Celebrating The Miracle Of My Darkest Day

Today is the 200 week anniversary of the darkest day of my entire life, a day when I sought the end of everything, life, everything, to walk away from the earth, from the people I loved, from everything I had left and everything I had to come. The day was the culmination of a binge that had started five days earlier when my sad, slow descent into my alcohol addiction had finally put the nail in the coffin of the relationship between myself and Victoria, I had let got of myself and in the end she had to let go of me too.

For five days I barely ate, just drank, when I wasn’t working or teaching I was drinking, every spare opportunity I had to drink. I tried not to, really did, when I left the house to go buy more wine and cider, I cried as I passed the door to Victoria’s room, apologising for what I was going to do, she said she understood, but I don’t think she really did.

On that Sunday morning, after putting away five pints of strong cider and two bottles of wine the night before, I finally realised what a mess I was and the voice in my head told me quite clearly I was useless, I was a waste of space and my kids and Victoria were better off without me around, the only way out was to end it ALL. I stood looking in the mirror as the voice over and over told me how useless I was, tears falling and my right hand holding out a penknife, reaching for my left wrist, I planned now to get in the bath I was running, cut my wrists and just lay there waiting to die, an end to the pain, an end to everyone’s pain, they would all finally be free.

That was the lowest point in my life that I have ever found myself, I had had episodes like this before, but never with the real intention inside, now I really didn’t have anything to live for, before I was still in hope I could turn it around, that the situation with Victoria, the drinking, the money, it all could be repaired, now it seemed it couldn’t, this was the end.

So today, 200 weeks, 1400 days on, I chose to change my opinion of this day and actually proclaim that this is the greatest day of my life, the day when the chains fell and I truly feel that God’s hand and voice were truly evident to me. I can see now points in my life where God laid out seeds on the ground for me to follow, some I did, most I didn’t, but on this day, it was the day of the breakthrough, the day God started His mighty work to my redemption, my salvation, His grace was felt, His voice in that moment changed everything.

As I stood there, facing this grim visage that was my tear stained face, crying along with every worthless thought, God’s voice whispered over all the noise and I heard it, I guess I didn’t know it was Him as the time, but now I know it most certainly was. Just as the bath was filled, just as I repeated all those thoughts of worthlessness, a voice said…..

“It’s better that your kids live with who you are now, than what they are going to find!”

I looked to the bath and vision of my there in red bath water, all life drained from me, this was what my children would find, I knew it would be my daughter that would come looking for me first, she was six years old, that’s a memory that no one should have to live with, let alone your six year old daughter. I put the knife down and cried even harder.

God’s voice in that moment told me there was hope, that what I had was somehow retrievable, what I wanted to do was not. There was a way out of this, there wasn’t a way out of suicide.

I remember at that point feeling so angry, I was in a place of nothingness, stuck in a void, neither living not dead, I was angry with myself, I felt I had neither the courage to live or the courage to die, I had nothing, nothing at all, I didn’t see the hope then, it would come later.

I truly believe I wasn’t being selfish at that point, I do not believe that suicide is the selfish option, suicide is the point of all hopelessness, you are drained of any hope, for you or the people you love whilst you are still alive. I have heard people say and I might add some Christians too, that suicide is the only way out of their problems for some people, unfortunately these people have never found themselves at the point of all hopelessness and had to stare themselves in the face and reason with this option.

But if that moment in my life taught me anything, it’s that God says there is always hope.

Later that day, Victoria brought me the telephone number for Gareth, the Pastor at her Church, I had asked to speak with him out of selfishness, believing that he could mediate something between us, now God was saying I needed to speak with Him so doors could be opened.

I knew Gareth, I had met him a number of times and only a year before we sat in my living room watching the football together, this I now see was just another seed God planted for me, to meet people along the way, that would be instrumental in seeing me come out of the dark and lonely pit I had dug for myself.

The next day I called Gareth first thing in the morning, against every fear in body I made that call, my addiction tried to stop me, it knew it would be the beginning of the end, start of the battle back, I nearly gave in, but Victoria knew I had to make that call too, she even checked with Gareth just to make sure.

The meeting we had later that night lifted the hopelessness that I was shrouded under and let in the some light, over the coming days the light would shine brighter and brighter, I would hear God’s voice over and over again, I would start to speak to Him, to pray, to let the miracle begin and life be renewed.

In a way I guess I truly died that day, maybe not physically, but something died that day so I could live.

That day God became real, maybe I didn’t really appreciate it at the time, but over the coming months I became aware of what was done for me that day. The one thought that broke the chains, could only be the whisper of God that can be heard over chaos, my hands though holding tight to the steel blade, could move no further, I truly believe God held them that day, as He whispered in my ear, telling me to hold on, there is hope.

In my journal I have a number at the top of the page, the SoberDay count, each day I count the number of days since the 29th March 2012, when I took that last drink, when the chain of addiction finally fell, but at the bottom of the page I have the number of days since that Sunday 18th March 2012, day one being the next day when I phoned Gareth, that ‘s the first day of the rest of my life, my old life died before that mirror the day before.

All my life, I’ve searched for something to satisfy the longing in my heart
And everytime, I come away emptier than before

And now I finally see the reason
‘Cause I was made to be yours alone
You formed my heart with your own hands
But I just could not understand
If I gave you my life
I’d be healed by your Grace
I was made for Your love
And gave others Your place

I spent my days giving my heart away to anything new
Only to ache from the poison of my temporary muse
And there were times I’d cry myself to sleep at night
Only to wake up wishing that I didn’t

And now I finally see the reason
‘Cause I was made to be yours alone
You formed my heart with your own hands
But I just could not understand
If I gave you my life
I’d be healed by your Grace
I was made for Your love
And gave others Your place

Thank you for never giving up on me
When I looked to everything else and lived so selfishly
You bled, you died to be with me
Why would you do something like that for someone like me?

And now I finally see the reason
‘Cause I was made to be yours alone
You formed my heart with your own hands
And now I finally understand
And I give you my life
And I’m healed by your grace
I was made for your love that no one can replace
This is it
I wont miss everything I am made for
To be yours
All yours

8 thoughts on “Celebrating The Miracle Of My Darkest Day

    1. waynemali Post author

      Thank you so much, I completely associate with your poem, I have written previously about being in a tunnel & trying to find light along the journey out, I love your poem, thank you sharing.

  1. faith.hope.recovery

    Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this! 200 weeks is a HUGE milestone and it is so encouraging to read about your total redemption and transformation through the grace of God! Stay strong in your faith. God bless πŸ™‚

  2. WordwithMindy

    Thank you so much for sharing your sad, broken, hopeless-to-hope-filled, redeemed, restored, grace-filled, healing, beautiful story here, Wayne! You have an amazing journey and have become quite an amazing testimony and writer! May God bless you richly as you continue on your healing journey and sobriety! And please keep sharing – your words help so many ❀

  3. joyroses13

    Praise God for speaking to you that day and saving your life as you made the right decision! Your posts have been inspiring to read and I congratulate you on the hard journey you have fought! Blessings as you continue to!! God is FAITHFUL!

  4. prior2001

    Your story is riveting and such a testimony to the power of God – may the lord continue to keep you strong! You are a great writer and the flow of your story was smooth and really moving – which takes good writing to do – and again – looks like you have many things left to don down here – powerful things that include sharing your story and life via blog! Peace to u !


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