The Story So Far – Chapter 2 – A Venture Into The Unknown

CHAPTER 2 – A VENTURE INTO THE UNKNOWN

On 6th February 2011, our daughter had her dedication at Church, this time I made it there, we put on a show of being a family despite what was going on, we had family come back to our house afterwards, together with Victoria’s friends from Church, I knew some of them but not many.  In a strange twist of fate, all the family sat in the back room with Victoria, I got home and went straight into the front room to watch the football, it was all the people from Church that came into the front room and sat with me, I met so many people that day for the first time, but many of those that sat in my room would become pivotal to what was going to happen just over a year later, I don’t think anyone at that time knew the significance of the that afternoon in February 2011, yet when I look back I know now it wasn’t by chance or coincidence it happened that way, God moves in ways we can never comprehend.

The sad thing was that even though I really enjoyed everyone’s company that afternoon and I really liked everyone that I had met, I also couldn’t wait for them to go.  I knew I couldn’t start drinking in front of them and to be honest I had drunk everything I had the night before.  So I was beginning to get desperate for something to drink.  As soon as the last visitors had left, I made my way around the corner to the shop, it was gone 6pm now and it was invading my drinking time.  Even now I feel really embarrassed by that, these people stood by me a year later, they were there for me when I needed them, but back then I couldn’t wait to get rid of them, because I preferred a drink to their company.

At that point in my life the idea of Church was a big no, I wasn’t in anyway interested in being in a Church, if invited to a Wedding, unless it was close family, Victoria would go with the kids without me, I would go to the evening party, but Victoria would ultimately use the excuse of me being at karate, which in a way was true, but it was avoidable, I just hated in Churches.  At that point I had never been in a Church like Everyday Champions Church, church to me was a centuries old stone building, cold and uncomfortable, an old guy at the front speaking from a book I wasn’t interested and singing hymns that I just could bring myself to sing.  Was I a total non believer, I guess not really, I was fine with people having faith, I just wasn’t interested myself, I believed there was something more to this life, but I was nowhere near ready to accept a God or Jesus into my life.

But on that day in February 2011, I actually found I enjoyed the service at Church and even the music there, some of what they sang I already had on my iPod, but at that point I wasn’t interested.

The music though I was really interested in, I don’t really know why, but even before things began to unravel, I had actually become interested in Christian music.  In mid 2008 I began listening to bands like Casting Crowns, Third Day and Tenth Avenue North, I actually really liked the music and sang along to many of the songs.  Over the previous three years I had been listened to as much Christian music as I had to secular music, I didn’t know why back then, I just did.  I remember one day singing along at home to Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn, in particular the lyrics…

Jesus Christ, light of the world
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness
You held me, still held me

When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone

Your words are life cut marrow through
The darkness to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight

Victoria challenged me as to why I was singing along to such lyrics when I wasn’t a believer, I remember just saying that I enjoyed the music, it was good music and I liked to listen to it, she couldn’t get it into her head as to why I could sing along, if I’m honest then neither can I, as a total none believer I was singing of Jesus, the light of my light, my hope and my saviour, why I don’t really know, but I was somehow in the middle of all this turmoil and this pain and anger, me the total none believer, the guy who didn’t want to know about God, faith, religion or Jesus, was openly singing about all these things.

I had even set my ringtone on my phone to the song “All Around Me” by Christian band Flyleaf, I loved the song, I just thought it was about relationships in general, just about loving someone, it would take a number of years to find that it was about feeling the presence and love of God all around us, how wrong I was, but once again I don’t  think it was by chance that a song like this was brought into my life, eventually music would become a medium in which God would speak to me, but a lot of things had to break until I released just how long this had been happening in my life.

Later in the year a friend of mine offered me a full time job, one of the sales assistants at the builders merchant that he was manager of was leaving and the job was mine if I wanted it.  I was interested in the job, but something inside of me was afraid of change.  When this all started and I was applying for jobs, yet getting no reply, I just stopped bothering, I began to wonder if I was good enough to do anything else, I was being rejected without even being told why, not even given the courtesy of being informed I wasn’t right for the job I was applying for.  I became more and more demoralised and as I mentioned earlier began to withdraw even more.  Now there was job I could take if I wanted it, it would solve so many problems, it was a no brainer really, yet I couldn’t say yes, I stalled for a number of weeks, until I saw that he had in the end advertised it, Victoria challenged me on it and I contacted Bill and said I was interested.  I went to meet him at work and I agreed to take the job, I had to wait a while until the other guy had left, but in late November I started working full time, a regular wage and regular work, it was going to solve so many of my problems, or so I thought.

In this crazy, mixed up mindset that I was living my life with, I thought everything was retrievable.  But I actually thought that it was just the financial situation that was driving the wedge, it was the money problem that was causing the distance between myself and Victoria, having a job and a regular wage would take things right back to where I was before and I could get things back on track with Victoria, that was my mindset, that was what I wanted, I so wanted to make things right with Victoria, but just couldn’t bring myself to sit down with her and have a conversation about where we were and what we could do about it.

Every time my mind wandered back to a time shortly after the birth of our first child, Ben would be about one year old and just a few days before Christmas we were unable to agree what to do on Christmas day, it was on the face of it a trivial disagreement, but we were in a bit of a rocky patch, we were getting a little distant, it would seem that having a child was changing our relationship, I became second to our son as Victoria became super mum and in the midst of that argument I heard those words for the first time….

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you!”

Those words destroyed me, they broke me then, on that occasion we resolved to try harder with our relationship and we got things back on track.  Now this time, I dreaded hearing those words again, I knew I would have to hear them again, I knew they would hurt once again, but I still thought that if we could do it back then, get things back on track again, find a way through it all, then we could do that again, why not?

But things weren’t going to plan, yes I was working full time, which was healthy, I was a better person when I had a purpose to get up for, something to put my mind to.  But the sad fact was that by working and having a regular wage, it meant that I had more money to spend and more money meant more alcohol.

DAYLIGHT by BRAVE SAINT SATURN
Did you hear the news today?
I’m not coming home, no
And I wished it all away
I felt so alone, yeah

And the darkness crept its way
Like stars that we all know will die too soon
There is never any sunrise here
In the shadows of eclipsing moons

Crawling on a tightrope
The bravest thing I have is hope

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, oh, tonight

Halogen, the lights will flicker
Incandescent burning lies
And the silence stands for nothing
Desperate I search the skies

Aching for a spark
Trembling in pitchest dark

Daylight, save me
Daylight, save me
Tonight, oh, tonight

“U.S.S. Gloria, this is Mission Control, do you copy?”
Repeat, “U.S.S. Gloria, this is Mission Control, do you copy?”
“We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria”
Repeat, “We have lost contact with the U.S.S. Gloria”

“Mission Control, this is the U.S.S. Gloria
Do you read me? Do you read me?
Mayday, mayday, we have lost primary guidance functions
Mayday”

The crew is now out of radio contact
Presently there is no way for us to know
Whether they are alive or dead
Our hopes and prayers go out with you all

“U.S.S. Gloria, this is Mission Control, do you copy?”
“Houston, this is the U.S.S. Gloria, good to hear your voice
We are coming out of the eclipse now
I see the sunlight, it’s beautiful
The sunlight is beautiful”

Jesus Christ, light of the world
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness
You held me, still held me

When desperate nights I cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone

Your words are life cut marrow through
The darkness to the bone
A heart of flesh You gave me
Only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
I am coming home
Home, home, home, home

5 thoughts on “The Story So Far – Chapter 2 – A Venture Into The Unknown

  1. Beverley

    Sorry I clicked In erro, was about to say I have a Freind in exactly the same position, but sadly he is far far away from God, I will be showing him this blog oneday. I think the Holy Spirit led me here as all week I been trying to think of ways to talk to him but your blog is from a male presepective. Hoping it will plant the seed. 🙂

    Reply
  2. beingmepresently

    Those last four paragraphs really resonate with me. My partner tried to blame everything on the debt and couldn’t see that the problem was deeper than that.

    I remember feeling how your wife felt – I don’t think I said it out loud but he knew anyway by my actions. Particularly after having a baby things got a whole lot more difficult with my PHD. I know he felt pushed away and I blamed him for it – even though it was not all his fault. X

    Reply
    1. waynemali Post author

      Thank you for being honest, I can’t put myself into you partners head and know exactly how he feels right now. I will never excuse anything I have done, I made the choices that brought me to where I am now, I made those mistakes by myself, circumstances all add up, but in the end, had I made the right choices earlier on, had I spoken out when I first felt the pressure, things could be different. I hope you can both find a way to talk about what’s going on, it’s something Victoria and I could never do, if we had would things be different, better or worse? I don’t know, I believe it would never have got to this stage, but I can’t change that now. I hope in reading this you find some understand and maybe a way forward.

      As I say, if I can help or you just need an ear to bend, please let me know.

      Wayne

      Reply

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