Surviving The Quiet Times

I wrote yesterday that this has been my worst Christmas ever, I guess I should explain, it’s not that it’s been really that bad, if fact it’s gone better than I actually expected, but a week ago I was dreading it, I just didn’t know what state of mind I would find myself in, especially in the quiet times and believe me there have been a few of them.

I saw the kids and Victoria for a few hours yesterday morning, before I set off for Church and they set off for Victoria’s Mum’s, that was it until they returned yesterday evening.  I wasn’t that great company in the morning, in fact at one point I had to remove myself from the room as I needed to cry, I didn’t let them see, I just took myself away.

At Church I felt like I just wanted to cry and on the way home it was everything I could do to stop myself from crying.  When I got in I made myself some dinner and just settled down for the rest of the day, the tears soon dry up.

This was the part I was dreading, I was sure I would really struggle through this part of the day, but in the end, after having something to eat it felt like just another day when I’m home alone, it didn’t feel any different really, it was like Christmas wasn’t really happening, just a normal sort of day.

I could have gone to my Mum and Dad’s, but to be honest I just couldn’t face that.  They really don’t understand my affliction, they just don’t get it, when I told my Dad about my drinking problems, his response was “Do you want a drink now?”, when I said no his answer was “well you’re not an alcoholic then!”  It’s not that they are bad people, they just don’t get it or won’t accept it, my Mum will say things like “are you still being good?”  What am I six years old or what?

They don’t understand my situation here at home either, I just couldn’t face them going on about it all afternoon, I would probably lose it and really make things worse, which was the last thing any of us need this year, both of them lost their mothers this year and me, both my Nan’s, it’s the first Christmas without them, not easy for any of us, especially when traditionally they would have one of them for lunch and then we would go to my Mum’s Mum for tea.  I feel a little guilty as they are probably struggling with all that too, but in my current frame of mind, I’m sorry but I couldn’t face it, I felt it better to be alone.

I was okay with my own company, which surprised me, the only downside was that for the first time ever I didn’t have a traditional Christmas Dinner on Christmas Day, I’ve always had one, but I guess there’s a first time for everything, but I enjoyed my dinner regardless.  I did get a Christmas Dinner earlier today though, Victoria’s Mum sent me one home last night, so I warmed it up for lunch.

The kids and Victoria have been out again since lunch, so it’s been another lonely day, but again it feels like just any other day, not a bit like Christmas or Boxing Day, which is probably a good thing.

I’m just glad I sought treatment when I did, I really don’t think I could have got through these last few day feeling like I did a month or so ago.  It’s was when I met with Paul and Sarah that Sarah suggested I go to the Doctor’s for help, but as always I put it off, but as it got worse and then James insisting that I get help, that I went to the Doctor’s and was put on these Antidepressants.  The early weeks were awkward with the side effects and I still have bad days amongst the good ones, I still slip into the dark areas of my mind from time to time, I still have moments of utter despondency and I think none of this is worth it, but they are not that strong any more and I’m not chained to them like I was a month ago, so thankfully I’ve been able to cope, as I say I have been fighting tears from time to time, but on the whole I feel okay.

This morning I put some Worship music on and sang along with each one, which made me feel better, I can always rely on music to lift my spirits a little when I need it.  And as I do quite regularly when I’m alone, I seek out Bible verses that speak to me.

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
James 5:13

Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?
1 Corinthians 3:16

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:6

It’s back to work for a few hours in the morning , which will be nice break from these four walls, it’s bit of time just to break things up, even though there probably won’t be a lot to do, plus it will be back to a little bit of routine.

On a hill called Calvary
Stands an endless mercy tree
Every broke and weary soul
Find your rest and be made whole

Stripes of blood that stain its frame
Shed to wash away our shame
From the scars pure love released
Salvation brought the mercy tree

In the sky, between two thieves
Hung the blameless Prince of Peace
Bruised and battered, scarred and scorned
Sacred Hands pierced by our thorns

It is finished was his cry
The perfect Lamb was crucified
The sacrifice, our victory.
Our Savior chose the mercy tree

Hope went dark that violent day
The whole earth ‘quaked at love’s display
Three days silence in the ground
This body born for Heaven’s crown

On that bright and glorious day
Heaven opened up the grave
He’s alive and risen indeed
Praise him for the mercy tree

Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.

Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.

One day soon we’ll see His face
And every tear, He’ll wipe a way
No more pain or suffering
Oh, praise him for the mercy tree

Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.

Death has died. Love has won!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Jesus Christ has overcome.
He has risen from the dead.

On a hill called Calvary
Stands an endless mercy tree

6 thoughts on “Surviving The Quiet Times

  1. bcajja38

    It is very interesting that I found your blog.. today I myself feel like giving up and crying and feel totally alone,, I have even begun to do things I used to do to myself when I was younger, I will make it through this I always do, and I will pray for you to keep ur spirits high and your mood happy.


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