Tag Archives: Awakening

Turning Point

Having finally admitted that the consequences of my drinking and actions had put a wedge between myself a Victoria, causing a crack that could no longer fix fixed, I was a mess.

After the talk we had on Tuesday night, I lost my appetite for everything, except for drinking, I didn’t eat a meal until Friday evening, I tried to eat as the days passed, but my appetite was gone and all I wanted was to drink, the spiral was getting tighter and tighter.

Come the weekend it got worse, Saturday evening after karate I went to the pub with a couple of friends, I forced them to stay long enough to get five pints of strong cider in, then on the way home I picked up a couple of bottles of wine, went home and drank them both. I was now so far in that I could drink all this and still go to bed feeling like I was sober. There was no hangover come the morning, I guess I was in a permanent state of fuzziness, that hangovers just didn’t happen anymore.

Sunday morning was Mother’s Day, come mid morning I realised the kids hadn’t got anything for their Mum, no present or card, I should really say that I hadn’t got them anything to give, that I suppose is my responsibility, but I was in such a state I had completely forgotten.

This realisation of how far removed from this world I was in hit hard. I went upstairs to run a bath, then I just there looking at myself in the mirror, I began telling myself how useless I was, in my mind all these statements came rolling through, telling myself how they were all better off without me, I was draining them, holding them back, I was a waste.

I came to the conclusion that they would be better off if I was dead, I picked a penknife, opened the blade and held it against my wrist. These thoughts kept running through my mind of how they would be better off without me. My plan now was to get in the bath, cut my wrists and simply wait to day, that was it, it was all over.

Then it happened, I heard a voice, His voice.

Out of nowhere in my head, I heard a voice say “it’s better that your kids live with you as you are now, than live with the memory of what they will find”.

As I heard it, I looked to the bath and there I saw an image of myself laying there pale as anything, dead in a bath full of blood, then I looked to the bathroom door and saw the face of my daughter, just six years old, in shock at the sight of what she had just seen.

I put the knife down and simply broke down. I was so angry, angry with myself, I felt like I was in this state of nothingness, having neither the courage to live or the courage to die, I was in a void, I was lost.

Somehow I cleaned myself up and made it to karate, put on a brave face so no one there could tell there was anything wrong in my life, I carried on like it was just another normal day. Then followed the same routine as Saturday night, five pints, pick up two bottles of wine, only this time I did’t quite finish the second bottle.

I think that evening I knew things were going to change, I had made it to the edge and just clung on for while longer, but hope was on the horizon, Victoria had given me Gareth, her Pastor’s mobile number, now I just had to have the courage to call it.

It’s hard now to think about the importance of those words that I heard. For the previous couple of years I had literally stolen from my kids, their birthday and Christmas money was usually put away in the cupboard, but before they could spend it, I had taken it to buy alcohol with, this is low I had become, stealing from my kids.

And now a voice I had never heard before says they need me.

This wasn’t the first time this scenario had played out, but this was the first time I had probably seriously consider ending my own life, this was definitely the lowest moment of my life.

Things could only get better and come the morning things were going to change.

JUST SAVE ME by LIKE A STORM
Can you hear my voice
Where you are?
When I’m without you
Every moment falls apart
I’m a burned out light in the dark
In my empty shell I am calling out

I’ve lost my faith,
Lost my way
It’s all so far away

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Pull me closer to you
I can’t escape this
Emptiness I fell into
Caught in a shadow
I can’t see through
I’m nothing without you

What have I become?
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out

Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

Lost my faith
Lost my way
I need to feel you here again
Just save me

From what I’ve become
Look what I’ve become

I bleed for you
I bleed for you 
I bleed for you

What have I become?
Just save me
Can’t face the morning sun
Just save me
Now I’m screaming out
Save me from myself 

What have I become?
You’re the only one
Who can pull me out
Save me from myself
Just save me
Just save me

True Realisation

The 13th March 2012 may seem so long ago now, seven years have passed by, yet the memories of that night still seem so fresh. That was a day when I really found out who I had become, only by truly realising the true loss of my actions over the past two years did I come to terms with the truth that I had a problem, a big one, one I could no longer hide from.

People I knew had relationships ending and I came to realise that my own with Victoria was virtually dead and I didn’t want that anymore. Over the last couple of years where I had been without regular work and income, I had disappeared into this bubble of my own, I removed myself from the family around me and fell into a bottle. I didn’t mean any of that, it just went that way and the deeper I fell, the more distant I got, I was sleeping on the settee and not really embracing any of what I had.

In my mind I told myself if I could just get a job, full time income, money coming in again, then all would be okay and all would fall back into place, as though nothing had ever happened, myself and Victoria could get back on track, actively loving each other.

Now I had a job, I had had one for over four months, yet nothing had really changed, except I got deeper into my pit. The income didn’t solve any problems, it made them worse, now I had more money, so more money to spend on drink and this I did.

But as I watched others break up, I knew I had to do something, so I spoke to Victoria about where we were, I had been putting this off, deep down I think I knew it was over, yet didn’t want to hear or admit it. But it was too late, that night we were over. We would carry on living in the same house, but as a relationship or partnership, there was no going back, she said it was over.

I remember breaking down into tears and just falling to the floor, I pleaded, but it was in vain, I had lost everything, my true love was gone, I had let this happen and I had no control, the alcohol was my master.

After our talk, all I wanted to do is drink, I couldn’t wait to get out the house to the shop at the top of the road, to get a couple of bottles of wine and drink them. I tried to fight it, but couldn’t, as I walked to the door I was in tears, all I could say to Victoria was I’m sorry, but I can’t stop it anymore, I couldn’t fight this addiction, it was killing me and all I loved, but I couldn’t stop it.

I went to the shop, brought the wine and drank it. Each night as that week went on, I repeated the same, crying, apologising as I went out to the shop for more wine. I had no appetite for food, for three days I practically never ate, just drank, whatever I could get my hands on.

I asked Victoria if I could speak with her Pastor, I told her I needed help, but in reality I was lying, I was convinced if I spoke with him, tell him who I felt and how much I actually loved Victoria, he would put things right between us, she listened to him and respected him, this was the way forward.

But as the weekend came, things were changing, I needed that meeting with Gareth more and more, it was no longer about any possible partnership, now it was our my survival, I was falling further and further, I was ready to let go.

I needed help!

DEAD MAN (CARRY ME) by JARS OF CLAY
January One
I got a lot of things on my mind 
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite 
I try to lift a finger but I don’t think I can make a call 
So tell me if I move ’cause I don’t feel anything at all 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral 
But it’s better than a party full of people I don’t really know 
Well, they’ve got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth 
There’s something in my veins but I can’t seem to make it work 
Won’t work 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Can you find a beat? 
Inside of me? 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Inside of me 
In front of me 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Pride – Proverbs 11:2

Pride – Proverbs 11:2

Stoic pride
To nothing leads
Just isolation
Lost
All alone
My fall
The disgrace
Shadows
Echoing darkness
This is where
All my pride
Lead me to
Until at the bottom
Bottom of the fall
The humility left
In this shrink soul
Cried out for held
A saviour
A reason
Just to live
Simply be
Not like this
For so much more
And came the Saviour
A light
To lead the way
Cut from these bones
The pride
It fell
It dies
And I came alive
In truth
In wisdom
In hope
In grace

Proverbs 11:2

Proverbs 11:2

Two Thousand Five Hundred Days – Just The Beginning

Two Thousand Five Hundred Days – Just The Beginning

So a man can travel so far
Yet never as far as I’ve come
For two thousand five hundred days
I’m sustained by the hand of the Lord
Only in this strength
Can I count those sober day
Since the bottle was finally shattered
And a man was released from it’s grasp
Now I have travelled this far
Yet still I have far to go
By His hand I will be sustained
In this journey to the promise
For two thousand five hundred days
I’ve had the freedom under God’s grace
Yet this is just the beginning
Just the start of freedom days
This journey is so long
And I know at times it will be hard
These days that past haven’t be easy
I’ve almost been lost along the way
But His hand made my way straight
Kept me upon this path
Upon the journey to the promise
So this is just the beginning
I have so far to go
So many will make this journey with me
Yet some will fall along the way
Let this journey be an illumination
For those looking for a way
Any trapped within the addiction
Or just lost within themselves
If I can make it this far
Our God promises they can too

From The Bottle – Ephesians 5:15-20

From The Bottle – Ephesians 5:15-20

Darker days
I drank my life away
Let the bottle
The wine sustain me
Let it break me
Life became full of darkness
And I shrunk from all who loved me
His grace and love set me free
His mercy released the bottles hold
And now I sing to His name
A praise from all He has done
I give thanks to my Lord
For all His love and grace
And forever praise His mighty name

Ephesians 5:15-20

Ephesians 5:15-20

Pills?

Pills?

Please don’t take another pill
You’ve sucked it down
How do you feel?
Has it lifted you from there?
Or dragged you down
Down deeper far
Is this the answer?
Is this the way?
The artificial
Will it save the day?
Will it release the pain?
You hold deep down
The pain that erodes the hope inside
A pill won’t help
It just delays it all
Tomorrow the pain will still be there
Tearing apart the fragile mind
Of a broken soul beyond the world
I speak of this
I’ve took the bottle
It never helped
Just numbed it all
But it returns when it all wore off
And I took it again to try and hide it all
A bleeding heart in the dead of night
Lost his way
Dying inside
Until a day I could face no more
And as I stared to death beyond
His voice came through above the chaos
To shine a light upon the pain inside
From that day I sought Him more
The bottles, the pills had no hold
I put them down and sought His love
To find a way out of this pain
Through open doors I found the light
And I walk free once more
So is this pill the answer for you?
Or can you hear Him calling you
To rise from just where you are
He loves you as He loves me
He cries for you in heaven above
He waits for you
My friend I pray
Embrace His love

The Song

The Song

Have we not heard the chimes at midnight
Or this the siren song that calls us to the rocks
Another bottle whispers it’s welcome
Beckoning us to dive in
Yet we have been set free
From the pull of this addiction
He came and conquered all before
Setting silent the song that called us
To trust in Him is the only future
So listen only to heaven’s song
It’s a freedom that is unending
If we only listen to heaven’s song