Falling In The Dark Hours

Everything seemed to be going really well until this evening, a few things just started to go wrong, slowly I found myself getting more and more agitated and eventually becoming very angry.  By the time I got home I just wanted to be alone in the dark, I went straight upstairs out of the way without speaking with anyone, I think Victoria could tell something wasn’t right, but she never said anything.

After I while I came back downstairs, had something to eat and laid down on the settee, but I just began to get further and further wound up.  My breathing was heavy and I sank back into a dark place.

I began to get similar feelings to those that kept coming to me before Christmas, they came back again tonight, I’ve never mentioned them to anyone before, they went away when Christmas passed quietly, but as I say I had them again tonight.  All I wanted to do was to cut something into my left arm, before Christmas I kept wanting to carve “I’ll Never Be Enough”, but tonight it was “I Hate Myself”!  I’ve never self harmed and before the end of last year, never contemplated it.  At Christmas I kept imagining that I would just find myself in a daze on Christmas day with these words cut into my arms, this evening was very similar.

But then something changed, as I laid there I could feel my heart beating hard and then I remembered the words that kept coming to me on Sunday, the words I posted Sunday evening:

Even though I go through all the anxiety, the worry, the stress, the emptiness, the desolation and despair, I’m never alone, but I should believe that when I go through this and my heart beats in double time, it’s not just my heart that’s beating, but the heart of Christ beating alongside mine.

As soon as I began to think about that everything changed, the emptiness and the dark urges ceased almost immediately and I slowly began to pick up.  So less than an hour later I feel much calmer, not as calm and content as last evening, but nowhere near how empty and low I felt earlier this evening.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’
Joshua 1:9

WHILE WE SING by LEELAND
I’ve sat by far too long
And I’ve watched the hurting suffer on their own
I have chances everyday
To live like You, die to myself
Give Your love away
And I wonder why I feel so empty inside

While I sing la la la la la la la la la
As the hungry roam the streets
La la la la la la la la la
As the broken are on their knees
La la la la la la la la la
I keep singing

We are frozen, we are still
But we’re called to be a city on a hill
And as our melodies resound
We cannot hear the silent cry
This world is screaming out
And we wonder why we feel so empty inside

While we sing la la la la la la la la la
As the hungry roam the streets
La la la la la la la la la
As the broken are on their knees
La la la la la la la la la
We keep singing

Remember salvation’s day
When Jesus washed our sins away
The lost are crying out to be saved

While we sing la la la la la la la la la
As the hungry roam the streets
La la la la la la la la la
As the broken are on their knees
La la la la la la la la la
We keep singing
But just a song won’t heal
The bleeding wound
Church wake up
We’re sleeping in an empty tomb

Church arise, arise and shine
Shake yourself from the dust
God is calling us to go

3 thoughts on “Falling In The Dark Hours

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