Tag Archives: Creed

12 Years On

Twelve years ago today a new journey in my life started, a journey which continues to this day and brings new experiences and memories every passing day.

It started in the very early hours of 7th September 2001, I couldn’t have been asleep too long, as usual I was well gone, but I woke to a gentle nudging. As I slowly came around, Victoria said she had been awake for some time, but didn’t want to alarm me, but she thought it was time, as much as I had prepared myself over the previous months, those words put a mixture of emotions into my head, fear, nervousness, excitement and anticipation.

The contractions had started and it seemed the waiting was over,
we were finally stepping into parenthood.

Neither if us drive so we rang for an ambulance, I rushed our dog around to my parents house, which was just minutes away, as Victoria readied her bag.

We set off for the Hospital in Nottingham, those feelings became more vivid as the journey continued. We arrived at the maternity unit, we were shown to our delivery room and introduced to our Mid Wives and things seemed to be going along nicely, even though I wasn’t really sure what to do or where to put myself at times. But the hours passed and things didn’t seem to be speeding up and as the sun came up and the our Mid Wives ended their shift, things changed. Our first set of Mid Wives were so nice, they couldn’t do enough for us, they were just so kind, but the new shift weren’t quite so.

Where as our previous set had been happy to let things move along slowly, the new shift weren’t so, as things as slowed they made us feel like we were wasting their time, they weren’t nasty or anything, they just weren’t very welcoming and we didn’t warm to them. Finally things drew to halt, it was decided Victoria would be moved to a bed on the ward to wait, but unfortunately as the ward had set visiting hours I couldn’t go with her, I had to sit in the waiting room, just passing time, we were both alone and confused, it certainly wasn’t what I expected.

The day passed and we moved to the evening, Victoria had been allowed downstairs with me, so at least we could be together, we decided as we lived in the next town and didn’t drive we would stay the night, Victoria on the ward and myself in the Hospital Hotel, I was to be notified of any change, but no such call came, I woke still awaiting news.

By now it was Saturday and once again the hours passed and nothing else happened, we were both bored, uncomfortable and fed up, we decided to go home, Victoria was already three weeks passed her due date and was to be induced that week, so we called Victoria’s Grandad, who came and took us home.

We settled back home comfortably, Victoria’s Mum had come over, made us tea and stayed with us, maybe it was the home comforts, but by mid evening the contractions returned. We called our local Mid Wife, who came straight over and promptly called an ambulance, again!

Here we go again, but the Mid Wife was quite insistent that she come with us, by this time it was around 10pm and we were off again, surely this time.

At the Hospital we had a different room and a totally different set of Mid Wives, but they were as nice as our first set, Victoria was in a lot of pain and barely let go of the gas and air, I must say I was tempted but never tried it!

It wasn’t as imminent as it was thought, the hours passed again, but this time things began to move on. Victoria’s pain increased and I didn’t have a clue what to do, her Mum had come with us and having had four kids of her own she knew what to do, I just looked on helpless.

Then a panic seemed to build, the Mid Wives put a heart monitor in Victoria, but the baby’s heartbeat was getting faster and faster, the Mid Wives were concerned and were keen for baby to be born as quickly as possible.

Baby’s heart rate wasn’t the only one increasing, I was feeling more pressure than I was letting in, I felt terrible, I felt as though my heart was going to burst out my chest, Alien style, my Blood Pressure was going mad it seemed, but I just tried to smile and didn’t mention anything to anyone, I don’t think that even after all these years I ever told Victoria, my pain was nothing compared to her’s and our baby’s health.

The hours passed and the Mid Wives did their best to move things on, at 2.50am Sunday 9th September 2001, our first child Ben Anthony, was born.

We were all very tired after a long weekend, about 48 hours earlier we had started this journey and now he was here. I have to say I’m not a baby person, but to me our Son was beautiful.

After Victoria and Ben were settled back on the ward, I went outside for fresh air, it was a relief and the heart began to beat normally and I could breathe easily again. I called my Mum and Dad to let then know, then went back to the hotel again, they let me have a room free of charge.

Throughout Sunday we had the usual visits, the parents, grand parents, brothers, sisters, aunties and uncles. We were so tired and Victoria still very uncomfortable after the birth, that I don’t think we were good company, but as they came to see Ben, nobody really cared.

Victoria stayed in Hospital both Sunday night and again Monday night, she was to come home on Tuesday.

Tuesday became an emotional day for many reasons. Victoria’s Grandad picked my up at lunchtime, we were to get there at the beginning of afternoon visiting and she and Ben could come home.

As we neared the Hospital we heard disturbing news on the car radio, a plane had hit the World Trade Centre, it didn’t say anything else, it was a vague report, we discussed what it meant, possibly just a freak accident. Then as we pulled into the car park, news of the second strike came through and it became more evident that this was something more.

We were concerned, but the joy of bringing my boy home was stronger. We packed everything into the car, fitted the car baby seat and set off for home. We discussed the news as we travelled and when we got home Victoria’s Mum and step Dad were there getting things ready for us, the TV was on and as we got in the first footage of the towers collapsing was shown, it took the edge of what should have been a joyous moment, it was certainly mixed emotions.

It was a journey that started four days before and now began in earnest, we were home and now we had a tiny baby to look after, we were a family.

This journey as a parent isn’t easy and doesn’t end, I can’t say I’ve been the best father over the last twelve years and certainly not the best partner, I made a real mess of things for a time, but I’m trying to address things one at a time. Ben turns twelve on Monday, is it really twelve years ago and despite everything, those memories of that weekend remain so vivid.

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don’t know if I’m ready
To be the man I have to be
I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we’ve created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I’ll show you everything …oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he’s not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open…

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I’ll show you love
I’ll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I’ll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open….wide open

My Inner Thoughts

My Inner Thoughts – Daily Prompt

Usually I am quite a shy person, I don’t let my feelings be easily seen by others.  In the past my inner most feelings only surfaced after I became drunk or relaxed through drink, where my inhibitions were laid dormant, the alcohol became dominant over my natural shyness.

But not everyone would see this, yes people would say I would talk more or express more of an opinion when I was happily drunk, but other than that there were times when my deepest feelings surfaced, but these would only be seen by Victoria, I don’t remember how many times I would end up crying myself to sleep in her arms, I miss those days, not the drink mind you, just being able to let go of all my feelings and feel safe in the physical embrace of loving arms.

Obviously in my dark years of drinking to hide all my feelings, I kept them in, there were the odd times in the early days where I would let some out, but the more I isolated myself, the further away Victoria arms seemed and less I sought their safety and security.

When eventually that world I created collapsed around me and Victoria’s arms were finally closed to me, when I fell face down on the floor, a lost soul and finally sunk as low as to contemplate suicide one more time, then my world changed, I had to change.

I sought out a different way of life and found God and redemption through Christ.  When I met with Gareth my now Pastor, I had to be honest to find the change I need, I had to let it all come out, it was the only way, to finally admit my problems and find a possible solution and recovery.

Then when I walked into Church, I had a big decision to make, people would ask why I was there, no one knew anything about what was happening in my life, I had the choice, keep hiding and admit just a little of who I was and what I had been through or be completely honest, tell the truth about everything, not hide any thing, let it out.  We discussed being honest at the #MMV meeting last Sunday evening, I pointed out that us men in particular aren’t good at sharing our inner most feelings, women do it far more naturally than us males, we see letting our inner most thoughts as showing our weakness and that isn’t a very male thing to do.

But in order to face our problems, we have to expose our problems.

“You have to take it out of the box, if you keep it hidden away in a box it can never be dealt with, it remains hidden, when it’s taken out of the box, you have to do something with it!”

When your problems are exposed, when it’s out in the open, then you have to do something about it, you can no longer hide behind it.

Having said all that though, I still find that writing on here I can just let go, I write about things in detail on here that I maybe struggle to admit to people face to face, not about them, this Blog isn’t a vehicle for dissing others, but about myself, I can expose so much more by the written word, than in a face to face discussion.

There are people over this last 400 Days of Sobriety, that maybe I have let see more of my inner self than others, in particular James and a few others, but still, I think I have certainly been more open on here, not necessarily more honest, it’s not that I lie about anything to the others, I just don’t always feel the time or the place for certain discussions about where I am is right, on here that doesn’t matter, when I’m ready to write, it writes itself and I just post it, a bit like this, as soon as I saw the prompt, I just started typing, no thought process, just a flow of words.

When my first Nanna died at the beginning of March, I couldn’t express myself to those close to me, I was in such a low place, I thought I was letting them down by feeling so low after all they had done to help me change my life.  But on here I could be honest, I could write it, but not say it.

That I guess is the way I am, but I’m glad I’ve found this medium to express myself, to let out those thoughts, which in the past have eaten away at myself, that I would hide beneath the volumes of alcohol, now I don’t hide them, I expose them on here and more importantly nothing that goes on here is hidden from God, I speak to him more freely about things than I do on here, sorry but He comes first, I’m sure you’ll understand.

But thank you all for reading my thoughts, reading through my pain, laughing with me, crying with me, encouraging me and most of all caring for me, I may never have met any of you, but all those that take the time to like and to comment, thank you, you are all wonderful people and great friends.

I heard this song this morning, I think the lyrics fit, Does The Song You Sing Have Enough Meaning?

I hope
The words I wrote
Keep calling out
Keep calling out
Forever let them ring
Hear them echoing, hear them echoing
Does the song you sing
Have enough meaning
Inspire us to sing along
Does the song you sing keep echoing
Inspire us to sing the song you sing
(The Song You Sing by Creed)

Daily Prompt: Musical

Daily Prompt: Musical
What Role Does Music Play In Your Life?

Quite simply music does and has always played a large part of my life.  I’m not particularly musically gifted, I don’t sing (tone deaf) and I don’t play any instruments, but I love good music, regardless of what type.

Although I prefer to listen to music that is created by and played by the artist, boy bands, girl bands and the large part of the dance music genre hold virtually no place in my musical tastes, the odd song done well is okay, kind of like Back For Good by Take That, etc, other than that I like music driven by the musicians, not the producers.

I grew up listening to a lot of sixties music, including Motown/Soul and reggae, mainly through my parents influence, they held the purse strings and bought the music, so we listened to a lot of their tastes, I still like that music, although at the moment I don’t really listen to a great amount of it.

There is still the odd song from the sixties Motown sound that I really like, although not so well now, Indiana Wants Me by R Dean Taylor is still a stand out for me, I can’t explain why, I just really like it.

Obviously you’ve gotta love the Beatles, even if you don’t I think everyone has at least one song of theirs which you must love, for me that one is A Day In The Life.

When I started work in 1990 I was in to any sort of music, but I soon developed a taste for the UK’s Indie music scene, with bands like James, The Wonder Stuff, The Charlatans, Suede and Carter USM, I would get my wages and spend around £200 a month on CDs and records, my parents garage is filled with over 1500 7” vinyl singles and 1500 CD singles and over 300 CD albums, they always nag me about moving them, but I just haven’t got room.

When I started dating Victoria back in 1997 I slowly reduced my record buying, but still brought the odd CD throughout the coming years, like many I’ve download from the internet over recent years and since I’ve had my iPod I’ve filled it with thousands of songs.

About five years ago my tastes changes again and I move into the slightly heavier US rock scene, some quite heavy, some more radio friendly and some quiet angry, I chose songs that echoed my mood at the time.

Eventually I discovered Christian Rock music, even though I wasn’t a Christian at the time, the music was good and I enjoyed it. I found through my troubled years that followed I started to listen to it even more, until eventually when my world collapsed and I turn to God for the strength to rebuild my life, I started to listen to Christian Music even more and now listen to very little else.  There are many great bands and songs, I try to add a song to every one of my posts (except with poetry or photography posts), I try to choose a song that matches the content, but not always, it may just be the song I was listening to last or really caught my attention earlier in the day that I just want to share.

Quite simply for over twenty years I have been immersed in a world of music, my tastes change as life moves on, but I never ditch those tastes, I just archive them and return to them in moments of nostalgia.  I have rarely walked alone without music in my ears in those last twenty years, starting with an old cassette tape walkman, an early portable CD player and now my iPod.  When I walk every morning I have music in my ears and quite often, in moments of solitude, I sing along.