Tag Archives: Anger

Rivers of Anger – Ecclesiastes 7:9

Rivers of Anger – Ecclesiastes 7:9

Where anger is the river
That flows across the soul
Filling the laps of fools
Where thoughts are hidden
In the darkness of clouds
Clarity bows to confusion
As the soul is consumed
It’s the way of so many
Who cannot find their peace
I say stop and look up
Breathe deeply breaths of God
Let His calmness ease the soul
And His thoughts be your own
Anger is never the way
The way is only God

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Blackened Minds And All That

It seems some time since I have posted about how things are going around here, somehow I seem to find myself too busy or simply motivated to do other things.  I do veil some of my feelings into my daily poetry, particularly in Sunday’s Blackened Mind, which I will attempt to explain later in this post.

Things have settled down a little at work, myself and my colleague were issued with a written warning for not following correct procedure, both of us were caught out by a fraudster, which cost the company thousands of pounds, it’s a lesson learnt, a slap on the wrist and we carry on, but I won’t make that mistake again.

During all of the investigation for that, there was a chance that we both could lose our jobs, my colleague was especially worried as even though he doesn’t have the debt that I have, he couldn’t afford to lose his job.  Myself, I’m still paying back all the debt I amassed in my dark years.

If I’m honest, even before I “had a problem” with the drink, we were still living to our income, we weren’t saving and like many around us living on credit, but back then I was paying it back as I should.  When I lost my work and my way, any money that came in I pretty much spent on drink, I stopped paying all bills, I looked at what I had for alcohol before considering bills and debts, that was where my addiction took me and I seemingly had no control.

So for almost two years, my payments were bouncing all over the place, I was amassing so many bank charges, my overdraft which was only £450, but eventually ran to a total of over £1100, after the bank added charge after charge to my account, eventually they closed it when the Citizen Advice Bureau took over our case and rearranged my debts.

The biggest of my debts was the £8000 I owed to the Inland Revenue in taxes, this January I finally paid that off, which means a big amount that was going straight out of my account after my wages went in is no longer going out, although the Inland Revenue at first failed to cancel the payment after I contacted them, took out another payment and now owe me money, which I have applied for back, but am still waiting for, the wheels of bureaucracy run slow, they like to take your money pretty quickly, but not give it back without a fight!

But with this being the largest of my monthly repayments by some way, it took a bit of pressure off me financially, so when I realised I could lose my job, I actually wasn’t that worried by it all.  I prayed on it over and over again, each time I got a strong word from God that He has bigger things planned for me, whatever happens don’t be afraid, He wouldn’t let me fall again.

So even though my job is safe, providing I don’t screw up in the next six months at least, I am still not worried about the future, I keep praying for God to reveal His plan for me, but for now, I just keep working away, doing everything that’s asked of me.  Yes I work from 7.30 to 5pm each day, plus Saturday mornings, I teach karate too and then do work for the Architect’s.  I need the money from my work and the karate to cover our outgoings here, the work for the Architect’s is a nice bonus, it has to being seeing as they aren’t that good at paying anyway.  I can go months without getting any money from them, I still have to jump to deadlines, but I’ve managed to keep things in the time schedule I want to do them, I won’t just drop everything anymore, I would get a text at work expecting me to do what they say is just a few minor changes that evening, I would respond by telling them when I could do it and that would be that, no matter how many begging texts I got in response.  I’m sorry but if I was paid on time, I would be more inclined to put myself out, but as they don’t put themselves out to pay me, I will do things in my time and after all there minor changes were never an hour or so of work, it would end up being a few nights work or a full weekend!

Back to “Blackened Mind”, I was having a pretty good weekend, on Saturday I finally received a payment from the Architect’s, some of the invoices were from last autumn.  So I took the kids out on Saturday to do a bit of shopping in Lincoln, we had a good day out.  Then Sunday morning I felt quite positive when I left the house for Church, when I got there I felt pretty good.

During the morning I had a conversation with a friend who asked about the situation at home, between Victoria and myself.  I explained things hadn’t changed, we still live together in separate rooms, it still the same, I would start all over again tomorrow, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.  I told him how I still pray regulary for the situation and when I do I always feel like God says to me “don’t you worry about that, I have all that in hand, you just keep walking with me”, I told him how I feel all the pain and the weight of the situation lifted from me.

At the very moment I told him that, I had this overwhelming sense of warmth spread through my back, a feeling so comfortable that you just know that you’ve just had the arms of God thrown around you.  It was like God was saying to me “that’s my boy, you just keep doing that”.

All in all it was a fairly positive morning and a good preach from Sam, very encouraging, until towards the end when he began to speak about something that set me off.  He began to speak about his anniversary that weekend and how they had enjoyed it and spent it.  It set me off because that day, Sunday 10th May, was the anniversary of the first date that myself and Victoria had eighteen years before.

I don’t forget dates like that, I will forever remember, but I can’t do anything about it, for the first time in years, I had the means to celebrate it, for the first time in years I had some spare money with which to do something with, but my relationship is bankrupt and there is nothing I can do about it.

From my positive mood I slipped into the darker region of my mind and all that self hatred.  All I wanted to do was get out of the place go home.  I hate that I lie to people around me at times like that, everyone that asks how I am, I lie to, I say I’m okay and then move on, avoiding further conversation.  I packed up the camera’s and left straight away, I barely spoke to anyone on the way out, I wanted to avoid any kind of conversation, I just wanted out.

On the way home, I was in a real mess.  My mind was back in the dark days when I fell into depression.  I began to think about the times I wanted to end my life and began wishing I had actually done it, if I had I wouldn’t have to keep going through this pain over and over again.  Then I began to think that maybe this time I shouldn’t bother cutting my wrist, just cut my throat, I couldn’t get that wrong, even better, when I get home I should take the sharpest knife I could find and thrust it through my heart, just put it out of it’s misery.

When I got home I wrote out “Blackened Mind”, posted it, prayed and then just simply laid down on the settee and went to sleep.  By the time I woke a few hours later, all the darkness had gone and I was back to the more positive feeling I had earlier that morning.

It’s been so much better this week since then, on Monday evening I set up the verses for this weeks poems.  I randomly chose seven verse at the beginning of each week, the first three that came out, all spoke of perseverance through the trials, all different verses, but the same message, keep going, keep walking through the storms, things will be better on the other side, I knew that was once again the message I was being given, I felt so encouraged.

I must say that those few hours on Sunday were the darkest I have had in a long time, I have low moments, but not dark thoughts like that, indeed I don’t think I ever felt about things as darkly as that, but thankfully it went just as quickly as it came about.

Hopefully this was just a one off, triggered by a memory, I’m sure there will be others, many others, but God keeps telling me His has a plan, for the time being I just have to keep walking with Him.

I came across this song by Jeremy Camp earlier today, the lyrics made me stop and think once again, another message to keep persevering, there is a bigger plan for me.

PERFECT LOVE by JEREMY CAMP
If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near

Days have come, days have gone
I know one thing’s sure
Hanging on by the words of Your promise, Lord
You are good, you are true
Even in my pain

And I’m thankful for this suffering
‘Cause it’s brought me right here on my knees

If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near
I’m crying out and You hear my prayer
I feel the depth of how much You care
In Your perfect love
You are perfect love

I’m wide awake, wide awake
Now my eyes can see
All the hope, all the plans that you have for me
I count in joy ever time I am in this place

And I’m thankful for this suffering
It’s deepened every part of me

If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near
I’m crying out and You hear my prayer
I feel the depth of how much You care
In Your perfect love
You are perfect love

I cast my cares, cast my cares
On Your altar Lord (always, always)
‘Cause You are good, You are good
And Your love endures (always, always)
I will rest, I will rest
In Your perfect love (always, always)
There’s no more fear, no more fear
In Your presence Lord

If perfect love casts out fear
Then here I am Lord drawing near
I’m crying out and You hear my prayer
I feel the depth of how much You care
In Your perfect love
You are perfect love

Verse of the Day – Ecclesiastes 7:8-9

Ecclesiastes 7:8-9

Ecclesiastes 7:8-9

I still seem to be harboring some pent up frustration, which boarders on anger, but I pray for better days, I pray for clarity and peace, brighter days are coming.

HEALING NOW by SICK PUPPIES
I wrestle with my thoughts at night
Anchored to the ropes I tied to myself
Heaviness in my both my legs
Like I walked a thousand miles a day

If I could stand on top of my world
I’d still be looking up at stars that I can never touch

When a sky full of tears falls to the earth
I gotta believe we’re healing now
Now before you give up, before it gets worse
I have to believe we’re healing now

Healing now
Healing now
Healing now

From where I stand it’s hard to see
What anyone has to offer me today
Courage comes from letting go
And loving everything you fear away

If I could stand on top of my world
I’d still be looking up at stars that I can never touch

When a sky full of tears falls to the earth
I gotta believe we’re healing now
Now before you give up, before it gets worse
I have to believe we’re healing now

Healing now
Healing now
Healing now

I dream about war
I live without peace
A cell without bars
Breathe air I can’t breathe
I choose to believe
In the face of my doubts
I am what I see
I am healing now

Healing now

When a sky full of tears falls to the earth
I gotta believe we’re healing now
Now before you give up, before it gets worse
I have to believe we’re healing now

Healing now
Healing now
Healing now

I Can’t Fight No More

I CAN’T FIGHT NO MORE

I can’t fight no more
This frustration is beating me down
I feel it rising deep within
As the poison arrows
Strike from every direction
This anger rides the veins
Invading the heart
Extinguishing the fire within
Like a poison within soul

I stand at the centre
Of a lonely battlefield
Holding on with all I have
Yet slowly I fall
Upon my knees
Surrounded by darkened eyes
Where the fire behind
Died long before
I’m on my knees
I can’t fight no more

I can’t fight no more
I will stand aside
I can’t defeat the frustration
I have to stand aside
I can’t halt the anger
I will stand aside
I can’t conquer the fear
I have to stand aside
I can’t fight no more

I stand aside
To let You in
I’ve tried
Yet I can’t do it alone
I need You now
To fight for me
Please let me rest
Beneath the shadow of Your wings
And there

Let me be stayed
By Your Perfect Peace

Taming The Angry Beast

Night’s like these are when I have to fight the beast inside, where the old me would be reaching straight for a bottle or a handful of cans, I hate these nights.

For the second night running I’ve come home from work completely frustrated and angry.  It’s been a hard couple of weeks at work, it always is around stock take time as a lot of the work falls into my remit, it just seems more so this year.

I just feel like I’m working alone at the moment, I running around trying to get everything done within the deadlines, as well as trying to manage my normal workload, whilst everyone else just stands around watching, no one offers to help out, I’m just left to do everything whilst they stand around chatting, waiting for customers.

Maybe it’s just me, I’m not one to just approach people for help, it’s my job so I just get on with it, it’s just so frustrating, but it should be all done tomorrow and next week back to the normal workload.

The problem is, in the past when I went home angry and frustrated, the first place I would go, quite often before even going home, would be the shop around the corner, buy some alcohol, usually a couple of bottles of wine and a handful of cans, just so as soon as I got in I could start drinking and dealing with the problem in my own special way, to escape it all.

So on nights like this, there is a part of me that just wants to go and do that, a small voice from within reminds me of how I used to deal with these things.  This all makes dealing with things harder, it’s just another thing to get over, it just adds to all the frustration.

So how do I deal with it now, I walk home and try to put myself in a different place, think of everything I’ve achieved so far and how I got where I am, obviously praying for the same guidance and strength I have received from the beginning.  Then when I get home, I have my tea and sleep it all off for an hour or so.

Last night was fine, because I was out at with my Connect Group for a social night, which as always is fun and takes my mind of the problem at least for a few hours.  Tonight it get’s a little tougher as I am at home, I do have some architectural work to do, but I’m in no rush to do that, especially after a hard few days and also because I’ve still not been paid for the last 10 months work, it will get done when I’m ready and in the mood.

I guess the good thing about Thursday’s is that every Thursday is a another week of sobriety, it’s 127 weeks this evening, which as always spurs me on.

WE MUST REMEMBER by JEREMY CAMP
We must remember
That You have forgotten
And You don’t remember our sins anymore
We must remember
That You have forgotten
And You, You died once and for all

You are the God that bore our shame
You are the taker of our pain
And we know that You are, yes You are
The one true life we need

You are the pure and spotless Lamb
You are the only Great I Am
And we know that You are, yes You are
The God of the redeemed

And we must remember
That You have forgotten
And You don’t remember our sins anymore
And we must remember
That You have forgotten
And You, You died once and for all
Once and for all

The power of Your blood is all that we need
You laid down Your life and the captives were free
The veil was torn and there was victory

We must remember, we must remember
That You’ve forgotten, yes You’ve forgotten
We must remember, there is victory
There is victory
There is victory
There is victory

We must remember
That You have forgotten
And You don’t remember our sins anymore
And we must remember
That You have forgotten
And You, You died once and for all

Verse of the Day – Exodus 14:14

Exodus 14:14

Exodus 14:14

Sometimes I frustration sets in and I’m am quick to anger, at time like those I know I just need to step back and be still.

IT WAS YOU by THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS
Hiding away for years to come
To having bullets but no gun
This song is not for everyone
And I failed once before
Yes I failed twice before
But someone caught my fall

It was you, oh
It was you, oh
Memories take your time
I needed someone by my side
It was you, oh

Things not always as they seem
But I have nothing up my sleeves
Maybe that’s why I will succeed
Cause I failed once before
Yes I failed twice before
But someone caught my fall

It was you, oh
It was you, oh
Memories take your time
I needed someone by my side
It was you, oh

Cause I failed once before
Yes I failed twice before
But someone caught my fall

It was you, oh
It was you, oh
Memories take your time
I needed someone by my side
It was you, oh

It was you

Verse of the Day – 2 John 1:6

2 John 1:6

2 John 1:6

To love beyond the pain, to love beyond the heartache, to love beyond the anger or to love beyond the resentment, all these test the soul, but I resolve to stay true to His command and walk in love.

THIS IS LOVE by LUMINATE
I’m burning inside
These thoughts of you control my mind
A love I can’t shake as I lie awake tonight
This is different from the rest
It’s more than a feeling or a second guess
‘Cause I can’t breathe till you’re holding me again

‘Cause this is love, keeping me awake tonight
This is love, I can’t free You from my mind
‘Cause I’ve never felt apart
Of something greater than myself until now
I’m waking up ’cause this is love

I have to be with you
‘Cause I can’t make it on my own
My fears are forgotten
When I’m standing here with you

So where do we go from here?
They say the future’s so unclear
But I don’t care, I’ll go anywhere with you
I’ll go anywhere, we can go anywhere

‘Cause this is love, keeping me awake tonight
This is love, I can’t free You from my mind
‘Cause I’ve never felt apart
Of something greater than myself until now
Oh, I’m waking up

To a love I can’t deny
You are the dawn that breaks the night
You have my heart, You have everything
‘Cause this is love

‘Cause this is love, keeping me awake tonight
This is love, I can’t free You from my mind
‘Cause I’ve never felt apart
Of something greater than myself until now
Oh, I’m waking up

This is love, oh
This is love, oh
‘Cause this is love
‘Cause this is love

Falling In The Dark Hours

Everything seemed to be going really well until this evening, a few things just started to go wrong, slowly I found myself getting more and more agitated and eventually becoming very angry.  By the time I got home I just wanted to be alone in the dark, I went straight upstairs out of the way without speaking with anyone, I think Victoria could tell something wasn’t right, but she never said anything.

After I while I came back downstairs, had something to eat and laid down on the settee, but I just began to get further and further wound up.  My breathing was heavy and I sank back into a dark place.

I began to get similar feelings to those that kept coming to me before Christmas, they came back again tonight, I’ve never mentioned them to anyone before, they went away when Christmas passed quietly, but as I say I had them again tonight.  All I wanted to do was to cut something into my left arm, before Christmas I kept wanting to carve “I’ll Never Be Enough”, but tonight it was “I Hate Myself”!  I’ve never self harmed and before the end of last year, never contemplated it.  At Christmas I kept imagining that I would just find myself in a daze on Christmas day with these words cut into my arms, this evening was very similar.

But then something changed, as I laid there I could feel my heart beating hard and then I remembered the words that kept coming to me on Sunday, the words I posted Sunday evening:

Even though I go through all the anxiety, the worry, the stress, the emptiness, the desolation and despair, I’m never alone, but I should believe that when I go through this and my heart beats in double time, it’s not just my heart that’s beating, but the heart of Christ beating alongside mine.

As soon as I began to think about that everything changed, the emptiness and the dark urges ceased almost immediately and I slowly began to pick up.  So less than an hour later I feel much calmer, not as calm and content as last evening, but nowhere near how empty and low I felt earlier this evening.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’
Joshua 1:9

WHILE WE SING by LEELAND
I’ve sat by far too long
And I’ve watched the hurting suffer on their own
I have chances everyday
To live like You, die to myself
Give Your love away
And I wonder why I feel so empty inside

While I sing la la la la la la la la la
As the hungry roam the streets
La la la la la la la la la
As the broken are on their knees
La la la la la la la la la
I keep singing

We are frozen, we are still
But we’re called to be a city on a hill
And as our melodies resound
We cannot hear the silent cry
This world is screaming out
And we wonder why we feel so empty inside

While we sing la la la la la la la la la
As the hungry roam the streets
La la la la la la la la la
As the broken are on their knees
La la la la la la la la la
We keep singing

Remember salvation’s day
When Jesus washed our sins away
The lost are crying out to be saved

While we sing la la la la la la la la la
As the hungry roam the streets
La la la la la la la la la
As the broken are on their knees
La la la la la la la la la
We keep singing
But just a song won’t heal
The bleeding wound
Church wake up
We’re sleeping in an empty tomb

Church arise, arise and shine
Shake yourself from the dust
God is calling us to go

The Storm Within

The Storm Within

At times I find I feel so alone
Sat within this empty room
Arms wrapped around my legs
Holding them tightly to my shaking body
Chin pressed firmly against my chest
Slowly rocking back and forth
Silent sobs fill the empty spaces
Salted tears gracefully fall
Suppressed anger echoes from the walls
Within my mind a war is raging
A growling storm is gradually stirring
Howling winds whip up the waves
That crash down upon my soul
Slowly sinking beneath swelling tides
Never knowing how much more
A fragile faith can really stand
Just hanging on for a little piece of strength
To climb above the reckless seas
Until I stand upon the foaming crest
And command this demonic storm
To cease and calm at once
Then I’ll walk across the quiet waters
Until I meet the Son of Man
Because if anyone can free me from myself
He’s the only one who can

Blending Remorse & Anger – The Ugly Side Of A Journey

Since my last post I’ve been catching up with my journal from Thursday night, it was a really testing day for many reasons.

It was the final day of my fork lift training and my test day, everybody at work was really getting on my nerves, endless questions, things like “have you passed yet?” or “have you had your test yet?”, it’s all I heard all day when all I really wanted to do was concentrate on what was before me, I didn’t want their company, it’s like when I’m competing I go into my little world of preparation, my way, quietly away from everyone else, but it was hard to avoid them all in my work environment, to say it wound me up was an understatement.

I left work physically and mentally exhausted, the problem was I had to go straight to the Architects to do further work for them. I considered as I walked there calling and putting it off, but it would only build up and become a bigger issue down the line, so I went straight there, I wasn’t good company.

As almost always, what I believed I was going in to work on, wasn’t the case, a different job tonight, the one I was told I was there to do I would have to take home and complete over the weekend!

Granted this job wasn’t a big one, a few alterations to some drawings I worked on last weekend, but the quicker I tried to get it done, the slower the computer ran, until it started freezing on me, that’s when I felt myself not just getting angry but getting aggressive too, I was losing it and I couldn’t help it.

Then when I got home, no sooner had I got in then Eve kicked off, I haven’t a clue what it was over, but she screamed the house down, it was like 1000 alarms ringing in my head at the same time, all I wanted to do was run.  I could feel the anger burning again and I knew I couldn’t stay there, if I did I would start to take it out on everyone and let’s face it, it’s not their fault.

I did get out the house, I took myself around to a friend’s house from Church, I had planned to go there anyway, but being so tired I was unsure whether I was up for it, but now I was convinced I needed to get out and talk. The good thing was David is a great listener, he let me talk at length and challenged me when he saw fit, it was a good couple of hours, something I really needed.

I guess this has been the reoccurring theme of mine over the last few weeks, remorse and anger mixed and mixed again, until it finally brewed into aggression.

To say I’m not happy with myself is a great understatement, I don’t like feeling this way, feeling that just beneath my skin is a very angry man waiting to burst free at any moment.

I started to lose my way when I let remorse into my head, remorse for what my drinking has created, all these little things I can’t control, that are beyond my touch, all these things began to eat away at me, slowly digging deeper. I knew I shouldn’t let them and I knew I had to keep doing what I had been doing for so long, simply concentrating on the things I can control and leave the rest to God.

Only I let them eat away at me and then the worst of it all, tried to hide it, tried to get through it alone. Even though over the last week I’ve been opening up about things and talking them through with friends, the weariness is bringing the anger to the surface, it’s making it far more acute.

In my journal earlier this evening I wrote this…

…is there a light? I know it’s with me, I just hope my eyes aren’t too tired to see it!

I know I don’t like it when I get angry and even worse when that boils over into aggression, even though I don’t let people see my aggression and I certainly don’t take it out on others, but at these moments, when I feel like this I know I have to start doing what I’ve done to get through everything else in the last 600 days and call on the name of Jesus.

Today is my 590th SoberDay, I know I’ve overcome so much in that time, but at times the term “overcomer” feels like a massive burden (but that’s another post), especially at times like these, but it certainly not time to give up now, it’s time to focus on the light and not let my years of darkness continue to haunt me.

HE IS THE LIGHT by BRYAN & KATIE TORWALT
I feel the nations of the earth are shaking
There is no power that can match His grace
Lift up your head, lift up your eyes to see

All of creation is waiting and longing
For sons and daughter to declare this truth
Lift up your head, lift up your voice and sing

He Is the Light, shining in the darkness
He is the Hope, Hope of all the nations
He is the Light, he is the Light for all the world to see

I feel that faith across the earth is rising
We prophecy about His Kingdom coming
Just like Heaven, all across the earth

He Is the Light, shining in the darkness
He is the Hope, Hope of all the nations
He is the Light, he is the Light for all the world to see

He Is the Light, shining in the darkness
He is the Hope, Hope of all the nations
He is the Light, he is the Light for all the world to see

Great, Great is the Lord
Praise His Name
Praise His Name

Great, Great is the Lord
Praise His Name
Praise His Name

And we sing
Great, Great is the Lord
Praise His Name
Praise His Name

And we sing
Great, Great is the Lord
Praise His Name
Praise His Name

He Is the Light, shining in the darkness
He is the Hope, Hope of all the nations
He is the Light, he is the Light for all the world to see

He Is the Light, shining in the darkness
He is the Hope, Hope of all the nations
He is the Light, he is the Light for all the world to see