Weakness Or Strength

I had a situation yesterday or should I say conversation at work that I’ve faced twice before, in the conversation with one of my colleagues the subject of drinking came up and for the third time she called me weak for being an alcoholic.

The first time I was absolutely livid, in fairness at the time I was descending into a depression and I was so angry that they just didn’t understand how hard the fight is, I guess you can try and explain things as hard as you like sometimes, but if they’ve not been in that situation, they will never truly understand.

The second time I was mad, but I just laughed it off and responded with an “if you like” sort of comment, I was annoyed but certainly not as angry as the first time.

So fast forward on a couple of years to yesterday and my attitude to the statement was completely different.  Yes I did laugh it off, but it was because I was content to know this:

I know the weakness is in succumbing
The real strength is in OVERCOMING!

As I say sometimes you just can’t get over the state of mind, that as a person, I was in when I had no control over my drinking.  You can’t explain the nights you tried not to drink, how you would pace the house scratching the skin from your arms in frustration.  Or the times I worked out how much drink I could afford with the money coming in, rather than paying any bills or the times I took my children’s birthday and Christmas money, never to be replaced, as I drank it all away, how can anyone understand how that feels, unless of course you’ve been there.

2 Corinthians 12:10

2 Corinthians 12:10

I have this image of 2 Corinthians 12:10 printed on canvas and hanging over me on my wall as I sleep and I’ve come to realise and understand that it’s His strength that sees me through each day, His strength that makes me overcome when I struggle.  No one ever said recovery was easy, nobody said sobriety would solve all my problems, but it does make things clearer and makes me face those problems and overcome them, rather than hide away, but not of this would be possible without His grace.

I also had another one of those drinking dreams this week, slightly different this one, usually I don’t see myself drinking in the dream, I just believe I have and the guilt of the situation wakes me up with a jolt and I struggle for a few moments to work out the truth of the situation or whether it’s a dream or reality.  I have to scan the room, just to make sure there are no empty bottles or cans, it’s a tough dream to take, but come the sunrise you know it was a dream and has all gone away.  This week’s dream was a little different, I actually remember drinking in the dream, remember taking a few mouthfuls of wine and enjoying it, then suddenly realising what I was doing as I took another mouthful and then spitting it out, then the guilt takes control of the situation, I woke up again at that point with the same feeling of guilt, but managed to brush this one off a little quicker, again when the sun rises, all that guilt has disappeared, it just takes a bit of getting back to sleep.

I hate those dreams, but I guess they are part and parcel of the recovery process.  One thing that is hard to get over is the guilt of past actions, like taking my kids money, it’s not something you really forgive yourself for, I have I suppose come to terms with it, but I guess all that guilt comes out in those dreams.  Luckily I don’t have to put up with them too often.  Those thoughts of guilt are little more preminent this week also as my son turned 14 this past Wednesday, obviously at his age he get’s mostly money, so seeing that all those memories flood back on the wave of those guilt dreams.  But in the end that was the old me, the one that died on the 29th March 2012, not the guy that woke up sober on the 30th, that guy died to his old self and was made new by the grace of God.

I’ve been overcoming my addiction now for over 180 weeks, each day is still a celebration, a celebration of my sobriety and God’s power in my life.  So with His grace and strength, I’ll keep overcoming and counting those days.

LOVE SONG by JONATHAN DAVID & MELISSA HELSER
I can hear a love song
All around me, when the wind blows
I can hear Your voice speak
It surrounds me, when the leaves move

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

I can hear a love song
In everything, You’re singing
I can hear Your heartbeat
Flowing through me, You’re inside me

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]

I can hear a love song
All around me, when the wind blows
I can hear Your voice speak
It surrounds me, when the leaves move

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]

[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]
[oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!]

I’m just dust without Your breath
I’m just clay without Your kiss
I’m just skin and bones without Your wind in my lungs

2 thoughts on “Weakness Or Strength

  1. leftnfree

    On Sept. 9th I celebrated 17 years of sobriety and while in those 17 years there were times when I wanted to return to drinking and drugging God He has other plans and so I have not had to use to cope with the things in today. Others don’t understand and that is ok with me. I had a cousin who had she listened to the advice I gave would of had 90 days sober but instead we got a phone call that she had overdosed with pills and with drinking. God have mercy on her. She always would tell me that my drinking and drugging were different than what she did yet she had no idea how come II knew so much. But its about what God gets to use in our recovery time and what He gets is to help clean us up and make us better for His glory.. Great job on 180 weeks…

    The dreams they are insidious and pretty scary for me (and yes I still have about 10-15 a year. I think its the disease letting me know it is still there no matter what. keep doing what you are doing….

    Reply

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