Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
Sometimes people stand before crowds for their own glory, not necessarily God’s, maybe with just heart or maybe not.
I have had instances of this before, where people have spoken to me and believe in their heart’s they are speaking truth, but for some reason, it just doesn’t seem right to me. I am sure they meant well, but I questioned their words with God, then it always seems that He brings forth someone who speaks what I really need to hear, words that ignite something inside rather than dampen.
Question God if someone’s words do not seem to fit with your feelings, He will provide you with the answers.
WHAT THIS WORLD NEEDS by CASTING CROWNS What this world needs is not another one hit wonder with an axe to grind Another two bit politician peddling lies Another three ring circus society What this world needs is not another sign waving super saint that’s better than you Another ear pleasing candy man afraid of the truth Another prophet in an Armani suit
What this world needs is a Savior who will rescue A Spirit who will lead A Father who will love them in their time of need A Savior who will rescue A Spirit who will lead A Father who will love That’s what this world needs
What this world needs is for us to care more about the inside than the outside Have we become so blind that we can’t see God’s gotta change her heart before He changes her shirt What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance Blending in so well that people can’t see the difference And it’s the difference that sets the world free
Jesus is our Savior, that’s what this world needs Father’s arms around you, that’s what this world needs That’s what this world needs
Though I was not brought up in a family of believers and didn’t know the Lord during my youth, when I look back I can see moments, even when I was a Christian, that the Lord has seen me through some hard times. He knew me from birth and watched over me, protecting me, until I finally found Him.
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE by CASTING CROWNS One more mother with a broken heart One more family is torn apart One more orphan out in the cold One more fear that takes control One more tangled in the same old lies One more shackled to the same old highs One more scared of what tomorrow brings And one more chasing yesterday
Lord, let Your kingdom come
Who can right every wrong You are the only One Who can calm every storm You are the only One You alone are Father, Savior, Spirit, Healer, Redeemer Lord of all You are the only One
One more skeptic to believe One more prisoner has been set free One more longs to be Your hands and feet One more standing for the least of these One more praying in the morning light One more shining in the darkest night One more life worth fighting for No greater love worth dying for
Lord, let Your kingdom come Lord, let Your will be done
I want to know You more I want to make You known I want this world to see That You’re alive in me Jesus, You’re the only One
(Father, Savior, Spirit) You are the only One (Redeemer, Lord of all) You are the only One
No matter what we have done, no matter what our past says, we can come before God, before His truth and know that our transgressions have been removed from us, for that we should all be so thankful.
EAST TO WEST by CASTING CROWNS Here I am, Lord, and I’m drowning in your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me I yearn for peace and rest I don’t want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west ’cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest ’cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals I’m not holding on to You, but You’re holding on to me You’re holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west I don’t have to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest ’cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other One scarred hand to the other From one scarred hand to the other
There is no other like God, there is simply no other God. I am thankful that five years ago He forgave my sins, He lifted the burden of addiction from my hands and led to a Church and His people, where the healing process could truly begin.
His mercy set this life free, I owe my all to our God.
GOD OF ALL MY DAYS by CASTING CROWNS I came to You with my heart in pieces And found the God with healing in His hands I turned to You, put everything behind me And found the God who makes all things new I looked to You, drowning in my questions And found the God who holds all wisdom And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean You caught my hand among the waves ‘Cause You’re the God of all my days
Each step I take You make a way And I will give You all my praise My seasons change, You stay the same You’re the God of all my days
I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows And found a God who relentlessly pursues I hid from You, haunted by my failure And found the God whose grace still covers me I fell on You when I was at my weakest And found the God, the lifter of my head And I’ve worshiped You And felt You right beside me You’re the reason that I sing ‘Cause You’re the God of all my days
Each step I take You make a way And I will give You all my praise My seasons change, You stay the same You’re the God of all my days
In my worry, God You are my stillness In my searching, God You are my answers In my blindness, God You are my vision In my bondage, God You are my freedom In my weakness, God You are my power You’re the reason that I sing ‘Cause You’re the God of all my days
Each step I take You make a way And I will give You all my praise My seasons change, You stay the same You’re the God of all my days
In my blindness, God You are my vision In my bondage, God You are my freedom All my days
How can I fear being taken, I belong to the maker of all things, who can come against the Lord and take what is precious to Him?
MAKE ME A RIVER by CASTING CROWNS In the morning when I rise Jesus be my eyes Before the day rushes in With You is where I begin As You sing over me with Your love I will sing praise for all You have done Fill my heart as I hunger for You Flood my mind with Your wisdom, Your mercy, Your truth
Father, make me a river Come living water Flow through me You are the One that I thirst for So come living water Flow through me
Guide every step I take Lord, let me not wander away Father, fill every word I speak With the same grace that You’ve given me Touch the world with my hands, they are Yours Let my love show the lost that You are the Lord
Father, make me a river Come living water Flow through me You are the One that I thirst for So come living water Flow through me
Make me a river Make me a river
Let the river flow
Father, make me a river Come living water Flow through me You are the One that I thirst for So come living water Flow through me
Let the river flow (Father, make me a river) Let the river flow (Living water, flow through me) Let the river flow (Father, make me a river) Let the river flow (Living water, flow through me)
Father, make me a river Come living water Flow through me
The word was alive in me long before I knew it was there, did I wait to long to hear or was the Father’s timing just perfect, I believe His timing was just perfect, simply perfect.
THE WORD IS ALIVE by CASTING CROWNS Looking out from His throne, the Father of light and of men Chose to make Himself known and show us the way back to Him Speaking wisdom and truth into the hearts of peasants and kings He began to unveil the Word that would change the course of all things
With eyes wide open, all would see
The Word is alive And it cuts like a sword through the darkness With a message of life to the hopeless and afraid Breathing life into all who believe The Word is alive And the world and its glories will fade But His truth, it will not pass away It remains yesterday and forever the same The Word is alive
Simple strokes on a page Eternity’s secrets revealed, carried on from age to age It speaks Truth to us even still And as the rain falls from Heaven, feeds the earth before it returns Lord, let Your Word fall on us and bring forth the fruit You deserve
Sometimes I find I just have to take refuge in the Lord when things are hard and just praise Him for being there with me through it all.
PRAISE YOU IN THE STORM by CASTING CROWNS I was sure by now God You would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain “I’m with you” And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away
And I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am And every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to you And you raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can’t find You
But as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain “I’m with you” And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away
And I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am And every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth
And I’ll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am And every tear I’ve cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
Tonight was a great night with great friends, I am thankful for these friends that the Lord has brought into my life, they have helped me grow as a person.
CITY ON THE HILL by CASTING CROWNS Did you hear of the city on the hill Said one old man to the other It once shined bright, and it would be shining still But they all started turning on each other
You see the poets thought the dancers were shallow And the soldiers thought the poets were weak And the elders saw the young ones as foolish And the rich man never heard the poor man speak
But one by one, they ran away With their made up minds to leave it all behind And the light began to fade In the City on the Hill, the City on the Hill
Each one thought that they knew better But they were different by design Instead of standing strong together They let their differences divide
And one by one, they ran away With their made up minds to leave it all behind And the light began to fade In the City on the Hill, the City on the Hill
And the world is searching still
But it was the rhythm of the dancers That gave the poets life It was the spirit of the poets That gave the soldiers strength to fight It was fire of the young ones It was the wisdom of the old It was the story of the poor man That needed to be told
It is the rhythm of the dancers That gives the poets life It is the spirit of the poets That gives the soldiers strength to fight It is fire of the young ones It is the wisdom of the old It is the story of the poor man That’s needing to be told
But one by one will we run away With our made up minds to leave it all behind As the light begins to fade in the City on the Hill
One by one will we run away With our made up minds to leave it all behind As the light begins to fade in the City on the Hill The city on the hill
(Come home) And the Father’s calling still (Come home) To the city on the hill (Come home)
In my darkness I fell so deep, yet all of that has been forgiven by the Lord, I’m thankful for everyday I now spend in His light, since He drew me from the shadows.
EAST TO WEST by CASTING CROWNS Here I am, Lord, and I’m drowning in your sea of forgetfulness The chains of yesterday surround me I yearn for peace and rest I don’t want to end up where You found me And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west ’cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest ’cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals I’m not holding on to You, but You’re holding on to me You’re holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west I don’t have to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again In the arms of Your mercy I find rest ’cause You know just how far the east is from the west From one scarred hand to the other One scarred hand to the other From one scarred hand to the other
Since I started this blog, just over eighteen months ago, it’s been an outlet for my feelings on many occasions, I’ve used the written words and partial anonymity that the blog provides to share those feelings, thoughts, pain and fears.
Many times I’ve found it easier to write it on here, post it and move on. The writing helps, it’s therapy in itself, I’ve also used it to make myself accountable. Like when I wasn’t taking my medication, I knew I should and knew if I wrote it on here that I had to sort it out, then it left me no choice but to sort it out, after a few texts and tweets from friends who saw that post, I had no choice but to make that appointment and sort it out.
There have obviously been times when I’m facing things where I have chosen to keep inside, to deal with alone, neither share on here or speak with anyone about.
Sunday evening I chose to write about something that had been following me around for some weeks, in a Fearing Yet Another Fall, I wrote about a vision I had back in October last year which preceded the fall into depression which hit me hard and left me struggling along for quite a while.
“I was simply sat in my living room one Sunday lunchtime and it played out in front of me, like I was watching a video screen, an image of me climbing some steps, only to be washed away by an on rushing tide of water, as the waters kept flowing some time passed and I watched as I stood again and once more tried to make it up the steps, only to be washed away once more, before the vision disappeared as quickly as it appeared.”
On that occasion I kept going even though things weren’t right, it was only on having another vision of being pulled into the ocean and swallowed by a whale, did I realise I was keeping everything inside and running from where God wanted me to be. Only then did I start to open up about what was going on and how I felt, but it was probably a little too late, I was in the deluge already and struggling to cope. Obviously having people around me, supporting me, helped immensely and I found my way through it.
So after posting about my fear on Sunday evening, I decided I had to take that a step further and bring it fully out into the open. I’ve stood at the front of our Church before, when our Pastor’s have offered prayer for those struggling, but far outweighing that I have stood in silence with things have been really deeply troubling me.
I’ve sat in my Connect Group and shook my head when it’s been asked if anyone needs prayer for anything. Sometimes it’s hard when those around you see your story and testimony as one of an overcomer, that to put your hand up and admit that you are actually struggling from time to time is hard, I’ve sat in silence too many times.
So last night in Connect Group as we neared the end and our prayer time and it was asked if anyone had any need for prayer, even though I had decided I would ask for prayer, I sat there for a while keeping it in once more. As other prayer requests were being discussed I sat there rather uncomfortable, I went cold and that feeling I should be saying something rose from deep inside. So when the question was asked one more time, I spoke up and admitted I had been walking with this fear for a few weeks and felt I needed prayer.
Immediately I felt a sense of relief and a sense that some of the fear had been removed from me.
I guess sometimes we feel like we have to hide our weaknesses, I know I have prayed about this continually over the last week or so, but still felt I needed to do more, I felt I was being moved to share this fear with my friends, rather than just keep it in and just wait for it to happen again.
I honestly don’t really know whether I am heading for another fall or if it is just fear I have to deal with, but I feel more content now I’ve been honest with my feelings, I’ve shared it with friends who can help and support me, I feel I can maybe move on from it now and deal with it if it does indeed come.
FOLLOW ME by CASTING CROWNS At the end of myself I’m empty and dry I have nothing to give But surrender inside Let down your nets This is not the end From now on, you’ll be Fishers of men
Follow Me Follow Me Follow Me Follow Me
At the end of myself Judgment calls out my name Ive been looking for love But I’m swallowed by shame Throw away all your stones Find forgiveness in Me Let Me be your new passion My daughter, you’re free
At the end of myself Ive done things my own way This world gave up on me Now its death I do pay You know who I am I’m sins sacrifice Today you will be In paradise
Who is this man who calmed the seas And who is this man who loves the least of these
I am the promised One God gave His only Son And those who believe Will live eternally
At the end of yourself, just follow Me When you lose everything, just follow Me I will give you new life, just follow Me Follow Me
If at the end of yourself, just follow Me You may lose everything, just follow Me I will give you new life, just follow Me Follow Me
