So I Praise – Isaiah 25:1
And now the shadows
Slowly fade
Fading gracefully
Beneath Heaven’s light
Freedom walks in pastures new
And I praise
Under brighter stars
The name of my Lord
For all that He had done
Isaiah 25:1
In Hope – Ecclesiastes 9:4
We’re not dead
When we have hope
When we have God
We may die each day
Still in Christ we rise
Still in Christ we live
So come alive my friend
Embrace the hope
Embrace the Lord
Ecclesiastes 9:4
For the second night running I had very little sleep. Just two pints in two days was not enough to take the edge off what was happening. Although I had a sense of change, I was changing things about myself, fighting the urges of addiction and generally trying to be a better me, I don’t think as yet I had fully embraced the effect God was already having on my life.
I didn’t know who had spoke to me on Sunday afternoon, I didn’t known who had whispered that my children needed me. I didn’t know who had said I had to listen to “Healing Begins”, these were just voices in my head, I didn’t know then that they were the voice of God.
Work for me is pretty much a nine and half hour shift, then at times a would leave work, walk fifteen minutes to where I used to work for the architects and do a few hours work there, come Wednesday evening this was my day.
It had been a hard day at work and then the work at the architects wasn’t straight forward either, I wanted to get in there do what I needed to do, then get out, but this wasn’t happening, things were going on and on, it seemed like there was more and more things I had to sort out.
I remember beginning to get stressed with it all and thinking to myself, it would all be alright, on the way home I could nip to the shop, pick up a couple of bottles of wine and then when I get home, all would be alright, I had something to look forward to!
I finally finished my work and set off home. I got home, had tea, watched a bit of tv with the kids and then decided it was time for bed, then it hit me…
I hadn’t had a drink.
I hadn’t gone to the shop or grabbed those couple of bottles and I hadn’t missed it or craved for it since leaving the architects, something had changed, there was a Spirit within I never knew I had.
At that moment I closed my eyes, put my hands together and prayed, I thanked God for the strength He had given me to get through this night, I prayed for that continued strength to keep fighting, to get through all of this.
Then I put my head on the pillow and went to sleep. I woke the next morning with the alarm and immediately felt I had had the most peaceful nights sleep ever, at that moment I felt with all certainty that God had heard my prayer and answered it.
In that moment God became real to me, for years I had not believed, now I knew He was there and I knew He was for me, all I could do was cry, but now for the first time in ages, they were tears of joy.
That morning my journey with God started in earnest, things had really changed.
GIVE YOU PEACE by ECHOING ANGELS
I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side
I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace
For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise
I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace
Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful
I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace
I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace
Called – 1 Corinthians 4:1-2
Called, called out from the others
To a cause
To a way
Servants of Christ
The faithful
Now is the time
For the Church to rise
Now more than ever
We must rise
To prove our faith
Before this changing world
1 Corinthians 4:1-2
Having not drank on Monday evening following my meeting with Gareth, I found it hard to sleep. When things got bad over the last few years, I began to use alcohol more and more just to get through the night, the harder things became, the harder I found it to switch off and sleep, but if I drank, I drank until I simply fell asleep.
Gradually it took more and more to get there, but I did, I got so good at it I could fall asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand and wake hours later without spilling a drop, I would then finish the bottle, get up, get dressed and go to work, still nobody noticed.
Now I was fighting it, but in doing so I still couldn’t find peace enough to get through the night.
But the battle had started and I was finally willing to fight for myself and what was left of my family.
I woke from what sleep I had managed with a new sense of beginning, I knew change was there to be had, it was my time to grasp it. As the day went on, I had in my head the words of the song “Man In The Mirror” by Michael Jackson, love him or hate him, some of his songs are classics, as I went through my work and then karate, I had the words of the song in my head and knew if I wanted change, then I had to be the change.
As the evening went by, I heard another voice in my mind telling me to listen to a song called “Healing Begins” by Tenth Avenue North. I knew the song, I liked the song, it was a Christian song by a Christian band, but over the last few years I had taken to listening to some alternative Christian music, I had many Christian artists and songs on my iPod, I enjoyed the music, even if I didn’t understand the content. But as the night went on I couldn’t help but feel I had to listen to this song sooner rather than later.
After karate I went to the pub with friends, normally on a Tuesday I would have four pints and then go home and drink whatever I could find in the house, but not now. I hand two pints and then that was it, I got up and left to go home.
Half way home, when my friends had all gone their separate ways, I took out my iPod, found the song and pressed play.
All I could do was cry.
As I walked down the street listening to the lyrics of this song, it felt like the singer was speaking directly to me, telling me how I had been and how it’s now time to accept the healing the light can bring. I played the song over and over again, all the time crying.
That night I failed to sleep again, still the reduced alcohol couldn’t put me to sleep, I struggled my way through the night, so I put my headphones in and just listened to “Healing Begins” on repeat.
HEALING BEGINS by TENTH AVENUE NORTH
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
We’re here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
In The Dark – Proverbs 4:19
In the dark
A stumbling heart
One who never heard
One set to sin
My deeds brought on the shadows
Where my heart would ever stumble
Yet now I find my way
Out of all my dark
And I cling onto Your light
With everything I have
For You make sure my steps
And even though I may stumble
I shall never fall
Proverbs 4:19As the darkness of Sunday 18th March 2012 passed by, Monday morning came with a sense of hope, I knew I had something important to do, something that would change my life, the barrier now was fear and courage.
I had the day off work, there were a few things I had to do later in the day, but the most important thing, the most immediate thing, before anything else was to make a phone call to Gareth.
Everyone had left the house, Victoria had taken the kids to school and then gone straight to work, I was alone and I was shaking with fear.
I sat at the top of the stairs with my phone in my hand, the number ready to dial, now I had to fight the fear and find the courage within to call it.
I had decided the time to call would be around 9.10, time to get in the office, but not enough time to get busy with anything, that’s what I hoped anyway, now I just had to fight my shaking hands and press call.
An inner battle was raging, my soul knew it needed this phone call, if I was going to climb out of this pit I had created for myself, then this phone call was the beginning. Yet the monster of addiction that dwelt within wasn’t letting go that easily, it knew this call would change everything.
For a moment the monster was winning, I just wanted to put the phone down, turn away and carry on down this spiral.
But from somewhere I found the strength to call, I was shaking all over by now, I was so afraid of what was to come.
Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was. I had met Gareth a number of times, only a year before we watched football together with other members of his church in my front room, but essentially he knew me as Victoria’s partner.
I tried to say hi, it’s Wayne, Victoria’s partner, I got half way through it and broke down into tears. I wasn’t that person anymore, that was over, even I didn’t know who I was anymore.
Thankfully, Gareth seemed to understand and knew who I was, he asked how I was doing, I managed to say not very well and broke down into tears again, I was really a mess and he seemed to appreciate that.
Somehow I managed to be coherent enough to arrange to meet with him later that evening, he was going to come over to see me and chat, from that moment things changed.
From there I jumped in the shower, then went into town, I hadn’t really looked after myself in a long time, I didn’t shave anymore, I didn’t do anything with my hair, my clothes were becoming rags, drenched with the smell of stale sweat and alcohol.
Now was the time to start looking after myself.
I can’t be anything to anyone, if I’m not something to myself.
That night I was so nervous, so afraid, I was still shaking. Victoria was going out, she knew about the meeting, she had checked with Gareth that I had called, she knew it was important too.
She came to me before she went out and asked a question that shocked me, it shouldn’t have done, she asked this every time she went out at night, she only asked if I needed to go to the shop before she went out, which in essence was asking if I needed to go buy alcohol, this surprised me more than anything. How could I think of drinking this night, there was no way, once more though this is how far I had fallen, this had become then norm, she knew it and had seen many times, but I hadn’t seen it.
Gareth was also bringing with him Alex, who I knew, I knew his family had suffered through alcoholism in the past, so I watched anxiously at the window for them to arrive, shaking.
Victoria asked how I was, I said I was scared, to which she asked why, I knew them both, there was no need to fear them.
But it wasn’t them, I was afraid of myself, afraid of truth of who I was would be coming out tonight, that’s what I feared, myself above all.
They arrived and at first I felt okay, Gareth stated that he hadn’t come to preach, but to talk to me to find out what I needed to turn things around, this made me feel a little more comfortable, for a while anyway.
He than asked what had been happening, that’s when it got hard. I tried to explain how things had gone over the previous two and half years, but it’s hard to speak between all the tears that were falling.
I don’t think I have ever cried as much as I did that night, I was a real mess. I could hardly get a statement out with crying at some point.
Each time I broken down I could seen the pain reflected in Gareth’s face, it was hard going for us all, but I was trying to tell the full truth, but in all honesty I didn’t know the truth myself. I tried to say how much I had been drinking, I told him what I believed was the truth, only over the coming weeks I realised it far worse than I knew.
They were with me for over an hour and half, I spent at least half of that time tears. But after that I felt a sense of peace had come over myself. I knew the start of the healing process had begun, I could feel that.
From that night I never drank in the house again, I didn’t stop drinking over night, but I started to gain control over it.
I didn’t know at the time where that strength had come from, but it started that night, it started really after I pressed the button to make that call.
TOMORROW by SIXX A.M.
Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
‘Cause nothing’s gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They’re gone in the blink of an eye
Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can’t hide the scars
Just look at yourself ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you know
Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.
And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You’re running out of places to hide
‘Cause everybody’s got a reason
To justify how they’re feelin’
Maybe you should open your eyes
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, ’cause there’s nowhere to go
And you’ll know
Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.
Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing’s gonna stand in your way…
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Tomorrow
You’re gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You’ll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow…
And everything you do, it’s coming back for you
You’ll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.
