Tag Archives: Alcohol

What Do You See When I Say I’m An Alcoholic?

Over the last few weeks it’s fair to say that I’ve had a number of occasions where I’m pretty certain the people around me have no idea what an alcoholic actually is or even should look and act like. Even my own parents seem to me like they fail to see me as an alcoholic, either they can’t accept that their Son has failed in this way or they just don’t know what an alcoholic actually is!

A couple of weeks ago at work when the discussions turned to the Christmas dinner and I said I would be going straight home after the dinner itself, I was asked if I could have a drink and still be okay. Obviously I said no, I couldn’t trust that myself and know it would be okay and as it almost destroyed my life, I would not take that chance of falling back into that hole, it was a case for me that I just couldn’t take that one drink, it wasn’t worth it, for that I was called weak!

This was one of the reasons why I didn’t want to go to the dinner. Sometimes opinionated people just aren’t worth arguing with, there is no way I can really explain it, only with the experience of living out this or indeed any other addiction can you really appreciate how it is.

But what does the world see as being an alcoholic?

In this day and age we see what the media shows us, the stereotypes, the drunken bum, staggering the streets, slurring all his words and generally a bit of mess, a little bit mad.  There’s the guy that props up the bar every night, he’s lost everything already and drinks as if it’s all he has left, you know the type, whisky or brandy, no soft stuff, just hard liquor every night.

Then there’s the load mouth, getting tanked up on as many pints as possible, fighting anyone who looks at him the wrong way, he then probably goes home and beats up his wife/girlfriend or even his kids, we’ve all heard the stories and seen it on TV.

There are so many images of an alcoholic we can all see in the everyday media, but essentially we assume that an alcoholic gets out of his tree every time, he has to blackout, not remember who they are or what they did.  I admit there were a few times I can’t remember what I did or how I got home, some embarrassing times, but these were when I went out with others, this was a once a year sort of thing, not my everyday alcoholic lifestyle.

I don’t think I fit into any of these stereotypical vision of an alcoholic, that’s why I managed to hide it so well, people just didn’t know what they were looking at, they didn’t read the signs, because society tells us something different, it paints a very different picture of this addiction call alcoholism.

I know many people who “get out of their tree” more in a couple of months than I did in all my years where I would consider myself an alcoholic.  But I don’t believe they have a drinking problem, they drink maybe a little a few nights a week and then go out and party once in a while.

But that wasn’t my style, it wasn’t me, I didn’t mind a few drinks in the pub while chatting with others, but the pub crawl and night club lifestyle, well I hated it, I don’t see how people can do it each week, but many of those that do and get stinking drunk once a week, society now says have a drinking problem, they are binge drinkers and something has to be done about the problem.

But what about me, the silent drinker, the guy that prefers to do his drinking in solitude, behind closed doors, away from the public eye.  I might not have got drunk every night or even once a week, but isn’t that a bit of a problem, I got to the point that in my own home I could almost drink as much as I wanted and still not feel drunk, not pass out without remembering the night before, no I would just drink until I fell asleep, still remembering everything, as each month passed my resistance to the stuff grew and grew, how much could I drink or need to drink until I passed out.

But I am convinced that society doesn’t see this as alcoholic, it doesn’t recognise it, because they never see this side of the problem.  The silent drinker doesn’t make a fool of themselves in the pub or embarrass people at parties, they may do once in a while, but let’s face it most people whether heavy drinkers or not have done that.

These binge drinkers that party at the weekend and if you like sober up during the week, are they truly alcoholics?  I would personally say not, they don’t drink because they actually have to, because there is no other way for them, they drink for the most part of peer pressure or to fit in with the crowd, it’s a social thing, I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s the way I see it.

Why did I drink, initially because I enjoyed it, then when life began to take a turn and the stress was hard to deal with, when I found that the nights I didn’t drink I couldn’t sleep, the stress would keep me awake all night, but the nights when I drank, I would be nice and relaxed and sleep through, it became a no brainer, drink each night, problem solved.  Then a couple of drinks became four pints, then four became six, then eight, then I moved to wine, one bottle, then two, then eventually I found myself drinking five pints and two bottles of wine a night, not just one night, but most nights, a minimum would be at least five or six pints of strong lager or cider, I couldn’t drink the weak stuff, it had to be min 5% alcohol, nothing else would do.

Eventually though you get into this cycle, where what you are going to drink that night takes precedent over everything else, affording that is more important that paying bills, you work out what you need for drink that week or even that night and the rest can wait, that will get paid when it get’s paid, I must drink, I have to, I can’t survive unless I get my drink.  There were night’s when I didn’t have money to drink, Victoria had long since challenged me about my drinking, but I brushed it off, but on these night’s even she gave me money to go to the shop, she knew I would be impossible to be around unless I had something to drink, that’s how bad it was, she even called me FUN BOBBY, for all you die hard Friends fans will no doubt get the reference!

When I was home alone during the day I would watch the clock, in my head it was okay to drink at tea time, to start when my tea was ready, that was okay, wasn’t it?  Funny how the clock never seems to tick by fast enough, eventually I couldn’t take waiting, I would have a few cans in the quiet of the afternoon and dump the cans before anyone knew, it was okay as long as no one found out.

Are these the actions of the alcoholics we see in the media, I would say not, that’s probably why I never thought I had a problem, because I wasn’t like the drunks we are told are alcoholics, nothing like them at all.  But I drank because it took control, if I didn’t I would be restless, short tempered, I would rub my hands and scratch at my arms, all the while whilst pacing around the house, trying to fight it, but losing.

The night it all blew up here with Victoria and I finally realised what I was and that I no longer had any control over it, indeed I hadn’t for some time, that night I knew this was destroying me, but for a while it got worse, I wasn’t eating, only drinking, drinking everything I could get my hands on and all I could do was apologise each and every time I left the house to go to the shop, I would say I’m sorry as I walked out again, unable to control the urge, to fight the addiction.

Then I found myself desperate to die, I was ready to go, I had the knife, I had it at my wrist, I had all the reasons floating around my head, how bad I was and how everyone was better off without me, but I couldn’t do it, I should rephrase that, I wasn’t allowed to do it.  The next morning obviously I made the call to Gareth and he brought God into my life, from there my life began to change, I began to gain control over this problem, over the next ten days I slowly lowered my intake until on 29th March 2012, I took my last drink.

Since then it’s been a roller coaster, the withdrawals were hard, but they could have been worse, you can’t explain to people how they affect you, everything ached, my whole body, nothing escaped it, pain killers hardly did anything, it was a case of just ride it out.  I’m not saying I haven’t been tempted since I stopped, I have, but I know there is no going back to that, it’s not worth it.

But the problem is, how many others are suffering this disease in silence, drinking themselves into a hole in their own house, where the world doesn’t see them and doesn’t recognise their problem.  It may not be a big amount they’re drinking, but it’s the reason they are drinking that is key, I drank to remove me from my problems, which I’m sure many of the silent drinkers do also.  The people I knew where taken completely by surprise when I announced I was an alcoholic, the usual, “we knew you liked a drink, but we didn’t see you as an alcoholic”, no one saw it, because they don’t know the signs, they’ve never been shown them!

How many people will silently drink themselves into a grave, I was lucky, I got saved, I know I was heading that way, when I stopped drinking my blood pressure was sky high, I was a heart attack waiting to happen, but that may not of killed me first, I may just have succeeding in taking my own life first, that Sunday 18th March 2012, that wasn’t the first time I stood there with a blade to my wrist, far from it, but it was the last time in a probably a dozen times where I had stood there in that scenario, each time when I put the blade down I was so angry, I was so mad with myself because I neither had the courage to live or the courage to die, I was in the void, lost in the darkness.

When God came into my life my whole world began to change, everything changed, I changed, when I prayed that first time, all I asked for was strength to get through this and to sleep, that night my prayer came true, I had the best night’s sleep and not a drop of alcohol in sight, I knew then God was with me, I knew I had got it right.

The Lord gives strength to his people;
The Lord blesses his people with peace.
Psalm 29:11

I see you lying their whispering prayers
I hear you breathing out hollowed be thy name
Holding out my hand catching every tear
Oh my child I’ll never leave your side

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

For such a time as this I have you here
Chosen for the lost to show I’m near
Through your brokenness my glory shines
And through your frailty my strength will rise

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Your beautiful, your beautiful
Perfect in my sight
Righteousness adorns you my bride
Your beautiful, so beautiful

I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

And I will give you peace when the walls come crashing down
I will give you peace through the night
When you’ve had all you can take can’t face another day
I’ll give you peace, I’ll give you peace

Don’t You Get It, I’m An Alcoholic!!! – Part 2

So this morning’s shift is finally over, it went a lot quicker than I expected, not many customers, so it was a case of trying to look busy for a s long as possible, but in fairness everyone gave that up as a bad job when it became clear there wasn’t anything to do.

The petty bickering about who gets what alcohol continued, again I kept my stance of I want no part of it.  It was decided to put a raffle ticket on each case of beer and each person would draw a ticket to see what they would get, which in the end I thought was fair, again others tried to get me to be part of that and sell them the best beer if I received it, but I stood firm and rejected any of it.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!
Do not tremble or be dismayed,
for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9

In the end our Manager gave me an extra share of the tips in place of any alcohol and nobody objected, so I was fine with that (I probably got a better deal than anybody else).  Even after a fair draw there was still the “I don’t want that, can I swap?”  But in the end I think everyone was fairly happy with their share of the alcohol and tips, even if some acted like big kids!

On the way home this afternoon I stopped by my Nan’s grave, I’ve not been to visit for a number of weeks as the cemetery is closed now in the early mornings, due to the lack of light, so I stopped for a few minutes, it was a little emotional to say the least.  It’s going to be strange tomorrow, even though she had been in a nursing home for a number of years, before that the whole family would cram into her little house on Christmas Day afternoon, straight after the Queen’s speech, she would never miss that, then we would all descent and eat and drink for a few hours, it was tradition and you never missed it without a bloody good excuse.  So even though it hasn’t happened for a number of years, it will be a little strange this year, maybe I’ll discuss that a little bit more later.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls.
“For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30

It’s time for us to live the songs we sing
And turn our good intentions into action
To bring the kind of worship You desire
And move beyond our self-absorbed distractions

The mountains are shaking
Could this be a great awakening

Break our hearts
With the things that break Yours
Wake us up to see through Your eyes 
Break our hearts 
With the things that break Yours 
And send us out to shine in the darkness 

It’s time to move outside our comfort zone
To see beyond our churches and our homes 
To change the way we think and how we spend
Until we look like Jesus again

Here I am send me
To be Your hands and feet 
Here I am send me I will go

Don’t You Get It, I’m An Alcoholic!!!!!

Today at work has been the most tedious of affairs, we’ve hardly had any customers in, it really did drag.  Most of our regular customers finished for the year on Friday, the majority that came in, this afternoon especially, came in only to leave a Christmas tip or gifts of alcohol.  I was so glad when our Boss let us go an hour early.

That’s where the petty squabbling starts, with some trying to devise a way in which they can share the alcohol between themselves, whilst they still get the pick of the best of it.  Obviously I stated that I don’t want any share of it, I certainly don’t think they understand the true nature of this beast called alcoholism! It was suggested I take my share and give it away as presents, or even sell it, don’t they get it, I want no part of it, I don’t want any of it, I don’t want to touch the stuff, I have my reasons, they just don’t understand.

When it was suggested instead of a share of the beer, that I get an extra share of the tips (which would be less than the value of a pack of beer), that was baulked at too, so stuff it, let them squabble over it tomorrow, all I want to do is get my shift done in the morning and go home.

I know it’s all a bit petty on their part, but there is a definite lack of understanding of how this all works in my head, but when in the past I would spend the last days before Christmas filling the house with alcohol, selecting the bottle of wine I would drink with my Christmas dinner and hoping that all my presents would be additional alcohol, then this part of Christmas is not the easiest part for me to face, especially coming off a period where I have been struggling with so many things.  Whilst for them drinking is maybe one of those things that goes hand in hand with the Christmas period, but the rest of the year it is something they could take or leave, for me it isn’t, it’s life or death I’m afraid.  When you get to the point that there is no take it or leave it, that there is nothing else that matters other than drinking, this is beyond petty squabbles.  I hope and pray that each one of them never falls into the trap that I fell, that none of them get so far in that it wrecks their lives and leaves them on the edge of suicide.

So this roller coaster ride towards Christmas continues, it keeps taking me through some uneasy ups and downs, hopefully when it’s all over the way forward my just be a little smoother!

And, after you have suffered for a little while,
the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ will himself restore,
confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

Ah Ah Ah Ah

I thought that I could fix it on my own
The sickness deep in my heart
I thought that I could find the healing deep inside of me
Underneath all these scars

I had to fall, had to fall apart, to find that You-

Love me even after
I am a disaster
And everything is shattered
On the floor
You pick me up and hold me
God, You are the only
Remedy my heart’s been lookin’ for
You’re the cure

Ah Ah Ah Ah

I had my kingdom here, I had my thrown
Had everything I could need (Oh oh!)
I put my world on empty promises, empty things
It ripped apart at the seams (Oh oh!)

I had to crash, had to crash and burn, to find that You-

Love me even after
I am a disaster
And everything is shattered
On the floor
You pick me up and hold me
God, You are the only
Remedy my heart’s been lookin’ for
You’re the cure, the cure, the cure, You’re the cure
You’re the cure, the cure, the cure, You’re the cure

Since the day that I was born
I was broken and torn
So human, so incomplete
But You never gave up
Never lessened Your love
That’s the way that You’ll always be

I had to fall apart to find –

You, love me even after
I am a disaster
And everything is shattered
On the floor
You pick me up and hold me
God, You are the only
Remedy my heart’s been lookin’ for
You’re the cure, the cure, the cure, You’re the cure
You’re the cure, the cure, the cure, You’re the cure

You’re the cure!
(I thought that I could fix it on my own)
You’re the cure!

A Child Awaiting Christmas Day

A Child Awaiting Christmas Day

This morning I wake
Snow covers the ground
Yet it’s only March
Shouldn’t Spring be here

I’ll ignore these seasons
Not waiting for December
Excitedly I will await
Just seven more days

Anticipation is now building
For a landmark day
Milestone in my history
Wasn’t sure I’d see

Fifty one weeks down
One left to face
It passes so slowly
Impatiently I am awaiting

Like a small child
His big day awaits
Looking forward in wonder
Awaiting his Christmas Day

A Sober Year dawning
Almost twelve months since
Together with the Father
We took back control

Through faith I’m reborn
Highest praise I’ll offer
To the glorious Father
That saved His Child

Living In Hell’s Waiting Room

It’s an amazing thought tonight, that as I start to write this, at this very time on a Monday evening just like this one a whole year ago, I was in pieces, reliving, but more importantly discovering that I was an alcoholic.  It was the first time that I was admitting to the outside world and once again more importantly to myself that I had a problem with alcohol, not just that I liked a drink and often, but that this transcended beyond mere liking and enjoying a drink, but that my whole being was dependant on it to survive, I was a lost and hopeless alcoholic, I knew how I was living was all wrong, I knew I had to do something about it before it was too late, I knew having made the most important phone call of my life earlier that day, that the time had come, time to find a way out of “Hell’s Waiting Room”!

I’m not going to write in detail about that phone call or that evening, that can be found here in the post “Answering The Call“, no this post is about my life of addiction and having had a year to reflect on it, a year living with the ups and downs of recovering from addiction, it’s time to discuss some of the more painful aspects of my addiction.

Please note the contents of this post haven’t been research over hours on the internet, I haven’t read hundreds of self help books or A.A. manuals, these are my thoughts on addiction based on my years of living with mine, you may disagree, that’s fine, if you have face an addiction of whatever kind, then naturally your experiences will differ from mine and your opinions will differ also.

My words are mine, my thoughts are mine,  my feelings are mine, my experiences are mine, this is just me sharing me!

I have written about many parts of my troubles with drinking and what lead me to drinking, the simple fact of the matter was my complete inability to deal with my life when my own self worth was tested, I let my focus be on the things that were being taken from my life, things that in all honesty could be replaced with the right attitude, mainly work and money, they will always come and go, they have come and gone in my life before and I still got through it, but my reliance on these things for me to be me were far too much, so much that I started to worry about these things that I was losing, but could be replaced, rather than the things that were left, that I couldn’t replace, the love of Victoria and my kids, I focused so much on these other things, that I let them destroy me, then before I knew it I had lost the one thing that was the most important thing in my world at that time, Victoria.  She stayed the course as long as she could, but she wanted better than I could give her, damn it, she deserved better than I gave her, but I destroyed all of that because instead of concentrating on serving her and my family, I chose worship a bottle, I gave in and consequently almost gave up.

Seeing Victoria everyday can be hard, most days I just want to reach out, just to brush her hand with mine, to offer a hug or kiss, but I can’t, I have to just stand aside and let her go by.  Boy, do I pray about it, as I can’t influence her anymore than just sorting myself out, I leave the rest in God’s hands, if his paths for us are that we are truly meant to be together, then He will find a way, if not He will allow me to move on when the time is right, either way and although sometimes it’s hard to do I believe and trust in Him lead us both in the right direction.

So why do I call this my addiction?

Although I have spoken with and read testimonies of many who have been brave enough to admit they are an alcoholic, I use the term “are” rather than “were” as I do not believe you can ever escape this illness, but I’ll discuss this point later, each one is different, we all have common points, but we all have slightly different reasons why we got where we were, how we indulged in our addiction, how much or what we drank and how we were saved.

Therefore my experiences are almost entirely unique to me, no one else, as only I experienced them from my perspective, then they are truly my experiences alone.  Yes, we who have been ravished by an addiction can converse with language that we may only understand, we share common points in our addiction, some key points will overlap, others will be unique, but we can understand each other and we can understand how someone became so lost within their own mind, that they were trapped in there and feared they would never get out alive, sadly some don’t.

Why are we addicts, rather than were addicts?

I have read many articles by some great Christians that I have a lot of respect for, their love and knowledge for the Word of God is far greater than mine, I am just a baby in terms of my faith, I have read many articles about God and addiction, they nearly all state that God can pretty much just remove any addiction, if you pray for it, it will be granted.  Ok, I know the power of these words and yes, I have also experienced this power, there have been times when I have struggled and prayed for these thoughts to be removed, they were, He took them and gave me peace.  But as I am only human and born to fail, I do, I fall back.

Because I have succumbed once before, it has left a weakness, my human mind looks and craves for a comfort zone, somewhere it can feel safe and happy, it built a reliance on that one thing that took away from all the hatred and stress that clouded my ability to exist, although it didn’t allow me to address my problems, it did allow me to relax enough to walk away from them, dealing with them was hard, walking away happy was easy, I took that route!

But, the problem with the weakness that addiction exposes, is that it will always be beacon of hope for just one, a beacon of hope for the enemy.

The Devil will and does use our weaknesses to build a barrier between us and God, if it makes us feel good, even though we know it’s wrong, he will use those feelings and the memories of those feelings to stoke up a will within us to sin again, to forgo our God and allow him to satisfy our needs. I know I’ve let him get too far into my head, I’ve let him try to build on weaknesses, when I couldn’t fight anymore, I gave in, not to the devil, but to prayer, I found I couldn’t stand alone, I asked for temptation to be removed and God granted my prayer, but the Devil keeps coming back, he leave’s me be for a while, then when I think all is fine and I’m moving on nicely, when my guard is beginning to fall, than bang, he’s back, trying to catch me off guard, trying to take me unawares, but I’m determined not to let him force me from my path with God.

So whether you are a believer in God or not, addiction is addiction, we never really get away from it, we learn to live with it, we learn to avoid it, we learn when the trigger points arise and find a way to deal with it when it arises, but we are only one small mistake away from falling back into a life of addiction.

What did my addiction do for me?

My addiction through alcohol was I would say a physical one, it involved a physical introduction into my body, so much so that eventually the body becomes reliant, this is more evident in alcohol and drug addictions, even smoking, the body begins to crave the introduction of these substances to trigger things in our heads that make us feel better, to give us that temporary high, that takes us away from all that may be troubling us, removes us from reality and into the bliss our own mind has created.  Theses substance addictions can be very dangerous, in the case of alcohol, the body become dependant on that regular introduction of alcohol in order to function, it doesn’t actually need alcohol to function, but after prolonged exposure, it’s reliance is cemented and after such prolonged use just stopping drinking can actually be more dangerous than continuing to drink, the body becomes so reliant it shuts down when it is removed, unable to cope, in many instances this can result in death, not from the alcohol but indeed the lack of it.

The withdrawals from alcohol abuse can be extremely painful.  I scoffed when I used to hear about celebrities having to go into rehab to deal with their addictions and the withdrawals, I thought they were sad and weak, but when my withdrawals kicked in, I found myself in a world of pain, starting from simple headaches, leading to full on body and in particular joint pain, I could hardly move, it was painful to stay still and painful to move, there was no escaping them, I just had to ride them out, hoping the pain killers would help, they didn’t but I got through it.  But there were times when the pain was at it’s worst that I was tempted to take another drink.  My thinking was to take a bottle of wine, this was what the body wanted to ease it’s pain, then this is what I would do, once again through prayer and good friends, I resisted the temptation and got through it all.

My limited understanding of drug abuse, leads me to understand that dependant on the drug the symptoms are very similar, the cravings, the body reliance and the search for that temporary high.

Another of what I would class as physical addiction is self harm, probably the most misunderstood and hidden of addictions.  We see everyday addicts with a can of beer, smoking cigarettes and to a lesser extent taking drugs, we all know someone that does at least one of these things in excess, but do we know someone that actually takes a blade or a sharp object to cut their skin?  I believe we all do, it a hidden addiction that’s as bad as any other, it’s not just confused teens or angst ridden Emo kids that do this, you would surprised at how many and just who do this to themselves, and why do you ask, why do they do this?

The same reason as I drank, that temporary high, that relief the brain sends out, that release of chemicals in our brain, that when our feelings say our lives are so bad we can never be happy, we can do something to ourselves that rebukes those feelings, that for a short while will make us feel better about ourselves.  The bodies natural protection when we cut ourselves is to release these chemicals to make us feel better, to hide the pain of the cut, so just like I reached for a bottle to feel better, they reach for a blade to cut, that cut makes them feel better, just like my drink did, they crave it just like any other addict.

All these addictions seek the same thing, whether it be physical like drink, drugs and self harm, or something like gambling, steeling, shopping or anything else that you do make yourself feel better, when you can’t control your feelings and urges, when you give in to temptation every time as an easy way out you are an addict.

Why did I not know I was an addict?

I guess my explanation of this is simple, to admit this addiction would be to admit it was a problem, admitting it was a problem would be to seek to put an end to my problem, why would I want to do that?  After all it makes me feel good about myself, even if just for a short time!

My addictions made me feel better about myself for a while, when my life was well and truly “sucking more than an airplane toilet” (thanks Magnus for that one), why would I want to put an end to the only thing that makes me feel better, that’s all I had to look forward to, the temporary high, it only lasted a short time, so I did it again and again, it tried my best to live with that high, admitting I had a problem meant losing that high and no addict wants to do that!

So as an addict I ended up in a never ending circle, my life (in my opinion) sucked so bad I couldn’t deal with it, so I drank, that allowed me to remove myself from the problems, not deal with them remove myself from them, which in turn made the problems bigger, so I drank more to escape them, my problems got bigger and I drank more to escape them, it just kept increasing, they went hand in hand and I was losing the will to live, deep down I didn’t want to drink, but neither cold I actually function without it.

My life sucked as Magnus Persson said, more than an airplane toilet, but he also said;

“It’s OK to suck, as it’s halfway to success!”

I like that phrase, Magnus was guest speaker at Everyday Champions Church a few weeks ago, he used this phrase then and it stuck with me, when we admit our life does suck and we submit to God that we are not enough alone, then we truly are half way to success, an “excess” of God will make it complete!

Just what was Hell’s Waiting Room?

Well this is my take on the scenario, I see my addiction as controlling my life at that point, I couldn’t be happy without it, I couldn’t deal with anything without it, I couldn’t cope without it, I was reliant on it, but it was a sinful existence.

To be a drunkard is sinful and to indulge in porn for a high when I had no alcohol was sinful.

But my despair for the problems that my drinking compounded drove me to contemplations of suicide, it wasn’t just that one episode on Mother’s Day last year (a year yesterday), it was actually a fairly regular occurrence, it happened many times when I was alone, lost in my own world, feeling so insufficient, feeling I wasn’t needed, feeling useless, feeling alone, feeling DEAD, I had the knife, I had the location, all I had was the despair, luckily for me and unbeknownst to me, I had a God looking out for me who wouldn’t let me do it.

But I was there in a sinful life, looking to take the next step into hell, to end this sinful life and cease to exist, the only place for me was hell, I was there in the waiting room, just waiting for my number to be called so I could move on into hell!

Hell’s waiting room is a fantastic place for the sinful addict, it had everything I needed, shelves and fridges full of alcohol, porn on the TV’s and books just laid everywhere, I’m sure every sinner’s waiting room is different, but essentially the same, just waiting to be invited through those doors!

Luckily for all of us, God never locks those doors, that door we walk through to get into the that waiting room, is always available to use, you just need to know what the key is, to declare that Christ, our saviour Died on the Cross for our sins, when we believe Hell’s Waiting Room fades from view and the doorway to the Kingdom of God becomes illuminated beyond anything else!

On this night one year ago, I was given that key, that key to the rest of my life, with it I was given the courage, not just to hold on to that key, but to use it in that doorway to the Kingdom of God and the new life that awaited me beyond it, it may have taken me a few days to work out how to use the key, but I got there, I used that key and now I live a new life, not free of addiction, I will never be free whilst I am in this life on earth, but I can live with it and beyond it, I can handle it, I can fight it.

So I am truly:

Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN.
Moving on from addiction to a new life!

I love this song, it’s lyrics and the passion in which they are sung, echo where I was one year ago, I can almost see and hear myself singing these words, luckily God heard my silent cries, the ones I didn’t actually know I was making, he heard and sent people into my life to “Just Save Me”!

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me
(Just Save Me by Like A Storm)



Ever felt like your drowning
Struggled for that next breathe
Like life is slowly eroding
Emptiness is all that’s left

Ever felt that you’re utterly lost
Alone and in need of a lift
Can’t face all that’s ahead
Broken by all you have lost

Ever reached out for a drink
When it all becomes too much
It’s the only thing that helps
To feel normal in the chaos

Ever scratched at your hands
Or paced around your house
Trying to resist that craving
To fight an urge of an addict

Ever fell asleep with a drink in hand
Still holding on to precious glass
Finished it off before sunrise
As you wake to start your day

Ever shut the world from your view
Closed the curtains on outside life
Hidden yourself from prying eyes
Afraid to show what you’ve become

Ever experienced all of these things
Then you’ve sank right down
You’ve fallen along with me
To the Bottom Of A Bottle