Category Archives: Sobriety

My drinking to my downfall and the rebuilding process.

True Realisation

The 13th March 2012 may seem so long ago now, seven years have passed by, yet the memories of that night still seem so fresh. That was a day when I really found out who I had become, only by truly realising the true loss of my actions over the past two years did I come to terms with the truth that I had a problem, a big one, one I could no longer hide from.

People I knew had relationships ending and I came to realise that my own with Victoria was virtually dead and I didn’t want that anymore. Over the last couple of years where I had been without regular work and income, I had disappeared into this bubble of my own, I removed myself from the family around me and fell into a bottle. I didn’t mean any of that, it just went that way and the deeper I fell, the more distant I got, I was sleeping on the settee and not really embracing any of what I had.

In my mind I told myself if I could just get a job, full time income, money coming in again, then all would be okay and all would fall back into place, as though nothing had ever happened, myself and Victoria could get back on track, actively loving each other.

Now I had a job, I had had one for over four months, yet nothing had really changed, except I got deeper into my pit. The income didn’t solve any problems, it made them worse, now I had more money, so more money to spend on drink and this I did.

But as I watched others break up, I knew I had to do something, so I spoke to Victoria about where we were, I had been putting this off, deep down I think I knew it was over, yet didn’t want to hear or admit it. But it was too late, that night we were over. We would carry on living in the same house, but as a relationship or partnership, there was no going back, she said it was over.

I remember breaking down into tears and just falling to the floor, I pleaded, but it was in vain, I had lost everything, my true love was gone, I had let this happen and I had no control, the alcohol was my master.

After our talk, all I wanted to do is drink, I couldn’t wait to get out the house to the shop at the top of the road, to get a couple of bottles of wine and drink them. I tried to fight it, but couldn’t, as I walked to the door I was in tears, all I could say to Victoria was I’m sorry, but I can’t stop it anymore, I couldn’t fight this addiction, it was killing me and all I loved, but I couldn’t stop it.

I went to the shop, brought the wine and drank it. Each night as that week went on, I repeated the same, crying, apologising as I went out to the shop for more wine. I had no appetite for food, for three days I practically never ate, just drank, whatever I could get my hands on.

I asked Victoria if I could speak with her Pastor, I told her I needed help, but in reality I was lying, I was convinced if I spoke with him, tell him who I felt and how much I actually loved Victoria, he would put things right between us, she listened to him and respected him, this was the way forward.

But as the weekend came, things were changing, I needed that meeting with Gareth more and more, it was no longer about any possible partnership, now it was our my survival, I was falling further and further, I was ready to let go.

I needed help!

DEAD MAN (CARRY ME) by JARS OF CLAY
January One
I got a lot of things on my mind 
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite 
I try to lift a finger but I don’t think I can make a call 
So tell me if I move ’cause I don’t feel anything at all 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral 
But it’s better than a party full of people I don’t really know 
Well, they’ve got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth 
There’s something in my veins but I can’t seem to make it work 
Won’t work 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Can you find a beat? 
Inside of me? 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Inside of me 
In front of me 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Fallen Bottles

Fallen Bottles

You can take the bottle from a man
But can you take the man from the bottle
Tortured both day and night
When the dreams come
It hard to tell what’s wrong or right
It’s like this divided soul
Is tortured by the night

All the guilt comes to the surface
From a gentle slumber it starts to rise
But the bottle fell and I hold it no more
Why now rise in dreams of the night
It’s happened before but long ago
When the bottles fall was so new
Yet now their back to torture me
Will this divided soul
Ever get away

As Christmas comes I hide at home
While all go out to celebrate
I hide into the coming night
Yet the screens I see show me the bottle
Across the media it signals to the mind
And I turn away and hide
Trying to clear this commercialised mind
And not get washed away

So here I cry out asking why
Why this all rises once again
Oh my Lord You took away the bottle
Together we watched it fall
It’s hold was broken and I was free
To live and breath
But now I’m suffocating
By the visions of the night
And this commercial world

Oh my Lord
Set me free
Let me out
The prison walls are closing in
Break them down
Let me see the broken bottles
That I witnessed when they fell
And feel
Free once again

The Dream – Genesis 40:5-8

The Dream – Genesis 40:5-8

Last night I dreamt I drank again
Stole the wine and hid it away
In solitude I drank three jars
And hid the empty vessels again
I lied to those around me
Denied I had stole or drank the wine
As the disgrace and guilt arose
But was this all just a dream
I couldn’t tell as I awoke
Through the day I felt so guilty
Dream or coming reality I couldn’t tell
Lord tell me it’s all a dream
None of this will come to pass
All this belongs to the old me
Not the one who rose again
These dreams darken my being
Makes the guilt stronger than my hope
Lord tell me none of this vision
Will ever awaken again

Genesis 40:5-8

Genesis 40:5-8

From The Bottle – Ephesians 5:15-20

From The Bottle – Ephesians 5:15-20

Darker days
I drank my life away
Let the bottle
The wine sustain me
Let it break me
Life became full of darkness
And I shrunk from all who loved me
His grace and love set me free
His mercy released the bottles hold
And now I sing to His name
A praise from all He has done
I give thanks to my Lord
For all His love and grace
And forever praise His mighty name

Ephesians 5:15-20

Ephesians 5:15-20

Pills?

Pills?

Please don’t take another pill
You’ve sucked it down
How do you feel?
Has it lifted you from there?
Or dragged you down
Down deeper far
Is this the answer?
Is this the way?
The artificial
Will it save the day?
Will it release the pain?
You hold deep down
The pain that erodes the hope inside
A pill won’t help
It just delays it all
Tomorrow the pain will still be there
Tearing apart the fragile mind
Of a broken soul beyond the world
I speak of this
I’ve took the bottle
It never helped
Just numbed it all
But it returns when it all wore off
And I took it again to try and hide it all
A bleeding heart in the dead of night
Lost his way
Dying inside
Until a day I could face no more
And as I stared to death beyond
His voice came through above the chaos
To shine a light upon the pain inside
From that day I sought Him more
The bottles, the pills had no hold
I put them down and sought His love
To find a way out of this pain
Through open doors I found the light
And I walk free once more
So is this pill the answer for you?
Or can you hear Him calling you
To rise from just where you are
He loves you as He loves me
He cries for you in heaven above
He waits for you
My friend I pray
Embrace His love

The Song

The Song

Have we not heard the chimes at midnight
Or this the siren song that calls us to the rocks
Another bottle whispers it’s welcome
Beckoning us to dive in
Yet we have been set free
From the pull of this addiction
He came and conquered all before
Setting silent the song that called us
To trust in Him is the only future
So listen only to heaven’s song
It’s a freedom that is unending
If we only listen to heaven’s song

The Moment – Psalm 77:13-14

The Moment – Psalm 77:13-14

I never believed in miracles
Only what I saw before me
A bottle without hope
Empty bubbles to a soulless heart
Further spiralling to the end
Lost the way on my own
Until the moment came
And from my hand death’s bottle fell
He brought the miracle
To my hand, my soul, my heart
Our great God
There is no other
No one else could do this
Only the God I now embrace
Now I see the miracle
Every day that I rise
It’s the God within me

Psalm 77:13-14

Psalm 77:13-14