Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
It would seem my daughter’s eighth birthday turned out to be a One Direction themed birthday, to say she has a One Direction obsession is an understatement. Almost half the cards were One Direction, some of the clothes were One Direction and the pièce de résistance, a singing One Direction tooth brush, really who came up with that idea?
More One Direction
A Singing Toothbrush!
This is my favourite photo of my daughter, together with our old dog “Wylie Burp”, he would lay there and let her just sit on his back for ages, she would only have been around two years old at the time.
Best Of Friends
BEAUTIFUL by MERCYME Days will come when you don’t have the strength When all you hear is you’re not worth anything Wondering if you ever could be loved And if they truly saw your heart They’d see too much
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful You are made for so much more than all of this You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His You’re beautiful
and Praying that you have the heart to fight Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight For all the lies you’ve held inside so long and they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful You are made for so much more than all of this You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His You’re beautiful
Before you ever took a breath Long before the world began Of all the wonders He possessed There was one more precious Of all the earth and skies above You’re the one He madly loves Enough to die
You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful In His eyes
You’re beautiful You were meant for so much more than all of this You’re beautiful You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful You were meant for so much more than all of this You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful You are treasured You are sacred You are His
As a birthday treat I took Eve and Ben to see the Lego Movie, I gave her a choice of films to see, but she chose that one, so off we went.
They both enjoyed the film, they both play with Lego from time to time, it was quite nostalgic for me, I used to have loads of Lego as a kid, I certainly had one of those blue spacemen and he had a broken helmet too!
I think my daughter has a memory like me, one the way out of the cinema she asked if she could have a mango drink from Costa Coffee, the last time she had one of those was a year ago last Saturday, I took her there on the morning my Nan died. She remembered what she drank that day, as well as what I brought her from town and that we went to Church later that morning to help set up for a conference.
She seems as though she is like me, in that she can remember random things from her past, unlike Ben, who half the time can’t remember what he did earlier that day.
She’ll be all right as long as she doesn’t take to memorising random facts of no use to anyone, just like her father!
OH LORD, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL by JESUS CULTURE Oh Lord, you’re beautiful, Your face is all I seek, And when your eyes are on this child, Your grace abounds to me. Oh Lord, you’re beautiful, Your face is all I seek, And when your eyes are on this child, Your grace abounds to me.
I want to take your word and shine it all around. First help me just to live it Lord. And when I’m doing well, help me to never seek a crown. For my reward is bringing glory to you.
I want to take your word and shine it all around. But first help me just to live it Lord. And when I’m doing well, help me to never seek a crown. For my reward is giving glory to you.
Oh Lord, you’re beautiful, Your face is all I seek, For when your eyes are on this child, Your grace abounds to me.
Oh Lord, you’re beautiful, Your face is all I seek, For when your eyes are on this child, Your grace abounds to me.
I had a great day yesterday, I woke and opened cards and presents will Ben and Eve, they didn’t bring my breakfast in bed, but Ben did bring my a coffee! Then I went for breakfast in town with a friend, the first few hours of this year’s birthday were already a massive improvement on last years.
I had my appointment at the Doctors mid morning, a review of the medication I’ve been on for the last couple of weeks. The Doctor seemed quite pleased with how I was improving and my blood pressure is right back down to normal, even with the stresses of the last few months and the reduced blood pressure medication. He wasn’t too concerned about the sleeping issue, he believes the antidepressants will continue to bring further improvements and in time my sleep patterns will be back to normal. I’ve got to go back in about six weeks for further a check up.
I took the kids to the cinema last night to watch Frozen. I didn’t realised it had so much singing in it, not usually my cup of tea but I guess it’s a typical Disney Princess type film. Ben and I enjoyed it anyway, but Eve absolutely loved it, so much so she been again today with her Mum to watch it in 3D, as Victoria came home in the early hours of the morning.
Though am I really getting that old that my favourite present from yesterday was a pair of new pillows, that I brought with money I received from my Mum and Dad! Maybe they will help me sleep.
The three of us made it through the last couple of weeks, my worries of not coping were needless, yes I did have a few low days earlier this week, but after yesterday I feel I’m beginning to really get back to something approaching normal, although it’s back to work on Monday, that may change it somewhat.
There is still some way to go, some things I can work on and there are others that are beyond my control, but I’m learning to stop worrying about these things I can’t influence directly, learning to pray and just trust in God’s plans for me.
I’M A LOVER OF YOUR PRESENCE by BRYAN & KATIE TORWALT Let this be a sacrifice, let me dedicate my life, to worship You
Iʼm a lover of Your presence, Iʼm a lover of Your presence Iʼm a lover of Your presence
Our passionʼs stirring deep inside, Youʼre all that really satisfies We worship You
Our passionʼs stirring deep inside, Youʼre all that really satisfies We worship You
We are loverʼs of Your presence, We are loverʼs of Your presence We are loverʼs of Your presence
I was made for Love, I was made for Love, I was made for Loving You
Twelve years ago today a new journey in my life started, a journey which continues to this day and brings new experiences and memories every passing day.
It started in the very early hours of 7th September 2001, I couldn’t have been asleep too long, as usual I was well gone, but I woke to a gentle nudging. As I slowly came around, Victoria said she had been awake for some time, but didn’t want to alarm me, but she thought it was time, as much as I had prepared myself over the previous months, those words put a mixture of emotions into my head, fear, nervousness, excitement and anticipation.
The contractions had started and it seemed the waiting was over,
we were finally stepping into parenthood.
Neither if us drive so we rang for an ambulance, I rushed our dog around to my parents house, which was just minutes away, as Victoria readied her bag.
We set off for the Hospital in Nottingham, those feelings became more vivid as the journey continued. We arrived at the maternity unit, we were shown to our delivery room and introduced to our Mid Wives and things seemed to be going along nicely, even though I wasn’t really sure what to do or where to put myself at times. But the hours passed and things didn’t seem to be speeding up and as the sun came up and the our Mid Wives ended their shift, things changed. Our first set of Mid Wives were so nice, they couldn’t do enough for us, they were just so kind, but the new shift weren’t quite so.
Where as our previous set had been happy to let things move along slowly, the new shift weren’t so, as things as slowed they made us feel like we were wasting their time, they weren’t nasty or anything, they just weren’t very welcoming and we didn’t warm to them. Finally things drew to halt, it was decided Victoria would be moved to a bed on the ward to wait, but unfortunately as the ward had set visiting hours I couldn’t go with her, I had to sit in the waiting room, just passing time, we were both alone and confused, it certainly wasn’t what I expected.
The day passed and we moved to the evening, Victoria had been allowed downstairs with me, so at least we could be together, we decided as we lived in the next town and didn’t drive we would stay the night, Victoria on the ward and myself in the Hospital Hotel, I was to be notified of any change, but no such call came, I woke still awaiting news.
By now it was Saturday and once again the hours passed and nothing else happened, we were both bored, uncomfortable and fed up, we decided to go home, Victoria was already three weeks passed her due date and was to be induced that week, so we called Victoria’s Grandad, who came and took us home.
We settled back home comfortably, Victoria’s Mum had come over, made us tea and stayed with us, maybe it was the home comforts, but by mid evening the contractions returned. We called our local Mid Wife, who came straight over and promptly called an ambulance, again!
Here we go again, but the Mid Wife was quite insistent that she come with us, by this time it was around 10pm and we were off again, surely this time.
At the Hospital we had a different room and a totally different set of Mid Wives, but they were as nice as our first set, Victoria was in a lot of pain and barely let go of the gas and air, I must say I was tempted but never tried it!
It wasn’t as imminent as it was thought, the hours passed again, but this time things began to move on. Victoria’s pain increased and I didn’t have a clue what to do, her Mum had come with us and having had four kids of her own she knew what to do, I just looked on helpless.
Then a panic seemed to build, the Mid Wives put a heart monitor in Victoria, but the baby’s heartbeat was getting faster and faster, the Mid Wives were concerned and were keen for baby to be born as quickly as possible.
Baby’s heart rate wasn’t the only one increasing, I was feeling more pressure than I was letting in, I felt terrible, I felt as though my heart was going to burst out my chest, Alien style, my Blood Pressure was going mad it seemed, but I just tried to smile and didn’t mention anything to anyone, I don’t think that even after all these years I ever told Victoria, my pain was nothing compared to her’s and our baby’s health.
The hours passed and the Mid Wives did their best to move things on, at 2.50am Sunday 9th September 2001, our first child Ben Anthony, was born.
We were all very tired after a long weekend, about 48 hours earlier we had started this journey and now he was here. I have to say I’m not a baby person, but to me our Son was beautiful.
After Victoria and Ben were settled back on the ward, I went outside for fresh air, it was a relief and the heart began to beat normally and I could breathe easily again. I called my Mum and Dad to let then know, then went back to the hotel again, they let me have a room free of charge.
Throughout Sunday we had the usual visits, the parents, grand parents, brothers, sisters, aunties and uncles. We were so tired and Victoria still very uncomfortable after the birth, that I don’t think we were good company, but as they came to see Ben, nobody really cared.
Victoria stayed in Hospital both Sunday night and again Monday night, she was to come home on Tuesday.
Tuesday became an emotional day for many reasons. Victoria’s Grandad picked my up at lunchtime, we were to get there at the beginning of afternoon visiting and she and Ben could come home.
As we neared the Hospital we heard disturbing news on the car radio, a plane had hit the World Trade Centre, it didn’t say anything else, it was a vague report, we discussed what it meant, possibly just a freak accident. Then as we pulled into the car park, news of the second strike came through and it became more evident that this was something more.
We were concerned, but the joy of bringing my boy home was stronger. We packed everything into the car, fitted the car baby seat and set off for home. We discussed the news as we travelled and when we got home Victoria’s Mum and step Dad were there getting things ready for us, the TV was on and as we got in the first footage of the towers collapsing was shown, it took the edge of what should have been a joyous moment, it was certainly mixed emotions.
It was a journey that started four days before and now began in earnest, we were home and now we had a tiny baby to look after, we were a family.
This journey as a parent isn’t easy and doesn’t end, I can’t say I’ve been the best father over the last twelve years and certainly not the best partner, I made a real mess of things for a time, but I’m trying to address things one at a time. Ben turns twelve on Monday, is it really twelve years ago and despite everything, those memories of that weekend remain so vivid.
WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN by CREED Well I just heard the news today It seems my life is going to change I close my eyes, begin to pray Then tears of joy stream down my face
With arms wide open Under the sunlight Welcome to this place I’ll show you everything With arms wide open With arms wide open
Well I don’t know if I’m ready To be the man I have to be I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side We stand in awe, we’ve created life
With arms wide open Under the sunlight Welcome to this place I’ll show you everything With arms wide open Now everything has changed I’ll show you love I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open With arms wide open I’ll show you everything …oh yeah With arms wide open..wide open
If I had just one wish Only one demand I hope he’s not like me I hope he understands That he can take this life And hold it by the hand And he can greet the world With arms wide open…
With arms wide open Under the sunlight Welcome to this place I’ll show you everything With arms wide open Now everything has changed I’ll show you love I’ll show you everything With arms wide open With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything..oh yeah With arms wide open….wide open
I guess I got my wish, I said I wasn’t going to celebrate my birthday yesterday, but when it hit me between the eyes like someone had swung a cricket bat at my head, I slipped back, I clung to my path, I counted my day, but I had an awful feeling of isolation, quite simply it felt like I was Bruce Willis’s character in the Sixth Sense, although I was at home, I was invisible, nobody could see me, I was a ghost!
Let me try to explain.
Although I posted on here Wednesday night and on Facebook yesterday morning, that I wasn’t celebrating my birthday but instead my SoberDay, I got up early, I walked early so I didn’t have to rush to work, I could open my cards and presents with the kids.
Well no, my son was up but went on his Playstation without say anything, my daughter never woke and that was that I went to work without hearing happy birthday!
I went through the day at work, although I had some great messages on here and Facebook, by the time I walked home I had still not heard the words!
I got home and everyone went about their usual evening routine and still no happy birthday, I began to feel like Bruce Willis again, I wanted to reach out but nobody saw me, so after an hour or so of silence, I open the few cards and presents I had got, then left for Church, by now feeling abandoned.
I had an hour or so at Church, then just as I was leaving, someone finally said “Happy Birthday”, it took over 20 hours, it wasn’t from my close loved ones, but it made me feel better anyway.
I prayed for the strength to rise above I’ve it all, after all I had asked for it not to be celebrated, but I thought my kids would want to anyway, so I lifted myself, put an appearance in at Karate and went to help the Foxy Ladies at the pub quiz, whilst holding onto my lime n soda. The Foxy Ladies are a group of older ladies and pensioners that come together once a week to do the pub quiz, by accident I helped them a few years back when they were struggling with sports, music and film questions, I’ve been helping them ever since. I don’t know anything intelligent, just a muddle of rubbish, I can tell you who the first ever UK Christmas no 1 was and who played John the Baptist in the Greatest Story Ever Told, but anything on the news or important, it just passes me by.
I got a phone call from James about 10pm, which lifted my spirits, I’m out with him again tonight, he always has the ability to lift me, so I look forward to tonight.
But when I got home I wanted so much to vent my anger, to post a very angry blog on here, so I logged on in preparation, but a comment from Candy S at Finding Order In Chaos, saying she had been nominated me for a “REALITY Blog Award” which instantly lifted my spirits further. I started this blog on 6th October, so exactly two months later to get my first award was great, another thing to add to the day of anniversaries, so I completed my journal counted my day as the 252nd SoberDay, so all was good really.
Then this morning, the family went about their morning routines not paying any attention to me so, I drifted back to being Bruce Willis, a ghost in my own home. So I fought the urge to stay in bed and went for a two hour walk.
I’m so glad I did, I reasoned it all, I cried out to God and Jesus, I cried I was sorry, that I accept after years of self isolation, I was now reaping what I had sown, I had ignored those around me on special days, as I was lost in my own sorry, bitter, tortured world, now I was getting my penance, my punishment and well I deserve it, I will take it and I will learn from it.
My walk quickly changed my mood, as I prayed for songs to lift me, they kept coming and I kept singing out loud, Traumatising Rabbits as I went.
One song on my playlist, which is not really a Christian song of faith, is Landing in London by 3 Doors Down, it deals with the singers isolation from his loved one whilst on tour with his group. I understand this, as even though I live with who I call my partner, I am isolated from her, our situation means I am apart from her, but I love her so much, even after everything I love her and want to be close to her, but I can’t, even though we are in the same house, so I find myself singing this song to her.
But then I realise I am actually singing this song to God, it is I guess a metaphor for my lost years, my isolation from God as much as my partner. Either way I sang out loud, so now I share the song with you (not my version, Traumatising Rabbits is one thing, deafening my readers is inexcusable).
“And when the night falls in around me I don’t think ill make it through I’ll use your light to guide the way Cause all I think about is you” (Landing In London by 3 Doors Down)
Another song that I sang loud and proud on my secluded walk along the cycle path was Jesus Friend Of Sinners by the Casting Crowns, I sang and believed every word, I was the sinner, I was the lost cause, I was the outcast, He died for my sins, with this came realisation, once again I am forgiven and it is all forgotten, lift your head up, wall talk and live again.
“And I was the lost cause And I was the outcast You died for sinners just like me A grateful leper at Your feet” (Jesus Friend Of Sinners by The Casting Crowns)
Then one final song as I neared home, this is a new one, I’ve only listened to it a few times before, but I sang along anyway (not so loud this time, I was walking through the cemetery by this point), everything seemed to become sane again, my angriness, my isolation, my brokenness, my transparency, they had all vanished, I had fallen to pieces once again and was put back together, once again.
“It’s like I’m falling to pieces With one gaze from Your eyes. And then You put me together when You say you are mine.” (The Love Of God by The Glorious Unseen)
I am feeling good about myself again, I’ve been low for the last 24 hours or so, but I am back on track now, got a Karate class later (great 40 to 50 screaming kids, can’t wait), then out for a meal, life is good again.
Tonight I will complete my journal, on top of the page, in bold hand writing will be:
Sober Day: 253
So all is GOOD!
P.S.
Sorry but if you’ve never seen the Sixth Sense and were planning a lovely evening to watch it for the first time, I have spoilt the ending for you, yes he is a ghost all along, no I didn’t get it until the end either and yes my “partner” got it in the middle of the film, but I was too stupid to do that!
Ok, so here in the Uk it’s about to move over to 6th December, so by the time I actually post this I will be another year older.
It’s a day for celebration, definitely, but my birthday is the least of the reasons why!
Ok, so why?
Firstly, back in March between the point of my breakdown on 13th March and my sobriety on 29th March, there were times then that I didn’t actually want to make it, I was ready to fall of the planet, leave this life for good, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, I wasn’t allowed!
In the early months of my recovery I was scared to death of the damage I had done to myself, I thought I was a heart attack waiting to happen, I was sure I was heading for one but, I didn’t, I wasn’t allowed!
Why didn’t I, why couldn’t I and why wasn’t I allowed?
Because I was saved, God had a plan for my life and it wasn’t death, not yet anyway!
On the 21st March I prayed for the first time, on the 1st of April I walked into Church for the first time of my own free will and on 8th April I accepted Jesus into my life, I called out his name and I was saved.
So today I celebrate the 36 weeks without a drop of alcohol, 252 sober days and OK, the fact I’m 39 years old today.
“And anyone who calls upon His name
They will be saved, they will be saved
Anyone who calls upon His name
They will be saved, they will be saved”
(The Saving One by Starfield)
God has given me the strength to make it this far, to a day I was convinced I would never see, I give praise and thanks for that!
Last night’s post “Wylie & Me” was definitely the hardest blog entry I’ve created thus far, it brought tears as I walked on Sunday morning, I was preparing it in my mind and crying as I walked, I knew it would be hard.
Then I as typed on Sunday evening I cried even more, I cried as I typed, I cried as a reread the post, then cried again as I edited it and added further memories, then once again cried as I re checked it. I had to fight to press the publish button, I’m not sure why, but I just had to work hard to push that button, was I happy with the post? I don’t know I thought I was. I guess this one laid me bare more than I wanted to be, this was one of the last Hot Coals that I was holding on to, it was burning me in many ways, but now it’s out, that burning has gone and I feel the relief.
I realised something tonight, that my favourite picture of all time is this one, it was at the bottom of Wylie & Me, I just love it, he sat there so calm, unflustered by the fact a two year old is sat on his back quietly playing, it looks just like she’s sat on a stuffed toy, simply beautiful.
Wylie with my two year old daughter
When I walked yesterday morning, I tried desperately to pick a song to post with it, but I just couldn’t think of one, so I prayed for a song, usually when I do this a song comes on my iPod that is just relevant, it’s usually perfect. Well a song did play, the song was Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North, the message was let it go, the Lord was saying to me just let it go, I’m so glad I did.
“But You say let it go, You say let it go You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control You say You will be, everything I need You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul You say let it go, You say let it go” (Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North)
This Thursday I turn 39, another year chalked up. There were times this year I was sure I wouldn’t make it, there were times when I really didn’t want to make it, I was ready to end it there and then, but I’ve made it and yes the feeling is actually fantastic.
But I’ve made the decision that I am not going to celebrate my birthday, I don’t want to, it’s not important that to me, what is important however are the days and weeks to be counted!
Yes the 6th December is my birthday, but it is also it will also be 36 weeks since my last drink, 36 weeks of sobriety, 252 sober days, now that is worth celebrating, I would rather receive encouragement for that than birthday wishes.
I know that this seems a bit strange, even a bit selfish, but that’s the way I want it, that’s the way I see it, at this point in my life sobriety is more important than my birthday, so please do not send me any birthday messages.
But please feel free to toast (with a soft drink, lime n soda or Pepsi max, preferred) my 36 weeks of fantastic sober days with best wishes for the next 36!
The Bottom of a Bottle 