I Just Feel Like Having A Rant!!!!

I don’t usually like ranting posts, but at the moment I just feel like letting off steam.

Earlier on this afternoon, I skipped karate to complete some work for the Architects, a couple of hours on a few amendments to project I’ve been working on for the last couple of weeks.  I finalised them at teatime and emailed them off, job done, the rest of the night is mine to relax before work tomorrow, especially after a long day yesterday down in Crawley.

That was the plan until the phone rang just before 9.30pm, the Architect, running though a few things they wanted to change, okay, I make a list and prepare to do them tomorrow evening, until I’m then told it has to be this evening, they have a meeting with the Client in the morning!!!

I guess I didn’t have much choice, I’ve made the changes and e-mailed them off just after 10.30pm, it would have been quicker but to add insult to injury, my laptop crashed in the middle of the amendments, at first I thought I had lost everything, I was panicking, but I managed to get everything back, to my great relief.

What get’s to me most is that I seem to be between a rock and hard place with this, they owe me money for the last eight months, I haven’t been paid for any work I’ve done since October last year.  I’m in that place that if I don’t complete the work I risk getting nothing, but if I do, it just seems to just drag on.  I don’t mind doing the work, I just get ticked off when I’m expected to just drop everything and pander to their grovelling, yet all the while there is more and more of a bill outstanding, needless to say at this moment I am in need of letting of some steam.

It all seems to add to the stress, we still struggle for money every month and since I have been on these anti-depressants I am just so tired most of the time.  I do my best to keep everything under control, to keep God at the centre of everything, but the chaos of my past and everything that goes with it can be so hard to deal with.

For now I’m going to grab my Bible, read for a while and find some peace!

At time’s like these, I quite often seek out this song, it’s been a great source of comfort to me so many times.

BE STILL by STORYSIDE:B
I remember all the times
The good times and the bad
I’m still holding on to You

Some days I wanna run
Sometimes I come undone
But I still belong to You

And thats how I know that

When I feel like caving in
My heart, my soul is wearing thin
I just wanna give up
And nothing seems at all to add up

Can You hear me, Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then You whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here

I see a side of You, my friend
Same struggles that I have
And my heart goes out to You

I know its hard to feel alone
And this world’s so unforgiving
I’ve been feeling that way too

But I can tell You

When I feel like caving in
My heart, my soul is wearing thin
I just wanna give up
And nothing seems at all to add up

Can You hear me, Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then You whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here

Is that You?
Is this me?
It’s sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

Its not just You
And not just me
We all need to believe that
We are not alone

When I feel like caving in
My heart, my soul are wearing thin
I just want to give up
And nothing seems at all to add up

I know You hear me, Lord?
When my face is down upon the floor
Its then You whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)

Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)
Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)

Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)
Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)

Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)
Be still and know I’m here
(We are not alone)

Verse of the Day – Psalm 46:10

Psalm 46:10

Just when I was feeling that old fear were beginning to rise up once more, I found this verse and was reminded of this song, a song which has helped me in the past.

BE STILL by STORYSIDE:B
I remember all the times 
the good times and the bad 
(some good and some are bad) 
I’m still holding on to you 
some days I wanna run 
and times I come undone 
but I still belong to you 
thats how I know that 

when I feel like caving in 
my heart my soul is wearing thin 
I just want to give up 
nothing seems at all to add up 
can you hear me Lord? 
my face is down upon the floor 
its then you whisper in my ear 
be still and know I’m here 

I see a side of you my friend 
the same struggles that I have 
my heart goes out to you 
I know its hard to feel alone 
and this world’s so unforgiving 
I’ve been feeling that way too 
but I can tell you 

when I feel like caving in
my heart my soul is wearing thin 
I just want to give up 
nothing seems at all to add up 
can you hear me Lord? 
my face is down upon the floor 
its then you whisper in my ear 
be still and know I’m here

Is that you? 
Is this me 
It’s sometimes hard to believe that 
I am not alone 
its not just you 
and not just me 
we all need to believe that 
we are not alone 

my heart my soul is wearing thin 
I just want to give up 
nothing seems at all to add up 
I know you hear me Lord 
when my face is down upon the floor 
its then you whisper in my ear 
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

(we are not alone)
be still and know I’m here

Feeling The Connection

It’s been a great end to what has been a real low day.  After yesterday evening, I just couldn’t get going this morning, there was no walk again, I just wanted to sleep, even after almost nine hours sleep, I could have slept for much longer.

Work was a real struggle today, I was so tired and things just didn’t click, I just couldn’t get into it, my mind just wasn’t on it, I really didn’t want to interact with anyone, I just wanted to get on with my job and get home.

James texted me midday, asking how the funeral had gone, so I was honest with him, I was struggling, I felt so low, worn and so down, but I told him how I was looking forward to my Connect Group this evening, as I knew it would be good for me.  From that point onward, just reminding myself of the need to get my Group got me through the day.

As I walked to the Group, this crazy thought came to me, on days like this before, days that were hard to get through, where stress was dominant, I couldn’t wait to get home to start drinking, the longer I waited the worse I got.  But now, I was desperate to get home so I could go to my meeting, the longer I waited the better I got, that’s the change in me now, being alone is no longer an option at times like these, being with friends like these is where it’s at.

We had a great meeting, at first I felt a little in and out of things, not that I wasn’t involved, just that my thoughts drifted around a little, but the more I became involved and especially when I was asked about specific times being in groups like this or around others from Church had helped, well tonight was one of those nights, just being there, just soaking up the support and love for one another was pulling me back to a sense of normality, by the end of the night, the low feelings had evaporated, I was back to feeling alive.

At times like these before, drinking alone was my default, to deal with this alone or rather to actually not deal with it was my preference, to drink to just forget it all, but now I love to have these friends around me, they bring the best out of me, they can make all my pain just disappear.  I know now I’m not to do it all alone, God lifts me to be with these people, He knows exactly what I need.

As I walked to the group with my iPod on, this song played, so as I walked I sang along, feeling every lyric, singing out to God, that’s when I started to feel the calm, the fluttering soul was now still, I knew He was there.

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here
(Be Still by Storyside:B)

Counting Days

I love Thursdays, every Thursday that rolls around is special to me, I cherish them and praise God for each one, each and every Thursday is now a day to celebrate, not a big lavish celebration, no parties, just me and my thoughts, celebrating.

Why?

Well today I celebrate 35 weeks of sobriety, 35 very long weeks at times, at other times it seems like 35 very short weeks, it is a hard ride sobriety sometimes, it’s easy others, but it does get easier the further away from Thursday 29^th March 2012 I get, I count every week, I count everyday, why? Because as long as I’m counting I’m still walking my path, when I stop counting then I stop this journey and I’m back at a place I don’t want to be!

Each day I write, I write about my day, my feelings, the good and the bad, my hopes and my fears.  Each page is counted, each week is counted and each day is counted, as I say I have to, it may seem a little over the top to some, a little OCD, but to me it is one of the most important things I do, I count the days and the weeks.

I must never stop doing it, other things have come and gone, I’ve tried them, I’ve adapted them, I’ve abandoned them, but this one thing is my habit now, simply to count the days, each day is another step away from who and where I was.

If a day comes where I can no longer count, when that counter reverts back to zero, then my demons will be back in control and this is the greatest fear that I live with.  I don’t trust myself to try even one drink, that one small drink.  When I am out with friends and I see others politely enjoying a drink, I have to fight an instinct that one little drink will be ok, but I know it wouldn’t, I know one would become two, two would become three, then where would it stop and at that point I would have fallen and ultimately would have to stop counting.

I’ve learnt to fight that urge, to bury it, it still rears it’s ugly head, but I fight it.  I have no reason to begrudge anyone drinking around me, if they can enjoy a simple drink with that wonderful element of control, then I am happy for them and I can handle that as long as I am still counting.

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
Its then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I’m here
(Be Still by Storyside:B)

I’m holding on to something great now, something fantastic, something I never dreamt I would ever embrace, when all felt lost I put my faith in the Lord, when I was down I asked for help and now I count everyday, I pray that I never have to start counting again, I pray continually that I can keep finding the strength to resist and wall tall on this journey.  When I’m in my darkest hours, I will be still and will know he is here with me, I am not alone, then I know I will be able to keep counting.