decided to take a nap, until I was woken a couple of hours later by the phone ringing, it was Victoria ringing to see if I had got home, as our street had been closed off by the Police.

Unbeknownst to me shortly after I fell asleep, a house only around the corner from where we live had been destroyed in a gas explosion, I never heard a thing, but that’s not uncommon, I once slept through a small earthquake, on that occasion I vaguely remember Victoria trying to wake me to tell me everything was shaking and things were falling off the walls, but I knew nothing until she told me in the morning, it seems this evening was no different, all this was happening around me and I was sound asleep.

My understanding is that there are casualties, but I’m not sure how badly the injuries are, but my thoughts and prayers are with those families affected by this evenings events.

I stand amazed at your love for me
That lonely night in Gethsemane
This sinner’s heart can’t help but thrill
To hear you pray Father not my will

What depth of love, what reach of grace
O how my grateful heart now aches
To sing it louder the refrain
Jesus died my soul to save

Atonement full, applied to me
The blood that spilled at Calvary
Has swallowed all my sin and shame
Now reconciled, in Jesus’ name

O such pleasure, o such pain
The Father’s wrath and fury laid
On Christ whom saints and angels praise
Jesus died my soul to save

Come you broken bound by sin
Let your weary journey end
Come and lay your burdens down
Where mercy rules and peace abounds

What can wash away my sin
Nothin’ but the blood
What can make me whole again
Nothin’ but the blood
(Jesus Died My Soul To Save by Pocket Full Of Rocks)

6 thoughts on “Purpose Vrs Worthless

    1. waynemali Post author

      Hi Jill
      Thank you so much, I think I’ve touch on these feelings before on this blog and with friends from Church, I’ve explored soome of those feelings in my poetry, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone into detail about my feelings in those times and my realisation months later.
      Having said that it was a very easy write, the words just flowed, always the best way to write.
      Thanks again


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