Tag Archives: Building 429

Not Crying Over Spilt Paint!!!!

Do you ever get those feelings where today is just not your day?  I certainly had that feeling this morning, it wasn’t a good start to the day at all.

Within the first hour at work, I was picking stock to go out on a delivery when I accidentally knocked a 5 litre tin of black paint off the bottom shelf, I watched in horror as it hit the floor and the lid fly off, with black paint spilling all over the shop floor!

What a mess!

Certainly not one of my best moments, I cleaned it all up, but I wasn’t in the good books, my boss, although not blaming me and accepting it was an accident, wasn’t happy, especially as a number of packs of oak flooring had been covered in black paint and therefore all but ruined.

The day got a little better, but I guess I will have to live with jokes about black paint for a few weeks, until someone else drops a clanger at least.

When I got home this afternoon I was at a bit low, but it struck me as to where I am at the moment, that I was actually able to deal with the situation without panic and with a calm and composed way.  Back in November there were situations at work that were far less serious that I was ready to walk out over, back then I was in such a state I was incapable of dealing with anything remotely stressful, anything out of the normal was a struggle for me, I certainly would have freaked out over doing something like this.

If I look back at my journey across the sands over these last few months, there are certainly only one set of footprints, I can only thank God for carrying my through it all.

YOU CARRIED ME by BUILDING 429
I’ve been so busy
I missed the reasons
I missed Your love
and I nearly missed it all

Still You’ve held me
And You’ve healed me
You’ve given all
And it brought me to Your cross

And I stand only because
You’ve given me grace to walk
Only because

You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You’ll carry me all the way home
‘Cause mercy covers all

I know the scripture
I’ve known the songs
I sang the words
from my hollowed heart

But You’ve spoken softly
Through the storm
I’ve heard Your voice
and I’ve felt the calm

I stand only because
You’ve given me faith to walk
Only because

You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You’ll carry me all the way home

Lord I know that you love me
I’ll never doubt it
I can’t live without it
Your mercy has found me
I am astounded
I can’t live without it, oooh

You carried me, You carried me
You carried me through it all…

You carried me
You carried me
And I believe
Yeah I believe
You’ll carry me all the way home
‘Cause mercy covers all
Mercy covers all
Yeah, yeah
And I believe

Swimming Against The Deluge

It’s another one of those can’t sleep mornings, it’s seems the five hour limit has kicked in and regardless of how tired I feel I am wide awake once again.

Yesterday wasn’t really any better than Tuesday, the low feelings seem to be continuing, the only respite seemed to come at my Connect Group meeting, where I began to feel a little more with it and then they surprised me with a birthday cake, which was really nice.

Today is not looking great either, I’m back in Court as a witness again, even though my evidence is now irrelevant since the last Court date, I still have to be there.  I can safely say I am really not looking forward to it, I hated it last time and in my current frame of mind I really could do without it, but I have no choice.

Being awake at 4.30am is never really fun, especially when your mind seems to be working overtime, which mine seems to do far too much at the moment.  But I began thinking about something that happened a few months ago, a couple of weeks before this depression started.

At times when I have prayed I have seen things, nothing particularly graphic, just images really.  But one Sunday something happened that at the time I didn’t understand.  After Church, as I had a bit of lunch before setting off to karate, I saw a vision that played out in front of me, like watching a video.  As I say I’ve seen things before, but never like this, not as graphic as this.

I saw myself walking up a couple of steps, when in the distance a rush of water came down the pathway and washed me away from view, then after a short while I reappeared and tried once more to get up the steps against the tide of the oncoming water, I got back up one of the steps only to be washed away again.

I never really understood what I was seeing, this was the first time I had a vision like this and I didn’t know why or what it meant.

I’m beginning to maybe think that maybe this is what I’m going through now, the onset of the depression a few weeks ago was hard to get up from, it hit me out of nowhere and yes it wiped me out, then just as I feel like I’m getting somewhere, after starting the medication and beginning to feel more positive, I now feel like after getting back on my feet and trying again, I’m being washed away again.

The vision ended there, I didn’t see whether I got back up again, hopefully that isn’t the end, the rest is up to me now, do I stay down or get up and keep trying, there were only a couple of steps and the water can’t continue forever, I just need to get on my feet again and keep trying, regardless of how many attempts it takes me get up those steps.

Hopefully today is not that stressful and I get through it without too much stress.  Maybe after today or possibly after my birthday is out of the way tomorrow, I can get myself into a Christmas mood, at the moment that’s not looking too hopeful.

ALL I’M HOLDING by BUILDING 429
I’m tired from all I’ve held onto
Weighed down by all that isn’t true
I’m bound by my failure
I’m weak from all I’ve tried to be
So far from ever being worthy
I’m going under
But you say
Let go

You buried my shame
You carried the weight of all my burdens
And all I’m holding now is You
You broke every chain
You lifted the weight of all my burdens
And all I’m holding now is You

If my world crashes to the sea
You’re still everything I need
Oh God, help me to believe
When You say
Let go

You buried my shame
You carried the weight of all my burdens
And all I’m holding now is You
You broke every chain
You lifted the weight of all my burdens
And all I’m holding now is You

It’s You
We’re holding You
We’re lifting empty hands to You
And it’s You
We’re holding You
We’re lifting empty hands to You

You buried my shame
And carried the weight of all my burdens
And all I’m holding now is You
You broke every chain
You lifted the weight of all my burdens
And all I’m holding now is You

It’s You
We’re holding You
We’re lifting empty hands to You
And it’s You
We’re holding You
We’re lifting empty hands to You
To You

Movember, Er I Don’t Think I Will, Sorry!

This week has passed by so quickly, it doesn’t seem like just days since I was feeling alone, crying in the darkness of the world my addiction brought me too, but thankfully as the days pass things get back to normal, I pick myself up and carry on where I left off, Sunday afternoon was just one of those moments that come and go, they are hard to take when the arise, but as long as I keep conquering them as I go, that’s what really matters most.

So another month also come towards it’s close, we’ve run out of money once again, but we’ll get through it, we always do, payday’s only a few days away!

But as October comes to a close and November dawns, I hear talk of people looking towards Movember once again. Friends I hear discussing their plans for their facial hair growth and their ability to cultivate something worthy of the cause.

But I have a problem with this and it goes right back to the morning I rang Gareth, straight after that phone call I jumped in the shower, shaved and set a routine I promised myself I would follow daily, without fail.

That was the first steps of change I put in place, mainly because of the months and years previously I had really given up on looking after myself. Before I started full time work in November 2011, I was only doing the odd days work here and there, maybe a few days at a time or a week possibly, but then nothing for sometime, it was really hit and miss, unfortunately my life followed the same process, except for the drinking, there was never a miss there, that was one thing I never let slip.

It started as a lazy thing, days where I had no work, I would just simply languish beneath the covers for the whole day, therefore if I never got up then I wouldn’t really do anything, that includes wash, shave, etc, oh yes I was a complete mess of a person.

Should I have to go out to work or karate, well I would make a bit of an effort, but it really was just patching over the cracks. Clean my teeth and just flatten my hair, that would be about it, throw on a track suit or something just a casual and well worn.

But I also got to the point whether I was working or languishing ad home in the darkness, I wouldn’t shave for weeks, sometimes even months. It just took the form of a wiry mess, not a cultivated work of art I hear people planning, no I looked like the old saying, like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards.

At the the time I have to say I wasn’t bothered how I looked, equally I didn’t give a damn what others thought, after all they weren’t me, they weren’t fighting what I was fighting, they didn’t know what I was going through and they certainly didn’t know that I just wanted to give up.

So when I put the phone down after making that phone call to Gareth, I knew that all had to change. I knew I had to change a lot about who I was, the first thing was to start looking after myself and more importantly, starting to love myself, let’s face it and I remember saying this to Gareth that night, if I can’t love myself, how can I expect others to love me too!

I know that’s not entirely true, God’s love for me is unceasing, no matter whether I shave or not, but when I think of not shaving I associate that with everything that brought out the worst in me and that dark period of my life when I came so close to losing it!

So forgiven me, but this November I will be shaving every morning, there will be no cultivating of an art form on my top lip, I will be clean shaven the whole way, I have my reasons and they’re important to me.

So I write this whilst I’m sat listening to our Worship team practise a new song for this Sunday’s service, which I know I only used the very song they were practising last Thursday, but forgive me, I’m going to use it again.

WE WON’T BE SHAKEN by BUILDING 429
This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won’t be shaken

You know my every longing
You’ve heard my every prayer
You’ve held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I’ll stand in full surrender
It’s your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken

We will trust in you
We will not be moved
We will trust in you

It’s All An Act of Balance

This last week there has been a fair amount of discussion at our Church about the alignment in our lives and also getting the balance right, which over the last few days has got me thinking, about what I’ve learnt in my life that could help me to get my balance and alignment right.

Physical balance is not the easiest thing in the world to learn and to perfect, it takes time, concentration and endeavour, I guess much like life itself.

When I first walked into a karate class, 33 years ago this month, I was just six years old, small for my age (not much changes there), I was weak and very shy, immensely shy, not much changes at all really!

I wasn’t a natural at karate, I struggled and only got a half grade for the first if my three gradings, most of my club colleagues at the time advance quicker than I. If my instructor told me off, I would more often than not cry (I must add that has changed a little over the years), if I look at the least gifted of any of my current students, I was far worse than any I’ve had in some time!

I certainly had no balance, when I started I couldn’t stand on one leg for a couple of seconds, never mind stand on one leg and perform various different kicks at slow pace or speed, all without putting my foot down, this isn’t something even the most natural of athletes can just do, it takes work over time.

I remember clearly still the basic principles that I was taught when we learning to balance, I still teach that way now, it works, it’s not easy, but if the most ungifted of children can master them, then anyone can.

The first thing we were taught about our balance was our centre of gravity, the lower to the ground we made it, the better. Although mine was naturally quite low to the ground anyway, this didn’t matter, it still needed lowering. So we were told to bend our supporting leg when we lift a knee to kick, hereby lowering the centre of gravity and also tightening the muscles in the leg, make it a more solid support, but that alone didn’t make for perfect balance.

We were taught to hold our alignment straight, don’t lean forward or backwards, only lean to the side when kicking to the opposite side, then not too far, only just enough to counter balance the leg. This wasn’t easy either, as a six year old the core muscles aren’t developed, so it took practice and lots of falling over or hoping around on one foot to find that counter balance.

The last thing was our concentration, we were told to fix our eyes on a point on the wall ahead, not to break that concentration, to hold our concentration on that point ahead, not to look around but to fix our focus ahead.

But it was etched into us that we must persevere, even if it hurt sometimes, even if we wobbled, even if we had to put our foot down for a moment, we were told to compose ourselves and try again, keep trying, each time that little bit harder and eventually it would improve, we would become stronger and our balance more stable over time.

Over time and I really mean over time, it’s not just one lesson and wow I’m now Mr Miyagi, far from it, it took years of practice, the simple kicks were first, then the more difficult and then combinations of kicks from one leg without returning to the ground with the kicking foot, it was all a process of development through training and practice.

It took focus on the basic principles to develop balance, without all four, it just doesn’t happen. But even when we’ve mastered our balance it takes practice of those three basic principles to sustain it and then develop it further, a trap I still fall into from time to time, I still need to work on mine, especially if I’m to lead my students by example.

But what about life, are these four principles of physical balance that far removed from the actual balance of our life.

This blog makes no secret of the fact I lost that balance of life, in fact I let go off all those principles and wobbled and stumbled, until I simply fell flat on my face and struggled to lift myself up again, everything in my life fell out of alignment, physically, mentally and emotionally, I became a real mess, a shell of my former self.

I guess firstly my alignment was shot, okay I had been a drinker for some time, I enjoyed a drink to relax, I worked everyday, spent time with my family, I taught karate four times a week, money was okay, we were getting by, I had a healthy and loving relationship with Victoria and two wonderful kids. Then I lost my regularly source of income, money became tight, I stopped doing the daily things that kept me in alignment and started to wobble a little. The stress of trying to keep upright began to get to me and behind closed doors, hidden away from the world outside, I began to stumble and reached for support, did I reach for the solid support of a loving partner, no I reached for support if a bottle, an unstable companion.

But as it began to get worse, there were times when I recognised this, there were times I was really down, it wasn’t the only time on 18th March 2012 that I reached for that penknife, there were times before when I realised how bad things were, I may not have recognised that the drinking was the issue, but I knew things weren’t right, I wasn’t right, even though I became desperate to the point of thoughts if suicide, I kept it all inside, I let no one see inside, I let no one look into my eyes, I hid it all, I didn’t want anyone to see my weakness, I had a reputation to keep up, I couldn’t crumble in front of everyone, my sense of self was raised, just like raising the centre of gravity, everything became less stable.

Our sense of self I can see as the centre of our gravity, the more we elevate ourselves, the harder our balance becomes to keep, just like those lessons from my instructor.

I put my pride, my sense of self, above everything, my health, my kids and my partner, that stubbornness to carry on and do it myself, not wanting anyone else to see or help, made everything so much harder and prolonged the pain, my unstable support couldn’t hold my weight forever, eventually there would be a big fall, one I would probable never get up from.

In an effort to keep up appearances, to hide everything, I elevated myself and my pride, I raised that centre of gravity, I wobbled even more, I would try to stay upright when people were looking, but when they looked away, I was struggling and in reality gave up trying, but they weren’t to know that.

Finally I lost my focus on what was before me, my focus was no longer on my family unit, on supporting my kids, on providing for my family and being a loving partner to Victoria, my gaze fell from that point of focus and then it all really became a struggle, I eventually found myself alone, struggling to stay uptight, until with all four principles abandoned I fell.

To say I fell hard is a little bit if an understatement, I was definitely shaken, my world upon which I stood shook and my weak balance and unsteady support finally gave way.

But that’s when I revisited the principles of balance, firstly I had to lower my centre of gravity, this time through humility. I had to get over myself, stop trying to kid the world and be humble enough to admit to the world I was a mess, admit that I had fallen and I was struggling to stand, never mind stand on one leg.

The night I met Gareth, I started to find that lower sense of self, I let go and admitted how weak I was and over the coming weeks, months and now fast approaching years, I still admit I am weak and struggle from time to time, but that lower sense of self allows me to do that, it keeps me ground and hence it keeps a lower centre of gravity.

I’m doing everything I can to get my balance of life right now, to keep from leaning too far one way or the other, keep a happy balance, it’s hard when I have to also work so many extra hours to cover the debts I have accrued, that can for make a tiring life, what with Church and karate. Sometimes I get it a little off, I find I’m too tired to walk in the mornings, but then find I need to walk to work things through and take that time out to spend with God and help keep that balance. It’s never easy, but I’m working in it, I keep trying and every time I stumble a little or have to rest a while, I get back up and try again.

Finally, the focus, before it was taken by the unhealthy, where I lost focus on the most important things in my life, my family and Victoria, I nearly lost them all, I maybe still don’t have all of those things back in my life, but now I have the ultimate of focus, on God, that’s where I do everything I can to try to keep my focus in Him, keep my eyes fixed ahead to him.

If I can keep these thing right, if I keep trying and working hard to keep myself  grounded, keep myself in good alignment, not allowing myself to lean too far one way or the other and then finally keep my focus firmly fixed ahead on God, then hopefully the balance of my life will continue to improve.

WE WON’T BE SHAKEN by BUILDING 429
This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won’t be shaken

You know my every longing
You’ve heard my every prayer
You’ve held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I’ll stand in full surrender
It’s your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won’t be shaken
No we won’t be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we’ll rise and sing
That we won’t be shaken

We will trust in you
We will not be moved
We will trust in you

Monday Morning’s Peace?

After a long day yesterday, indeed I was asleep before 10.45pm, which for me is early, when I woke I still felt shattered so I skipped a walk in favour of more sleep.  If you live around here you will know the weather has been a little on the dodgy side all day, high winds and driving rain was the call of the day, certainly the temperatures have dropped to.

But despite that, the sunrise over the lake gives the impression of a peaceful day, enjoy.

Creeping Above

Creeping Above

Just Beyond

Just Beyond

Solo Light

Solo Light

Morning Calm

Morning Calm

SHADOW OF ANGELS by BUILDING 429
Sunrise on Sunset Beach
Finds me right where I watched it set
I spent the night inside myself
But I haven’t found me yet

But I’m not running from you anymore
I’m not running from you anymore, no not anymore

Cause I believe that when I call for you
You hear the plea for my rescue 
And You lift me up above the world I know
And I know that when I speak Your name 
You hear my voice and send your saints
To cover me in the shadow of angels

I got caught in the memories
Cause they never fail to prove
I’m insecure and incomplete
It’s a stinging point of truth

So I will never find the best of me
Until I find myself in You, I’ll find myself in You 

Sunrise to Sunset

I think the weekend is beginning to catch up on me today, I feel tired and my back aches a little, hopefully it won’t last too long.

But for now I share a few photos taken throughout the day.

Cloud Crossing

Cloud Crossing

Low Cloud

Low Cloud

Emerging

Emerging

Lonely Reflection

Lonely Reflection

Evening Glow

Evening Glow

Beyond The Horizon

Beyond The Horizon

Fading Light

Fading Light

END OF ME by BUILDING 429
I was the one to call the shots
Dream my dreams hard and slow
Answered only to my self
Never giving up control
Until the one day that brought me to my knees
And I would never be the same

Once upon a time the story goes
I laid it all down and let it go
To lose it all, to lose it all
It took a step of faith to say goodbye
And everything I had I left behind
To find true life
Well all I longed for I found finally 
At the end of me

And now are gone those wasted days
The selfish soul the emptiness
Love had dimly been replaced
But that old life is laid to rest
And now the new me is stronger day by day
And I will never be the same

Once upon a time the story goes
I laid it all down and let it go
To lose it all, just to lose it all
I took a step of faith and said goodbye
And everything I had I left behind
To find true life
Well all I longed for I found finally 
At the end of me

And like an answer to a prayer
Jesus you were there
Calling me to live, to die
to give to gain
And I’ll never be the same

Oooooo
Once upon a time the story goes
I laid it all down and let it go
To lose it all, to lose it all
I took a step of faith and said goodbye
And everything I had I left behind
To find true life
Well all I longed for I found finally 
At the end of me
Its the end of me

My Year So Far In Music

Back in June I started thinking about songs that map out my journey, I was listening to a lot of music, Christian artists mainly or just music that was inspiring, on my Baptism day I posted six songs on my Facebook page, six songs mapping my life from February to July, one to describe each month and a quick reason for each, now I have expanded the list for the whole year and I will describe the reasons in more detail:

January : Dead Man (Carry Me) by Jars of Clay

So carry me
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
(Dead Man (Carry Me) by Jars of Clay)

Back in January I was oblivious to what was happening in my life, I was working now for a couple of months, Christmas wasn’t that bad (the year before I was ill over Christmas up to New Year), so the drink had been flowing well, work equalled money, money equalled beer, so I was slowly becoming a Dead Man, people were carrying me, I just couldn’t see it, my friends, family and workmates didn’t know it, it wouldn’t be long before I was dead on the floor.  When I first heard this song following the breakdown of my life, the lyrics hit me right between the eyes, I was that dead man, I was carried longer than I ever realised, I had been dead on the floor for years.

——————————

February: Monster by Skillet

My secret side I keep
Hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
(Monster by Skillet)

This is a song I had played many times, infact it was one of the most played songs on my Ipod over the previous three years, but I was again completely oblivious to it’s relevance to my life.  The truth is there was a monster in me, I did keep it caged, but I couldn’t control it, I never let anyone see it, but it was there, I tried to fight it but lost everytime, it had control, I was it’s slave, a body and a soul consumed in torment.

——————————

March: Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
And when I bled in darkness, You held me
Still held me
(Daylight by Brave Saint Saturn)

To understand the song you have to know the concept of Brave Saint Saturn, the band have released three albums that tell the story of a space mission to Saturn, the first album deals with the departure, the second the mission and it’s failure, the third the rescue and return.

Daylight is from the second album, the mission has gone wrong and the crew are stranded in darkness with no contact with mission control.  The song is meant as a metaphor for that feeling of isolation, that feeling I was going through, feeling lost and alone in darkness, unable to reach out for help.  The crew members try desperately to reach mission control, but fail, then they hear a voice, as their ship comes out of the darkness.  I felt the same way, I was lost, until a voice came through from mission control to bring Daylight to replace my darkness, Gareth Morgan came through bringing the light of Jesus with him, I truly made contact with mission control when I prayed for the first time on 21st March 2012.

——————————

April: Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear
(Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North)

I’ve posted before about the song Healing Begins and the message I received to listen to this song, all through April this song was my guide, it stood by me through the pain and my struggles, it kept me on my path, even when I felt like falling back into the darkness, it kept my striving for the light.

——————————

May: Right Beside You by Building 429

When the walls are closing in
And you think you’d rather sink than swim
When you think there’s nothing left for you to lose
I’ll be right beside you
(Right Beside You by Building 429)

Another song that I had listen to many times, but this song became more important to me as my journey with God took more significance and relevance in my life, I was still coming to terms with the pain and withdrawals, I realised when I was at my lowest, so close to succumbing to temptation, if I asked for help from God it was there, he was right beside me, it just hit a chord with me, it didn’t matter how low I was he was right beside me.

——————————

June: Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple

Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
(Dear X, You Don’t Own Me by Disciple)

This song was another I had listened to over the last few years, I really liked the song, but again never looked at it’s relevance to me, but as I became stronger and moved further away from the drink, I felt like I was gaining some element of control over it, I knew how to handle most of the feelings of temptation.  So X, which in my case stood for alcohol really didn’t own me anymore, it was still there trying, but I was fighting it, I had an element of control now, DEAR X (ALCOHOL), YOU DON’T OWN ME!!!!!!

——————————

July: Unbreakable by Fireflight

Now I am unbreakable, It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me, Nothing can stop me
(Unbreakable by Fireflight)

On the day I was baptised I posted this list of songs on Facebook, without any real explanations, I was looking for a song for July that described how I felt that day, having been baptised in the amazing circumstances that happened that day, well I was so high on the whole experience that I felt Unbreakable, nobody could break how I felt that day, that feeling would last for sometime.

 ——————————

August: Rise Above by Fireflight

Counting scars and losing track
Afraid to crash we never spread our wings
And with every chance we take we find a reason
To give up on the hope that we all need
(Rise Above by Fireflight)

With my control over my problems gradually improving, out of the blue I found this song, it said everything I was feeling at the time, whatever came my way, I had to rise above it, keep going on my path, whatever was throw at me, I could not afford to let it bring me down, I simply chose to rise above it, so this song just said everything.

 ——————————

September: Run to You (+ Meet You) by Parachute Band

You are calling you are calling me to you
And i run     and i run to you
I need you i cant get enough of you
I come alive when im in your presence oh God of my salvation
(Run to You (+ Meet You) by Parachute Band)

This was again another song I had added to my Ipod well before my world changed forever, but one morning on way to Church it randomly played, I was blown away by it’s beauty and the simple message, the song just hit me.  Walking home from Church I listened to it over and over again, I just felt the song, it says everything to me really, it didn’t matter what I did or where I tried to hide, he would meet me, Christ would find me and I am so grateful that he did.

 ——————————

October: Times by Tenth Avenue North

My love is over. It’s underneath
It’s inside. It’s in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real?’
(Time by Tenth Avenue North)

Of all the songs on the album Over and Underneath, this song originally I didn’t really like, I still wasn’t a big fan when my world changed, then after listening to their new album The Struggle, I revisited this song and I finally understood it.  The song basically has two parts to it, in the first part the singer questions his relationship with God, the second part God replies that no matter what you do his love will always be there.  At a time when things in my journey became real and I questioned if I was ready for it, I got my answers, this song played out in my life, I questioned, he answered.

 ——————————

November: Don’t Change a Thing by Seabird

Waking up before the sun came up, was a fight that I would lose
To fall in love without a heart must be the hardest part for you
If I could change anything I’d change everything but you
Please promise me you won’t change a thing
(Don’t Change a Thing by Seabird)

The reoccurring theme here is that all these songs were on my Ipod well before my fall, they were there, I had listened to them many times, they were on my regular play list, but I hadn’t heard them, I hadn’t taken their lyrics and questioned them or their relevance to my life, now I feel them, I see the words, I hear them, at times many of these songs still reduce me to tears, I just can’t believe I never really heard them before.  If I could go back to that darkness I was in, with what I know now, I would change everything but Christ, in fact I have, the only constant is Christ, I have with his help changed everything.

 ——————————

December (hopefully): Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K

I made it through the year and I did not even collapse
Gotta thank God for that
I’m torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
I’ll fall apart or stay intact
(Merry Christmas, Here’s To Many More by Relient K)

I know we are only in November, but I love this song, it is my all time favourite Christmas song, narrowly beating “Fairytale of New York”.  I just hope that I make to through the year with out collapsing (again anyway), I will certainly thank God for that, though not everyone I love will be there to greet me, I will be thankful to have at least reached Christmas, things could have gone horribly wrong this year, between contemplation of suicide and being a heart attack waiting to happen, whatever happens for me this Christmas, I will be glad just to have made it.