Empty House For A Week – Relief or Fear?

So it’s that time of the year, when Victoria and the two kids go away for the week to camp.  Now normally and certainly a few years ago I would be relishing this, but for the last couple of years this brings out a massive fear from inside of me, fear of myself.

Firstly I hate it when I come home from work and everyone is out, it brings out a fear that they may never come back, that this situation here at home would reach a point of no return.  I honestly don’t think that it would happen like that, but it still puts a doubt in my heart every time I walk into the empty house.

But the main fear is of myself.  I always liked my own space when I was lost and drinking, I could do what I liked, drink what I liked and had to worry about no one, as long as I got rid of any evidence before they come back, who cares, certainly I didn’t, I loved it.

So in the back of my mind is that fear, that this part of me may begin to rise again, that monster that was defeated may still be lurking, just waiting for an opportunity of weakness, to rear it’s ugly head and strike.

It was two years ago when they all went away that I started walking, I was only months into my recovery process and I couldn’t stand the silence.  So one night, I grabbed my iPod and went out walking, at that point I had no idea where I was going to walk to, I just set off out into the streets of Newark and walked laps around the streets, until it got late and then I would go home and go to bed, repeating the same process the next night and the next.  It was from there I developed a liking for walking and until I hit a few low points at the end of last year, I would get out almost daily and walk for a least four or five miles, even one time walking almost 28 miles without stopping.

Last year, I found places to go, between karate and few nights at friends, I had very little time at home, I had a big fear going into the week, but friends seemed to sense that and kept me busy, kept my mind of it and the week passed quickly before I knew it.

But this week I have work tomorrow morning, Church and karate on Sunday, then I have work and karate on Monday and Tuesday evening, but other than that I’m not sure.  Maybe now I’m back out walking again this weekend and hopefully with good weather, I may get out walking in the evening too.

The fear is this lethargy within me which has developed since I started taking the antidepressants at the end of last year.  Although I haven’t taken them now for almost three weeks, I still feel tired and lethargic from time to time, that’s when I become lazy and that when the bad habits begin to surface.

For the moment the focus is on next Thursday evening, which will bring around the 125 weeks sober mark, I like these 25 week marks, I celebrated in my own way, 25, 50, 75 and 100 weeks, so now I am focused on the 125 mark, which will hopefully be enough to keep me focused.

I’m also left in charge of the rabbit again, we are a little more friendly now than last year, when she bit me a couple of times when I fed her, hopefully there will be none of that this year.

It will be a testing week, there maybe a little fear and doubt inside, but I am not giving in.

BESIDE YOU by MARIANAS TRENCH
When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
When it’s in your spine like you’ve walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
I’ll be right beside you

When you’re overwhelmed and you’ve lost your breath
When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they’ve never been so loud

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
I’ll be right beside you

I will stay.
Nobody will break you,
Yeah.

Trust in me, trust in me.
Don’t pull away
Trust in me, trust in me.
I’m just trying to keep this together,
Because I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
Nobody will break you

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
Nobody will break you.

5 thoughts on “Empty House For A Week – Relief or Fear?

    1. Tammi Kale

      Very nice inspiration – ‘solitude more strongly than loneliness’ – I really like that – and my hope to ‘Bottom of a Bottle’ as well. God Bless.

      Reply
      1. purpleperceptions

        Thank you Tammi, I read this quote just yesterday.

        “Language … has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”

        Reply
        1. waynemali Post author

          Thank you both, it is a great quote and very heart warming. Though I feel after this mornings events, that I have a bigger purpose set out for me this week already.
          Wayne

          Reply

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