Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Over the last few weeks I have persevered with getting up early and just walking, I try to get out most mornings for an 8 mile walk before work and then take longer walks over the weekend, usually 12 to 15 miles, on a Sunday evening I also try to get an extra walk in too.
This week end I got out early Saturday, catching the sunrise at the lake and yesterday evening I manage to catch the sunset, perfect book ends to a great weekend.
THE SUNRISE
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 1
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 2
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 3
Sunrise 17-06-17 No 4
THE SUNSET
Sunset 18-06-17 No 1
Sunset 18-06-17 No 2
Sunset 18-06-17 No 3
Sunset 18-06-17 No 4
On Saturday morning I heard this song on my iPod, it came on just as I walked past the spot where I got the call four years ago to tell me my Nan had died, I thought of my friend Mark who last weekend lost His Nan too.
ANGELS FLY by REAMONN She saw the world through her smile She held your hand you knew it’d be all right She spoke of places she’d never been “Now is the time”, she’d say, “to live the dream”
And she told us how she could fly And she said “no need for goodbyes” For we’d see her there in the skies Where angels fly, angels fly
She stayed a while that summers day Spoke through a smile of how she’d go away I saw in her eyes, her pain She took my hand and said “it’d be ok”
And now she’s soaring up into the sky And she takes us all in her flight And she told us the reasons why Angels fly, angels fly
Some summer days I can see the smile And in so many ways she’s still alive And the love that she gave I keep down inside I’m keeping it safe ’till I learn to fly
And she’s soaring up into the sky And she takes us all in her flight And I feel she’s still alive Where angels fly, angels fly
And she told us how she could fly And she said “no need for goodbyes” For we’d see her there in the sky Where angels fly, angels fly Angels fly, my sweet angel flies.
For what seems like the first time in ages I managed to get up and force myself out for a walk this morning. It was a 5am start and a short walk of just 8.6 miles in just a little over 2 hours.
My calf muscle injuries of last year seem to have cleared up, I can still feel them being a little stiff, but the muscle tears that I had are no way near as painful as they were 18 months ago. I wan’t as fast as I used to be, but it was worth it.
And although the sun rise was early this morning, I just managed to get to the lake as it came up.
Sunrise 21/5 no 1
Sunrise 21/5 no 2
Sunrise 21/5 no 3
Sunrise 21/5 no 4
Sunrise 21/5 no 5
Sunrise 21/5 no 6
Hopefully this is the start of a regular routine, just like it used to be, not just another false start. I feel I am going to ache in the morning, but hopefully I can get five miles in before work!!!
WALK by FOO FIGHTERS A million miles away Your signal in the distance To whom it may concern I think I lost my way Getting good at starting over Every time that I return
I’m learning to walk again I believe I’ve waited long enough Where do I begin? I’m learning to talk again Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough? Where do I begin?
Do you remember the days We built these paper mountains And sat and watched them burn? I think I found my place Can’t you feel it growing stronger? Little conquerors
I’m learning to walk again I believe I’ve waited long enough Where do I begin? I’m learning to talk again I believe I’ve waited long enough Where do I begin?
Now For the very first time Don’t you pay no mind? Set me free again You keep alive a moment at a time But still inside a whisper to a riot To sacrifice but knowing to survive The first decline another state of mind I’m on my knees, I’m praying for a sign Forever, whenever I never wanna die I never wanna die I never wanna die I’m on my knees I never wanna die I’m dancing on my grave I’m running through the fire Forever, whatever I never wanna die I never wanna leave I’ll never say goodbye Forever, whatever Forever, whatever
I’m learning to walk again I believe I’ve waited long enough Where do I begin? I’m learning to talk again Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough? Where do I begin?
I’m learning to walk again I believe I’ve waited long enough I’m learning to talk again Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
About a month ago I got off to a bit of a false start in terms of getting out each morning and walking as the sun rises. At one time I was out every morning, regardless of the weather, the days when I walked seemed to have far more balance to them, then about two years ago it started to get a little sporadic, until eventually I stopped before slipping into a period of dark depression.
Over the last couple of years I’ve tried many a time to get out again. Just like a month ago it starts out alright for a few days, but somehow I find an excuse to miss a day, then two, then three and so on and so on. Last month it lasted just short of a week and then due to being busy with work, I decided I was too tired and caved in each morning. But each night I would berate myself in my journal for not getting out, I would promise myself I would get out again the next morning, but it never happened and the cycle carried on. This morning though, the alarm went of and there was no deliberation, within ten minutes I was out the house walking.
My plan was to walk the cycle track, which is about four miles long and then return, it a total walk of around eight and half miles, in around two hours, on the way I would just make it to the lake as the sun rises.
Blue Skies
Hidden
Beyond
Over The Green Fields
Before The Clouds
As I got to the end of the track, which up to the point where I turn around is tarmac, I noticed that the dirt path which continues for another few miles had been cut back, over recent years it has been overgrown, last time I attempted to walk it was almost three years ago, but it was so overgrown I couldn’t get through. I walked it about five years ago and remember coming across a peaceful little spot where a small stream runs under a bridge, I’ve wanted to find it again so many times, but as I say the last time I tried it was impossible.
This morning for some reason, I just carried on, without even thinking I found myself walking the small path, until I found the bridge right at the end of the path, after the bridge it is still overgrown, but I wasn’t bothered about that, I had found what I wanted.
The Stream
The Bridge
It’s Bank Holiday Monday tomorrow and I am not working this one, so all being well I intend to walk it again in the morning, although my aching hips may have something to say about that!!!
This morning I wrote “Green Fields”, I felt it was an answer to my prayers, to get up again and get out walking, I feel I have drifted a little for long enough, keeping some of the routines that help me along the way in this recovery, but abandoning others, like the daily walking.
There is a cheeky reference in there from a classic song, not sure whether anyone can spot it, there a clue included in the title too.
MERCY TREE by LACEY STURM On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree Every broke and weary soul Find your rest and be made whole
Stripes of blood that stain its frame Shed to wash away our shame From the scars pure love released Salvation brought the mercy tree
In the sky, between two thieves Hung the blameless Prince of Peace Bruised and battered, scarred and scorned Sacred Hands pierced by our thorns
It is finished was his cry The perfect Lamb was crucified The sacrifice, our victory. Our Savior chose the mercy tree
Hope went dark that violent day The whole earth ‘quaked at love’s display Three days silence in the ground This body born for Heaven’s crown
On that bright and glorious day Heaven opened up the grave He’s alive and risen indeed Praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
One day soon we’ll see His face And every tear, He’ll wipe a way No more pain or suffering Oh, praise him for the mercy tree
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
Death has died. Love has won! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has overcome. He has risen from the dead.
On a hill called Calvary Stands an endless mercy tree
It’s fair to say that this week has ended far better than it started. Last weekend was a tough one in many ways and I thank everyone who left a message of support. I very often find that when I share my struggle on this blog, it lifts the weight of it from my shoulders, it was certainly the case last Sunday, almost immediately after I had posted the gloom began to lift and I felt so much better.
As the weather has improved also as the week has gone on and I have managed to catch a few sunrises by the lake on the way to work, it seems like so long since I managed that, so as I always used to, I share the sunrises with you all.
Pastel Morning
Beyond The Blue
Fire In The Blue
Breaking The Dark
In The Blue
Between
Breaking
Highlighting
Risen
Skies
THANK YOU by JAKE HAMILTON & KIM WALKER-SMITH Thank you for the summer And thank you for the rain And thank you for the pleasure Thank you for the pain
Thank you for the flowers That bloom in early may And thank you for the winter That washes fall away
I want to say thank you Thank you for it all
Thank you for the deserts Thank you for the trees Thank you for the failures And for the victories
Thank you for the pruning That gives me room to grow Thank you for the seasons Where I learn to reap and sow
So come, let us worship Let us release a joyful sound Let us enter his presence Let us all bow down
It’s been sometime since I posted any photo’s on here, mostly because of the timing of my walks and the sunrise haven’t quite come together or in typical English fashion, the weather has been pretty lousy!
Despite the this morning being the first frost since the end of last winter, the sunrise was worth catching and sharing.
Beyond The Blue
Two In Flight
Rising Morning
First Signs
From Beyond
Blue Fades To Orange
Rising
Distant Sun
DISTANT SUN by CROWDED HOUSE Tell me all the things you would change I don’t pretend to know what you want When you come around and spin my top Time and again, time and again
No fire where I lit my spark I am not afraid of the dark Where your words devour my heart And put me to shame, put me to shame
When your seven worlds collide Whenever I’m by your side And dust from a distant sun Will shower over everyone
Still so young to travel so far Old enough to know who you are Wise enough to carry the scars Without any blame, there’s no one to blame
It’s easy to forget what you learned Waiting for the thrill to return Feeling your desire burn And drawn to the flame
When your seven worlds collide Whenever I’m by your side Dust from a distant sun Will shower over everyone Dust from a distant sun Will shower over everyone
And I’m lying on the table Washed out in a flood Like a Christian feeling vengeance from above I don’t pretend to know what you want But I offer love
Seven worlds will collide Whenever I’m by your side Dust from a distant sun Will shower over everyone
I have a couple of days of day job, I have quite a few days to get in before the end of the year, so I took a few whilst there is nobody else off.
So I started the day at 5am, determined to get out walking again, I actually planned on doing around 8 miles and catching the sunrise at the lake, after getting to the point where I was planning to turn back, I actually forgot to turn around and carried on all the way up the cycle track, eventually completing about 12 miles. Which actually turned out pretty well, as the sun never broke through the clouds at the lake, although it did turn the sky and the lake blood red, but it did break through by the time I got to the end of cycle track.
It’s not been an altogether lazy day either, I’ve got a survey drawing to do for the Architects, I’ve not measured it and there so many measurements missing, it’s a real tough one to do and the deadline it tomorrow, although I actually feel like finally saying stuff the deadline!
But the end of this month I’ll be owed 12 months of work, I’ve been patient, there are other circumstances which are beyond my control and are not as straight forward as simply not being paid, but I’ve been as fair as I possibly could. I was promised some of the money a couple of weeks ago and that I would be paid up to date by the end of the month, I didn’t hold my breath.
At the end of last week I was promised a substantial payment today, but once again, no sign of anything and yet again, I’m glad I never held my breath.
I’ll finish the drawing tomorrow, I have said I would and will keep my word, but after that, we’ll see.
But before that I will get out walking once again, another 12 miles should do the trick.
Early Glow
Fire Skies
Red Over The Water
Horizons
Breaking The Cloud
From Behind
Illuminating The Power Lines
Higher Power
In Flight
WE DANCE by STEFFANY FRIZZELL GRETZINGER & BETHEL MUSIC You steady me Slow and sweet, we sway Take the lead and I will follow Finally ready now To close my eyes and just believe That You won’t lead me Where You don’t go
When my faith gets tired And my hope seems lost You spin me round and round And remind me of that song The one You wrote for me And we dance
And I’ve been told To pick up my sword And fight for love Little did I know That Love had won for me Here in Your arms
You still my heart again And I breathe You in Like I’ve never breathed ’till now
When my faith gets tired And my hope seems lost You spin me round and round And remind me of that song The one You wrote for me And we dance And I will lock eyes With the One who’s ransomed me The One who gave me joy for mourning And I will lock eyes With the One who’s chosen me The One who set my feet to dancing?
We dance Just You and me It’s nice to know I’m not alone I found my home here in Your arms It’s nice to know I’m not alone? I found my home here in Your arms It’s nice to know I’m not alone I found my home here in Your arms
It’s funny sometimes where we get our messages from, I’ve said countless times before that God has spoken to me through music so many times, even before I was saved, in fact almost four years before I was saved I was been spoken to through music, I just didn’t know it at the time.
I still get messages through music, song’s I’ve heard so many times can just play at random moments and provoke such an emotion internally that I can be reduced to tears at times. That was kind of how this blog got started. I had looked at starting a blog, I had written a few of my earliest posts, but I had mothballed it all and put off doing it, partially out of fear, fear I may expose more of myself that I really wanted to.
Then one morning as I was walking a song came on my iPod which provoked such a feeling inside, one that just prompted that I had to do something, it was time to share my story, stop sitting on it and hiding it away, but share it for others in the hope that maybe just one person may be inspired or even saved by it, that was almost two years ago now, but the messages still keep coming.
Yet this morning I felt I was being spoken to from something completely different. I make no secret of the fact that this time last week I was feeling empty and dejected, I was losing hope and it took some soul searching to get beyond those dark moments.
So this morning I took a walk to watch the sunrise at the lake, I sat there for a while watching the clouds slowly drift by until the rising sun was revealed. But as I did so, something caught my eye just in front of my feet.
A little robin had landed at my feet and was quite contently walking around in front of me, merely feet from where I sat. I stayed as still as possible and just watched as it moved around. I had my iPhone in my hand and carefully took a few photo’s, doing my best not to startle the little thing. It hopped across onto the grass where it found a worm and after checking that I wasn’t going to challenge it for it’s meal, it devoured the worm and continued to hop around.
Little Robin
For a few minutes the little robin was quite content to be in my company, when I later moved around the lake and sat down at another position, it even came to me once more.
All morning I kept thinking how this little bird had not been worried about me, it was content and without too much trouble found the food it needed. So later in the morning I did a bible search for a verse I knew I had read many times and found it.
Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
So what have I been worrying about all week, why lose faith and hope, when this little bird has everything it needs, because the Lord has provided for it, if Jesus says that I am more valuable than this little bird, then the Lord will provide everything I need, all I have to do is just wait on the Lord.
So as I quite often do during Worship practice at Church, I sit down on my camera platform, listen to the band and start writing whatever is on my mind in form of a poem and came up with the basis of the poem “Sunrise & The Robin”.
It’s funny how last week and even yesterday I was writing from a position of emptiness and despair, but today I write from a completely different place, a place of hope and contentment, thanks to my little friend bringing me a word from God.
Oh, the sunrise was great too.
First Signs
Through The Gap
Breaking Beyond The Clouds
In The Light
The Gathering
The Glow
Swimming Through The Light
Beyond Silhouette
Between The Trees
EMBRACE by JAKE HAMILTON I want to feel Your embrace I want to feel Your arms around I want to feel Your heart beating Next to mine, next to mine
And it’s telling me
It’s all gonna be okay It’s all gonna be okay It’s all gonna be okay It’s all gonna be okay
I want to see You Your face Want to see who I can be Want to see what You can see In the mirror of Your eyes
And You’re telling me
It’s all gonna be okay It’s all gonna be okay It’s all gonna be okay It’s all gonna be okay
And I know, if Your eye is on the sparrow Than Your heart is on me
And I don’t have to wait To go to heaven when I die I wanna go right now We’re gonna go right now
‘Cause this is the sound of heaven Invading earth, this is the sound
I was scheduled for a sales meeting this morning over in Boston, my lift to the meeting was to be with the Area Director, essentially my manager’s boss, I wasn’t really looking forward to that, I thought he would grill me about work, which after the stresses of last week was the last thing I wanted to discuss.
Thankfully we spoke about everything but, mainly about our kids and the hours they spend on computer games and our own experiences when we were young, it was quite an enjoyable chat in all honesty. The sales meeting wasn’t that bad either, nothing I hadn’t heard before, there were a few people who enjoyed the sound of their own voice, but once again in all honesty, not that bad.
This all meant a change in schedule, I needed to be at work a little earlier than usual, so I decided to get up early, get ready for work and catch the early sunrise before I had to be at work.
I’m glad I did, the effects of the sun lighting the steam as it rose from the lake was very intriguing.
SUNRISE
First Sign
Eye On The Blue
Beyond Silhouette
From Between
Partial Eclipse
STEAM
Igniting The Steam
Steam Of Orange
Rising Glow
Highlights
Risen Illumination
BEAMS
First Beams
Reaching Across
Beyond The Leaf
Rays Over The Blue
Double Beams
FREE by SHERWOOD Something’s wrong Wrapped up in mourning for far too long Sunken eyes tracing the pavement and crooked lines Paint us with crosses and sleepless night
And hope to be free We just want to be free Hope to be free Who’s gonna set us free?
Overgrown All our mistakes are deceives we’ve sewn Is it time? I saw the stones rolling back their eyes Holding their breath until they see the light
It ought to be free We just want to be free We just want to be free Who’s gonna set us free?
With our golden hair in silent sway We’ll be home when brother finds his way With our golden hair in silent sway We’ll be home when brother finds his way With our golden hair in silent sway We’ll be home when brother finds his way
With our golden hair in silent sway We’ll be home when brother finds his way With our golden hair in silent sway We’ll be home when brother finds his way
For the second day running I was up and out before 5am, ready for a long walk and to see yet another sunrise.
It may be the same sun, but it’s definitely a new day and different sky, but yet another great sunrise.
As long as the sunrise is different each morning, no day will ever be the same, there to be embraced.
Sky Ribbons
Over Deep Blue
Alone In The Blue
Highlight The Clouds
Frayed Within The Waters
Creeping Through
Breaking The Horizon
Between The Blue
Through Morning Leaf
Above The Trees Beyond
Across The Blue Waters
I love this song, it’s hard not to.
ANGELS ON THE MOON by THRIVING IVORY Do you dream that the world will know your name? So tell me your name Do you care about all the little things or anything at all? I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel I wanna sunburn, just to know that I’m alive To know I’m alive
Don’t tell me if I’m dying ‘Cause I don’t wanna know If I can’t see the sun, maybe I should go Don’t wake me ’cause I’m dreaming Of angels on the moon Where everyone you know Never leaves too soon
Do you believe, in the day that you were born Tell me do you believe? Do you know, that every day’s the first Of the rest of your life?
Don’t tell me if I’m dying ‘Cause I don’t wanna know If I can’t see the sun Maybe I should go Don’t wake me ’cause I’m dreaming Of angels on the moon Where everyone you know Never leaves too soon.
This is to one last day in the shadows And to know a brother’s love This is to New York City angels And the rivers of our blood This is to all of us To all of us
Don’t tell me if I’m dying ‘Cause I don’t wanna know If I can’t see the sun Maybe I should go Don’t wake me ’cause I’m dreaming Of angels on the moon Where everyone you know never leaves too soon
You can tell me all your thoughts About the stars that fill polluted skies And show me where you run to When no one’s left to take your side But don’t tell me where the road ends ‘Cause I just don’t wanna know No I don’t wanna know
Don’t tell me if I’m dying Don’t tell me if I’m dying
One of the greatest things I enjoy most these days is seeing a great sunrise. When I was drinking, I had no thought of getting out of bed in the morning, I would sleep as long as I could and hide in my own home, behind the close curtains, not letting the outside world see the real me, the hopeless addict.
Since God set me free from that pain, I get to get up early, leave the house in the dark and walk into the light of the day, to watch the beauty of some great sunrises. Today was no different, the sun turned the frayed edges of the clouds, firstly deep red and then to gold, an amazing scene I could never see from behind the curtains I made my prison walls.
Into The Reflections
Frayed Red
Gold to Red to Blue
Fires Of Red
Edges In Red
Fading Red
Bridging Red To Gold
First Signs
Skies In Gold
The Centre
Gold On Reflection
Hidden Gold
Tips Of Gold
Morning Branches
Gold
Light Of The Morning
THIS AIN’T HOME by SEABIRD With every lie you told You dug a deeper hole You should know I’ve been down that road I can show you where it goes If you wanna know, it won’t lead you home
And why would we cry for your soul when you’re made of gold? And why would we lie when you know that this ain’t home?
I know you’ve been afraid That’s why you stay awake All night and sleep through the day Hoping to find a hand you can hold Before you grow up and grow old
And why would we cry for your soul when you’re made of gold? And why would we lie when you know that this ain’t home? Everyone needs a hand to hold onto Everyone needs a place to come home to Hope you find a song to remind you Everyone everyone…
And why would we cry for your soul when you’re made of gold? And why would we lie when you know that this ain’t home? Everyone needs a hand to hold onto Everyone needs a place to come home to Hope you find a song to remind you Everyone everyone…
And why would we cry for your soul when you’re made of gold? And why would we lie when you know that this ain’t home? Everyone needs a hand to hold onto Everyone needs a place to come home to Hope you find a song to remind you Everyone everyone…
Yeah this ain’t home
So please baby please I’m begging you to show me That you still believe that I won’t end up lonely And please baby please I’m begging you to help me…
The Bottom of a Bottle 