This last week there has been a fair amount of discussion at our Church about the alignment in our lives and also getting the balance right, which over the last few days has got me thinking, about what I’ve learnt in my life that could help me to get my balance and alignment right.
Physical balance is not the easiest thing in the world to learn and to perfect, it takes time, concentration and endeavour, I guess much like life itself.
When I first walked into a karate class, 33 years ago this month, I was just six years old, small for my age (not much changes there), I was weak and very shy, immensely shy, not much changes at all really!
I wasn’t a natural at karate, I struggled and only got a half grade for the first if my three gradings, most of my club colleagues at the time advance quicker than I. If my instructor told me off, I would more often than not cry (I must add that has changed a little over the years), if I look at the least gifted of any of my current students, I was far worse than any I’ve had in some time!
I certainly had no balance, when I started I couldn’t stand on one leg for a couple of seconds, never mind stand on one leg and perform various different kicks at slow pace or speed, all without putting my foot down, this isn’t something even the most natural of athletes can just do, it takes work over time.
I remember clearly still the basic principles that I was taught when we learning to balance, I still teach that way now, it works, it’s not easy, but if the most ungifted of children can master them, then anyone can.
The first thing we were taught about our balance was our centre of gravity, the lower to the ground we made it, the better. Although mine was naturally quite low to the ground anyway, this didn’t matter, it still needed lowering. So we were told to bend our supporting leg when we lift a knee to kick, hereby lowering the centre of gravity and also tightening the muscles in the leg, make it a more solid support, but that alone didn’t make for perfect balance.
We were taught to hold our alignment straight, don’t lean forward or backwards, only lean to the side when kicking to the opposite side, then not too far, only just enough to counter balance the leg. This wasn’t easy either, as a six year old the core muscles aren’t developed, so it took practice and lots of falling over or hoping around on one foot to find that counter balance.
The last thing was our concentration, we were told to fix our eyes on a point on the wall ahead, not to break that concentration, to hold our concentration on that point ahead, not to look around but to fix our focus ahead.
But it was etched into us that we must persevere, even if it hurt sometimes, even if we wobbled, even if we had to put our foot down for a moment, we were told to compose ourselves and try again, keep trying, each time that little bit harder and eventually it would improve, we would become stronger and our balance more stable over time.
Over time and I really mean over time, it’s not just one lesson and wow I’m now Mr Miyagi, far from it, it took years of practice, the simple kicks were first, then the more difficult and then combinations of kicks from one leg without returning to the ground with the kicking foot, it was all a process of development through training and practice.
It took focus on the basic principles to develop balance, without all four, it just doesn’t happen. But even when we’ve mastered our balance it takes practice of those three basic principles to sustain it and then develop it further, a trap I still fall into from time to time, I still need to work on mine, especially if I’m to lead my students by example.
But what about life, are these four principles of physical balance that far removed from the actual balance of our life.
This blog makes no secret of the fact I lost that balance of life, in fact I let go off all those principles and wobbled and stumbled, until I simply fell flat on my face and struggled to lift myself up again, everything in my life fell out of alignment, physically, mentally and emotionally, I became a real mess, a shell of my former self.
I guess firstly my alignment was shot, okay I had been a drinker for some time, I enjoyed a drink to relax, I worked everyday, spent time with my family, I taught karate four times a week, money was okay, we were getting by, I had a healthy and loving relationship with Victoria and two wonderful kids. Then I lost my regularly source of income, money became tight, I stopped doing the daily things that kept me in alignment and started to wobble a little. The stress of trying to keep upright began to get to me and behind closed doors, hidden away from the world outside, I began to stumble and reached for support, did I reach for the solid support of a loving partner, no I reached for support if a bottle, an unstable companion.
But as it began to get worse, there were times when I recognised this, there were times I was really down, it wasn’t the only time on 18th March 2012 that I reached for that penknife, there were times before when I realised how bad things were, I may not have recognised that the drinking was the issue, but I knew things weren’t right, I wasn’t right, even though I became desperate to the point of thoughts if suicide, I kept it all inside, I let no one see inside, I let no one look into my eyes, I hid it all, I didn’t want anyone to see my weakness, I had a reputation to keep up, I couldn’t crumble in front of everyone, my sense of self was raised, just like raising the centre of gravity, everything became less stable.
Our sense of self I can see as the centre of our gravity, the more we elevate ourselves, the harder our balance becomes to keep, just like those lessons from my instructor.
I put my pride, my sense of self, above everything, my health, my kids and my partner, that stubbornness to carry on and do it myself, not wanting anyone else to see or help, made everything so much harder and prolonged the pain, my unstable support couldn’t hold my weight forever, eventually there would be a big fall, one I would probable never get up from.
In an effort to keep up appearances, to hide everything, I elevated myself and my pride, I raised that centre of gravity, I wobbled even more, I would try to stay upright when people were looking, but when they looked away, I was struggling and in reality gave up trying, but they weren’t to know that.
Finally I lost my focus on what was before me, my focus was no longer on my family unit, on supporting my kids, on providing for my family and being a loving partner to Victoria, my gaze fell from that point of focus and then it all really became a struggle, I eventually found myself alone, struggling to stay uptight, until with all four principles abandoned I fell.
To say I fell hard is a little bit if an understatement, I was definitely shaken, my world upon which I stood shook and my weak balance and unsteady support finally gave way.
But that’s when I revisited the principles of balance, firstly I had to lower my centre of gravity, this time through humility. I had to get over myself, stop trying to kid the world and be humble enough to admit to the world I was a mess, admit that I had fallen and I was struggling to stand, never mind stand on one leg.
The night I met Gareth, I started to find that lower sense of self, I let go and admitted how weak I was and over the coming weeks, months and now fast approaching years, I still admit I am weak and struggle from time to time, but that lower sense of self allows me to do that, it keeps me ground and hence it keeps a lower centre of gravity.
I’m doing everything I can to get my balance of life right now, to keep from leaning too far one way or the other, keep a happy balance, it’s hard when I have to also work so many extra hours to cover the debts I have accrued, that can for make a tiring life, what with Church and karate. Sometimes I get it a little off, I find I’m too tired to walk in the mornings, but then find I need to walk to work things through and take that time out to spend with God and help keep that balance. It’s never easy, but I’m working in it, I keep trying and every time I stumble a little or have to rest a while, I get back up and try again.
Finally, the focus, before it was taken by the unhealthy, where I lost focus on the most important things in my life, my family and Victoria, I nearly lost them all, I maybe still don’t have all of those things back in my life, but now I have the ultimate of focus, on God, that’s where I do everything I can to try to keep my focus in Him, keep my eyes fixed ahead to him.
If I can keep these thing right, if I keep trying and working hard to keep myself grounded, keep myself in good alignment, not allowing myself to lean too far one way or the other and then finally keep my focus firmly fixed ahead on God, then hopefully the balance of my life will continue to improve.
WE WON’T BE SHAKEN by BUILDING 429
This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you
Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won’t be shaken
You know my every longing
You’ve heard my every prayer
You’ve held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I’ll stand in full surrender
It’s your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh
Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken
We will trust in you
We will not be moved
We will trust in you
