I am sure I am not alone, in knowing that I have secrets that I keep, deep secrets, secrets I keep through fear of being seen as, well I guess sinful, that was best word I could come up with really.
Some secrets are minor, not enough to really worry about, happily buried in the fog that clouds my mind sometimes, hidden away, but if they do come to the forefront of my memories, they will do little damage to my sanity or my standing in the eyes of others, should they ever come out.
But there are others, others that as much I as I want to be free of them, they haunt me still, I can’t let them out, I am afraid of how others will view me in the light of these fresh revelations.
It hurts to hold onto them, I know that now, these secrets are like hot coals held in the palm of my hand, I can’t let go of them, I hold on tighter, I can’t juggle with them for fear of looking stupid and I can’t just throw them away either for fear of them being found. I just hold on tightly to them, but they burn, they burn the palm of my hand, the pain gets harder to deal with, but I keep holding, I’ve held on so long now my hand and the coal have become one, they have fused together, now almost impossible to separate.
But shouldn’t I have learnt my lesson here, I held on to the secret of my drinking, I kept that a secret from everyone, including myself, until it almost destroyed me. I know the freedom that was gained by admitting my failure to the world, the out pouring of support was utterly overwhelming, nobody I have told has judged me, only helped and encouraged me, the scars on my hands from holding onto that coal are almost healed now, just faint lines are all that is left.
But why do we keep holding on to others, after all only one can judge me, only one truly knows my heart and the secrets within it, but he, our Lord, looked beyond my failures and gave me the strength to start the rebuilding of my life, he saw something within these Broken Buildings, something beyond the dark secrets of my past.
Moments of regret used to be
The thoughts that often times consumed me
As shadows hid the eyes that said it all
It’s left me here in broken buildings
(Broken Buildings by Seventh Day Slumber)
I know that I have to let go of the hot coals I am holding, in time I will, this Blog has given me a freedom I’ve never known before, to write down everything, my fears, my hopes, my failures and my victories, so I am sure that one day I will just sit down, write down my greatest secret and with great reluctance click the publish button and share it with the world.