Connecting The Positives Once Again

My Church Connect Groups have nearly always been a source of inspiration to me, there have been few that I haven’t left far more positive than I’ve arrived, last night was what I would consider a great breakthrough for me, considering my mind set of the last couple of months.

This dip into depression started a couple of months ago, I’m not sure whether one particular teaching at Church started it or whether it was the steady onset of depression that saw the worst in what should have been an inspiration teaching.

Since that Sunday on 20th October 2013 I began to start seeing everything so negatively, teachings meant to build, I saw as condemnation of everything I did wrong in the past, everything seemed to point to what I got wrong and in my head I began to believe I was never going to be good enough, I would never get away from everything that I let happen, everything that brought me to the edge of suicide.  As the weeks went by, things got worse and worse and I couldn’t get away from my problems.  As everything else built up, the extra work became unreasonable and the money situation seemed to get gradually worse, I just couldn’t seem to get a handle on anything.  I don’t actually think for one minute that Sunday the 20th was the day this all started, when I read my journal from the Sunday before, it was evident that something was wrong then and I wasn’t myself, but it did get worse from that day.

I can’t easily explain where I was in those weeks from that day, I guess we suffer our depression in very different ways.   Some days would pass without too much of an issue, others I would find myself from time to time drifting into another consciousness, I would find myself just staring out into nothing and then after coming back to earth with a jolt, I wouldn’t know where I was for a moment.  Other times I would be so lost in everything that was wrong and blaming myself for all that was wrong that it drove me to despair, I just wanted to be alone at those times, which was difficult at work, it lead to some tough situations and on a couple of occasions it was all I could do to stop myself grabbing my stuff and just walking out.  Thankfully I didn’t, as that wouldn’t of helped anything, my boss is an old friend and he saw there was something wrong and gave me some space, which was good, but trying to explain to colleagues why I was acting the way I was, wasn’t easy.

It took a big effort to pick the phone up and call the Doctors, I think we males don’t like to admit there is something wrong and even more so do we like to admit something like depression.  To try and explain to the Doctor exactly how I was feeling and admitting that “yes, I have had suicidal thoughts” was hard, much harder than last year when I had to admit to being an alcoholic, I don’t know why, but this time seemed to much more painful, maybe last year I was beginning to see a way forward and that was another step to a better life, this time around I was in the middle of my own private hell and I couldn’t see a way forward, this time I was lost, completely lost.

Thankfully the Doctor was very patient and understanding, the medication, although with strange side effects at first, has certainly began to set me on my feet again, as each day I feel more myself, I move away from those dark thoughts and back into a positive outlook for the future.

One of the lowest points in the last few months was the Connect Group on Wednesday 13th November, I can’t really explain how it came to be so bad, when I arrived I felt okay, then as we watched the teaching video, it all seemed to evaporate, I don’t even remember now what the video was about, I remember just staring blankly, I remember someone saying something that hit me like a ton of bricks and when I was asked for my thoughts, I just reiterated what they said and broke down into a continual flood of tears, it was a mess of night and a real low point for me.  By the time of the next group meeting I had been to the Doctors and started the antidepressant medication, although I still wasn’t myself, I certainly wasn’t as raw or emotional, things did start to improve.

Last night was a massive step forward for me, we discussed how words can build and break people, which was interesting, as I sat watching Gareth on the video discussing how we should talk and ask the right questions of people to help them, I was suddenly taken back in my mind to the evening of Monday 19th March 2012 and seeing him sat on my settee across the room from me, doing everything he was instructing us to do, the meeting that night changed my life, it was good to have that reminder of different my life is now.  I’m so thankful to Gareth for what he did for me that night, it also so comforting to know that in Gareth we have a Pastor that one hundred percent practices what he preaches, he really leads by example.

When we discussed examples of where in our lives words have built us up as individuals, mine included that meeting that night, without that I would never have found God and very possibly wouldn’t have made through to today.  My other example was from a year ago when the Holy Spirit definitely led me with the right words, after seeing in my mind a conversation a number of times over three weeks, only for it to take place and for me to help a youngster who was self harming, that was a situation which could have gone so wrong, luckily I was prepared to help and it ended in the youngster handing me the blades they used to cut themselves.

It was ironic that Sarah who now leads our group helped me at that time, I spoke to her at length last year about what was happening, she quite rightly pointed out last night that I was “freaked out” about it, too right I was, when I realised what had transpired I really didn’t understand what was happening to me, why I had seen this, why me and why it come to pass the way it did, she helped me through it then, just as she has helped me through all of this over the last month.

Indeed last night Sarah commented on how well I was doing now and said it was nice to see a smile on my face again, too true, it feels great to be able to smile again.

I can only thank God for the strength He has given me to get through these last few months, there were times when I didn’t want to do it anymore, where death seemed easier than the pain I was in, but I made it through, He gave me the strength to pick the phone and seek the help I needed.  I also thank Him for the great people He has placed in my life, like Gareth and Sarah and the other members of my Connect Group and Everyday Champions Church, who have stood by me, supported me and prayed for me through all of my struggles, once again I am so thankful.

On a hill called Calvary
Stands an endless mercy tree
Every broken weary soul
Find your rest and be made whole
Stripes of blood that stain its frame
Shed to wash away our shame
From the scars pure love released
Salvation by the mercy tree

In the sky between two thieves
Hung the blameless Prince of Peace
Beaten, battered, scarred, and scorned
Sacred head pierced by our thorns
It is finished was his cry
The perfect lamb was crucified
His sacrifice, our victory
Our Savior chose the mercy tree

Hope went dark that violent day
The whole earth quaked at love’s display
Three days silent in the ground
This body born for heaven’s crown
On that bright and glorious day
When heaven opened up the grave
He’s alive and risen indeed!
Praise him for the mercy tree!

Death has died, love has won
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome
He has risen from the dead

One day soon, we’ll see his face
And every tear, he’ll wipe away
No more pain or suffering
Praise him for the mercy tree

Death has died, love has won
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome
He has risen from the dead

Death has died, love has won
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome
He has risen from the dead

On a hill called Calvary
Stands an endless mercy tree

1 thought on “Connecting The Positives Once Again

  1. littlevoicetalks

    Sometimes a random seeming act as someone stumbling across my blog and liking a post leads me to wonder about the life of the person who clicked ‘like.’ I’m glad you did because in return I’m been connected to someone who has an amazing spirit and a soul journey similar to my own. And the randomness becomes less random for me. I believe for a reason, bigger than I am ever capable of knowing. Your journey resonates with me. Thank you for sharing and dropping by my blog. God bless x


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