True Realisation

The 13th March 2012 may seem so long ago now, seven years have passed by, yet the memories of that night still seem so fresh. That was a day when I really found out who I had become, only by truly realising the true loss of my actions over the past two years did I come to terms with the truth that I had a problem, a big one, one I could no longer hide from.

People I knew had relationships ending and I came to realise that my own with Victoria was virtually dead and I didn’t want that anymore. Over the last couple of years where I had been without regular work and income, I had disappeared into this bubble of my own, I removed myself from the family around me and fell into a bottle. I didn’t mean any of that, it just went that way and the deeper I fell, the more distant I got, I was sleeping on the settee and not really embracing any of what I had.

In my mind I told myself if I could just get a job, full time income, money coming in again, then all would be okay and all would fall back into place, as though nothing had ever happened, myself and Victoria could get back on track, actively loving each other.

Now I had a job, I had had one for over four months, yet nothing had really changed, except I got deeper into my pit. The income didn’t solve any problems, it made them worse, now I had more money, so more money to spend on drink and this I did.

But as I watched others break up, I knew I had to do something, so I spoke to Victoria about where we were, I had been putting this off, deep down I think I knew it was over, yet didn’t want to hear or admit it. But it was too late, that night we were over. We would carry on living in the same house, but as a relationship or partnership, there was no going back, she said it was over.

I remember breaking down into tears and just falling to the floor, I pleaded, but it was in vain, I had lost everything, my true love was gone, I had let this happen and I had no control, the alcohol was my master.

After our talk, all I wanted to do is drink, I couldn’t wait to get out the house to the shop at the top of the road, to get a couple of bottles of wine and drink them. I tried to fight it, but couldn’t, as I walked to the door I was in tears, all I could say to Victoria was I’m sorry, but I can’t stop it anymore, I couldn’t fight this addiction, it was killing me and all I loved, but I couldn’t stop it.

I went to the shop, brought the wine and drank it. Each night as that week went on, I repeated the same, crying, apologising as I went out to the shop for more wine. I had no appetite for food, for three days I practically never ate, just drank, whatever I could get my hands on.

I asked Victoria if I could speak with her Pastor, I told her I needed help, but in reality I was lying, I was convinced if I spoke with him, tell him who I felt and how much I actually loved Victoria, he would put things right between us, she listened to him and respected him, this was the way forward.

But as the weekend came, things were changing, I needed that meeting with Gareth more and more, it was no longer about any possible partnership, now it was our my survival, I was falling further and further, I was ready to let go.

I needed help!

DEAD MAN (CARRY ME) by JARS OF CLAY
January One
I got a lot of things on my mind 
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite 
I try to lift a finger but I don’t think I can make a call 
So tell me if I move ’cause I don’t feel anything at all 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral 
But it’s better than a party full of people I don’t really know 
Well, they’ve got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth 
There’s something in my veins but I can’t seem to make it work 
Won’t work 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Can you find a beat? 
Inside of me? 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Inside of me 
In front of me 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

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