Six years has gone by so fast, I still remember the events of that evening. Just eleven days before my world had collapsed in around me and I was looking for the end. I couldn’t take my life that day, I was to live to fight another day and the fight was to take control of my life. I then met with Gareth, the Pastor of a local Church and things began to change.
The more I faced the truth, the more I actually found out about myself and how bad things had got. For months now I had found myself on my settee drinking wine until the early hours, drinking until I simply fell asleep, sometimes I would even fall asleep clutching an open bottle! I couldn’t leave an open bottle, I had to finish it, even if I awoke at six o’clock in the morning, I would drink the half bottle or so, go upstairs, get ready for work and set off for a days work, just as if this was a normal thing to do. The people at work never suspected a thing, they couldn’t believe it when I tried to explain, they certainly couldn’t understand it.
After meeting with Gareth I never brought any alcohol into the house, I hadn’t drank at home at all, I fought that urge and I was winning. Even going to the pub after training I had began to conquer too. Instead of trying to drink five pints before going home to continue on wine, I had set my limit at two and gone home early, I hadn’t totally stopped drinking, but had taken control.
What I was beginning to realise though, was that with every pint, I disliked the taste more and more. So that night six years ago, after training as we walked across to the pub, I stated to a friend that if I didn’t like the taste of the first pint, then that would be it, I would never drink again.
It’s surprising what state of mine can do when you have control, because that pint tasted like vinegar, it was awful, so I simply finished it and have never drank again.
It was almost as though I was willing that drink to be so bad that I wouldn’t drink ever again, because it was quite simply the worst taking drink I have ever had. I am sure in reality it was a perfectly good pint of cider, but in that moment it tasted like the worst, I wanted it to taste that way and by some miracle it did.
That was at about 10.30pm Thursday 29th March 2012, now six years on, I am still sober, I still haven’t had a drink and still do not want to have a drink, ever again.
I can’t say I haven’t wanted to drink since then, the first few months were hard, especially when withdrawals set in. For a few weeks every muscle and joint seemed to ache continuously, it started with constant headaches and spread right through my body. I remember sitting in Church one Sunday when they were at their worst, I was just crying with the pain, it was painful to simply sit still and painful to move, pain killers weren’t having any effect, I was struggling. I remember sitting alone wishing for it all to go away, so tempted to drink, because I knew the body was simply craving the alcohol that it had become accustom to, I knew if I had drink most of the pain would go away, but I also knew if I did drink, that all the pain of the previous few years would return and I would finally crack under the pressure of it all.
I saw a Doctor who prescribed me cocodomal, I knew this was an addictive painkiller, so I used it sparingly, but in all honesty by the time I got this the pain was beginning to slow and I think I was over the worst of it, so I used it only when I needed to and used only about half a dozen of the tablets I was prescribed.
Over time things got easier, when life hit bit bumps, like when my two Nans died within two months of each other, both times I was really low, even one occasion I felt like just walking out into the middle of the local lake, to be not be seen again, I felt like drinking, but knew I couldn’t. Things were hard, but the different now was, that since God had been speaking into my life, He brought me into a group of people who cared for me, they were and still are my support group, they stand by me in my low moments and they celebrate with me in my high moments.
I can honestly say that in the last couple of years there has been little or no temptation to drink, but I still have trigger points that shake me. I don’t go out on work parties, I don’t want to be where people are drinking to get drunk, I can go with people to a pub or restaurant who are drinking, if it is just social and they aren’t simply getting drunk, I can handle sitting there with my coke while the enjoy one or two pints, I can accept that, it’s fine for people to drink, if they have the control, but where people just want to get lost, I am not interested, the thought of even going brings me to a panic attack, so I simply say no and don’t go.
I can’t drink from anything that resembles a wine glass, I have been served fruit juice in a glass that looked like a wine glass, even though the contents were purely innocent and it was handed to me in all sincerity, I asked for it to be put into a different glass and explained my reasons, they were very understanding and apologized immediately. Even those fruit juices in bottles that resemble wine bottles freak me out, I sat at a friends where they had some of these, again purely innocent fruit juice, but the look of the bottles were like what I used to drink and they freaked me out, that night I didn’t mention it, but I did explain the next time I saw them, they understood.
If a glass bottle or glass jar bang together in a bag I get freaked out, I have to carry glass jars in separate bags, the sound of glass bottle against bottle reminds me of how I used to sneak wine into the house, how I would try to keep them quiet so Victoria would know, when I hear that noise now, I feel like I have to hide them just the same and then I realise how stupid I am being, so I carry glass jars or bottles in separate bags, I’m not weird, I just have my reasons!!!
Life hasn’t been simple since then, it’s had it’s ups and downs, it’s had it’s highs and lows, but for the most part it has been good.
I have had my bad times, but I have hope that conquers it, I have been low and depressed, but my God has walked through every dark night with me, it has been six strong years and I pray for the next six and beyond, that they will all get stronger.
I love this song, it says everything I have to say to God.
FROM THE DAY by I AM THEY
When You found me, I was so blind
My sin was before me, I was swallowed by pride
But out of the darkness, You brought me to Your light
You showed me new mercy and opened up my eyes
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
Where brilliant light is all around
And endless joy is the only sound
Oh, rest my heart forever now
Oh, in Your arms I’ll always be found
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
My love is Yours
My heart is Yours
My life is Yours
Forever
My love is Yours
My heart is Yours
My life is Yours
Forever
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
From the day You saved my soul
‘Til the very moment when I come home
I’ll sing, I’ll dance, my heart will overflow
From the day You saved my soul
From the day You saved my soul
The Bottom of a Bottle 