Tag Archives: Anxiety

Misery And The Bottle – Proverbs 31:6-7

Misery And The Bottle – Proverbs 31:6-7

My misery
No longer ties to the bottle
And the brokenness ti brought
Faded away
The beer
The wine
Seem all so distant
Not found upon this path
I walk with the Lord
With Him I find my joy
And the strength to leave my past
And the bottle no longer holds me
Released from deep within it’s grasp

Proverbs 31:6-7
Proverbs 31:6-7

Sound Of Thunder – Psalm 29:3-4

Sound Of Thunder – Psalm 29:3-4

The sound like thunder
Came over the waves
To meet yonder shore
Where a lone child hid
Hiding from the world
His shame and the pain
But in the thunder a voice
That broke through his shame
The voice of the Lord
Burnt through the darkness
The power of the voice
Lifted the soul
And carried him home
To a kingdom to belong to
No longer alone
Or hiding in shame

Psalm 29:3-4
Psalm 29:3-4

Anxious – Philippians 4:6-8

Anxious – Philippians 4:6-8

Tasted the anxious
Held to the panic
Let it gather
And grip
I let it guide the heart
Helpless to fight against
I tried to climb above it
Put myself before it’s worth
But it seems to hold
Ever tighter
Just not letting go
I leave it so late to pray
But why?
As He always hears me
Always answers my cry
That’s when the grip slips away
It’s hold broken for now
And in His arms I fall
Free to enjoy His favour
Safe within His love

Philippians 4:6-8
Philippians 4:6-8

My Destruction – Proverbs 16:18

My Destruction – Proverbs 16:18

My destruction
All my pride
Could it all have been avoided
If I had opened up my world
Let them in sooner
To the darkness
And the despair
Could the fall have been less
If not for stubborn pride
A typical man
Wouldn’t show my weakness
Not until it was too late
And all came down
Then pride fell
And the light came in
To set me free
From the worst of myself
To open the doors
To a better path
To a better life

Proverbs 16:18
Proverbs 16:18

Just Hold On – Isaiah 35:4

Just Hold On – Isaiah 35:4

To all those
Treading the same paths
I wandered once before
Times long ago
When the bottle
A strange partner
In an effort
To break my world
To you
I say this
Hold on
Be strong
I know the pain
The emptiness
The despair
But He will come
Just wait
Stay strong
The world will change
Darkness to light
Hope from despair
So fear not
The time will come
Just hold on

Isaiah 35:4
Isaiah 35:4

My Own Darkness – Job 19:8

My Own Darkness – Job 19:8

Too many times
My own thoughts
My inner self
My own darkness
Forms the walls
That block my way
Shutting out the light
Fencing me in
The dark paces
My mind creates
Still He shines the light
That breaks on through
Taking down the walls
That block the way
Igniting the fires
The ones deep within
That dissolve the darkness
Leaving only my light

Job 19:8
Job 19:8

Fear And Shadows – Proverbs 12:25

Fear And Shadows – Proverbs 12:25

Weighed down by the lack of hope
Set in shadow by the fear
As anxiety holds to these bones
A heart and mind can’t break free
Oh who can bring this soul some light
Who could lift this weight
Maybe I just need a kind word
Just one to set this soul alight

Proverbs 12:25

Proverbs 12:25

2800 Days, 400 Weeks Sober

2800 Days, 400 Weeks Sober

From a time it would be hard to imagine getting through one day without alcohol to 2800 days, 400 weeks later, now it’s hard to imagine how I could have got this far without the Grace and the Strength of the Lord, none of this could be done without His love.

Before I wasn’t a nice person to be around when I tried not to drink, there were times when I had no money left and fought the urge to take what money I can find in the house to get a drink. I was short tempered and on edge, pacing around, snapping at the kids.  On those night’s Victoria would give me the money she had saved for food or bills, she said she couldn’t have me in the house like this, I was better to be around drinking, than not, that wasn’t normal, was it?

Somewhere deep down I guess I knew there was a problem, but that’s it with addiction isn’t it, it won’t let you admit it.  I was more comfortable drifting off into a deep sleep with a body pulsing with alcohol than spending quality time with those who loved me.

Before I realised how bad it was, I had lost the person I loved most, thankfully the kids never saw the worst of it, I wasn’t violent or abusive, in fact given the amount I drank I never lost control, I just got comfortable.  But as time went on it took more and more to get to that point, to get to the point I could sleep through the night.

My excuse, it was so I could relax and sleep, get through my problems without sinking, not much of an excuse I know.  I was convinced I was in control, not until I realised I had lost Victoria, did I realise how bad I was and how in reality I had lost myself.  In a way I hadn’t lost her, I guess she had lost the real me.

Even before the day I so wanted to take my own life, before my soon to be Pastor came to see me, before I made that first prayer, I can see the path to recovery that God had laid out to me.

He brought people into my life that would be the ones who helped me through those early weeks of recovery.  He put his word in my heart through music, four years before I turned to God, I had begun listening to Christian Alternative and Rock music, I sang along, not understanding the truth within it, but it was there for a reason, steps to come home to.

No one said it would be an easy ride, it hasn’t been.

Within a few weeks of quitting drinking, the withdrawals set in and the aches and pain almost became unbearable, to the point I felt drinking again was the only freedom from it.

I soon found out that is was prayer that set me free from the pain and the pull of the bottle.

At times I struggle with depression and anxiety, I’ve had a spell on anti depressants.  Currently I have to take mild anti depressant for persistent headaches that I’ve had since June, they’ve been diagnosed as tension headaches, some days they get me down, others aren’t too bad, light makes it worse, so I now wear glasses for reading etc, but also if I find the lights bringing my headache on.

I’ve been through periods of anxiety and suffered only a few weeks ago from a series of panic attacks, it made life difficult for a few weeks.

But I keep fighting, keep counting those days.

In truth, it may been 400 weeks, but this is just the start of the journey, just the beginning of a journey through life with God, everyday is a step in His grace, a day to be thankful for, even in the depression, the anxiety, the pain, I can still be thankful that He loved me enough to save me.

A few weeks ago I came across this song when I heard Dolly Parton had sung a it at the recent Country Music Awards Ceremony, over here in the UK we don’t really know much about Country Music, but most people know who Dolly is, there is after all only one Dolly Parton.  Once I heard the live version I sought out the original and came across Zach Williams’ album, I love it, but this song I have had on repeat for most of the last few weeks, I feel it could have almost been written for me, it expresses exactly how I feel, through everything THERE WAS JESUS.

THERE WAS JESUS by ZACH WILLIAMS & DOLLY PARTON
Every time I try to make it on my own
Every time I try to stand, I start to fall
And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on
There was Jesus

When the life I built came crashing to the ground
When the friends I had were nowhere to be found
I couldn’t see it then but I can see it now
There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus

For this man who needs amazing kind of grace
For forgiveness and a price I couldn’t pay
I’m not perfect so I thank God every day
There was Jesus
There was Jesus

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it

There was Jesus
On the mountains
In the valleys
There was Jesus
In the shadows
Of the alleys

There was Jesus
In the fire, in the flood
There was Jesus
Always is and always was, oh

No, I never walk alone
Never walk alone
You’re always there

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus

There was Jesus
There was Jesus
There was Jesus

Wilderness – 1 Kings 19:3-4

Wilderness – 1 Kings 19:3-4

I’ve been there before
Just like a bush in the wilderness
Where with tear stained face
I begged You to take my life
I couldn’t go on
Wanted it no more
And this prayer You answered
Still not as I wished
You promised whatever I go through
You would go through with me
Whatever I faced
You would face it too
Side by side
Through it all
Until the day
When it’s time to come home

1 Kings 19:3-4

1 Kings 19:3-4

Verse of the Day – 1 Kings 2:3-4

1 Kings 2:3-4

1 Kings 2:3-4

It’s been an up and down sort of week, in some moments I feel low and other I feel myself, some things have gone well and other things just won’t fall into place.  But through it all, the highs and lows, I have held on to the Lord, I have tried to keep His commandments, although at times I know I have failed in the low moments.

I actually feel like I am in a slightly better place than I was last week, in being in honest about how I feel, I have actually been able to deal with it better.  There is still a long way to go and a few battles to be fought over the next month or so, but I am putting up a fight with the Lord at my side.

If I keep doing that, keep fighting, keep praising and keep praying, I believe the new year will bring something new, something great.

THE ANTHEM by JESUS CULTURE & JAKE HAMILTON
I can hear the footsteps of my King
I can hear His heartbeat beckoning
In my darkness He has set me free
And now I hear the Spirit calling me

Wake up child
It’s your time to shine
You were born for such a time as this

I can hear a holy rumbling
I’ve begun to preach another King
Loosing chains and breaking down the walls
I want to hear the Father when He calls

This is the anthem of our generation
Here we are God, shake our nation
All we need is Your love
You captivate me

I am royalty
I have destiny
I have been set free
I’m gonna shape history