Tag Archives: Anxiety

Fear And Shadows – Proverbs 12:25

Fear And Shadows – Proverbs 12:25

Weighed down by the lack of hope
Set in shadow by the fear
As anxiety holds to these bones
A heart and mind can’t break free
Oh who can bring this soul some light
Who could lift this weight
Maybe I just need a kind word
Just one to set this soul alight

Proverbs 12:25

Proverbs 12:25

2800 Days, 400 Weeks Sober

2800 Days, 400 Weeks Sober

From a time it would be hard to imagine getting through one day without alcohol to 2800 days, 400 weeks later, now it’s hard to imagine how I could have got this far without the Grace and the Strength of the Lord, none of this could be done without His love.

Before I wasn’t a nice person to be around when I tried not to drink, there were times when I had no money left and fought the urge to take what money I can find in the house to get a drink. I was short tempered and on edge, pacing around, snapping at the kids.  On those night’s Victoria would give me the money she had saved for food or bills, she said she couldn’t have me in the house like this, I was better to be around drinking, than not, that wasn’t normal, was it?

Somewhere deep down I guess I knew there was a problem, but that’s it with addiction isn’t it, it won’t let you admit it.  I was more comfortable drifting off into a deep sleep with a body pulsing with alcohol than spending quality time with those who loved me.

Before I realised how bad it was, I had lost the person I loved most, thankfully the kids never saw the worst of it, I wasn’t violent or abusive, in fact given the amount I drank I never lost control, I just got comfortable.  But as time went on it took more and more to get to that point, to get to the point I could sleep through the night.

My excuse, it was so I could relax and sleep, get through my problems without sinking, not much of an excuse I know.  I was convinced I was in control, not until I realised I had lost Victoria, did I realise how bad I was and how in reality I had lost myself.  In a way I hadn’t lost her, I guess she had lost the real me.

Even before the day I so wanted to take my own life, before my soon to be Pastor came to see me, before I made that first prayer, I can see the path to recovery that God had laid out to me.

He brought people into my life that would be the ones who helped me through those early weeks of recovery.  He put his word in my heart through music, four years before I turned to God, I had begun listening to Christian Alternative and Rock music, I sang along, not understanding the truth within it, but it was there for a reason, steps to come home to.

No one said it would be an easy ride, it hasn’t been.

Within a few weeks of quitting drinking, the withdrawals set in and the aches and pain almost became unbearable, to the point I felt drinking again was the only freedom from it.

I soon found out that is was prayer that set me free from the pain and the pull of the bottle.

At times I struggle with depression and anxiety, I’ve had a spell on anti depressants.  Currently I have to take mild anti depressant for persistent headaches that I’ve had since June, they’ve been diagnosed as tension headaches, some days they get me down, others aren’t too bad, light makes it worse, so I now wear glasses for reading etc, but also if I find the lights bringing my headache on.

I’ve been through periods of anxiety and suffered only a few weeks ago from a series of panic attacks, it made life difficult for a few weeks.

But I keep fighting, keep counting those days.

In truth, it may been 400 weeks, but this is just the start of the journey, just the beginning of a journey through life with God, everyday is a step in His grace, a day to be thankful for, even in the depression, the anxiety, the pain, I can still be thankful that He loved me enough to save me.

A few weeks ago I came across this song when I heard Dolly Parton had sung a it at the recent Country Music Awards Ceremony, over here in the UK we don’t really know much about Country Music, but most people know who Dolly is, there is after all only one Dolly Parton.  Once I heard the live version I sought out the original and came across Zach Williams’ album, I love it, but this song I have had on repeat for most of the last few weeks, I feel it could have almost been written for me, it expresses exactly how I feel, through everything THERE WAS JESUS.

THERE WAS JESUS by ZACH WILLIAMS & DOLLY PARTON
Every time I try to make it on my own
Every time I try to stand, I start to fall
And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on
There was Jesus

When the life I built came crashing to the ground
When the friends I had were nowhere to be found
I couldn’t see it then but I can see it now
There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus

For this man who needs amazing kind of grace
For forgiveness and a price I couldn’t pay
I’m not perfect so I thank God every day
There was Jesus
There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it

There was Jesus
On the mountains
In the valleys
There was Jesus
In the shadows
Of the alleys

There was Jesus
In the fire, in the flood
There was Jesus
Always is and always was, oh

No, I never walk alone
Never walk alone
You’re always there

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus

There was Jesus
There was Jesus
There was Jesus

Wilderness – 1 Kings 19:3-4

Wilderness – 1 Kings 19:3-4

I’ve been there before
Just like a bush in the wilderness
Where with tear stained face
I begged You to take my life
I couldn’t go on
Wanted it no more
And this prayer You answered
Still not as I wished
You promised whatever I go through
You would go through with me
Whatever I faced
You would face it too
Side by side
Through it all
Until the day
When it’s time to come home

1 Kings 19:3-4

1 Kings 19:3-4

Verse of the Day – 1 Kings 2:3-4

1 Kings 2:3-4

1 Kings 2:3-4

It’s been an up and down sort of week, in some moments I feel low and other I feel myself, some things have gone well and other things just won’t fall into place.  But through it all, the highs and lows, I have held on to the Lord, I have tried to keep His commandments, although at times I know I have failed in the low moments.

I actually feel like I am in a slightly better place than I was last week, in being in honest about how I feel, I have actually been able to deal with it better.  There is still a long way to go and a few battles to be fought over the next month or so, but I am putting up a fight with the Lord at my side.

If I keep doing that, keep fighting, keep praising and keep praying, I believe the new year will bring something new, something great.

THE ANTHEM by JESUS CULTURE & JAKE HAMILTON
I can hear the footsteps of my King
I can hear His heartbeat beckoning
In my darkness He has set me free
And now I hear the Spirit calling me

Wake up child
It’s your time to shine
You were born for such a time as this

I can hear a holy rumbling
I’ve begun to preach another King
Loosing chains and breaking down the walls
I want to hear the Father when He calls

This is the anthem of our generation
Here we are God, shake our nation
All we need is Your love
You captivate me

I am royalty
I have destiny
I have been set free
I’m gonna shape history

A Season Is Coming – Psalm 42:5-6

A Season Is Coming – Psalm 42:5-6

A season is coming
It dawns upon me
I’ve been here before
Seem it’s that time of year
My soul is downcast
Disturbed by what is to come
I’ve sat through the dark nights
Feeling the chill upon my soul
Where everything becomes empty
And tears are all I hold
A season is coming
It dawns slowly upon me
Yet I know I will feel alone
Still the truth is I will never be
As this season falls around me
My Lord will be there through it all
Though the going will be hard
My Lord takes each step with me
And I know I’ve been through it before
Each time I walk into sunshine in the end
This time will be no different
With my Lord I will make it through again

Psalm 42:5-6

Psalm 42:5-6

My Miracle (Psalm 42:5)

My Miracle (Psalm 42:5)

I walked so far this morning
With my soul so downcast
A mist had descended
Spreading from the corners of my mind
Inside so much turmoil
A heart pulled apart
So much doubt raging through my mind
Still in a simple moment
Your voice I heard call
You said You would be my miracle
If my hope remained in You
My praise rose from below
I sang out to Your name
So here I am now believing
You will be my miracle once again

Psalm 42:5

Psalm 42:5

Walls (Philippians 4:6-8)

Walls (Philippians 4:6-8)

Crisis will come
Once in a while
We’ll face the walls
We just can’t break down
Anxiety before us
A barrier to our senses
Tears upon our sleeves
Wiped from the emptiness of our eyes
Our hope erodes
As we build our walls ever high
Where do we look
Who’s eyes do we seek
In this instant of fear
Where do we place our hope

Then in that moment
A voice so peaceful reminds us
Where we should be
What we should do

So here we are
We fall to our knees
Our eyes close
As tears continue to fall
There we call His name
The name above all others
Our prayers form in our mind
Breaking fear it reaches our lips
Like sparks from our tongue
Our fear rises to heaven
He answers our call
Before us our wall will fall
Dust will rise and settle
Tears of fear turn to joy
At the touch of the Lord

There we rise once more
High above the world
No walls stand before
We become so free
Released by our Lord
No anxiety will hold us
No fears control our soul

So fall upon Your knees
All those before the wall
Call upon His name
And watch your walls fall

Philippians 4:6-8

Philippians 4:6-8

Cast If Off (1 Peter 5:7)

Cast If Off (1 Peter 5:7)

Does my heart lie
With all that breaks me down
Do I have to carry
The weight of all my fears
No more can I walk
With this burden upon my shoulders

So I cast it off
On to the One who died for me
I pass the burden
Of my anxiety to the One who saves
I walk free once more
Because the One who loves releases me

1 Peter 5:7

1 Peter 5:7

Flooded Mind

Flooded Mind

While toxic thoughts swim through a flooded mind
Chaos and fury a season of emotions
I can taste the steel upon my skin
The coldness against the heat within

Is this the end as my skies go dark
A clouded moment over a lost mind
A heart singing and yearning for freedom
Cloaked by a soul empty of it’s hope

The yells within the poisoned mind
Fall silent against the whispering voice
You’re here today, now I see the sun once more
As the metal falls to it’s porcelain grave

The whispers I hold tight against the chaos
My tears fall into the white below
I catch a few, still You catch them all
There is hope today as the darkness falls