Why Me? – Romans 7:24-25
Why me?
How am I worth it?
Just a wretch
Deep in his sin
Sinking in a bottle
Unable to live
Yet still He came
His words were heard
Where the bottle faded
Temptation with it
Broken set free
Rebuilt by faith
Risen to find life
By the sacrifice of Christ
Who paid this debt
Amassed in sin
To set a man free
To live from within
But still I ask
Why me?
Romans 7:24-25
A Mind In The Bottle – 1 Peter 1:13
Where was my mind
Of tortured torment and turmoil
Trying to find a way out
Searching for a reason
For being stuck in that bottle
Not wanting to return
Still one can only take so much
Before a heart and soul can break
Where no matter what the comfort zone
You still need a way to move on
But how and why
It’s so cosy there
Trapped inside that bottle
Where nothing makes much sense
Yet no one can reach you
You’ve shut out the ones you love
And the world outside doesn’t give two hoots
What was the point i n carrying on
You can cry all your tears
Blame the world for all you like
But the walls keep closing in
And the air within the bottle gets so very tight
But at the moment of the breaking
It takes all the strength you have
To turn oneself into a hypocrite
And cry out to the Lord
On someone come save me
Of this drowning I can take no more
Still no matter where you find yourself
The cries are answered by the Lord
He who breaks down all walls before Him
Rips apart the barriers we build
No one is beyond saving
Who cries out to our God
Now with a sober mindset
I can look back on those times
And in these words I’ve written here
You can clearly see where was my mind
But now it’s been set free by grace
Release to a world beyond the bottle
By the saviour who heard the cries
Of a s self tortured mind
So this mind now lives in the hope
To see the Christ at His returning
1 Peter 1:13
Well at times it’s not been an easy ride, sometimes painful both physically and mentally, then sometimes it’s been easy going and fun.
From a time when the thought of getting through a night without a drink was a testing time, when even the people around me would rather I had a drink than try to go without, to now when the thought of drinking, even in the bad times seems so far away, it’s hard to believe I am the same person, only better I hope.
I guess writing this last paragraph has made think, was I better person drinking or sober back then, because it seems I was better to be around if I was drinking. I think I know the answer and sadly I think it was probably the former.
I guess the frustration of life that led to the drinking, then became the frustration of not having that comfort zone of where the drink would take me when I wanted to escape the frustration of life. Just a circle of frustration, day after day.
I know I would pace around, I was restless and irritable, I would take it out on those around me, not physically, but just my attitude, I would be quick tempered and my words would be nasty or rude, especially to my young kids. Eventually the frustration led to nervously scratching at the skin on my arms, until sometimes they would bleed, this is who I became…
A man who could not deal with the frustration of life.
Then when the world around me fell apart, that’s when He came into my life, part of me I guess was trying to find a Saviour, but I believe He had over the previous four years been setting thoughts in my mind that would lead me to Him when I needed Him the most. The music I had been listening to, the people that came into my life, they all came together when I needed help the most.
And then, when I finally found myself in a position to pray and ask for help, there it was and the feeling when I knew my prayer had been answered was so joyful it began to change everything.
Life is not easy now, I still have the chest problems that have bothered me since the beginning of the year, I’m still coughing so hard I nearly pass out. Some days it maybe only be a couple of times, others it can be a couple of times an hour. On top of that the headaches that plagued me last summer have come back too, to say I am worn out is an understatement , but life could be a lost worst, I am alive, I am still kicking and I am still sober, I will keep going.
So here’s to the nest 3000 days and wherever that leads me.
SHINE ON by NEEDTOBREATHE
Somewhere between the end
And the point where we begin
There’s a fire burning brightly
That’s found it’s way to dim
When the feeling’s gone…
Shine on Shine on
and onto something new its long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on shine on
And let the other’s see you’ve got your victory
Will you remember me
I was with you in the valley
And up upon that hill
So take just one more step in front of you
For I am with you still you still
And you’re not alone
Shine on Shine on
And onto something new its long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on shine on
And let the other’s see you’ve got your victory
Will you remember me
Can you see my hands are open I am waiting just ahead
And you think you need it all now
But you needed me instead
Shine on shine on shine on shine on won’t you won’t you shine
Shine on Shine on
And onto something new its long and overdue
I will remember you
Shine on shine on
And let the other’s see you’ve got your victory
Will you remember me
Somewhere between the end and the point where we began
2800 Days, 400 Weeks Sober
From a time it would be hard to imagine getting through one day without alcohol to 2800 days, 400 weeks later, now it’s hard to imagine how I could have got this far without the Grace and the Strength of the Lord, none of this could be done without His love.
Before I wasn’t a nice person to be around when I tried not to drink, there were times when I had no money left and fought the urge to take what money I can find in the house to get a drink. I was short tempered and on edge, pacing around, snapping at the kids. On those night’s Victoria would give me the money she had saved for food or bills, she said she couldn’t have me in the house like this, I was better to be around drinking, than not, that wasn’t normal, was it?
Somewhere deep down I guess I knew there was a problem, but that’s it with addiction isn’t it, it won’t let you admit it. I was more comfortable drifting off into a deep sleep with a body pulsing with alcohol than spending quality time with those who loved me.
Before I realised how bad it was, I had lost the person I loved most, thankfully the kids never saw the worst of it, I wasn’t violent or abusive, in fact given the amount I drank I never lost control, I just got comfortable. But as time went on it took more and more to get to that point, to get to the point I could sleep through the night.
My excuse, it was so I could relax and sleep, get through my problems without sinking, not much of an excuse I know. I was convinced I was in control, not until I realised I had lost Victoria, did I realise how bad I was and how in reality I had lost myself. In a way I hadn’t lost her, I guess she had lost the real me.
Even before the day I so wanted to take my own life, before my soon to be Pastor came to see me, before I made that first prayer, I can see the path to recovery that God had laid out to me.
He brought people into my life that would be the ones who helped me through those early weeks of recovery. He put his word in my heart through music, four years before I turned to God, I had begun listening to Christian Alternative and Rock music, I sang along, not understanding the truth within it, but it was there for a reason, steps to come home to.
No one said it would be an easy ride, it hasn’t been.
Within a few weeks of quitting drinking, the withdrawals set in and the aches and pain almost became unbearable, to the point I felt drinking again was the only freedom from it.
I soon found out that is was prayer that set me free from the pain and the pull of the bottle.
At times I struggle with depression and anxiety, I’ve had a spell on anti depressants. Currently I have to take mild anti depressant for persistent headaches that I’ve had since June, they’ve been diagnosed as tension headaches, some days they get me down, others aren’t too bad, light makes it worse, so I now wear glasses for reading etc, but also if I find the lights bringing my headache on.
I’ve been through periods of anxiety and suffered only a few weeks ago from a series of panic attacks, it made life difficult for a few weeks.
But I keep fighting, keep counting those days.
In truth, it may been 400 weeks, but this is just the start of the journey, just the beginning of a journey through life with God, everyday is a step in His grace, a day to be thankful for, even in the depression, the anxiety, the pain, I can still be thankful that He loved me enough to save me.
A few weeks ago I came across this song when I heard Dolly Parton had sung a it at the recent Country Music Awards Ceremony, over here in the UK we don’t really know much about Country Music, but most people know who Dolly is, there is after all only one Dolly Parton. Once I heard the live version I sought out the original and came across Zach Williams’ album, I love it, but this song I have had on repeat for most of the last few weeks, I feel it could have almost been written for me, it expresses exactly how I feel, through everything THERE WAS JESUS.
THERE WAS JESUS by ZACH WILLIAMS & DOLLY PARTON
Every time I try to make it on my own
Every time I try to stand, I start to fall
And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on
There was Jesus
When the life I built came crashing to the ground
When the friends I had were nowhere to be found
I couldn’t see it then but I can see it now
There was Jesus
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
For this man who needs amazing kind of grace
For forgiveness and a price I couldn’t pay
I’m not perfect so I thank God every day
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
On the mountains
In the valleys
There was Jesus
In the shadows
Of the alleys
There was Jesus
In the fire, in the flood
There was Jesus
Always is and always was, oh
No, I never walk alone
Never walk alone
You’re always there
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
Letting Go – Exodus 10:4
I remember those days
With the bottle I couldn’t let go
I tried to put it down
Still it’s pull was beyond my strength
Each day got so much worse
Spiralling down to out of control
Until the Lord came calling
To give me the strength to let go
And there I found my life
One so different from before
To make it through each day
Together with my Lord
Exodus 10:4
The Caged Beast – Romans 16:20
If there’s ever a moment
Ever a time
The time is now
The moment is here
Lord, the beast within is stirring
Messing with my mind
It’s taking my hopes
Attacking my dreams
And I am falling
Deeper and deeper
To where it lies
Deep within the pit
From which You pulled me out
Oh, my Lord
Here I am
Struggling against the grip
Of this beast inside
Oh, my Lord
I pray to crush my enemy
Set it beneath Your feet
So when the evening comes
I feel Your peace
And when sleep arrives
This days is forgotten
And I am free
Just one more time
From the caged beast
The beast inside
Romans 16:20
Broken By A Dream
I know I have been here before, I’ve had bad dreams before, reoccurring dreams that in some way get you every time. But this one is beyond reoccurring, it tortures in a way that messes with the mind. I know that I am not the only who suffers from these, I have read many recovering alcoholics write or talk of the same dreams, feel the same pain, anguish and guilt.
When I dream in this way the guilt runs through me hard, when I first wake I can’t get my head around the true reality, usually within minutes I can get my head around it, not today though.
These dreams, dreams where I see myself drinking, alone or with others, but nonetheless drinking, where in the dream there is a moment of realisation and then the guilt hits, that is usually when I wake. In waking it’s like the dream continues, it hard to tell the difference between the dream and reality.
I used to get these fairly regularly, every couple of months or so, but in the last year I have only suffered from one of these, that was some months ago, over the years they come less and less, generally easier to deal with too.
Before I have even got up and walked around my room and even the house to check that there are no empty bottles, no evidence that the dream was actually real. Once I have satisfied myself it was all a dream the guilt and the sense of panic goes. For a while I may feel guilty, like I’ve thrown it all away, but usually within minutes this subsides, I get my head straight and carry on to face the day.
But not today.
The early panic hit when I awoke from my dream. But this was different, I couldn’t shake the feeling that although I may not have drank last night, but that I had definitely drank at some point during the last seven and half years. Though in my heart I know that I haven’t, that I haven’t thrown anything away, my mind kept telling me I had.
After a while it all settled down, I seemed to get my head straight and move on, as before. Then I got up to get ready for church, I stood in the shower and all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe, I was so short of breath, my chest was pounding and everything went numb. I have had panic attacks before, I know how they feel, but never this severe, this relentless, I stood paralyzed beneath the running water, I couldn’t move, only struggle for breath and cry.
Eventually, I got myself out of the shower, but I was shaking, I don’t know how long I was in there, must have been at least ten minutes. But the panic attacks kept coming in waves, I would struggle for breath, cry for a while and then it cleared, only to follow the same cycle.
I forced myself out of the house and on empty legs made it to Church. During the walk, the panic kept coming, not as severe, but bad enough.
Then once I got there, I just stood there shaking, until someone spoke to me. From that point onwards, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t breathe again, I broke down to my friend Richard and explained it all. We went to one of the quiet rooms upstairs to talk about it and gradually I began to calm down and come back around. Over the course of the morning, I spoke with Richard and few close friends, ones that know and understand my story and also know of these dreams, they all offered prayers and support.
It’s hard to explain these dreams and feelings to others that have no experience or reference point to compare. The killer is the guilt, it makes me feel like I’ve let everyone down, like I failed myself and in turned failed my friends and the Lord Himself.
I can put my hand on my heart and swear I have not touched a drink since Thursday 29th March 2012, for two thousand, seven hundred and forty seven days, I have kept the beast at bay.
Today it did not want to stay caged anymore, if it couldn’t make me drink,
it was out to destroy my mind, my heart and my faith.
I’m working it all out, I’m gradually getting my head around it, it was after all just a dream, but I guess it has triggered something deeper inside.
I feel for too long I’ve held everything within, I know I have in my own way been struggling for at least twelve months, I’ve tried to push through on my own, without bothering anyone else, but you can only push so far alone. Today I think was the day when it all had to come out. A few things have been troubling me over the summer, I’ve tried to deal with them and just get on with it, but I think today it all became too much, today it hit the surface.
I have friends coming over later to chat, friends I know I can be genuine with, explain it all, they probably know my story, my fears and my struggles better than anyone else, they know of my past experience with these dreams, I know this can only be a good thing.
I haven’t written too much in the way of stories or articles in the last year or so, I have put all my hurt and struggle into my daily poems, but never fully addressed them. In a poem I can touch on a subject without getting into explanations, maybe I hide behind them sometimes, but I write them with a truthful heart, sometimes with the pain, sometimes the hope and sometimes the fear, but I still understand I have been hiding and now is the time to stop, to be honest.
In being honest, I know I will help myself deal with this guilt and maybe help others understand that maybe they aren’t the only ones that feel this way too.
I started this blog exactly seven years ago today, maybe the time is right to get back to what I started to do when I began this blog, talk about exactly how I feel. I’m going to continue with the daily poems, but I am also going to start writing like this again too, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, but I am definitely going to write more and deal with my feelings again.
Time to stop hiding.
THE HURT AND THE HEALER by MERCYME
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say it’s over now
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ll fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
In That Moment – Psalm 29:3-4
In that moment
Above all the chaos
And the screams within
This tortured mind
A voice spoke louder
Like thunder to me
Yet still a peaceful whisper
The power of the voice
Set down the blade
And cut the chains free
One that day
In that moment
I heard His voice
One that set me free
From the chaos
And addiction’s chains
Now forever thankful
For that day
And that moment
Psalm 29:3-4
Under Grace Thrives – Romans 15:13
Another day
Yet another year
Where hope is living
Under grace thrives
Where peace conquers
The shame of my addictions
And the love of the Lord
Shines so ever brightly
Ever thankful for every moment
That I living within this love
Where hope is living
Under grace thrives
Romans 15:13
In the ten days since that Sunday where I felt I was at the end of myself, things had definitely changed. That was the last time I brought alcohol into the house and in the time since then, I had drunk only 10 pints, no more than two in one evening, there were even evenings without drink. Those ten pints over ten days was the equivalent of what I had drunk at the pub alone on that last weekend, never mind the wine I drank at home.
I had come to find as those ten days passed, that each time I drank, I disliked the taste ever more, by the time Thursday 29th March 2012 came around, I was pretty convinced I was meant to stop altogether. As I walked from that evening’s karate class over to the pub, I stated that if I didn’t like the taste of the first pint, then that was it, I was never drinking again.
I ordered my drink, found our usual table and sat down, then I tasted it, it was awful. I’m sure to this day, there was nothing wrong with that pint of cider, I’m sure it was perfectly okay, but right then, in that moment, to me it tasted like vinegar!
I finished the drink, it took some doing and that was it, I order a lime and soda, drank that and went home. That was the last drink of alcohol I have ever tasted, since that moment 10.30pm Thursday 29th March 2012, I’ve been clean and sober, totally alcohol free.
I’m sure I was meant to taste that drink the way I did, as I say, I’m sure it was perfectly fine, but this new spirit of God within was fighting against the alcohol addiction. This then was the real start of the fight.
Just two weeks previous, I couldn’t get through the night within out a drink, I just couldn’t not drink, now I was getting through the night without, so now was the big test, could I get through the rest of my life without it, so far so good, but it’s not been easy.
The continual fight against this inner demon has only been possible through the strength of God, without Him, I couldn’t do this. It’s easier now, but it wasn’t back then, there were some dark and painful weeks ahead, all may have seemed easy to just say no more, but moments would come where it would have been easier to give in to the temptation, than to fight it, in those moments only prayer and that strength through the Lord did I make it through, it was hard, but my God is bigger.
The process of recovery came that day I tried to end my life, the moment I put down that blade, I guess I surrendered to God, then over the coming weeks I gradually found Him more and more, I accepted and embraced Him, in turn He set me free. From the moment He said that my kids needed me more, the moment I heard that voice, I was His and He saved me.
A couple of weeks ago at Church, as the anniversaries approached of all these moments which define who I am now, I told my team at Church how much they meant to me, how without God and His Church, I would be nothing, without them I would be dead, I couldn’t help but cry as I thanked them.
After that one of the younger member of our team came to me, she’s in the same youth group as my kids and she told me that one evening Matt, our Pastor asked each of the youth group what they are most thankful to God for doing in their life, both my kids said they were thankful that God had save me!
Of all the compliments or words of encouragement I have heard over the last seven years, this was the most profound and instantly made me burst into tears, I didn’t realise how deeply they felt about this, I hadn’t really discussed any of this in detail with either of them, I didn’t know they felt that way, I couldn’t hold my emotions as she told me and as I write this now, I’m crying again.
The only thing I can say, is thank you to our great God. This maybe seven years sober, but it’s just the start and I pray I will have His grace and strength for every step of the future.
FROM THE DAY by I AM THEY
When You found me, I was so blind
My sin was before me, I was swallowed by pride
But out of the darkness, You brought me to Your light
You showed me new mercy and opened up my eyes
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
Where brilliant light is all around
And endless joy is the only sound
Oh, rest my heart forever now
Oh, in Your arms I’ll always be found
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
My love is Yours
My heart is Yours
My life is Yours
Forever
My love is Yours
My heart is Yours
My life is Yours
Forever
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
From the day You saved my soul
The Bottom of a Bottle 