Recollections From A Year Ago

Wow, has it really been a year to the day since I attended only the second funeral of my life, the second funeral inside two months.  It was the occasion of the funeral of my Nan, my other Nan having died just two months before.

In very different ways both losses hit me hard, maybe more so the loss of my first Nan, she was my Mum’s Mum and had pretty much brought me up as much as my parents.  I went to her house every day for dinner, I didn’t like school dinners, I was a very fussy eater (still am, but more on that at a later date), as both my parents worked I also went there after school everyday and with the rest of my cousins and sister we spent every school holiday there too.  She did so much for me when I was young, I know I took her loss pretty badly and held a lot of remorse that I hadn’t seen her in a number of years, due to my alcoholism.

That’s not to say I didn’t feel the loss of my Dad’s Mum, our relationship may have been different and as she didn’t live locally, I didn’t see her quite as much, it still hit me hard, but in a different way.

With the first funeral, I was a mess until the funeral was over, I don’t suppose I’ve had to deal with death as an adult, when my last Grandparent died I was only eight, I didn’t go to the funeral, so on this occasion, my first funeral, I really didn’t hold it together very well, but spending time with family and my cousins afterwards, remembering all the scrapes we got into and the merry dance we led my Nan, we chose to remember the good times and thank her for what she did for us, it certainly lifted my spirits.

The second funeral was very different, I felt okay until I got home, then I fell into a low.  But when I look back now, I remember two things happening that day, one year ago, that really stick in my mind, positive things to come out of the sadness.

The first I mentioned a month or two ago, I had carried a keyring on my keys for some time, my kids brought me it a few years ago, it was Barney Gumble from the Simpsons, an image of him looking drunk and with a beer in his hand.  When I came home from the funeral, came through my gate and turned to lock the gate with my keys, this keyring fell off, it was unrepairable, the link had broken completely, it hadn’t looked damaged before, it just seemed to take this moment in time to break and come off.  I felt straight away it was sign that I was past my addiction, it was no longer in control of me and I was free from it, forever.

The second happened to me at the wake.  As I tend to do, I tend to stand alone to do things, I am a bit of a loner, I’m not sure I fit in everywhere or that I try to some times, so at the funeral I stood alone, away from all my family and grieved in my own way, that’s just me, the way I do things.  Apart from my immediate family I really didn’t know many of the other people, there was one group with a guy I vaguely knew, I knew him as Steven, a friend of my Nan’s from her Church in Blidworth, which incidently is the supposed burial place of Will Scarlet.  With Steven was a man I didn’t know, I understood later that he was one of my Dad’s cousins, at the end of the wake he came to say goodbye to my Dad and then came up to me.

He said I felt I had to come and say something to you, he then just put his hand on my shoulder, then he just paused, as if some thing had happened, then all he said was “You’ll Be Okay!” and left.

It was something that bothered me a little, but I understood he also went to Church with Steven and my Nan, I thought he had maybe seen me stood alone for most of the day and felt he had to say something, but why that all changed when he put his hand on me, that I’m not sure, but I believe what he felt or maybe I should say what I hope he felt was the Holy Spirit upon me, that’s why all he could say was “You’ll be okay”, he didn’t need to say anything else.

As I said I was a little lost the next day after that second funeral, but the next day I remember going to my Connect Group, feeling very out of it and not really wanting to be with anyone, but I went anyway.  I remember sitting there quietly at first, but by the end of the night, I felt myself again, the one thing that my Connect Group nearly always do for me, they lift me when I’m down and if they can’t do that, they stand with me in prayer.

So tonight it off to Connect Group once again, I don’t need lifting at all today, every thing feels good, maybe it’s my turn to lift someone else.

What makes you happy
What makes you smile
And when you smile please
Is it for real

I know you’re not one
One to pretend
Even when I was a child

You grow up too fast
And have to be brave
Braver than most strong men
That I’ve ever seen

Sing your song mama
Sing it out loud
I wanna hear your voice
It’s lovely sound

Little girl
You can come out now
The danger’s all gone
You can come out

All that you’ve held
Was too much to hold
So let it all go now
And you will become gold

Sing your song mama
Sing it out loud
I wanna hear your voice
It’s lovely sound

Sing your song mama
Sing it out loud
Dance freely singing
You’re beautiful now

Laughter and tears
Gracing your face
The music of your strength
Held up this place

Your daddy’s right here now
You can let go
He’s holding it all now
And healing your soul

Sing your song mama
Sing it out loud
I wanna hear your voice
It’s lovely sound

Sing your song mama
Sing it out loud
Dance freely singing
You’re beautiful know

There’s something
I’m trying to tell you and
I’ve tried to tell you before and
Each time that I profess it
It just leaves me wanting more and

I think you are beautiful
And I’m proud of you
What I’m trying to say is
I love you
I love you

2 thoughts on “Recollections From A Year Ago

  1. Rene Yoshi

    I really appreciate your attitude as expressed at the end. Sometimes when I don’t feel like being with a group of people, if I go anyway, I am usually glad I did. We never know when someone else might need encouragement and support. I think you’re right. I think Steven did sense the Holy Spirit in you. 🙂

  2. Shandra

    Thank you so much for posting this. On so many levels and layers can I relate. The song? I’ve never heard it before. Reading the lyrics gives me chills and warm hugs all at the same time…”Braver than most strong men”…So to all those, men, women, children Finding their Voice, I encourage as well; Sing. We need your Song, We need your Voice. Thanks for sharing your journey. Shandra


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