Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
I never managed to get out for a walk this morning, I missed the sunrise, that was because at 4am I was sharing messages with a friend that is struggling. What does it matter if I miss one sunrise, if it helps someone to see a lifetime of sunrises of their own.
IN YOUR NAME by PARACHUTE BAND Honored be Your name The king among be praised Honored of Yourwords Your promise remains When in a place of doubt Your song of faith I shall Honored of your words Your promise remains In Your name There is healing In Your name We are free In Your name Our deliverer reigns Oh, the kingdom of God Your promise remains
Honored be Yourname The king among be praised Honored of Your words Your promise remains In Your name There is healing In Your name We are free In Your name Our deliverer reigns Oh, the kingdom of God Your promise remains Your promise remains Your promise remains Your promise remains Your promise remains
You make all things You make all things You make all things new You make all things You make all things You make all things new You make all things You make all things You make all things new You make all things You make all things You make all things new
In Your name There is healing In Your name We are free In Your name Our deliverer reigns Oh, the kingdom of God
In Your name There is healing In Your name We are free In Your name Our deliverer reigns Oh, the kingdom of God Your promise remains Your promise remains Your promise remains Your promise remains Your promise remains
He has certainly turned my darkness to light and given me strength to climb the walls that stand before me. I know I will have many more walls to climb, some great, some small, but I know I will never climb them alone.
IN AWE OF YOU by JESUS CULTURE What do you do when you’re lost for words? They all fall short, so I just stand in awe Stand in awe of you
Melodies come and go You remain, so I stand in awe Stand in awe of you
You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, you love me You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, I love you
What do you do when God forgives And gives his life so you can live in awe? We live in awe of you
Melodies come and go You remain, so I stand in awe Stand in awe of you
You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, you love me You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, I love you
You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, you love me You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, I love you
Holy, holy, we lift up holy hands All for your praise, your honor and glory Holy, holy, we lift up holy hands All for your praise, your honor and glory
Holy, holy, we lift up holy hands All for your praise, your honor and glory Holy, holy, we lift up holy hands All for your praise, your honor and glory
You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, you love me You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, I love you
You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, you love me You reign forever and hold me together And come whatever, I love you
I’ll sing forever, I’ll sing forever I’ll sing forever, I love you
So far here in the UK the spring hasn’t been that great, thankfully as we have reached the May Bank Holiday, the spring seems to have finally arrived, which made for a pleasant walk to work this morning.
Tree Lined
Crossing The Sun
Pathway
Reflective
Morning Swim
Alone
Single Track
Beyond
FIVE CANDLES (YOU WERE THERE) by JARS OF CLAY A promise or a dare I would jump if I knew you’d catch me Staring over the edge I can’t tell if you’ll be here for me
I close my eyes and make a wish Turn out the lights and take a breath Pray that when the wick is burned You would say that it’s all about love
You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
You were never here
I remember you said Love was more than your good intentions Empty boxes on the floor Things I never asked you for I pray that when the wick is burned You would say that it’s all about love
You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open
I can’t see the promise of Excuses you fall upon I pray to God not holding on To things you’ve left undone
You were there when I You were there when I You were there when I needed you
It’s safe to say there have been times when I couldn’t really deal with my kids, times when I was drinking that I was happy to have them around and times when I was drinking because I couldn’t deal with being around them. I guess it depended what mood I was drinking in, the happy mood just embracing the habit or the mood where I was mad with the world and drinking to escape everything and everyone, drinking to ease that anger.
These days though, it’s rare that I can’t deal with my kids, they are typical kids, they can mess up and they can be unbearable, the throw paddies (I used to) and they get a monk on every now and then (monk on: our Newark work for being mardy or being in a mood), but I can deal with it now, not run away or lose my rag or walk around the house mutter and scratching at my arms, not any more.
Last night though I had a great conversation with both of them, which certainly put a big smile on my face. My daughter Eve came home and said she had asked her mum if she could get Baptised at our next Baptism service, she’s only eight, but she had watched the Baptisms at Church earlier in the day and decided she wanted to do that too.
She told me that Jesus had been Baptised and as she wanted to be like Jesus, then she wanted to be Baptised too. She was already planning her testimony speech for the service. She was deadly serious, plus even though Ben isn’t as into going to Church as Eve, he showed an interest too, so you never know.
Then I mentioned my Baptism, neither my kids or Victoria were present at my Baptism, they were at their Cousin’s birthday party and seeing as I hadn’t planned to be Baptised, it was one of those on the day callings, they weren’t really missing it, but what I hadn’t realised is that I had never discussed this with them and they weren’t actually aware of the fact I had been Baptised.
So we had a great conversation about being Baptised, what it meant to me on the day and that feeling of being called by God, we also had a laugh at the fact I didn’t have a change of clothes (no planning) but although I had been found a set of clothes, I didn’t have a change of underwear, so the water eventually soaked through into the trousers and it looked very much like I had wet myself, but at the moment, on that day, nothing was going to steel the elation from me, what’s a little water after all!
I can’t wait to see my kids Baptised, that day the will make me smile, the biggest smile ever.
CHILDREN OF GOD by THIRD DAY Praise to the Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ Our God and our King, to Him we will sing In His great mercy, He has given us life Now we can be called the children of God
Great is the Love that the Father has given us He has delivered us He has delivered us
Children of God, sing your song and rejoice For the love that He has given us all Children of God, by the blood of His Son We have been redeemed and we can be called Children of God Children of God
A mystery is revealed to the universe The Father above has proven His love Now we are free from the judgment that we deserve And so we are called the children of God
Great is the Love that the Father has given us He has delivered us He has delivered us
Children of God, sing your song and rejoice For the love that He has given us all Children of God, by the blood of His Son We have been redeemed and we can be called Children of God Children of God
We are the saints We are the children We’ve been redeemed We’ve been forgiven We are the sons and the daughters of our God
Despite the thin layer of frost that covered the ground this morning, the sun was shining brightly, the view of sun on the frosty lake were once again worth taking a few minutes out of my day to see.
Reflective Blue
Highlighted
Fishing In The Frost
Ripples In Reflection
Swimming In Reflection
The setting sun beyond the clouds on the journey home was worth seeing too.
Setting Beyond
Burning Bright
Behind The Clouds
DRIVE by ED KOWALCZK Headed out into my desert all alone and thirsty for something more than the whiskey that had become my water Would you mind if I put this on your shoulder?
I need something more
Here I am, standing inside your love like a child. Falling asleep at the wheel of my life and letting you drive. I’m letting you drive.
Oooh…
Headed out into my dark night, like a soldier surrounded in the losing fight. Probability of a victory’s over. Would you mind if I put this on your shoulder?
I need something more
Here I am, standing inside your love like a child. Falling asleep at the wheel of my life and letting you drive. I’m letting you drive.
Oooh….
You’re the only one, You’re the only one who can save me.
I need something more
Here I am, standing inside your love like a child. Falling asleep at the wheel of my life and letting you drive. I’m letting you drive.
Here I am, right where I belong. On the shoulder, hanging off the keys, close my eyes and letting you drive I’m letting you drive.
It’s been a crazy morning at work, at least the sun rise over the lake was worth taking time out for.
Morning Line
On Glass
Reaching
In Reflection
RUN TO YOU by THIRD DAY & LACEY STURM I was tired of waiting Playing all the games and Living in a place that was not for me So I thought it was time For me to get what’s mine And to do it all, everything I dreamed What I thought was the best of me turned to be All the worst I could find
If I run to you Will you hold me in your arms forevermore If I run to you Will you hold me in your arms forevermore
Now I got a feeling That I’ve got to leave and Find a way back to where I came from Though I don’t deserve it I know it’s unheard but Living here without you, my life is done I confess that I shouldn’t have run from you Now I know I was wrong
Nowhere to run to And no one to turn to I’m dying out here on my own Long before I even thought of returning Your arms are wide open Waiting for me to come home
I wrote a post in response to a Daily Post, way back in January last year using the above phrase, ever since this New Year just gone I have had thoughts about revisiting this post and the quote, to see where I was along my journey in relation to the idea which I wrote about.
It wasn’t until last night’s Connect Group, that I really entertained the idea of writing a follow up to the previous post. The premise of the quote came up in our meeting and I discussed my previous quote and some of the reasons why I add a second part to a quote which is know the world over.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS
This is true for us all, we are still growing, still evolving, but we will never be complete, we will always be a work in progress. Just like the clay in the potters hand, we are always being moulded into something He is happy with. When He find the imperfection, He will rework it, what is spoiled He will rebuild.
“Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of theLordcame to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares theLord. Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel. Jeremiah 18:2-6
I know I have so much to learn and indeed relearn, I have so much to put right and to get right, I may never get it all right, I may keep making the same mistakes over and over again, I’m human, that what humans do, we aren’t perfect, we fail all the time.
When I started this Sober journey, I had so much to learn and as I say relearn, I had to make small changes to my life, day by day, just a little bit, remove a little bit of imperfect clay here and there, remould the odd bit every now and again, than also add pieces of clay here and there.
There were times I felt I was progressing nicely and times when I felt progress was slow. It true I can always say I am a work in progress, it’s a great quote we are all a work in progress.
THE EXCUSE
The problem is we can hide behind this quote, it can become the worlds biggest excuse, one instead of using as a genuine reason, we use to cover up the fact we aren’t even trying.
When things are half done, half built, it’s true we can call them a work in progress, that’s what they are. But when left and untouched, when actually the work has just stopped, it not really progressing, because nothing is happening, we still call it a work in progress, but why? There is no work going on and therefore no progress.
I know I’ve used this quote as an excuse, too many times, without justification, I’ve just not been working, I was standing still expecting everything to change around me.
We can stare at the lump of clay all day, but it won’t change, not unless we put our hands to the wheel, get dirty and start working it!
I know last November I had to stop working, my progress all stopped, instead I slipped back in some ways. I can’t really put my finger on one single reason, there were a multitude of reasons.
Had I really stopped working before everything collapsed, I don’t think so, I believe I was working hard, but not actually in the right way. Sometime we can make hard work for ourselves, or try to carry to much, we overload ourselves until we start to drop everything, then it all hits the floor and smashes into one big mess.
Distractions also come into the equation, keep your eye on the clay you are working, a distraction takes your focus off your hands and the work before you.
Complacency can also come into effect, we just get to familiar, we just keep doing the same old things, never actually working to improve anything, just doing our everyday thing, taking the easy way, one involving minimum effort.
Back in November I made everything so much harder to carry, I added weight to everything, until I couldn’t carry them any more, I was struggling under the weight of everything, until I could go on no more, I fell and everything dropped to the floor.
I had to stop working, I couldn’t move forward any more, I had to rest. Progress had to stop while I rested for a while, brushed myself off and tidied up everything that had fallen, reorganising them all into something I could carry again when it was time to stand up and start progressing once more.
I don’t think it’s wrong to stop and rest every now and again, I feel we have to, sometimes it’s a necessity. Tiredness is also a recipe for disaster, it can destroy so much of what we have already built.
I know I have drifted a little in the last couple of months, I feel I was ready to start progressing again some time ago, I should have started working again to make progress. So now I know it’s time to start working once more, to pick up the pot again and start working it, start progressing it, to remould it.
It’s true I am a work in progress, but I’m determined not to hide behind it anymore, not to use it as an excuse, it’s impossible to progress without work, simply put….
I HAVE TO WORK IN ORDER TO PROGRESS
I’ve been carried enough, there has been one set of footsteps in the sand for far too long, it’s time to set my feet down upon the sand and start walking alongside God once again.
BROKEN BONES by REV THEORY
Walking a fine line between wrong and right
And I know…
There is a part of me that I try to hide
But I can’t win
And I can’t fight
I keep holding on too tight Running away from the world outside
Now I am calling Hoping you’ll hear me We all need somebody To believe in something And I won’t fear this When I am falling We all need somebody That can mend… These broken bones
Caught in the confines of the simple life And I am… Holding my head high in the rising tide And I can’t win And I can’t fight I keep holding on too tight Running away from the world outside
Now I am calling Hoping you’ll hear me We all need somebody To believe in something And I won’t fear this When I am falling We all need somebody That can mend… These broken bones
But Oh Yeah
I’m not coming home now I know… I’m so far away So far from home I’m not coming home now I know… I’m so far away I’m so far away
And I can’t win And I can’t fight I keep holding on too tight
Now I am calling Hoping you’ll hear me We all need somebody To believe in something And I won’t fear this When I am falling We all need somebody That can mend… These broken bones
And I can’t win And I can’t fight I keep holding on too tight Running away from the world outside
And I can’t win And I can’t fight I keep holding on too tight Running away from the world outside
Nothing I face now is as bad as where I was two years ago, therefore I trust in God so I can face it without be afraid.
WHEN YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM by BRYAN & KATIE TORWALT When You walk into the room, everything changes Darkness starts to tremble at the light that you bring When You walk into the room, every heart starts burning And nothing matters more than just to sit here at Your feet and worship You
We Love You, and we’ll never stop We can’t live without You, Jesus We Love You, We can’t get enough All this is for You, Jesus
When You walk into the room, sickness starts to vanish Every hopeless situation, ceases to exist When You walk into the room, The dead begin to rise Cause there is resurrection life in all You do Come and consume God, all we are We give You permission, our hearts are Yours We want You, We want You
Yesterday evening I managed to catch the sunset as I left work, it was a busy day as usual, but a good end to a good day.
The Burning Beyond The Dark
Behind The Horizon
Fading Eye
The evening seemed to be going fine, until the consequences of my past caught up with me again, at that point my spirit dropped considerably.
Then as I prepared my post “Verse of the Day – Jeremiah 29:12-12”, I came to my senses, regardless of what is happening to me now, I am not that person, when I typed the words “God listened and answered me, 99 weeks sober this evening”, the downsides of my past faded away and the feeling of joy and thankfulness returned.
So this morning I witnessed the sunrise again, it was a timely reminder:
The sun may set, but it always rises again!
Between The Trees
Upon The Waters
Rising Eye
GET UP by CIRCLESLIDE What if I told you I wasn’t ready for this life What if I told you this wasn’t what I had in mind What if this mountain’s just too high
Get up get up brush off the dust from your soul Get up get up the past is beyond your control Get up get up don’t ever give up on love
What if I told you my whole world broke down last night What if showed you my surprising ugly side What if I’ve fallen out of line
What if I told you there was time when I believed What if I told you I’m exploding with doubt I’m infected with weakness I’m breaking the silence crying out, crying out
Get up get up brush off the dust from your soul Get up get up the past is beyond your control Get up get up don’t ever give up on love
Let’s just say in my 40 years I’ve had some great days, some really special days like the birth of my two kids and meeting Victoria, then memorable days like the passing of my black belt, winning the National Championships twice, competing at the world Championships in Australia, these were all great days that will be treasured forever, certainly a lot better than today anyway, this has it’s fair to say been my worst Christmas Day ever, without fail, but that’s another story.
But as for being able to enjoy the best day ever, well I’ve believe I’ve already had that, all of the above where indeed unbelievable days, but the day of Sunday 8th July 2012, will never be beaten for me, it was just perfect, that day I can honestly say that God spoke directly to me and for the first time I heard Him loud and clear.
Sunday 8thJuly 2012
It was just your normal Sunday morning, but there were a series of odd things that were to happen on this day, as I got ready for Church, I looked out of the window to check the weather, well it was overcast, it looked like it could rain, I had just my jeans and a t-shirt on, so I checked the weather on my phone, overcast and a chance of rain, so do I take a coat?
As I walked through the kitchen towards the back door an odd thought came into my head, “I not taking a coat, I don’t mind if I get wet today!” Okay, so no coat, it wasn’t that cold, but a bit of an odd thought, but that’s it no coat, let’s go then.
I walked to Church in my usual, slightly odd looking power walk, well okay freaky looking, walked into Church, hugged a few people on the way, hang on a second, did I just say hugged a few people, yes, yes I did, but that’s not usually me, I surprise those I hug, just as much as it surprises me, this day is getting stranger, but it’s about to get even weirder.
I take my seat, at the back left corner as usual, if you walk into our Church, you will find me quite easily. Today wasn’t a normal service, it was Baptism Sunday, this had been announced some weeks earlier, I had thought about it, but as I had only been in Church three months and still felt like I had a lot to learn, feeling that I wasn’t ready yet for that step, I had decided to put it off until later in the year, when I had more time to prepare. The service starts with Worship as usual, three lively songs, then Gareth our Pastor takes the stage, he announces it’s Baptism Sunday, but then makes a statement he says he has never made before, at this point everything changes, the weird, just gets weirder!
Gareth challenges everyone, that in this Church today someone will make the decision to get Baptised today, an on the spot decision, it had never happened before, but Gareth had a belief that something amazing was going to happen today in the presence of God.
Now at that point everything changed, I froze, I literally froze, I couldn’t breathe, my lungs, my heart, my chest had just frozen, everything felt cold, the air was gone for that moment, then it went. I knew then that He was talking to me, not Gareth, he just mouthed the words, God was talking to me, he was calling me out, he was telling me it was my time to stand up and be counted. Gareth proceeded to say that they would find a change of clothes and a towel, he didn’t know where from, but they would provide somehow.
I stood frozen to the spot as Gareth left the stage, we sang one more song and then a break for a short time to meet and great friends, I stood there absolutely still, oblivious to anything going on around me, having a conversation with myself in my own head. “He’s talking to you, God is talking to you, what are you going to do about it?” “Are you doing this or what?” There was only one answer, “YES”. I looked around the hall, spotted Gareth and set off, ignoring every face I passed, I was on a mission, I interrupted Gareth, he turned and I just asked “Okay, where do I get a spare set of clothes?” He realised what I was saying and it was all agreed, too late to back out now, in for a penny in for a pound. I went back to take my seat, I had a grin bigger than a Cheshire Cat, I couldn’t believe what I had just done, I’m never that impulsive, I don’t work that way, but things were happening here that at the time I couldn’t understand, but I was going with it.
Part of the Baptism service is that, each of those who have made a decision to be Baptised, prepare a statement of how they came to God and tell their story on stage, so Gareth called out the three people who had made the decision some weeks earlier and were prepared, I don’t think I was supposed to go up there, I hadn’t prepared anything, I was still reeling from what had already happened, but again impulse took over, I stood up, marched to the stage, took Gareth completely by surprise and joined the other three, I was literally lifted from my seat to that stage, my normal self would never have done this, but today was quite obviously, no normal day.
Speaking on stage, in front of a couple of hundred people, is not easy, the three before me had written statements that they were reading, but they were struggling with nerves, they were quiet, losing their track, even unable to read their own writing, as each one got more nervous than the previous one, I stood waiting my turn. I am out of my bubble here, this is not me, I don’t act impulsively, I don’t push myself to the front in places I’m not comfortable, but it wasn’t like that today, I wanted that mic, I wanted to speak, not sure what, but I had something to say.
I took the mic, looked out to the crowd, not down, not avoiding the gaze of the crowd, I was looking them in the eye, I told them how my life had collapsed, I told them I had been an alcoholic for the past 3 years, I told them how I made the hardest phone call of my life back in March when everything had felt lost, how I had met Gareth and Alex, telling them just about everything.
I had prepared some words to send to Gareth in text when the moment was right, but the moment was now, these words just came out
“That night I took from them an hour and half of their lives, in return they gave me the keys to the rest of my life and the strength and courage to unlock the door and go through it, to a better life”.
I say these words with strength and passion, the response from the audience is fantastic. I proceed to tell them when I quit drinking and how things were getting so much better, then passed the mic back to Gareth, then it’s back to my seat and relief.
The response from everyone I meet as I go back to my seat is unbelievable, I don’t think at this point they know I wasn’t supposed to be there, they had no idea that I had answered the call.
The word is next and then the Baptism at the end of the service, we are called up, I remove my shoes, socks and the contents of my pockets, ready to enter the Baptism Pool, firstly the three who were supposed to be there, then me, then another man who had made the decision after I did.
It’s my turn, I climb the steps, then just jump in, no dignified climb down into the cold water, like everybody else, not for me I can’t wait, I just jump in and take Joss and Alex, who are carrying out the Baptisms today, totally by surprise, then I’m in position, I relax, then I’m under, it’s a total rush, a moment I can’t easily describe, if you’ve been there you will understand. I was soaked, I had no spare clothes, but who cares, it’s was alongside the birth of my two children, the most glorious day of my life.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur, I know I just couldn’t stop laughing to myself, I was in amazement at the things I had done throughout the day, things I would not normally do. I had made my mind up, I wasn’t ready, but that didn’t matter, it wasn’t a case of I didn’t think I was ready because the Lord did!
I think I was called because of the faith I had shown the previous day, that was my test, that was a test of faith, I had hopes and dreams, I had failed, but my response was, I trust you, I will follow your plan.
I wasn’t to worry about getting wet that morning, he would provide, I would be getting the greatest soaking of my life, what was a little rain compared to that! He did provide, I hadclothes brought to me, I don’t know where they came from, but they appeared.
There will be great days to come, the day I dream of, the day I hope and pray for, if that comes to fruition it will be another day to remember and treasure forever, but Sunday 8th July 2012 is the day when I came alive, for that I will be forever thankful.
ALIVE by KIM WALKER-SMITH You breathe Your life into my lungs You bring to life these dry bones I know that You’re alive
You called me one of Your own In my heart You’ve made Your home I know that You’re alive I’m coming alive
You called me one of Your own In my heart You’ve made Your home I know that You’re alive I’m coming alive I’m coming alive I’m coming alive
We will make Him known Jesus is alive He’s alive We will shout it out Jesus is alive He’s alive
To all the dry and weary souls Take joy, take heart Be filled with hope I know that He’s alive
To all the ones who have no home Get up and run we’re going home I know that He’s alive I’m coming alive I’m coming alive I’m coming alive
We will make Him known Jesus is alive He’s alive We will shout it out Jesus is alive He’s alive
It may get loud The grave is empty now It may get wild His love is like no other
We will make Him known Jesus is alive He’s alive We will shout it out Jesus is alive He’s alive
The Bottom of a Bottle 