Trust me, I've been there, I've looked, I've searched and I know now, that there are no answers to be found in the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a blade! Fighting Hard, Recovering, Rebuilding, REBORN. Moving on from addiction to a new life.
I thank God for every person of faith who has stood beside me, encouraged me, prayed for me, prayed with me, laughed with me, cried with me and believed in me, without these people that the Father brought into my life, I would not have made it this far.
I thank you all and most I thank you God.
EVEN ME by I AM THEY He knows my thoughts The things that no one sees He knows my heart It’s every broken piece Somehow still I’m held by this one thing And somehow still I’m held by this one thing
Yes, Jesus loves me Even me, even me I stand forgiven and free Even me, even me
He knows my past The choices I have made When I have wandered When I pushed away Somehow still I’m held by this one thing Somehow still I’m held by this one thing
Yes, Jesus loves me Even me, even me I stand forgiven and free Even me, even me Even me, yes even me
Nothing could ever stop this love Nothing could ever take it away My life was lost, His life He gave Even to the grave, even to the grave Even to the grave
Yes, Jesus loves me Even me, even me I stand forgiven and free Even me, he loves even me
Yes, Jesus loves me Even me, even me I stand forgiven and free Even me, he loves even me Even me, he loves even me Even me, even me
My friend, my friend I see your struggles Child of mine Don’t go through this alone For I am ever here Yet I have delivered you to my kingdom So share with them Pray with them My saints they will anoint you With sweet oil before my Father To set you free from your worries To put aside your pain You are not alone, not ever You are part of my family So look up and rise again Child of mine For I am ever with you My friend, my friend
We were not meant to do this life alone, we are to share our life and experience with each other, I am forever grateful for the people the Lord has led me to, I could not do this life without them, they sharpen me when I am down, they bring me the Lord’s word that renews me, without these people life, just wouldn’t be the same.
WE NEED EACH OTHER by SANCTUS REAL I think I caught a glimpse of Life without friends Bitter, empty, hollow, dark and lonely We never meant to hurt each other So Can’t we trust again And take it as a chance To keep on growing
I don’t know why it doesn’t come easy But I know that we could be happy If we’d only learn to love
Oh oh we need each other So what’s the fighting for Oh oh we need each other Please don’t close the door Oh oh we need each other Through all the highs and lows Oh oh we need each other Cuz no one’s meant to live alone
Life revolves around the need Of having someone Causing every complicated feeling Oh and I don’t want to loose you And there is nothing wrong with Telling me what you need To keep our love strong
It’s just a part of being a family Taking the good with the bad and the ugly If we could only learn to love
Oh oh we need each other So what’s the fighting for Oh oh we need each other Please don’t close the door Oh oh we need each other Through all the highs and lows Oh oh we need each other Cuz I don’t want to be alone
Oh Oh we need each other Fathers and Mothers Oh oh we need each other All your sisters and brothers Oh oh we need each other We need friends and lovers Oh Oh we need each other
Well I need you You need me Cuz that’s the way It’s meant to be I need you We need each other (I don’t want to be alone)
Well I need you You need me Cuz that’s the way It’s meant to be I need you We need each other (I don’t want to be alone)
Where were you this morning? Did you make it to Church? Did you immerse yourself in the word? Or did something important take you away? That’s okay, it happens sometimes Yet you still wish that you were there Or did you simply just not want to go? Was Church the place you least wanted to be?
I’ve tasted that feeling Said to myself I can’t go there They cannot see me this way Not in my shame and shadows But He spoke to me and said this…
If Church is the LAST place you WANT to be Then Church is the ONE place you NEED to be
There is no other like God, there is simply no other God. I am thankful that five years ago He forgave my sins, He lifted the burden of addiction from my hands and led to a Church and His people, where the healing process could truly begin.
His mercy set this life free, I owe my all to our God.
GOD OF ALL MY DAYS by CASTING CROWNS I came to You with my heart in pieces And found the God with healing in His hands I turned to You, put everything behind me And found the God who makes all things new I looked to You, drowning in my questions And found the God who holds all wisdom And I trusted You and stepped out on the ocean You caught my hand among the waves ‘Cause You’re the God of all my days
Each step I take You make a way And I will give You all my praise My seasons change, You stay the same You’re the God of all my days
I ran from You, I wandered in the shadows And found a God who relentlessly pursues I hid from You, haunted by my failure And found the God whose grace still covers me I fell on You when I was at my weakest And found the God, the lifter of my head And I’ve worshiped You And felt You right beside me You’re the reason that I sing ‘Cause You’re the God of all my days
Each step I take You make a way And I will give You all my praise My seasons change, You stay the same You’re the God of all my days
In my worry, God You are my stillness In my searching, God You are my answers In my blindness, God You are my vision In my bondage, God You are my freedom In my weakness, God You are my power You’re the reason that I sing ‘Cause You’re the God of all my days
Each step I take You make a way And I will give You all my praise My seasons change, You stay the same You’re the God of all my days
In my blindness, God You are my vision In my bondage, God You are my freedom All my days
It’s still hard to believe that five years ago this very day something happened that changed everything, that changed my life forever, it was the difference between death and life itself, without that moment in time this could all be so different and I really do not believe I would be writing this, I am convinced my life would have ended soon after.
The 19th March 2012 was the turning point of life, where what had gone before was ending and something new sprang forth. The day before I was on the edge of myself, staring into a mirror questioning my own life’s validity, I was convinced it had none,not until a voice silenced the screams and told me my children needed me, now I had resolved to make a change.
I now had the number for Gareth, the Pastor at Victoria’s church, I had met him a number of times, I had just a year before spent the afternoon in my own living room watching football with him and other people from his church, now I knew I had to speak with someone and I knew it had to be him.
Victoria had taken the kids to school and I was alone in the house. I remember sitting there that morning on the top step of my stairs with my phone in my hand, Gareth’s number at the ready, but in a state of turmoil, part of me knew I had to make that call, I needed to start living, but the other part of me, the addicted part, just couldn’t let go of it’s hold and sought to keep hiding.
I sat there for over 20 minutes, I had set a time in my head of 9.10am to call, just enough time to get into the office and at his desk, but not quite enough time to be busy with anything.
It took all I had to press the call button, I had to force myself, I was still in turmoil. I had created this veil for myself, one which I could hide behind, hiding my true self from the world and a veil which stopped me from seeing God, part of me desperately wanted to stay hidden.
Thankfully Gareth answered and I tried to explain who I was, he knew me as Victoria’s partner, I tried to tell him that, but then I realised I didn’t know who I was anymore, I wasn’t her partner anymore, that was over, so who was I? At that point I just broke down into tears, I could say no more than it’s Wayne, Vict…. Thankfully he realised who it was, Victoria had warned him I may call, so he asked how I was and managed to say something like not very good before breaking down once again. Every time he spoke to me I managed a few words before crying once again. But the long and short of it was, he realised I needed help and agreed to come to see me that evening, he said he would confirm it with me later, but we were set for that evening at 7.30pm.
That night Gareth came over with Alex, I had known Alex and his family for some time, so I was okay with that. When he came in he made it clear he wasn’t there to preach to me or to try to convert me there and then, but to speak with me and find out what help it was I needed and how it could be found. He asked questions about my drinking and the situation at home, I tried my best to answer them all honestly, between outbreaks of tears, I cried so much that night. But when they had left I felt so much better, much more at peace. I didn’t drink that night, for the first time in so long I got by without alcohol and I can’t actually remember wanting or needing a drink either.
Although that meeting is a major moment in my life, a real big part of what was a big turning point in my life, but now when I look back at it five years later, I realised the most important moment happened that morning.
Things could have been so different had Gareth had been like me. When my phone rings, if I don’t recognise the number, I do not answer it, I guess you get so many cold calls, you tend to vet them, so my attitude is leave a message and when I get time I will respond to it then. I know many people who do the same thing, I think many of us, unless we use our phones for business, probably do the same thing. But thankfully Gareth didn’t, he sacrificed his time to take the call.
In truth things began to change as soon as I ended that call. I hadn’t really been looking after myself, I was a mess, I hadn’t shaved for weeks, I didn’t really do anything with my hair, I was wearing worn clothes, socks full of holes and torn underwear. So when I put that phone down, I cleaned myself up and headed off into town to replace my worn attire, I began the process of looking after myself.
After all, you can’t be anything to anyone, if you’re not something to yourself.
But from that moment also, the fight against the grip of my alcohol addiction began, from that day onwards I never brought anymore alcohol into the house or consumed any within these walls, note I was still drinking at the pub, but far less and I had an element of control and was even losing the taste for it, until ten days later when I took that last drink.
We know that the ultimate sacrifice was Christ giving His life for us upon the cross, at that moment the veil was torn so we could all see God.
When Gareth made that small sacrifice by giving up his time to answer my call, my veil was torn too, I let the world in and from that moment I began to see God, only two days later I would pray for the first time and experience a peace I had never felt before.
Everything changed because of that phone call, had it not been answered, would I have had the courage to leave a message? I don’t think I would have, I think I would have bottled it that day, would Gareth have called back anyway? To be fair he probably would, but the impact and the moment may have been lost and the effect not as great as it was.
I truly believe that I was on a spiral to my own death, maybe the day before I wasn’t able to take my own life, but my health was a mess, my blood pressure was sky high, I have chronic high blood pressure anyway and without medication it rises to dangerous levels, but at that point I was on medication and it was still through the roof, almost as high as when I first went on the tablets, so I’m convinced I would probably have suffered a heart attack by the end of the year, had things not changed. Not only that, but I believe the episode of the day before would have repeated itself until the screams in my head had their way, that day wasn’t the first time I had considered taking my own life, but it was the last. So had I not made that call and had Gareth not answered, the consequences would be so different.
I got to share this in Church this morning, almost precisely five years to the moment that I made the call, I’m so grateful for getting that chance. My point was that so many people have their own personal veils, which stop them from seeing God and getting help, so what small sacrifices can we make that will tear the veil for someone?
BETTER LOVE by GREEN RIVER ORDINANCE Faith is not an idle grace Guide my fears and lead my way Darkest heart that You have saved I can’t find a better love
When I set out for ruined lands Shadows heavy where I stand You took death and called me friend I can’t find a better love
You take me as I am Now I understand
The greatest gift to give a man Is to give him grace to live again
Faith is not an idle grace Guide my fears and lead my way The darkest heart that You have saved I can’t find a better love
You take me as I am Now I understand
The greatest gift to give a man Is to give him grace to live…
My wages of captivity and death, it waited there for me You took me in and washed me clean And gave me words and songs to sing
You take me as I am Now I understand
You take me as I am Now I understand
The greatest gift to give a man Is to give him grace to live again
The greatest gift to give a man Is to give him grace to live again
A year before I found God and through Him sobriety, He sent a number of people to come and sit with me one afternoon. I sat there a none Christian in a room full of people from Church, most of them I had never met before, but during that afternoon we became friends. Then one year later these very same people were the ones who were there when I needed the support to sort my life out, they led me to God, just as He had led me to them.
THE KINGDOM by STARFIELD Oh Oh Oh We have come to testify Oh Oh Oh Our God is surely Great Oh Oh Oh His love is like a river wide So let everyone beneath His skies Lift their voice and sing
For the Kingdom of our God Carries on Carries on Carries on
Oh Oh Oh His kingdom is inside of you Oh Oh Oh It’s everywhere you are Oh Oh Oh Celebrate your life made new Come on let His freedom bloom Lift your voice and sing
For the Kingdom of our God Carries on Carries on Carries on
