Tag Archives: Battle For Peace

Verse of the Day – Proverbs 3:3

Proverbs 3:3

Proverbs 3:3

Without love and faithfulness there is no way through, the moment I let these slip I start to struggle with life, the only way to get back on track is to set my heart and soul on Him.

BATTLE FOR PEACE by LUMINATE
There’s a trench in the floor
From my knees, from my knees
I’ve prayed for years, I’ve wanted more
Down on my knees, on my knees

And I have lost my voice
Crying out, crying out
Until I hear You speak
I’m crying out, I’m crying out

I will fall down, I will fall down
I will fall down at Your feet
And all this time I was blind
I couldn’t see, I couldn’t see

That Your love is never earned
Oh, it’s free, it’s free
What am I fighting for
Is it for peace, is it for peace

How can I stop this war
Inside of me, inside of me
I will fall down, I will fall down
I will fall down, at Your feet

I’m trading this battle for peace
I’m trading this battle for peace
 

The Story So Far – Chapter 24 – No Sleep ‘Til Christmas

CHAPTER 24 – NO SLEEP ‘TIL CHRISTMAS

The only problem with December is it brings with it the dark side of the Christmas festivities, well I guess the dark side of my Christmas was to drink more than I usually would during the rest of the year.  Who needs an excuse to drink at Christmas, it’s almost like it a ritual that goes with the holiday.  Certainly even before when I worked pretty much full time for the Architects, we would close over the Christmas period and when we were doing well I would get a bonus before we broke up.

Although I used that to get the kids and Victoria presents for Christmas, it would also allow me to pretty much fill the house with booze.  We didn’t usually get many visitors, so I wouldn’t really buy for anyone else, all for my own consumption and off course there were the bottles of wine I would buy in specially for Christmas day.  When I was off work over Christmas I would probably start drinking during the day and then carry on through the evening too, not at a great pace, not at the pace I eventually was able to drink at, but it was definitely a time to enjoy alcohol.

But since I had had this new job at the merchant’s the concept of Christmas meals was introduced too.  The first year I joined in with the other’s, drank whilst we ate and then ventured around town to the various pubs and carried on drinking, eventually turning to shorts, before going home a little worse for wear.

Although before I liked to drink, I didn’t like the atmosphere of the busy pubs in town, especially over the Christmas period, where things were generally more hectic, people had consumed more alcohol and things were more likely to kick off.  Thankfully that time nothing kicked off, but I guess I didn’t really enjoy the evening, I just took part because I didn’t want to be left out.

The year after that was my first Christmas sober, it was difficult sitting in the restaurant watching everyone around me drink.  Sometimes it’s not the urge to drink that makes it difficult, but when you look and see what people are actually drinking, you’re reminded of how much you actually enjoyed the taste and I guess kind off miss it.  Let’s be honest here, I don’t miss all the side effects and mess that drinking brought me too, but I do sometimes miss the taste.  Even when I see adverts on TV I sometimes wish I could just taste it again, but I know I can never do that again.  That Christmas I stayed for the meal and then went home alone, I didn’t miss the pub crawl and actually enjoyed watching TV with my Son at home more than the meal anyway.

So now December 2013 was moving on and I was still trying to get my head back to some form of normal, the tablets had by now kicked and I was beginning to feel a degree of normality to my mindset, the drawback still was that I couldn’t sleep at nights and would still spend them watching Christmas movies.  But having said all that I still felt a better person, much better than I had done just a month before.

This Christmas meal was arranged for a pub in town, which also had restaurant facilities, the meals were booked for a Saturday evening and the usual pub crawl would take place afterwards.

The week before someone at work asked me about my drinking, they asked if I felt I could ever drink again and I said no, I couldn’t trust myself if I did, to that the reply was “that’s because you’re weak!”  I was livid, absolutely livid, I tried to laugh it off and walked away, but it was eating away me as I worked, when I walked home it was boiling over, but during the twenty minutes of so it takes me to get home, I started to get over it.

But after that the panic attacks that I had suffered earlier in the year returned, not as severe as back then, but they were uncomfortable, especially coupled with the jittery feelings I was still experiencing.

During the week I began to question whether I really wanted to go, I felt I didn’t, but as it was all booked, I also felt I couldn’t really pull out either.  On the afternoon of the actual meal itself the panic got worse.  I was so undecided as to what to do, one minute I was adamant that I wasn’t going, then I was going, then not, it went on all afternoon.  About forty five minutes before we were due to meet at the pub, I finally made my mind up that I was going, but as before, coming straight home afterwards.

As I generally dislike being late, I was the first to arrive at the pub, so I ordered a coke, stood there looking completely out of place and waited for everyone else, I felt so awkward as I waited.  Thankfully I only had to wait about five minutes, but that was bad enough.  We went upstairs to the restaurant area and sat down for the meal.  I didn’t have to sit near the person who had called me weak, but I did sit opposite her partner.  During the evening we spoke about my not drinking and I explained things to him, he totally understood and commended me for my will not to drink.

Despite all of that, I still felt out of place and that I just didn’t want to be there, I couldn’t wait to get out of the place.  Then when the conversation around me turned to first politics and then religion, I felt an even stronger desire to get out of there, there’s one guy at work who definitely likes the sound of his own voice and won’t listen to anybody else’s opinions, he will just continue to force his and try to provoke a reaction that he can argue against, it’s was getting a bit like that and in the end I just sat there, talking to no one and hoping that everyone would just finish eating and talking, so they would all leave to go continue drinking and I could just go home.

Eventually their conversations came to a close, everyone had finished eating and the consensus amongst them all was to move on to another pub, that was my cue, thank you all for “a pleasant evening”, but I’m going home and I’ll see you all Monday.

I was so glad when I left the place, I didn’t want to go in the first place, I knew why and everything was pretty much just as I thought it would be, bloody hard work!  As I walked home I resolved that that would be the last time I went to the work’s Christmas meal, I wasn’t going next year, wherever my head was next year, no doubt it would be in a better place, but I still wasn’t going to subject myself to all that again, if I didn’t feel comfortable, what’s the point in being there.

I made that decision that night, but I didn’t tell anyone about it until a year later when the discussions about the Christmas meal came around again.

BATTLE FOR PEACE by LUMINATE
There’s a trench in the floor
From my knees, from my knees
I’ve prayed for years, I’ve wanted more
Down on my knees, on my knees

And I have lost my voice
Crying out, crying out
Until I hear You speak
I’m crying out, I’m crying out

I will fall down, I will fall down
I will fall down, at Your feet
And all this time, I was blind
I couldn’t see, I couldn’t see
That Your love, is never earned
Oh, it’s free, it’s free

What am I fighting for
Is it for peace, is it for peace
How can I stop this war
Inside of me, inside of me
I will fall down, I will fall down
I will fall down, at Your feet
I’m trading this battle for peace
I’m trading this battle for peace

Up And Down

I wish this journey was easy, for a time it seemed that way, but then it seemed to take a turn, from a gentle paddle down stream, into the vicious torrent of a white water rapids.

When I started out it was hard, going through the pain of withdrawal at the same time as trying to come to terms with the reality of the situation I found myself in, it wasn’t easy and I struggled at times. There were certainly times I wanted to give in, to go back and pick up a bottle to take the pain away, just like the life I used to lead, but I stuck at it, I learnt to pray and found that sharing my problems and my pain seemed to ease them somewhat.

Once I got through that it seemed a steady climb to begin growing as a person, throughout the rest of last year I feel I made progress and along the way a few occasions arrived that saw me grow immensely.

I know from my karate training, that over the years I developed fairly steadily, then there were a few distinctive points where something just fell into place and I made rapid advances in understanding and as a result technique improved considerably.

I can see that from last year also, I thought I was moving along steadily from May when the withdrawals finally subsided, until July, then as I doubted myself, but I was lifted from my seat to the stage in a moment to be Baptised, it was a big step, one I didn’t believe I was ready for or even understood, but when the calling came, who I was I to ignore it, I accepted it and stepped from my self doubt to be baptised.

Then around this time last year I had another one of those big steps forward. I attended the Unleash getaway with the men from Everyday Champions Church. There in the very first session I had and interview of sorts with James, for the first time I got to let out the real details of who I really was and what it was I had brought me to where I was. I hadn’t really gone into detail about it since the night Gareth and Alex came around back in March, but in the six months that had passed I had discovered a lot more about me and my addiction, that night in March I never intentionally lied, it was that it just it was hidden so deep, I wasn’t even admitting it to myself. I had had a lot if time to discover all the details in the months between, then starting this blog at the beginning of October last year allowed me to discover even more about myself, so much more than I ever realised. I could discuss that in an environment that was safe, I had no fear that night, I was able to say everything I wanted, that weekend I grew, that weekend some of the chains that held me down were broken, that was a big step forward for me, an invaluable weekend that went too fast.

After that the rest of the year and the first few months if this year were easy sailing, I was handling it all well and growing steadily, then a phone call at 7am on the morning of 1st March, shook my world.

Since that moment the easy sailing has never been quite the same, since then it’s been a rough ride all the way. I had a tough time coming to terms with my Nan’s death, it hit hard and I wobbled big time, I never honestly thought about drinking, but I really struggled with my thinking, I fell into my own head again, trapped in the madness.

Then just as I seemed to get out of that, I hit another problem, we were broke, no money and bills piling up again, I found myself in despair again, struggling with all that and obviously it put even more strain on a relationship that was already in tatters, I stumbled again.

Then prayer brought work and answers, I started to get back on track until another phone call. Just as I was picking myself up my other Nan died, back to square one, the rough ride continued.

Since then it’s been an up and down sort of ride, there are times when I feel good and really think I’m moving forward and then times when I get stuck back in my own mind again, that brings me down big time.

The worst thing about that is that when I there I try to deal with it all on my own, that feeling of it’s my problem to deal with and others really won’t understand stand what it is I’m struggling with. In reality that isn’t true, I know that, but when you’re stuck in a mind that’s depressed, your view of things becomes clouded.

Of late a lot has troubled me, nearly always down to money and relationship, but let’s be honest here, the latter is the one that beats me down the most and puts me back deeper into my own mind.

Sometimes things are okay and other times the little things just get to me. The other week the reality of what I had created for myself was spelt out to me and it broke me down, it threw me right back in there.

Last night got to me as well, in a different way, it made me realise how alone I seem to find myself and it’s of my own making. Once again I’m trying to cope with all this in silence, last night was no different.  I know I’m not alone, friends are always there to help, I just seem to keep trying to do it all on me own.

When Justin asked for anyone who needs prayer to go to the front to be prayed for, I held fast, I knew I should go, I knew I needed to go forward, but I stood in my own silence again. I seemed to be telling myself that I couldn’t go, I’ve done it too many times that I couldn’t go forward again! But at the same time I knew I should go too, but I just stood there head down, holding on. Then Jo came to me, she knew what had got to me the other week, she asked if she could pray with me, I just nodded and then cried. Then James joined me, he prayed too and said he felt that I was in turmoil inside, well he hit the nail on the head with that one, I am still in turmoil.

Even tonight something really simple is getting to me, I understand why and the reasons, but it doesn’t stop it getting right under my skin, putting me back in that mind of mine.

But tomorrow, there is light, it’s back to Unleash again, a year on from where I had a massive breakthrough, at a time when I need it most, I’m praying I have a similar experience.  Maybe I’ll get the chance to be open and really discuss what it is that’s hidden so deep, that really is getting to me.

I pray both morning and night for my situation, I will keep praying, both morning and night.  This morning I stood at the side of the lake praying, I was trying my best to bring it all to God, but the words weren’t there, that’s when I felt I had to do it differently, I was being told do it the way you know how to do it best, if you can’t say it write it.  Last night I had started on a poem about how exactly I was feeling, I need to revisit it and expand on it somewhat, it’s probably the most honest one I’ve ever written, but it may take a while longer to complete, we’ll see…

So for now rant over, I’m tired, I’m worn and just looking to tomorrow now.

BATTLE FOR PEACE by LUMINATE
There’s a trench in the floor
From my knees, from my knees
I’ve prayed for years
I’ve wanted more
Down on my knees, on my knees
And I have lost my voice
Crying out, crying out
Until I hear You speak
I’m crying out, I’m crying out

I will fall down, I will fall down
I will fall down, at Your feet
And all this time, I was blind
I couldn’t see, I couldn’t see
That Your love, is never earned
Oh, it’s free, it’s free

What am I fighting for
Is it for peace, is it for peace
How can I stop this war
Inside of me, inside of me
I will fall down, I will fall down
I will fall down, at Your feet
I’m trading this battle for peace
I’m trading this battle for peace 

Let It Rain – Finding Peace Tonight

It’s been a real up and down sort of night, I’ve had my tears and my quiet moments, but myself and the kids have also laughed at the TV as well, it’s fair to say my emotions are a little all over the place and I’m not really sure how to feel, last time around I kept myself busy at Church, this time all my work is done for a day or two and I’ve time to delve into my feelings, but I simply feel a little all over the place!

The day I heard a about my other Nanna’s passing I found a quiet peace in listening to Battle For Peace by Luminate over and over again, it allowed me to sleep that night, tonight I’ve found peace in the song Let It Rain by Pocket Full of Rocks, a simple song with few lyrics, but it has a peaceful beauty to it, that at this moment in time I feel a strong connection with.

We feel the rain of Your love
We feel the winds of Your spirit
But now the heartbeat of heaven, let us hear
Let it rain
Let it rain
Open the floodgates of heaven
Let it rain
Let it rain
Open the floodgates of heaven
(Let It Rain by Pocket Full Of Rocks)