After my hard walk this morning, “Walking Into The Wind” and my cold shower, I felt good and ready for Church, I was refreshed and fully alive.
I got to Church after another mile plus walk, a steady one this time, no mad rush, I met Alex for a chat on the way in, then a chat with a others, including James before taking my seat, yes you know the one, right at the back in the corner.
I was ready to worship, I was ready sing out loud, I was feeling good, well so I thought anyway, the current calm of my life didn’t last for long, I was about to be brought down once again.
I wrote on Friday in my post “Keeping My Head High Amid The Turmoil” about my current issues, the lack of current finances and my relationship status, the money is a problem that is starting to rear it’s head again and is causing a few problems at home to deal with, then the relationship or lack of it is obviously on going and gets to me quite often, both are issues I have prayed continuously about for the last week and indeed before, I had these bases covered, I knew I needed help to address these situations and therefore handed them over to God for his help.
That’s what I thought anyway, until Justin got up and began to talk about Ezekiel 37, 11-14 and how he had felt recently his bones had become dry and he needed God’s help to breathe life back into him.
Ezekiel 37, 11-14
“Then He said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They indeed say, ‘Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!’ Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it,” says the Lord.”
He told us all that God could breathe life into our situations and his first two examples smacked me right in the face, relationships and finances, so okay I thought, this is meant for me, I need to listen.
As his talk on Ezekiel 37 went on I felt like I just wanted to stand up or raise my arm, I needed God to breathe life into my situation, the more it went on the more my insides began to freeze and my body go numb, this has happened many times before, usually when I feel God is telling me to do something, this was no different, maybe just more intense than usual.
When Justin finally asked anyone who felt God had spoken to them today about their situations to stand as he prayed, I jumped up, I certainly had been spoken to and I had been ready to stand for a while. I knew I had to stand, I knew I had to make that declaration, but as I stood I couldn’t stop the wave of emotion that came over me, once again I found myself crying, I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t keep it all in anymore.
He then asked anyone who needed God to breathe life into their situations to come to the front so everyone could pray for them, again I jumped up and walked to the front and once again I couldn’t control the emotion, the wave upon wave of tears just kept coming as the members of the front row laid their hands on me and the others that had made their way along with me.
I thought I had all this under control, I had been praying for both issues, I had realised I couldn’t do this alone anymore, I needed help from God to find my way through it all, I was more than willing to admit in front of everyone I needed help, I’ve even written that on here the other day, but why the emotion, why all the uncontrollable tears, I don’t know where they came from, I didn’t feel down at all this morning, I was awake and alive, I was feeling really positive despite it all, I knew there would be breakthrough in time as I trusted in God to come through for me, I still do, what I can’t tell is whether the tears were of joy or sorrow or just simply relief at the feeling that God was moving in my situation, I could feel it inside.
The funny thing was also, I couldn’t stop shaking, as I stood there at the front, trying to sing along with the worship song at the end of the service, my knees felt like they were going to give way, my hands and arms were shaking, I just felt like slumping down to the floor, it took a while for the shaking and numbness to subside.
I had wanted to get away as quick a possible, I had a bit of work to do before I went to Karate, but the service was already running late and I got taking to a number of people, then I got speak with James again, he is a member of the front row at Church as service co-ordinator, so he knew I had been at there, so we discussed my issues in length once again, ironically ending up stood against the same radiator, in the entrance, that we stood at during our first lengthy discussion on my first trip into Church just over a year ago, we had a laugh about that!
I honestly can’t quite put my finger on what was happening today, why the not so much a breakdown, but such an outpouring of emotion, I’ve said many times how emotional I can get, today was not an exception, but usually I can pinpoint why, today I can’t it was just simply raw emotion.
I felt good after my walk and cold shower this morning, I felt positive and I still do, I will pray tonight as usual, similar prayers to what I have said over the last few weeks, that will not change, but my hope has been renewed now, I will certainly pray now in hope rather than despair, what do I have to despair about, God is moving inside, he is there with me, I’m not alone!
I share this song with you today, this song our worship team played whilst I stood there at the front of our Church, the song I sung with everything I had through all the tears and emotion.
I stand to sing Your praises
I stand to testify
For i was dead in my sin
But now I rise
I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him
Now in Him
(Beneath The Waters (I Will Rise) by Hillsong Live)