From The Belly Of The Whale

So it’s day 9 without the antidepressant medication, I can say that without a doubt I haven’t felt this alive in over a year, each day seems to just get better.

The shakiness and dizzy spells seem to be subsiding as the days go by, Sunday’s loss of coordination seems to be a bit of one off, since then I’ve had the odd lightheaded moment and a few wobbly legged steps, but it’s definitely getting better each day.

I know the anti-depressants did their job when I needed them to, at that point in time I was in a real dark place, but the medication served it’s purpose, I guess though that I got dependant on it and afraid not to take it for fear of falling back into that dark place.  Maybe in the earlier months, that was true, but the last few months it hasn’t been that way.  I am so glad I listened to that voice inside that said “move forward, it’s time”.

I remember just as I was beginning to slip into that dark place, I had a vision, it played like a video in front of my eyes, I saw myself stood on the side of a harbour fishing, when something grabbed the line and pulled me under the water, after a few moments in the distance a whale breached the water and splashed back down and disappeared.

That night I picked up my bible and read the book of Jonah, I felt the vision was telling me I was running away from where God needed me to be.  When I look back now, I know that to be true, but now I feel like the whale has brought me back and spat me back out right where God wants me to be.

It has been a journey of discovery over these last few months too, I’ve still had some good times and great experiences, I’ve still learnt a great deal from the experience, it’s been a time of testing, but I kept praying and asking for strength to make it through, just like my first prayer way back on 21st March 2012, I still ask for strength to keep this journey going and that prayer get’s answered every single day, just like that first prayer.

I’m not entirely sure why, but this song has played on my iPod three times over the last couple of days, I’ve heard this song many times over the last few years, but only now I have really listened to the lyrics, I guess there is a little of my journey in the words.

HELL ON THE THROAT by DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL
A line of strands to mark the trail,
No one said it would be easy.

I must admit I thought the risk was better waged in younger seasons,
But all these years in the cold play hell on the throat
Till everything I say burns like cinders,
Well it’s hard to belong to a girl or a song
And the crease of a strangling winter

It’s strange to be lost, stranger still to belong 
On the strings of a twisting line.

Along the way the turns are sharp,
No one said they would be easy,
I must admit I thought the trip was better in younger seasons.
But all these years in the pursuit made a man of a fool,
Till every word I say is on wavered

Well it’s hard to belong to a girl or a song
In the case of a selfish believer,
It’s strange to be lost and stranger still to belong 
On the strings in a twisting line

Well it’s hard to belong to a girl or a song
In the case of a selfish believer,
It’s strange to be lost and stranger still to belong 
On the strings in a twisting line

And when the path I have made
From the grass to the grave,
I will love you still.
And when the sand turns to glass
And all that’s left is the past
And I will love you still.

Return to the Weird & Wonderful World of Search Engines

Back in December I wrote the post “Weird & Wonderful World of Search Engines” with a humorous look at some of the search engine terms that found my Blog, some terms are quite obvious and others are just a little disturbing, I know I have issues and write about many things, but I’m still not sure I have a problem with breastfeeding and a Bladder issue!

Still my post “Say Goodbye To Otto” seems to garner the most attention, over 23 different search terms and 98 hits have found this page, on one day alone 39 hits for the same term “airplane otto” found the page alone, they must have really loved my writing about their most beloved page to come back 39 times in one hour!

One of the more interest was the word “крещение”, I didn’t have a clue what it meant, so I put it in Google Translate, it turns out it is Russian for baptism, so you lean something new every day, but I still do know how to pronounce it!

So I have picked another handful to have a little fun with.

“serach eng”
I know sometimes my spelling is atrocious, I was dragged up after all, but I mainly type my posts into Microsoft Word, run spell check and then check it again in the dashboard, so I’m sure it’s not my mistake, so there.

“angry bird pointing left”
I have posted about my once long running battle with a particularly aggressive Guinea Fowl, but I don’t play Angry Birds, I think my Son may do, but why it’s pointing left, to be honest I haven’t got a clue.

“bricked sensei”
I like this one, even though I don’t really know what it means, I’ve written a little about my karate and Sensei means in simple terms teacher, but a bricked sensei, not sure I’ve mentioned an instructor who has actually bricked themselves, although I was in a class once when I was young where a young boy pooed on the floor!

“beer bottom recovery”
Err, ok I kind of get this one, yes when I was drinking everyday, I was quite regular, but I wouldn’t class it a “beer bottom”, I also know I had a beer belly or Beer Shelf as I preferred to call it, but a beer bottom, a) what is it? and b) how do you recover from it?

“bottom de superman”
Right, so it means bottom of Superman, well I have written about my superman suit, but Superman’s bottom, ern no thanks, I am in no way interested in the Buns Of Steel, thank you very much.

“naked ladies botoms”
Now OK I will admit I am more interested in ladies bottoms than Superman’s, but a) I have never posted a naked bottom on my blog and b) I can spell bottom.

So over the past six weeks, or so since my original look at my search terms, it would seem that I am becoming the key site for lovers of Airplane! The Movie, a popular place for bottom lovers and the place for spell checking challenged, well at least the bed wetting community have started to look elsewhere!

I’ve decided as these search engine terms are completely random, then a random song choice will go with the post, so here is a song I love, but haven’t listen to for a long time, No News Is Bad News by Dashboard Confessional.