At The Edge Of Life

Sometimes I believe time passes really slowly and at others it seems to pass so quickly, so I’m finding it hard to believe where I was five years ago today to where I am now, 18th March 2012 was the beginning of a two week period which changed my life entirely.

That day I found myself in the depths of despair, just five days before my relationship with Victoria had ended, we had drifted apart over the two years where I was drinking heavily and removing myself from daily life, refusing in a way to deal with my problems, certainly not admitting I had any. But after that night, I realised I had no longer any control over drinking, alcohol had it’s grip and I was helpless.

For the previous five days I had barely eaten, maybe a two or three meals, but I had drank, oh boy had I drank, I drank more in those five days than I had in any week in my life. Each time I left to go to the shop, I cried, I apologised, I couldn’t help myself, I tried not to, but it was just too hard, it was easier to admit defeat and give into the grip of the bottle.

But on that day, I found myself at home, my son was in the house, but Victoria and Eve had gone to Church, it was Mother’s Day and my kids hadn’t got anything for Victoria because I hadn’t got them anything. I went upstairs to have a bath, to clean up before I went out to teach karate, get rid of the smell of the previous evening’s alcohol.

There I found myself staring at myself in the mirror, I had picked up a penknife I had in the bathroom, the blade was out and I held it against my left wrist. In my mind I only had thoughts of how worthless I was, how everyone I knew would be better off without me, Victoria and the kids would be better off, they wouldn’t have to struggle for money or keep dragging me along, they would be free.

I decided I was going to cut my wrists and then get in the bath I had just ran and wait to die.
As thought after thought repeated in my head, each one telling my how I was worthless to everyone, there was one thought that came out of nowhere. I heard a voice say…

“Your children are better off living with you as your are now,
than living with the memory of what they will find.”

I looked down at the bath and I could see the image of myself laying dead in the water and then releasing that it would be one of my kids that would find this, most probably my six year old daughter, after that I put down the knife, I couldn’t go through with it, I just stood there crying.
This voice and this thought was in opposition to everything that I was feeling, I didn’t know from where it came from, but it was enough.

But I felt so angry, anger at myself for being what I perceived as a coward, I remember thinking how I didn’t have the courage to live, but I didn’t have the courage to die either, I was trapped in this state of nothingness, this void, from where it seemed I couldn’t escape.

I had my bath, got my mind ready for karate and set off. I taught as if the world couldn’t see who I really was, after all when I put on my karate suit I escaped from who I really was, it was like an alter ego, nobody knew what was going on in my life, the only thing that seemed normal was karate. After teaching I hit the pub, had at least five pints of strong cider and set off home, on the way back I picked up two bottles of wine and set about drinking them until I drifted off to sleep, that had become my normal routine by now.

But things where changing, I knew by then I had to get help, if I couldn’t die, I had to start living. I had asked Victoria if I could speak with her Pastor, I had met him a few times and really liked him. But my initial intention was to convince him to get Victoria to give me another change, it was purely selfish, I knew Victoria respected him and thought he could broker something between us. Yet after the finding myself on the edge of life, Victoria came home with a lifeline, she gave me Gareth’s number. So that night I decided that come the morning I would call Gareth, but this time to ask for help to put myself right, nothing else mattered other than I needed help, big time.

Things were changing, once I put down that knife I knew I needed help, help to quit drinking and find a new way of coping with my problems, we were heavily in dept, I had made such a mess of things and I needed direction.

But it was that voice, that whisper against all the screams that I was making that made the difference. It wasn’t until much later that I realised that it was the voice of God that spoke to me that day, it was the Lord who told me to hang on, it was His spirit that showed me what my children would find and have to live with. It may have been the most painful moment in my entire life, but it started a chain of events that saw me find help, find God and find sobriety.

I hear many people say that suicide is weak or selfish, but believe me suicide is the point of all hopelessness, it is the point where all hope has gone and you can’t see any other way.

The only one who can fill that void of hopelessness is the Lord, He spoke to me that day and led me to Gareth to find help, all part of path He had set for me many years before, He had put everything in place for me to find a way out, now I just had to find the courage to make that call the next morning.

WAR IS OVER by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL & BETHEL MUSIC
The war is over, turn around
Lay your weapons on the ground
The smoke is fading before the light
The dead are coming back to life

He has made a way for us
Born for glory, out of dust
Children held within the arms of peace
He has made a way for all
Mercy waits where sinners falls
He is our victory

The war is over
His love has call
To call us daughetrs and sons
No longer orphans
Whithout a home
We have found where we belong

He has made a way for us
Born for glory, out of dust
Children held within the arms of peace
He has made a way for all
Mercy waits where sinners falls
He is our victory

He has made a way for us
Born for glory, out of dust
Children held within the arms of peace
He has made a way for all
Mercy waits where sinners falls
He is our victory

It is finished
It is done
The blood of Jesus overcomes
It is finished
He has won
He has won

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