Tag Archives: Born Again

Verse of the Day – 1 Corinthians 4:1-2

1 Corinthians 4:1-2

1 Corinthians 4:1-2

If we are the servants of the Lord, we have received His word, His wisdom.  As His servants we must prove faithful by spreading this great word, this great wisdom, there are those that do not know, those that need to find a way out of where they are.

I was once like that, then one night, someone came and told me of the word of God, since that day my life has not been the same, that night doors opened, light came in and I came alive.

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY and LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life
 

Leaving The Past Behind

Sometimes we have to put aside that which holds us down, that which keeps us trapped, that which is the destroyer of our souls.

Five years ago life was changing rapidly, I was now finding a way through that I had never dreamed off, only a week before I was torn between life and death, between holding on and simply giving up on life and everything that goes with it.

But that voice, the voice I later found to be God’s stopped me in my tracks, made me see I had some worth to someone, even if I had none to myself. From that moment chains were snapping, things were changing, a mind set for despair began to see life. That morning after I made a phone call that changed everything for good, last week I described how that single call to my Pastor tore the veil that was shrouding me, the world began to see my pain and more importantly I began to see God.

Two nights later, I prayed for the first time. It had been a long hard day at work, after a nine and half hour shift, I went straight to the architects to do what I thought would only be about an hours work, then home. But they had more work for me than I anticipated and the more I rushed, the more mistakes and the longer it took, I was getting stressed, I had not had much more than three hours sleep over the preceding two nights and I wanted to go home and have a drink, the desperation was returning. I remember thinking to myself it would be fine, on the way home pick up two bottles of wine, drink them both and relax!

After about two hours I finally left, it was gone 7.30pm, over twelve hours since I left home that morning for work, I was tired, irritable and desperate.

I went home, had something to eat, watched some TV and then decided I was bored, so time for bed.

What I didn’t realise was that was almost 11.30pm, but not only that I hadn’t had a drink, I hadn’t stopped off at the shop in the way home, I had gone straight home and what’s more, I don’t remember any of the anguish or desperation that had been there in the preceding weeks. At no point had I paced the house, scratching at the skin on my arms, whilst I tried to resist a drink, there was none of that, but a sense of peace was there.

I turned everything off, laid down, closed my eyes and prayed, I thanked God for that strength to get through without drinking and I asked for the strength to get through each day like that, then I closed my eyes and slept.

Having not really being able to sleep at anytime without a drink over the last few years, in particular the previous two nights, when I woke with my alarm, I realised I had just experienced the most peaceful sleep of my whole life, at that moment I cried as I realised God had heard and answered my prayer, He had brought a peace that is hard to describe, other that absolutely amazing.

By the time Sunday came around, I had only had six pints since the previous weekend, a fraction of what I drank on the previous Sunday and since my phone call, I had brought nothing into my house and had drunk nothing in my house either.

From the previous weekend there was about a third of a bottle of wine left, I had placed it on the top of the fridge. All week I had walked past that bottle, but eventually I began to speak out to it, I told this bottle that it couldn’t have me, it had no power over me, I had a plan for it and as Sunday came around, it was time to action that plan. It was time to say goodbye to some of my past.

I didn’t feel I was ready for Church yet, although I knew that was to be my destiny, but I knew certain things had to be dealt with before I could walk into Church. So I set off into town, I needed the largest plastic container that I could find, yet still carry home.

I brought the container home and began to fill it. Firstly I took all my bedding and put it at the bottom of the box, it all stank of the alcohol I had spilt on it over the years, I had become quite good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, eventually I didn’t spill much, I would wake in the morning with this open bottle, drink the rest and then go to work, that was who I had become, so the smell of sweat and alcohol mixed had to go, I had purchased new bedding, so this was to go.

On top of that I placed the clothes I had been sleeping in, just a tatty tracksuit, a couple of t-shirts and all my worn out underwear and socks, these were the clothes I would lounge about the house in and drink in, like my bedding they had that stale smell of sweat and alcohol mixed, they had to go too. On top of those I added my watch, the fabric strap had the same smell, that had to go with the rest of it.

Then with the box almost full there was one thing left to go in, the last bottle of wine that I had ever purchased, is was only a third full, but it wasn’t going to be drank, this was the plan I had for it all week, to be put in this box and put it away with the rest of my past. I placed it carefully on top of everything else and closed the box. On the box in marker pen, I wrote the date and “This Is Where The Healing Begins”. Then I took the box down into the cellar and placed it with all the other forgotten rubbish we had collected over the years.

The box remains there, five years on.

The Forgotten Box

The Forgotten Box

I honestly don’t remember what prompted me to do this, I cannot remember that actual point that I came up with the idea, it just became a plan that I thought of and put into action. In a way I had to make a symbolic gesture of packing away a part of my life that I didn’t need or want anymore, to make a positive action to say goodbye to the part of me that would lounge around the house drinking, the new me was rising and there was no space in my life anymore for this version of me,it had to be packed away.

I do recall reading a story of a girl in America who gave away a razor blade that she had used to cut herself with to the band Tenth Avenue North, one of their songs had inspired her to quit self harming, so when she met the band she made that gesture, maybe this was what inspired me, I can’t honestly remember, but I knew it was something I had to do.

Four days later, 29th March 2012, I took my last drink, the next morning I woke free, knowing I had made the choice to never drink again, I knew I had the strength now to resist and that I would never have to wake feeling fuzzy ever again, then just a few days later I would walk into the Everyday Champions Church and knew I had found my home.

God had lead me home!

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY ft LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

A Life In A Box

I guess sometimes you just have to pack things away and say goodbye to them, there was a day in my life where I had to do that, if I was ever going to break the chains that alcohol had gripped me with, then I had to start breaking them one by one.

It started the day when I met with Gareth, the day before had been the lowest day of my life, I had been face to face with the mirror, telling myself the world would better off if I was dead, God had broken that cycle of thought and even though I still drank that evening, there was a feeling of hope and optimism.

The next morning I called Gareth, we met later that evening and things began to change, they prayed for me that evening and for the first time I felt I was ready to accept God.

The evening before I had quite finished the second bottle of wine, I had had five pints of strong cider at the pub, picked up two bottles of wine on the way home and started on them as soon as I got in.

Usually if I fall asleep part way through a bottle, I would wake up and then finish it, even if it was 6.30am and I started work an hour later, I could easily drown half a bottle and get ready for work, still nobody suspected a thing. I had also become good at falling asleep with an open bottle of wine in my hand, note I never used glasses at home, I drank straight from the bottle, but I could fall asleep with a bottle in my hand and wake still holding tightly and not a drop being spilt either, I could even do it with full cans too.

Before my meeting with Gareth, I came back from work and Victoria was just getting ready to go out, she asked me the question she always asked if she was going out….

“Do you need to go to the shop?”

Essentially asking if I needed to go and buy alcohol, I was horrified! Normally I would say yes, grab what money I could find and head off to the shop, but this evening I knew there was no way I could drink in front of these two people, how could she think I would need to. I guess she though I would need it afterwards, but in my mind I knew this would be the start of the fight back.

I mentioned the fact to Gareth and Alex, that I had just under half a bottle of wine left and I may or may not drink it when they had gone. But really when they entered my house, so did an element of protection, they opened the door to God in my life and he walked in and threw His protection all over me. When they had gone, I had no inclination to drink from that bottle, it stayed where I had placed it earlier that day, on top of the fridge. There was a peace of sorts now upon me and drinking that bottle never crossed my mind, neither did the thought of going out to buy more.

That bottle stayed where I had placed it that morning for the next six days, I hatched a plan for it and that part of my life that it represented. Each day I walked passed the bottle, I looked up at it, but I would point a finger at it and talk to it. Each time I walked by I would tell it that it couldn’t have me, it wasn’t going to win, I wasn’t giving in to it anymore, victory would be mine and it was part of my plan to turn my life around.

Although as that week went by, I was still drinking, I would still have a drink a the pub after teaching, I was getting control back, I would only have two pints and then go, I wouldn’t try to persuade anyone to drink with me or stay a little longer, even though they didn’t want to, I would just get up and leave.  And that Sunday, as low as it was, was the last time any alcohol was ever brought into this house.

So come the following Sunday I put my plan into action, in my mind I wasn’t ready to go to Church yet, I was still drinking and I still had things I had to sort out. I was praying each day by now, simply asking for strength to get though each day. Each day I was trying to make changes in my life, changes for the better, starting to look after myself, no longer was I the unshaven, unkept and an unclean shadow of my former self that I had let myself become, I was turning things around.

So that morning I walked into town and brought the biggest plastic storage box I could, together with new bedding. When I got home I took all my old bedding and the old pillows and placed them in the bottom of this new box. Each night all I could smell on them was the stale odour of sweat and alcohol, I needed to lay my head on something clean, so now I had new bedding, that smelt new and not like the old me.

Then I took all the old clothes which I would lounge about the house in, all the socks and underwear that were torn and worn out, the clothes that reminded me of the unkept wretch I had faced in the mirror just the Sunday before. I even put in my watch, the fabric strap had the same stale smell to it, I had to be rid of it.

By now the box was pretty full, there was just enough room for one more thing, so I went into the kitchen and took down the bottle from the fridge and placed it on top of everything else. I closed the box, took a marker pen and wrote on the side of the box…

“I don’t need these anymore, to be put in the cellar with rest of the rubbish.
This is where the healing begins. Wayne Sunday 25th March 2012″

The Forgotten Box

The Forgotten Box

This was one of those moments where something inside told me to do this, a sort of cleansing from my life of all that reminded me of the person I had become, but desperately didn’t want to be anymore. That guy died in front of that mirror the week before, the guy that was placing these items in that box was a new being, he was fighting, he hadn’t given in.

It would be another four days until I finally took that last drink and then the following Sunday I walked into Church, it had been an eventful two weeks, but one that was full of God, from the moment He spoke to me in my hopelessness in front of the mirror, to now being in Church and God making me feel like I was home.

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY & LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

Verse of the Day – 1 Peter 1:23

1 Peter 1:23

1 Peter 1:23

I am thankful for the amazing gift from God that gave me a second chance at life with Him.

BORN AGAIN by NEWSBOYS
I found myself looking into the mirror
Knew I wasn’t who I wanted to be
I was living life the way that I wanted
But my eyes reminded me I’m not free

Believed a lie so everything that I know
Says I gotta go, tired of going solo
But I’m never gonna go there again

This is what it is, this is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl
I met the one with two scarred hands

Giving Him the best of
Everything that’s left of
The life inside this man
I’ve been born again

I see ya walking like you’re living in fear
Having trouble even looking at me
Wishing they would give you more than words
Sick of people telling how it should be

What’d ya download? Where’d ya get your info?
You saw that I’m sure, now you’re in the in though
Gonna tell you what I believe

This is what it is, this is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl
I met the one with two scarred hands

Giving Him the best of
Everything that’s left of
The life inside this man
I’ve been born again

We are the ones they call by name
I’m never gonna look back
Let go, let go, the guilt, the shame
Said, I’m never gonna look back
This is who I am

This is what it is, this is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl
I met the one with two scarred hands

Giving Him the best of
Everything that’s left of
The life inside this man
I’ve been born again

This is who I am
I didn’t wanna fall but I don’t have to crawl
I met the one with two scarred hands

Giving Him the best of
Everything that’s left of
The life inside this man
I’ve been born again
I’ve been born again

Verse of the Day – Isaiah 43:25

Isaiah 43:25

Isaiah 43:25

Having posted earlier about dealing with the daily consequences of my past, I am so glad I found this verse this evening.

BORN AGAIN by THIRD DAY & LACEY STURM
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

Memories From The Beginning Of The Journey

Last night before I sat down to write my journal entry for the day, I had a read of my journal from last year, the very days that covered this weekend a year ago, purely to see how I was feeling and where I was with things at that time, I found what I had written was interesting to say the least, again I seemed to be incredibly motivated to move forward despite still struggling with a number of issues.

Saturday 24th March 2012  (Day 6)

“The now usual start to the day, up with the alarm, listen to Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North.  Breakfast, coffee, shower, shave and off to work.  Quick morning at work today, pretty steady really for a Saturday, away just after twelve and then off to town.  First to Boyes, more new underwear, then to Burtons, two pairs of trousers and a new belt, £50 well spent, this feels good, never understood “Retail Therapy” before, but it does feel good to have something new in my life at a time when I’m troubled by my past!!!  Now for some new shoes from Clarks, another £45, that’s £110 spent so far, what else, Oh new sock while I’m at it, Sports World it is and another £12 spent, I haven’t spent that much on myself in ages, unless you count the alcohol, but I guess I never did.  Karate this afternoon, off I go.

Not a bad class today, went okay, but the day was soon to be shattered.  Alex joined Craig and myself at the pub, I promised I’m only going to have three pints, then that’s it, home!  As we talked I decided it was time to open up, I told them everything, my relationship, but mostly about me, my demon, THE DRINK, the strange thing was the more I tried to tell them how bad I was, the more I admitted to myself how bad it really was, hiding bottles of wine by the side of the settee, under my covers, then deposing of the bottles the next day, waking up in the morning finishing a can or bottles, then getting up and going to work, no one noticed, only I knew, but I hid it all the same, I had hid it from myself, too ashamed to admit, I had myself convinced I needed it to survive, I was that low, even the two people who knew me most, besides Victoria, had no idea where I was, how far I had sunk, they knew I drunk a fair amount, but they never knew how much control it had over me, I hid it all so well, those walls, glass as they were, stood pretty well for a time, but now, now they’re coming down, so I can see the light.

I had a few tears in the pub, a few tears on the way home and when I got home, the shame of what I was had dawned, I didn’t just put a show on to hide this from others, I managed to hide it from myself, but I’ve got to live with that now, I’ve got to use this to make me a stronger person, to take back my life, to be in control, to move on to where ever this new journey takes me, after all I’ve got plans for tomorrow, the first big steps to breaking the chains holding me to that settee!”

Sunday 25th March 2012 (Day 7)

“Who ever come up with the idea of daylight saving time, wants shooting, I’m awake, my watch says it’s 4.30am, my phone, the smart git, says it’s 5.30am, I’m awake with no possibility of getting back to sleep now, the Grand Prix coverage starts at 7.00am, may as well stay awake now, up early still about 7am, breakfast, shower etc, ready for the start of the race and they’re off, oh wait, it’s too wet they’re stopping again. I wanted to see the race before I go into town, oh well.  I texted Gareth to tell him how my week had been, the highs and lows and praying, let him know I won’t be there this week, things to do to move on, maybe next week.  With the race delayed I decided to go into town and get back before the race finished, I walk fast anyway, but now with my head up, with this new determination I seem to walk even faster.

Wilko’s this time,
1 x Large Plastic Box
3 x Pillow
3 x Pillow Case
1 x Notepad, this journal, they didn’t have any diaries
1 x Ink cartridge pen (what rubbish that was!)
1 x Permanent Marker

Argos next,
1 x New watch

My watch works fine, but the fabric strap smells of the sweat of who I was, it had to go, as Victoria had brought me the watch, I got the same one, I only wanted rid of the smell, not the present, I hope that makes sense!

The Box
The large plastic box was to put in the things that remind me of the slob tied to that settee, the first thing was the pillows, the smell of what I was, the sweat of alcohol has stained them forever, to move they had to go, to the bottom of the box, next every pair of socks and pants that were ripped or torn, I’m not wearing the same things over and over again, I want to be clean and proud of what I am, not dressed in tatty rubbish.  Next my tracksuit bottoms and top, the bottoms were worn over and over again, slept in and then I got up and went out in them over and over again, I’m not doing that again, I’m better, I’m stronger than that now, next the watch, as I said it smells of the past, then finally the third of a bottle of wine left on the fridge, laid carefully on top and the lid closed.  Then the marker to mark the box, I don’t need these things anymore, the healing has begun, I put the box at the door to the cellar ready to go down there with the rest of the rubbish.

Victoria must have seen the box when she got back, she never asked what it was, I guess I wanted her to, I wanted to tell her what it was doing there, what was in it, but I couldn’t, I’m not sure why not, it just didn’t seem right, later I put the box in the cellar, part of that life is now put away, a bit more to do next week, but a bit at a time, lots of small changes is my plan, next week a new quilt, then I’ll be ready for my bed upstairs, but I can’t go there with the old bedding, everything has to be new, with that old stale smell of sweat and alcohol washed away.

Alex texted me midway through the service, maybe something Gareth said reminded him to check in, I filled him in on my week, said I may see him next week, we’ll see!

Couple of pints and tea at the pub, then home!  Sorted a lot out today, some big changes really since I laid my soul bare on Monday night.  The funny thins is I’m not sure whether Victoria has noticed, I’ve not told her what was said Monday, where I was and what changes I’ve made this week, especially not about praying or wanting to go to Church.  I guess she may have seen the changes, some would be hard to miss, I guess she’s chosen to ignore them, to see them as me trying a quick fix, just to impress her.  I know I’ve come a very long way this week, but there is a very long way to go still and I promise this is all for me, to save myself from self destruction, to start to like myself, to feel better about myself, to be a stronger person, strong enough to deal with the future, strong enough not to hide behind a glass bottle, to admit when I need help, not convince myself and others I’m okay, when really I was slowly killing myself, dodgy ticker and all, my doesn’t need all of that extra rubbish to cope with, it’s time to right a lot of wrongs, the first is to get better, to get fit.

THIS IS MY TIME!!!!

So tonight, Sunday 25th March 2012, I’ve started writing this, Gareth said sometimes he has to write things down, it helps to empty a very busy mind, it sure has helped, my mind has been truly busy this past few weeks, trying to make sense of it all, to try to get some clarity, putting it down here, even though my spelling is terrible and my handwriting even worse, it has helped as much as talking to people of the last week!”

THE HEALING HAS BEGUN

 THE LIGHT HAS MET THE DARK

I remember that evening when I sat in the pub with Craig and Alex from my karate club, they were my regular drinking buddies, I say that, but Craig didn’t drink anymore, he was never a big drinker and Alex only usually had a couple of pints, I remember it was me that forced him to stay longer every night, to drink with me, I wanted to drink more and more, if someone drank with me it seemed to be more justifiable.  I was trying to tell them about the drinking, but they didn’t understand, they were saying that they didn’t see it as a problem, that it was just enjoying a drink, but I found myself getting aggressive with them to make them understand, as well as the aggression I had to dig deep within to discover and admit to myself how bad I was, when I found it deep inside and let it out, all the completely ugly details, they finally began to understand and so did I.  I know I told Gareth and Alex (not the same Alex, confusing I know) a lot about my drinking habits and over the course of the week had told many others, but it wasn’t until this night when it all came out, when I finally admitted to myself all the dirty, sordid details of my habit.

That box I have written about in detail here in the post The Forgotten Box, I put my old life in that box that day, to me it was important that I did so, I’m still to this day not sure what gave me the idea to do it, I don’t remember anyone suggesting it, but I made my mind up during the week that this is what I was going to do and actually I’m quite proud of myself for doing it.

Also interesting is my thoughts on Victoria, I must point out at no point then and no point now do I blame Victoria for any of this, she put up with so much, eventually every one has a breaking point, I just kept pushing so hard until I found her’s.  I suppose I was still trying to convince myself that I was actually doing this for myself, I am sure I was, I knew I had to, that whatever was to happen between me and Victoria, it would never happen if I continued to be the same person, to stand any chance of a relationship with Victoria or indeed anybody else, I needed to change, at that point I saw myself as washed up and unlovable, I carried so much baggage that who would want a relationship with me and to be honest would I actually want a relationship with someone that did want to be with who I was!

But despite the realisation of my drinking and my regrets over my relationship, I seemed to be very motivated to push on with the new journey I had started, I realised then I was starting a new life, I guess that meeting with Gareth earlier in the week was the starting point, even though I didn’t start praying until a couple of nights later, that was the day I resolved to sort my life out, in making that phone call I guess I knew then that it would have to be a journey with a higher power to sort this mess out, that’s why I back dated my journal to start that day, that day is labelled in my journal as day one of this wonderful journey.

Today is day 371 of that journey, I still count every day together with every SoberDay, today is SoberDay 360, just five days to go until that magical year, I suppose there is a certain irony that the anniversary of that first year of sobriety will be on Good Friday and the anniversary of that first time I walked into the Everyday Champions Church in search of something more would be on Easter Sunday.

I know I’ve used this song before in the post 200 Days Of Freedom, but this song just sums everything up for me, those first lines of the song completely sum up what was happening to me at that time in my life.

Well today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man I saw
He wasn’t at all who I thought he would be
I was lost when you found me here
I was broken beyond repair
Then You came along
And You sang your song over me
(Born Again by Third Day, ft. Lacey Sturm)

200 Days of Freedom

When I look at a calendar it always seems like a month is a long time, just one month comprising of 30 days seems so, so long.  If you’ve got to wait 30 days for something it always seems a long way away, until all of a sudden it’s there and takes you by surprise, so 200 days?

Well, this day took me by surprise, only on Saturday did I realize that today 15th October 2012 would mark 200 days without a drink, 200 days of FREEDOM, 200 days DRY, 200 days SOBER, 200 days of the craziest rollercoaster ride you could ever image.

201 days ago, there seemed like there was no chance of making it through 200 hours without a drink, in reality 200 minutes without a drink was a struggle at times, so 200 days, well I am going to celebrate, I have had an extra bowl of Coco Pops and now for a glass of lime cordial, as you can see I am really pushing the boat out here.

As well as it being 200 days since my last drink, it is also exactly 30 weeks since the night I sat on this settee, the very sette that I am writing from now, a broken man pouring his heart out to his Pastor, not knowing at that point what I wanted to achieve or what I was planning to do about it, only knowing that it all had to change.  I class that day as the first day of my life, that day my whole outlook changed, it may have took me two days to find the courage to pray and ten days to find the strength to quit drinking for good, but that day was where it all started, that was the day after I was honestly ready to end it all, so that Monday it all started again, a new journey, a new life.

Quite simply, I feel like I’m born again.

I was lost when you found me here
I was broken beyond repair
Then You came along
And You sang your song over me
(Born Again by Third Day ft. Lacey Sturm of Flyleaf)

Has it been easy, well no, I can honestly say it hasn’t, the early days were hard, the withdrawals were brutal, but it does get easier and I can tell you now all the pain worth it.

When I stopped drinking, I weighed in at a portly 13 stone (182lbs), now I weigh in at a trim 10 stone (140lbs), I still want to lose a little bit more, not much more, but my target is 9st 10lbs, so I’m nearly there.  I feel better and if I don’t say so myself, I look better.

I can’t say that everything in my life is fantastic, it isn’t.  I still have issues in my life that I have to deal with, but I choose not to let them drag me down, these are challenges that at this point in my recovery I have no influence on, situations that are currently beyond my control, so if I can’t do anything to change them, then I simply choose to rise above them, I let all these things get to me before and look where that got me.

Let face it, if my God would not permit me to take my own life, I am sure he won’t let anybody else take it from me either, there is nothing that anyone or anything can do to me that is more dangerous or deadly than I was doing to myself.