The Story So Far – Chapter 5 – The End Of Me

CHAPTER 5 – THE END OF ME

I still couldn’t eat much on the Saturday, I had no appetite, I went to work in the morning, came home and then later in the afternoon went out to teach.  After class I followed the usual pattern, myself and a couple of the adult students went to the pub next door, the other two didn’t want to stay long, but I didn’t want to go home, I managed to get five pints of strong cider down me before deciding to go home, on the way I detoured to the shop around the corner, grabbed a couple of bottles of wine and carried on drinking, well at least until I fell asleep.

The next day was Mother’s Day, Victoria went to Church with Eve, Ben stayed at home playing on the computer in the back room.  I pottered around on my laptop when I saw on Facebook a picture of Victoria receiving a bunch of flowers from Church, I suddenly realised the kids hadn’t got her anything, because I was in such a mess that I hadn’t even bothered, regardless of where we were in our relationship, it was still Mother’s Day and she deserved something from the kids.  In my shame I went upstairs for a bath, that’s when it happened again, I once again found myself looking deep into the eyes of a face in the mirror I had come to hate, I looked a mess and my mind was in an even worse state, those same thoughts floated around my head, this time they had more meaning as I wasn’t hiding my problem anymore, the world was beginning to find out and more importantly I knew I had a problem and just how much of a waste of life I had become.

The messages in my head felt so much more vivid, the voice shouting them seemed louder than ever, I felt lower than ever, more desperate, more lost.  I had hold of the penknife and was once again holding out my hands, but this time I couldn’t get my hand any closer, I couldn’t get the knife to my right wrist, I tried, but I just held them out there, not moving, yet the voices seemed clear and louder as the moments passed.  Then just as before, that one thought came, that message that my kids needed me, they needed me more than ever, I just had to hold on a little longer.

It was just as every other time, yet this time it all seemed more vivid, more real, more desperate, but that final thought, even though the same as every other time seemed louder than ever, it seemed to just silence every other thought, they died when that one came through, no echoes in my mind, they were defeated.  I just stood there, my arms out stretched and the knife in my right hand, as the tears rolled down my face.  I put the knife down and cried, once again so mad, probably far more angry than before, now I really was in that feeling of being stuck in a nothing existence, I didn’t have the courage to live anymore, I didn’t want to if this was life, but I felt I didn’t have the courage to die either, I was mad with myself, so mad, what was left for me now, where could I go from here, I wanted to stop drinking, but couldn’t, I wanted to die, but couldn’t.

So following the usual pattern, I got in the bath and tried to wash the smell of alcohol and stale sweat from myself, wash off the dirt of who I was.  There I came to realise that if I couldn’t die, then maybe it was time to start living.  When I got out of the bath, I went to the shop, got Mother’s day cards and presents for Victoria and tried to make it look like I had everything together.

One thing I did do was to take the penknife from the bath room, I took it downstairs, wrote a note on a piece of paper and placed it with the penknife on Victoria’s bedside table, I wrote…

“Keep this safe, I don’t need it anymore!”

From the moment I put that knife down, even through all the tears, something inside had began to change, giving this knife up, a knife that had tormented me for so long was a pretty big thing.  That gesture was inspired by a story I had seen on Facebook, but I will cover that later, that story has another part to play in my own story.

When Victoria came home, she said she had spoken to Gareth, she had explained the situation to him and he had given her his mobile number and said I could call him anytime.  It seems that nobody at Church was aware of what was going on, I believe she had only discussed it with one close friend, other than that nobody else knew, not even Gareth.

When I received Gareth’s number a few things began to click into place, some of the desperation that I had been feeling earlier seemed to lift.  By that point my selfish idea of calling him to get him on my side was beginning to subside, by now I was beginning to understand that I needed to call him for me, I needed to sort myself out, I guess this was the first time I realised that I was actually ill, I had a disease and I needed to get better, I wasn’t sure how much Gareth could help me or whether I in calling him I was ready to turn to a God in my life, but I knew I couldn’t continue this cycle of drinking and these moments of weakness when I wanted out of life, I had a family that needed me, they needed me to be well again, I needed me to be well again too.

That afternoon I went to teach again, then followed the usual pattern, go to the pub, convince everyone to stay for just one more, then another and then another, wander home, detour to the shop, grab a couple of bottles of wine and continue drinking until I simply fell asleep, that was my usual cycle and that’s just what I did.  I had the five pints, purchased a couple of bottles and began drinking them at home until I fell asleep.

The only difference here was that that night I fell asleep before I finished the second bottle, I left about a third of the bottle, still over that weekend I had drank more than I ever had, over the last week I had spent more than ever and consumed more than ever.  But when I woke on Monday morning, I didn’t grab the partially drank bottle and down it, not like I usually would, I put it away in the kitchen, on top of the fridge, this morning I had more important things to do.  I may have been on a bender over the weekend, I may have lost control, but this morning I seemed to start the fight back.

BREAK FREE by LIKE A STORM
Help me
I’ve fallen further in myself
I’m stuck here again
And I can’t see
That I’m not digging my way out
I’m digging my grave.

I’ve become my own demise
Paralyzed inside my mind
Arms are weak from holding up this front
No escape and no surprises
Complicated compromises
Hold me down
When what all I really want

Break free, break free, break free
From everything
Break free
Before it breaks me
There’s got to be another way
Start again.

Tell me
How you can be the brighter star
That light up the sky
Well I can’t seem
To even light up my own place
And I’ve burned out from trying

I’ve become what I despise
Paralyzed inside a lie
Arms are weak from holding back the flood
Sinking as the waters rise
Drink myself to sleep each night
I’m going under
And all I really want

Break free, break free, break free
From everything
Break free
Before it breaks me
There’s got to be another way

Start again

No
Going under
I all I really want
Break free

Break free
Before it breaks me
There’s got to be another way

Start again
Start again
Start again
There’s got be another way.

Start again
Start again
Start again
Start again

3 thoughts on “The Story So Far – Chapter 5 – The End Of Me

  1. captainmo08

    Brother,
    Thank you for following my blog! I hope that something I post will be helpful for you. I am sorry to hear you struggle so. I was talking with a girl I mentor yesterday and we were talking about fighting sin and the struggles. A couple of things I wanted to share with you.
    1. I am not sure how familiar you are with the Bible and such, but Paul, in the New Testament, is one of the most amazing people in the whole Bible, wrote most of the New Testament, he struggle with sin and at times felt unable to do anything about it.
    “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
    So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” Romans 7:15-25
    The struggle is real, as you well know, but know that you are not the only one to struggle.
    2. I am praying for you that you get the point my friend and I were talking about yesterday. A point of knowing the difference between your needs and wants. This sounds simple, but let me explain. There are many MANY sinful things that I want, and I used to cave into those all the time. But at one point in my life, I got low enough, tired enough and just plain done, and I realized that me trying to run my own life was not working. I gave it up to God and He took it. The changes in my life since that point are insane, like I am literally not the same person at all. In that moment, I realized to that no matter what I needed God. I wanted sin, but I NEEDED God. That is that I NEEDED to survive. I still sin and struggle, but my bouts last much shorter because I know I cannot get what I need there, so I must always return to God, because I NEED Him. And actively choosing sin breaks our relationship, it separate the intimacy there, and that is what I NEED. So I try my best to refuse to do anything that would put my intimacy with God at risk, because I NEED HIM. That’s the work of God in my life, not at all my own will-power or strength. So I am praying that for you, and pray it for yourself as well.
    3. Communication and Community are VITAL! God gives us these as tools, so use them brother. They are gifts to help us grow closer to Him.
    Hope you find this as helpful and not merely unwanted advice.
    Praying for you!
    Morgan

    Reply
  2. Beverley

    Truly Amazing testimony, I also like the way your songs match the posts. This is so touching that I am totally hooked and excited to get to the part where you got saved. :). I know this blog will be helping others. By the way I have sent it to a friend who is an alcoholic, I’m hoping oneday he will pluck up the courage to read…I’m hopeful as it grips you from the very start.

    Reply
  3. Jimmy L.

    God’s 3 answers to prayer…….{ yes } { no } { I have something better for you in mind }……
    I have somehow gotten to hear you sing and my heart is filled……Thank you for being there…….

    Reply

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