Tag Archives: Alone

I Feel

I FEEL

Why is it I feel so alone
Even here in my own home
Yet this house is full
Everyone’s here
Yet still
I feel
So alone
I feel Your hand
Upon my shoulder
I feel Your arms
Holding my tight
Yet still
I feel
So alone
My heart is captive
Held in another hands
I feel You with me
And still
I feel
So alone

NOTE:
This one was rumbling around my head last night, it was the way I felt, I was going to bury it and leave in my drafts.  But I must say that this morning at Church I felt encouraged once again and not quiet so alone.

Verse of the Day – Psalm 25:16-17

Psalm 25:16-17

Psalm 25:16-17

There are times when, just like this evening, that I feel alone in a house that is full, these are nights when all I can do is to say this prayer.

NO GOOD TO BE ALONE by BRANDON HEATH
We’re leaving you a message on your telephone
Everybody’s wondering what you’re doing home
Yeah, we’re starting and you’re missing the party

Can you hear it playing your favorite song?
Everybody’s singing but something’s wrong
‘Cause you’re missing
Hey, hey, are you listening?

It’s no good to be alone
It’s no good to be out there on your own
It’s no good for you anymore than it is for me
It’s no good, no good for you to be alone
Alone, alone, alone, alone, no good to be alone

It’s been a little while, you’ve been outta the scene
Spending all your time chasing down a dream
Takes a lifetime
It’s a short life

You know it doesn’t matter how high you climb
If no one’s there to share the ride
When you get there who’s gonna be there?

It’s no good to be alone
It’s no good to be out there on your own
It’s no good for you anymore than it is for me
It’s no good, no good for you to be alone
Alone, alone, alone, alone, no good to be alone

Nobody’s suppose to be an island
Stuck out in the middle of the ocean on your own
I’m not giving up until I find you
Give me an S.O.S., I’ll bring you home
It’s no good for you to be alone

Don’t you know?
It’s no good to be alone
It’s no good to be out there on your own
It’s no good for you anymore than it is for me
It’s no good, no good for you to be alone
Alone, alone, alone, alone, no good to be alone
Alone, alone, alone, alone, no good to be alone

Empty House For A Week – Relief or Fear?

So it’s that time of the year, when Victoria and the two kids go away for the week to camp.  Now normally and certainly a few years ago I would be relishing this, but for the last couple of years this brings out a massive fear from inside of me, fear of myself.

Firstly I hate it when I come home from work and everyone is out, it brings out a fear that they may never come back, that this situation here at home would reach a point of no return.  I honestly don’t think that it would happen like that, but it still puts a doubt in my heart every time I walk into the empty house.

But the main fear is of myself.  I always liked my own space when I was lost and drinking, I could do what I liked, drink what I liked and had to worry about no one, as long as I got rid of any evidence before they come back, who cares, certainly I didn’t, I loved it.

So in the back of my mind is that fear, that this part of me may begin to rise again, that monster that was defeated may still be lurking, just waiting for an opportunity of weakness, to rear it’s ugly head and strike.

It was two years ago when they all went away that I started walking, I was only months into my recovery process and I couldn’t stand the silence.  So one night, I grabbed my iPod and went out walking, at that point I had no idea where I was going to walk to, I just set off out into the streets of Newark and walked laps around the streets, until it got late and then I would go home and go to bed, repeating the same process the next night and the next.  It was from there I developed a liking for walking and until I hit a few low points at the end of last year, I would get out almost daily and walk for a least four or five miles, even one time walking almost 28 miles without stopping.

Last year, I found places to go, between karate and few nights at friends, I had very little time at home, I had a big fear going into the week, but friends seemed to sense that and kept me busy, kept my mind of it and the week passed quickly before I knew it.

But this week I have work tomorrow morning, Church and karate on Sunday, then I have work and karate on Monday and Tuesday evening, but other than that I’m not sure.  Maybe now I’m back out walking again this weekend and hopefully with good weather, I may get out walking in the evening too.

The fear is this lethargy within me which has developed since I started taking the antidepressants at the end of last year.  Although I haven’t taken them now for almost three weeks, I still feel tired and lethargic from time to time, that’s when I become lazy and that when the bad habits begin to surface.

For the moment the focus is on next Thursday evening, which will bring around the 125 weeks sober mark, I like these 25 week marks, I celebrated in my own way, 25, 50, 75 and 100 weeks, so now I am focused on the 125 mark, which will hopefully be enough to keep me focused.

I’m also left in charge of the rabbit again, we are a little more friendly now than last year, when she bit me a couple of times when I fed her, hopefully there will be none of that this year.

It will be a testing week, there maybe a little fear and doubt inside, but I am not giving in.

BESIDE YOU by MARIANAS TRENCH
When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
When it’s in your spine like you’ve walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
I’ll be right beside you

When you’re overwhelmed and you’ve lost your breath
When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they’ve never been so loud

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
I’ll be right beside you

I will stay.
Nobody will break you,
Yeah.

Trust in me, trust in me.
Don’t pull away
Trust in me, trust in me.
I’m just trying to keep this together,
Because I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
Nobody will break you

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I’ll be right beside you
Nobody will break you.

On The Fringes

I’ve come to realise that pretty much all my life I have been on the fringes of things, involved, but never really getting too deeply involved.  Not in such that I never give my all, far from it, more such that I can’t really say that I fit into one group or another, I just do what I do, if possible to the best of my ability and then when it’s over, most of the time I just go my separate way and back to my own little world.

When I was young I would say that I had lots of friends, but as I was one who was pretty happy with my own company, I never really hung with one group or the other, I was accepted by most, but never really part of any solid group.  My parents used to say that I was an easy child to bring up, I was happy on my own, I was quiet and most of the time they would forget I was there, unlike my sister, who was loud, lively and never stuck at one thing or another, she would get bored quickly and try something else.

I stuck at karate through the years, even though friends I made there came and went.  From the age of around nine I was training four or five times a week.  The few nights I had free, I probably wouldn’t go out, so when my friends met after school, more often than not I was out training, they would discuss the next day what they got up to, sometimes it sounded like fun, at others not the sort of thing I would want to do anyway.  As I say they were friends and I was never excluded, I just chose not to hang with them, but to commit myself to something else.

In my working life, it’s only at my current job that I have worked as part of a larger team, previously I’ve worked in small companies, most of the time just me and the boss, then from time to time someone else would join, but they wouldn’t last long.  The only issue with working in a small company, you have to do everything, from general work, to baby sitting and even feeding donkeys, oh yes feeding donkeys!

You learn to put up with the fact the boss has had an argument at home and will take everything out on you, for that day you can do no right, you just get your head down and get on with it, there’s no one else to complain to, I learnt to nod in the right places, take my dressing down, work that bit harder through the day and then later in the day, when they come with what is an explanation for their actions, you take it as an apology even though they never actually said sorry, but they had realised they had overstepped the mark.  As I say I learnt to take it in my stride and focus on the job, once I committed to a job, I would stay with it until the job was no longer there, many came and went, they couldn’t take that commitment to the job, to do it whatever.

But even now at work, I don’t really feel I fit in with the small groups of people that form in these places.  I guess I’m not really used to it, I’ve pretty much always worked in my own way on my own, I have no problem working as a team and getting the job done, I just don’t get into the tight groups that form, I go to work, do my job and then go home, that’s it, that’s just me.

Even with karate I sat on the fringes of things.  Since the age of fifteen, I’ve been the instructor at my club, firstly as an assistant, but mostly as the main instructor.  At first it alienated me from the friends that were my peers at the time, they were all the same grade, although they hadn’t been training quite as long, some were more successful than I was, but I was chosen as one of two to succeed my instructor when he emigrated to Australia, friendships became distant until they eventually left the club for various reasons.  For that reason although I formed friendships in the club, being the instructor and defacto leader, it was a little different to the normal friendships.  I easily became social worker to some of them, trying my best to sort out their lives, all the time whilst mine was collapsing around me, I put on a brave face through my addiction, never let anyone see it or understand it, acted like the tough guy leader they expected from a karate instructor, meanwhile back at home everything was in a deep state of turmoil.  When I stopped being that person to sort my own life out, these so called friends disappeared.

When I was drinking, the majority of it was done alone, I would bring the drink into the house and drink myself to sleep, it was the only way I could sleep.  I would drink with a few of the guys from karate, but as I said, the friendships were on a slightly different level, but mostly I was quite happy to be alone in the house, even with the family around me, I was alone, doing my thing on my own path to self destruction.

Since I’ve been in Church, things have changed a lot, I have made lots of supportive friends, my connect group is amazing, they have been there for me so many times, but yet I still find that I tend to find myself alone in a crowded room.  Not that people avoid me, no, it’s me, It’s the way I am, I gravitate towards my own company and I seem to be happy like that.

Today I just didn’t feel like being around anyone, I was happy to do my tasks, be involved in our team’s duties for the morning, get set-up, do our jobs and pack away, but as soon as that was done, I just wanted to get out.  I had a great morning at Church, don’t get me wrong, the services were great, the messages were great, the worship was awesome, but I wanted to be alone, I didn’t really want to talk with anyone, mainly because I couldn’t quite put my finger one what was wrong at the time, I felt I needed time and space to work that out.

When I came home I wrote When I … You Are, I had a line for that poem which I had been mulling over when it was going through my head at Church, when I got home I forgot about it, until I started writing this, the line was….

When I feel invisible
You Are the only one that sees me

It has meaning to me, it reflects something that cuts into me a lot, something that hurts and it’s not to do with any friends from Church, it’s closer than that.  In the past it’s broke me into to tears and put me on the edge of depression.  It did happen again this morning, at first I brushed it off, but when I thought about this line, it came flooding back, maybe from that point it was when I wanted to be alone, away from the world, so they didn’t see that pain, I don’t know, I just know it’s not easy to deal with and not easy to actually fully explain what it is on this Blog, except to say it’s hurts when it happens.

Maybe I am destined to go through life on the fringes of things, it seems it’s the way I’ve been made, the fact is I’m happy being involved and I’m happy being me, it’s who I am.

WHO WE ARE by EVANS BLUE
I lie awake to the sound of it all
Will it ever reach me
As I wander around this hole
Will the burden break me

Have the words been made to take the pain
When the truth cannot be safe
Can the truth remain when everything, everything’s okay
And now the world surrounds us
Will we ever live

Now here we are, going down, down, down
Will we turn this around or fall apart
Now here we are, looking down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

So I try, break habit, and fall
The walls consume me
Rely on having it all
And it all goes through me

Have the words been made to take the pain
When truth cannot be safe
Can the truth remain when everything, everything’s okay
And now the world surrounds us
Will we ever live

Now here we are, going down, down, down
Will we turn this around or fall apart
Now here we are, looking down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

And all you are
You cannot fall
You move the world
You have it all
You cannot fall
You cannot fall

And now here we are, going down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

Now here we are, going down, down, down
Will we turn this around or fall apart
Now here we are, looking down, down, down
We can turn this around; it’s who we are

Alone In A Crowded Room

Daily Prompt: Back to the Future

I have this amazing ability, I’m sure it is something that I seem to have unintentionally perfected over the years, this maybe just one blog post, but I could write the book on it, this ability of mine to “stand alone in a crowded room”.

I’m not a natural mixer, I am okay in my own surroundings, but outside of that I am intensely shy, I find it hard to connect with others that I don’t know, some people I know can just walk up to people they don’t know and have never met and strike up a conversation as if they speak with each other daily, me I just stand alone, quiet, withdrawn, just me in my own bubble, struggling to mix.  Once I get to know people it’s a little different, but still sometimes in room of people I know I can still feel like I’m on the fringes of things, not that I’m intentionally left out, it’s just me, I can just put myself out of place.

In a place that’s new to me and crowded, I tend to just tag along with the people I know, following them around and trying to be a little like them.  This happened when I first went abroad to Norway with the English Karate Team, I didn’t really know that many on the team, I was a bit of an outsider among my own people, they were all from the London area, they knew each other had trained with each other for years, then there was me, this little odd ball from 125 miles away, somewhere up north, I felt outside of everything, just doing my best to mix.  Things improved as I got to know these guys more over the weekend and in the course of my years on the squad, I was eventually  considered to be a senior amongst those on the squad, I was one of the oldest, the senior grade, I attended more sessions than most of my team mates, even though I was travelling so far, I became a central figure, even after I retired from the squad I remained a senior figure and many of them gave me the most amazing send off when I retired from competing last months, they raised the biggest cheers for me as I collected my medal.

That’s just one story of many from my karate, just one story of so many in my life and probably one of many to come in my life, but in terms of the time I felt most out of place, when I really felt like a square peg in a round hole, well that came on the 1st April 2012, that was the morning I walked into the Everyday Champions Church.

I had been there before, I had sat in a service before, a family event that time, my daughters confirmation, I didn’t really understand what that meant, I attended with Victoria, my kids, members of the family, I even stood on stage as part of the service, I met many members of the Church that day and many came back to my house and sat with me.

But this time I entered the doors alone, I did my best to get in unnoticed, just to slip in quietly, not wanted to really connect with anyone, unless I knew them, I texted Alex that morning to say I was going, he’s an old family friend and sat with me that night that Gareth came around to meet with me a few weeks earlier, I spoke with him on the way in, he knew why I was there and what was going on, other than that I wanted to slip quietly in, sit at the back and see what there was there for me to find, I was searching for something, a way forward, a new start, a new life, I had made a start, but I was in need for something to guide me on this journey.

That’s the funny side of all of this, I wanted to be alone in Church, I wanted to sit alone, but also wanted something to help me stay on this new path I had found, I wanted the company of people to help me, but couldn’t make myself connect with those there that could help.

I took a seat right at the back, on the back row in the corner, the furthest away from the stage as possible and away from the crowds, I sat alone for a while until a couple, John and Eve, took the seats next to me, they introduced themselves and we talked, at that point I came to the first point where I had to make a big decision.

Do I tell the truth or do I continue to try to hide what I had become?

I had been hiding behind my addiction for so long, I hid it so well I had hid it from myself, I didn’t know I was addicted until it was too late.  Now was the time to make a choice, keep hiding or let it all out, admit what I was so the healing process could progress.

I recounted my story for the first of so many occasions, with that first recalling of my downfall to someone I didn’t know came some relief from the pain, the more I shared my story of the coming weeks the easier it got.

I spoke with John and Eve after the service, discussed how I felt about it and a little bit more about my story and my journey so far, but after that discussion I seemed once again to be alone.  That’s when after standing alone for some time, I decided to go home, but on the way out I met with James, he had been one of those who had come to my house on my daughters confirmation day, we had only met that once, but he remembered and we talked, for the second time that morning I retold my whole sordid story, it was easier this second time, I’m so glad I met with James on the way out that day, that meeting started a great friendship and the biggest support for my journey so far, in my low times James has been there to pick me up, maybe if I hadn’t of decided to go home that day, if I hadn’t felt a little bit like I didn’t fit, just maybe I wouldn’t have bumped into James and that support may not have been as quite the same, without it this journey may not have been as fantastic as it has.

Over the coming weeks and months in Church I met more and more people, but there were still times that I stood alone in a room of hundreds, when I felt out of place and simply left alone, but that’s me and my amazing ability.  I have that superpower, to become invisible, to stand alone in my own company, in a crowded room.

It’s my biggest problem, my natural shyness, I’ve struggled with it all my life and still do now, it gets to me because it holds me back.  On this blog I can hide behind the keyboard and screen, alone I type at home, in my own company, then everyone can read it at their own leisure, even my most private and potentially embarrassing moments and secrets I can write about on here, I guess I don’t have to look anyone in the eye as I’m telling my story, I don’t have to look embarrassed or feel like I’m being judged, after all being judged was my biggest fear that day I walked into to Church.

Being judged as not worthy of a place in Church because of my sin and my addiction was what I was most frightened off, when John asked why I had chose to come to Church that day and I decided I had to tell me story, regardless of what these people thought of me, I got the response I needed and that wasn’t judgement, it was a friendly smile, a pat on the shoulder and a welcome to their Church, reassurance that whatever I had become over the years, I was welcome there, I was in the right place now, it didn’t matter to them what I was, it mattered to them that I had found my way home, to a family that would love me and see me through my journey.

It mattered to them that I had found my way to God’s house, I was home.

Do I still stand alone in a crowded room, the answer sadly is yes, but it certainly not as bad as it was.

Can I just walk into uncharted surroundings and talk to people at will, no I can’t, I still not all good at that.  I would love to stand out in the crowd sometimes, not just fade into the shadows, I would love to be able to just walk up to someone I didn’t know and strike up a conversation, but I can’t, I guess it’s that fear of being judged on first impressions once again.

It holds me back sometimes, I’m not good at putting myself forward in situations, but I am who I am and right now, I’m happy with who I am.

ALONE by SANCTUS REAL
True love exists yes I know this
My heart was waiting for you
And when we met I felt my chest
pound fast, racing for the chance
to know you, to hold you
To open up and show you
The way it feels when you know…

You are not alone
Know that I would fight the tides to
Be together
When you feel alone
Listen to this song to make your heart
feel better

Two hearts entwined, yes, you are mine
And I’ll be your’s forever
I’ve done the math, I’m less than half
We’re better off together
And I want you here by my side
As much as you are on my mind
When I’m gona you should no

Rainy Mondays feel like Fridays
When you’re smiling at me I can feel
The space
Between us collapsing
Our love is everlasting

Listen to this song
Let it make your heart feel better