New Journal, New Steps

For the last two weeks, I’ve been getting up every morning and getting out walking again, it been amazing, everyday seems to have a better balance to it if I get out, I get my worship music on and just walk.  I have chance to get everything that’s on my mind reasoned through and submitted it God if I am unable to deal with it.

The morning I started walking again came the same day as I started a new journal.  The previous night I had completed the last page in a journal that started about year ago, just after I came off the anti-depressant medication, over the last few months nearly every page of that book I found myself moaning about how I longed to get walking again, but just couldn’t bring myself to do it each morning, it was excuse after excuse and I was fed up with myself.  I knew I was a better person and life was better when I was walking before,  I knew I had to get back to that in order to progress again, but I just kept falling back on the same excuse, I’m just too tired.

But that Friday night I closed that book, I complained to myself one last time and closed the page, the next morning, the alarm sounded and I got up and went straight out and started walking again.

I have to say the weather has been good in general, I have had one morning where it was drizzling, that didn’t stop me, but there was one morning where it was absolutely bucketing it down, needless to say I gave that morning a miss, but I wasn’t hung on it, it was a one off and it’s staying that way.

I guess it’s been an eighteen month journey from those dark days of the onset of depression, those nights where I prayed not to wake in the morning, because I didn’t want to live if I felt that way, nights where I found myself writing out my most desperate prayers in the early hours of the morning, asking for all that darkness to be taken away, then to later in the morning write a reply where I felt God say:

“I CAN’T TAKE IT FROM YOU, BUT I WILL WALK THROUGH IT WITH YOU”

Sometimes we just have to go through these things, at the time it hard to understand why, but now I understand, now I know why I had to go through it and keep holding on to God, at the time you think you are the only one who has been there and felt that way, but I know I am not and that others have and others will go through similar times and I know I can be there to help someone else when they go through it too.

Over the last few months this song has been on almost continuous repeat on my iPod, it’s my constant reminder to declare:

I’M NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR, I AM A CHILD OF GOD

NO LONGER SLAVES by BETHEL MUSIC
You unravel me, with a melody
You surround me with a song
Of deliverance, from my enemies
Till all my fears are gone

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

From my mothers womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I’ve been born again, into your family
Your blood flows through my veins

I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God

I am surrounded
By the arms of the father
I am surrounded
By songs of deliverance

We’ve been liberated
From our bondage
We’re the sons and the daughters
Let us sing our freedom

You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
All my fears were drowned in perfect love
You rescued me
So I could stand and sing
I am child of God

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