Oh My Lord – 1 Samuel 14:36-42

Oh My Lord – 1 Samuel 14:36-42

If I should ever
Turn away and run
Commit a sin
Against Your heart
As I forsake
The word of Your spirit
Oh my Lord
Never let me go
Never leave me in silence
Or hand this soul
To my enemies
Stay with me
Protect me
Ever be with me
Wherever I go
Whatever I do

1 Samuel 14:36-42

1 Samuel 14:36-42

Turning Point

Having finally admitted that the consequences of my drinking and actions had put a wedge between myself a Victoria, causing a crack that could no longer fix fixed, I was a mess.

After the talk we had on Tuesday night, I lost my appetite for everything, except for drinking, I didn’t eat a meal until Friday evening, I tried to eat as the days passed, but my appetite was gone and all I wanted was to drink, the spiral was getting tighter and tighter.

Come the weekend it got worse, Saturday evening after karate I went to the pub with a couple of friends, I forced them to stay long enough to get five pints of strong cider in, then on the way home I picked up a couple of bottles of wine, went home and drank them both. I was now so far in that I could drink all this and still go to bed feeling like I was sober. There was no hangover come the morning, I guess I was in a permanent state of fuzziness, that hangovers just didn’t happen anymore.

Sunday morning was Mother’s Day, come mid morning I realised the kids hadn’t got anything for their Mum, no present or card, I should really say that I hadn’t got them anything to give, that I suppose is my responsibility, but I was in such a state I had completely forgotten.

This realisation of how far removed from this world I was in hit hard. I went upstairs to run a bath, then I just there looking at myself in the mirror, I began telling myself how useless I was, in my mind all these statements came rolling through, telling myself how they were all better off without me, I was draining them, holding them back, I was a waste.

I came to the conclusion that they would be better off if I was dead, I picked a penknife, opened the blade and held it against my wrist. These thoughts kept running through my mind of how they would be better off without me. My plan now was to get in the bath, cut my wrists and simply wait to day, that was it, it was all over.

Then it happened, I heard a voice, His voice.

Out of nowhere in my head, I heard a voice say “it’s better that your kids live with you as you are now, than live with the memory of what they will find”.

As I heard it, I looked to the bath and there I saw an image of myself laying there pale as anything, dead in a bath full of blood, then I looked to the bathroom door and saw the face of my daughter, just six years old, in shock at the sight of what she had just seen.

I put the knife down and simply broke down. I was so angry, angry with myself, I felt like I was in this state of nothingness, having neither the courage to live or the courage to die, I was in a void, I was lost.

Somehow I cleaned myself up and made it to karate, put on a brave face so no one there could tell there was anything wrong in my life, I carried on like it was just another normal day. Then followed the same routine as Saturday night, five pints, pick up two bottles of wine, only this time I did’t quite finish the second bottle.

I think that evening I knew things were going to change, I had made it to the edge and just clung on for while longer, but hope was on the horizon, Victoria had given me Gareth, her Pastor’s mobile number, now I just had to have the courage to call it.

It’s hard now to think about the importance of those words that I heard. For the previous couple of years I had literally stolen from my kids, their birthday and Christmas money was usually put away in the cupboard, but before they could spend it, I had taken it to buy alcohol with, this is low I had become, stealing from my kids.

And now a voice I had never heard before says they need me.

This wasn’t the first time this scenario had played out, but this was the first time I had probably seriously consider ending my own life, this was definitely the lowest moment of my life.

Things could only get better and come the morning things were going to change.

Can you hear my voice
Where you are?
When I’m without you
Every moment falls apart
I’m a burned out light in the dark
In my empty shell I am calling out

I’ve lost my faith,
Lost my way
It’s all so far away

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Pull me closer to you
I can’t escape this
Emptiness I fell into
Caught in a shadow
I can’t see through
I’m nothing without you

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out

Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Lost my faith
Lost my way
I need to feel you here again
Just save me

From what I’ve become
Look what I’ve become

I bleed for you
I bleed for you 
I bleed for you

What have I become?
Just save me
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
Now I’m screaming out
Save me from myself 

What have I become?
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Sing – Psalm 104:33-34

Sing – Psalm 104:33-34

When the world gets hard
When life turns confusing
Sing out loud
When all hope is drained
Sing from the heart
When you have nothing left
Sing with all you have

Sing a song of praise
Sing a song of thanks

In times good or bad
Sin the song upon your heart
For the Lord is ever listening
He knows the feelings of your soul
And He will deliver
That He promises so
And if tonight has become so dark
If the shadows creep so close
Sing out loud
Sing out to the Lord

Psalm 104:33-34

Psalm 104:33-34

For All The Battles – Joshua 10:8

For All The Battles – Joshua 10:8

For all the battles
That lay ahead
For all the foes
That stand in the way
Commit yourself to the Lord
He who goes before
Commit your heart to His way
He who delivers You

Joshua 10:8

Joshua 10:8

If I Speak A Word – Psalm 19:14

If I Speak A Word – Psalm 19:14

If I speak a word
Let it be filed
With Your truth

If I say a prayer
Let it be wrapped
In the interest of Your heart

If I set my steps
Let them be upon a path
Laid before me by Your hands

And If I sleep tonight
Let it be within Your arms
O Lord my rock and my redeemer

Psalm 19:14

Psalm 19:14

And Now I’m Not Alone – 1 Chronicles 16:34

And Now I’m Not Alone – 1 Chronicles 16:34

And now I’m not alone
Not fighting all this dark
The shadows
The loneliness
Not without a friend
A Saviour
A Father
For my Lord is good
I Have His eternal love
For all my days
And beyond
So now I’m not alone
Not I have the Lord
For that I’m ever thankful

1 Chronicles 16:34

1 Chronicles 16:34

Look Up, Look Up – 2 Peter 1:19

Look Up, Look Up – 2 Peter 1:19

Where the shadows creep
Upon the crying heart
Yet slipping in the dark
Yet there is a light
For those in dark places
The Son who shines
At all who seek His light
Look up
Look up
The light will be found
A light in dark places
Until the bright morning star
Set a light in your heart

2 Peter 1:19

2 Peter 1:19