Tag Archives: Anniversary

Two Years Of The Bottom of a Bottle

It’s hard to believe that I actually started this blog two years ago today, well I started writing in preparation a week or so before, but I didn’t actually have the nerve to go live with my story.  I had looked at various blogging sites and searched on tips for blogging, I had written a number of posts which would form most of my early uploads, yet I sat on it all, hiding what it was I had to say to the world.

Then on the morning of Saturday 6th October 2012, I went for a walk, it was a normal Newark morning for October, cold and wet, nothing out of the ordinary, just another Saturday morning.  As always I walked with my iPod on, playing songs that I had heard many times before, then a song came on that changed everything, the lines of that song are the words in the banner at the top of this page, those words reduced me to tears and I felt I knew what I had to do, to take a leap of that precipice and tell my story, all the inner most thoughts, the embarrassing and shameful parts, everything, warts and all.

Since that Saturday evening when I posted that first post and about me page, I’ve added 950 posts including this one, in addition using 496 different songs by 142 different artists, not to mention hundreds of photos of sunrises, sunsets, Bible Verses and other random stuff.

I had never really written anything before starting this blog, I had started a journal earlier in the year, just a matter of days before I became sober, when I read back some of the entries I had written I actually surprised myself, obviously I further surprised myself when I started writing the numerous blog posts over the last two years.

One of the biggest surprises has been the fact I’ve posted 145 poems in that time also.  I hated poetry writing at school, I don’t think I had written a poem in almost 30 years when I tried my hand at a few poems.  I actually now dislike some of my early attempts, I feel back then I was trying to force out words just for the sake of it, rather now I only write poems when I have a strong feeling that the words are something more than my own thoughts.  Sometimes, I have to sit on them for a while, wait, think and pray on them before I decide to form a verse with them, but I have to say, I now longer doubt myself when I post my poems, not like I did in the early days, back then I was apprehensive about them, but not anymore.  Having said that, I don’t dislike all my early poems, there are a couple of my earliest that are among my favourites, but as I’ve said before there were many of those early ones I never really connected with, now I connect with them all.

It’s been a long journey over the last two years, with some ups and downs, but I have to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my posts, to like them and to comment on them.  I am especially thankful for every comment I get, I know I may not respond to them all, but believe me, I read them all and I’m extremely grateful for everyone of them, many have given me hope when times have been dark and kept me going with my writing when I was close to giving up, once again I thank you all.

I’m not sure what the next twelve months will bring for me and this blog, but for now I will keep writing and sharing my journey with you all.

But I guess the biggest shout of thanks should be sang to The Father, He has given me this story to share, He inspires my words and when I feel the most vulnerable He gives me the confidence to share.

SOVEREIGN LORD by KALLEY HEILIGENTHAL & WILLIAM MATTHEWS
Though I walk through the midst of my troubles
You fulfill your purpose in me
I lift my head from the dirt to see those eyes
I feel a peace in the wind to my surprise

You are sovereign Lord and I bless you
You are perfect in nature

Keeping My Head High Amid The Turmoil

Last week seems so long ago now, this last weekend saw the last of series of great anniversaries, since then it’s been such a busy week, I really just want to sleep so much, but I have so much to do also, oh well, I’ve always said I function better when I’m busy!

Today holds another selection of anniversaries, both good and bad, to top that off this week my financial nightmares began to bite again, another storm to walk through, but I am keeping my head up, walking tall and trusting that only good can come of this situation.

Firstly, if you have read my post Wylie & Me, about the death of my dog Wylie Burp, you will understand how badly that affected me at a time when life was falling apart, it sped up the process somewhat, my drinking began to steadily increase and I lived in increasing isolation from those around me, my ability to communicate my problems diminished and I climbed down in to the pit.  A certain part of me died that day, but I must say that having wrote the article about Wylie, I have come to terms with the regret and remorse, I see him in the good times we had together and sometimes wish he was walking with me in the mornings, he would have loved that.

Today hold another anniversary of sorts, sixteen years ago I was introduced to Victoria by her Mum!  Victoria’s brothers had been coming to my karate classes for some time, she would sometimes come to watch, but to be honest I hadn’t really noticed her.  It was the day of my sister’s wedding, as my parents only knew one person with a video camera, that was Victoria’s mum, Viv, so they asked her to record the wedding and the evening do.  During the break after the wedding, you know the bit where the photo’s are being taken and everyone jostles for position, except me I hate photographs, I got to talking with Viv, where she told me how much Victoria liked me and that she would bring her to the evening do.

So during the evening do, as the night progressed, it got towards the end of the night when the slow songs are played, well naturally I asked Victoria to dance, which she agreed to, we hadn’t really spoken much at that point, but that was the first time I really noticed her and indeed danced with her.  It would be four weeks later when Viv engineered an evening together for us, where we talked about what we wanted from life and everything inbetween.  From that evening we saw each other everyday for almost eight years, until I went away for the first time with the JKA England squad to Norway for the European Championships.

I don’t think she remembers these significant dates, I understand that, but I remember, I may have drifted away a couple of years ago, I may have buried these memories myself for a while, maybe a prerequisite of entering the pit was to forget, but now I remember all the great moments and long to continue building a library of those, only time will tell, I just continue to pray about the situation.

Then to the finances, to be honest I am struggling to survive on the wages I earn, simply the repayments of the debts I amassed during the lost years in the pit are swallowing what’s left of my wages, since Victoria lost her job last year and the Government at the same time in their wisdom slashed our Working Families Tax Credits things have been tight, but never as tight as this, less than two weeks after being paid and I have no money left until the end of the month, it’s drags me down, but I refuse to be beaten by it, I pray about that too, I pray a lot to be completely honest.

But I wont return to where I was, that pit has been filled in, there is no entry there anymore, I may have slid back for a while last month, the lonely feelings returned for a moment, but I found through prayer a strength to pull through, so I face these storms this time looking forward directly into the eye, because this time I know I have someone behind me, I know this time whatever I face I don’t face it alone, even though I may not have faced it alone last time, this time I stand tall and fight.

I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a Friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I’m holding onto Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
(Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) by Chris Tomlin)

Giving Praise For The Sacrifice That Made This All Possible

I’VE MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s finally here, after twelve long months, sometimes easy, sometimes hard, sometimes painful and sometimes emotional, the rollercoaster ride that’s been rumbling along for 364 days finally moves into it’s 365th and the celebrations begin.

On this day one year ago I took that last drink, it wasn’t my design to pick this date, I didn’t know that the first anniversary would land on Good Friday, I didn’t even realise that until a few weeks ago, but it feels ever more special that it lands upon this special day.

So today I give thanks, thanks in so many ways to so many people, but for the moment I give thanks to just one, the One that died upon the cross, the One that laid down His life, He did all that for our sins, for my sins. 

All this that I celebrate today is only possible because of that sacrifice, the sacrifice of Christ upon the cross.

And I remember the nails that You took for me
When You died in my shame and iniquity
Jesus, You have set me free
The thorns of my pain You wore in a crown
When You bowed Your head
Your love was poured out
And my chains hit the ground
(Chains Hit The Ground by Leeland)