When You Walk Into The Room

A few days ago I picked up my journal from last year, this time last year everything seemed to be going dark, I’ve never been that way before, never felt so distant from the world.  Even in the midst of my deepest drinking, I never felt so low.

I guess in a way, the drinking just masked those feelings.  There was no doubt I had my low points in the last few years of my drinking, you don’t find yourself repeatedly holding a knife to your wrist without being low.  But the ability to turn to your comfort zone of getting slowly drunk, alone, was the way out of feeling that way, there was always a way to control those feelings or so it seemed.  That’s the thing, you’re not really controlling those feelings, just hiding them deep inside, at sometime it all has to come to the surface.

Back in March 2012 those feelings were brought to the surface with a bang and that’s when this amazing journey started.  Quitting the drink was the start of journey of self discovery and a walk with the God I had previously dismissed.

There were some early struggles, fighting the urges to turn back to that comfort zone, especially when the withdrawals kicked in, that little voice inside that said all this can be taken away if you drink again, seemed to get louder and louder, it took some real strength to get through some hard days, strength I found through prayer, not my own strength.

But as the weeks and months passed, everything seemed to be going fine, some ups and downs, but as my journey went along, the more I seemed to grow.

Then as October came around last year, I began to struggle and by this time last year, I was a mess.  I had never felt that way before and thankfully, since.  I found I would just break out crying for no reason, I didn’t know why, I didn’t even know how to feel.

I would find I would become lost, just staring out into nothingness, then I would come back into myself and not know where I was, which wasn’t very convenient at work.  I struggled to sleep and found myself praying at night, that if I did sleep, not to wake in the morning, because I just didn’t want to feel this way anymore.

In the middle of all this, my manager at work decided to put me through my forklift test.  I couldn’t tell anyone at work what was happening, I was doing everything I can to hide it all, cracks were being to show, but everyone was too busy to really notice.

Any other time I would have been happy to take the training and the test, but what bothered me most was that I was struggling to concentrate on anything and these moments where I would find myself drifting off.  The last thing I wanted was to go into one of these moments whilst operating a fork lift. After all, I don’t even drive, I’ve never taken a driving lesson or sat behind the wheel of a car in my life, nevermind a forklift.

After two days of training, it came time to take the test, with the watchful eyes of my work colleagues looking on too.  But I found a way to get through the test, to keep my mind on what I had to do and ultimately to pass the test without any problems, it came through the words of a song.

When you walk into the room
Everything changes
Darkness starts to tremble
At the light that you bring
And when you walk into the room
Every heart starts burning
And nothing matters more
Than just to sit here at your feet
And worship you
We worship you

Every time I felt doubt, I sang this song to myself, somehow it kept me in the now, rather than drift off to place I didn’t need to be going.  I had recently come across the Bryan & Katie Torwalt song and found some peace through it, I’m not sure why this was the song that came into my head when I needed it, but I’m glad it did, it brought me comfort and clarity when I needed it most, it reminded me of where I had previously found the strength to get through.

Once again a song became my comfort when I needed it, so many times along this journey have the words of a song inspired me in my low times, so many times I have been spoken to by the words of a song when I needed it.  When I look back to the three years before I quit drinking, when my habit and my problems were at their worst, there were songs that were speaking to me then, although I didn’t know it.

WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM by BRYAN & KATIE TORWALT
When You walk into the room
Everything changes
Darkness starts to tremble
At the light that you bring
When You walk into the room
Every heart starts burning
Than just to sit here at your feet
And worship you
We worship you

We Love You, and we’ll never stop
We can’t live without You, Jesus
We Love You, We can’t get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

When You walk into the room
Sickness starts to vanish
Every hopeless situation
Ceases to exist
When You walk into the room
The dead begin to rise
Cause there is resurrection life
In all You do

We Love You, and we’ll never stop
We can’t live without You, Jesus
We Love You, We can’t get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

Come and consume God
All we are
We give You permission
Our hearts are Yours
We want You
We want You

Come and consume God
All we are
We give You permission
Our hearts are Yours
We want You
We want You

Come and consume God
All we are
We give You permission
Our hearts are Yours
We want You
We want You

Come and consume God
All we are
We give You permission
Our hearts are Yours
We want You
We want You

We Love You, and we’ll never stop
We can’t live without You, Jesus
We Love You, We can’t get enough
All this is for You, Jesus

Oh how we love You
Oh how we love You

1 thought on “When You Walk Into The Room

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