Fearing Yet Another Fall!

I know I touched on this subject in my post on Wednesday evening, but it seems like this is something that just won’t go away, a feeling, a thought that just keeps coming back into my head and everyday just checks my movement forward.

I know I’ve written about this some time ago, but back in October last year I had a vision, I was simply sat in my living room one Sunday lunchtime and it played out in front of me, like I was watching a video screen, an image of me climbing some steps, only to be washed away by an on rushing tide of water, as the waters kept flowing some time passed and I watched as I stood again and once more tried to make it up the steps, only to be washed away once more, before the vision disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

Just weeks later I found myself in a pit of depression, swinging from being in a constant state of tears to a state of nothingness, a numbness, vacantly staring into nothing.  It affected my work, in fact it was all I could do to stop myself from walking out of my job, I nearly did on a number of occasions, before I found the courage to explain to my colleagues what was happening.

Even my faith was rocked, I found myself distant and unable to give anything in Church and even spent one evening in my Connect Group, just sat there in tears, unable to explain, unable to connect to anyone, I just didn’t know how to feel or what to feel, I certainly didn’t know how to truly express it to anybody.

That was until I made the decision to see a Doctor, I was put on anti-depressants, that was six months ago this coming Tuesday, my first course of tablets will come to an end, but for now I will remain on them.  Once the tablets kicked in things gradually improved and I began to get back to my old self.  There have been the odd lapse, the odd time where I dipped back into those dark days of November, but on the whole it been better, a lot better.

But over this last month now, this vision which preceded this depression has been on my mind, “Am I heading for the second downfall?”

I just can’t help but feel I am heading for another breakdown of sorts, I find myself constantly praying each day for The Lord to just hold on to me, just for a little while longer, to stop me from falling again.  Some days I find encouragement is His word that everything will be okay, then other days I just can’t shake the feeling that it will all come crashing down again.

I know a couple of weeks back I started to go through my drafts of poems from the last few months, I hadn’t written any for a while and started by finishing some old ones, then over this last week I have written a few new ones.  Many are sparked by that feeling of fear of failure once more, I write for help and then I write what I feel is the response to the poem, it becomes a form of prayer and answer conversation, between me and God.

This morning as we prayed in Church, I had what ran through my head was a prayer in the form of poetic words, I felt I should write it down, remember it, but even just a few hours later, I actually couldn’t remember what it was, I can’t remember any of the words, even though I felt them quite profound at the time.

I wanted to post that prayer in the form a poem this evening, but obviously I can’t, as I just can’t remember what it was that was going through my head and the words I used.

But that said, when I tried to remember it earlier, to start to capture what I had in my mind, but couldn’t, I got a deep feeling, that this prayer had been taken from me, I wasn’t to worry about it any more, it was in hand, it was being answered, all in good time, His time.

Honestly, I don’t know what the next few weeks or months will hold, whether I will be wiped out again or whether my prayers will be answered.  It’s a hard fight sometimes, each day I have to live with the consequences of my past, it impossible to get away from without just upping sticks and moving away to a brand new start and that’s not something I wish to do.

I still have a lot of wrongs to right, in many different areas of my life, I fight on many fronts and it can be tiring, it wears me down from time to time, plus that fear of yet another fall lingers strong.

But for tonight, I’m going to have faith that my prayer of earlier has been lifted from me, that I needed worry about what was wrapped up in those words, it’s all in hand, just carry on everything will be all right.

Many things in life are hard for me 
Many things can pull us down 
I don’t understand why I do what I do 
How could I take my eyes off you 
After all You’ve done for me 
And after all You’ve done for me 

It’s by Your grace and love I am saved 
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by that love and grace I’m amazed 
It’s by Your grace and love I am free 
I am free, I am free, I am free 

And it’s by grace and love that I am free 
I’ll live with You eternally 
I thank you Lord that I am free 
I thank You Lord for loving me 
I thank You Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary 
I thank You Lord for loving me 
I thank You Lord for dying for me 

Because it’s by grace and love I am saved 
It’s by Your grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by that love and grace, I’m amazed 
It’s by Your grace and love I am free 
I am free, I am free, I am free 

Many things in life are hard for me 
Many things can pull us down 
But by grace and love You’ve forgiven me 
And by grace and love we are free 

2 thoughts on “Fearing Yet Another Fall!

  1. Men of One Accord

    My friend and brother, I long to come to you and ask you some questions then we would pray. I know this road you are on for I have walked it myself. Know I am with you in prayer at this very time. Peace I pray be with you for that is the Hope in Christ Jesus, Amen.


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