Tag Archives: Dead Man (Carry Me)

True Realisation

The 13th March 2012 may seem so long ago now, seven years have passed by, yet the memories of that night still seem so fresh. That was a day when I really found out who I had become, only by truly realising the true loss of my actions over the past two years did I come to terms with the truth that I had a problem, a big one, one I could no longer hide from.

People I knew had relationships ending and I came to realise that my own with Victoria was virtually dead and I didn’t want that anymore. Over the last couple of years where I had been without regular work and income, I had disappeared into this bubble of my own, I removed myself from the family around me and fell into a bottle. I didn’t mean any of that, it just went that way and the deeper I fell, the more distant I got, I was sleeping on the settee and not really embracing any of what I had.

In my mind I told myself if I could just get a job, full time income, money coming in again, then all would be okay and all would fall back into place, as though nothing had ever happened, myself and Victoria could get back on track, actively loving each other.

Now I had a job, I had had one for over four months, yet nothing had really changed, except I got deeper into my pit. The income didn’t solve any problems, it made them worse, now I had more money, so more money to spend on drink and this I did.

But as I watched others break up, I knew I had to do something, so I spoke to Victoria about where we were, I had been putting this off, deep down I think I knew it was over, yet didn’t want to hear or admit it. But it was too late, that night we were over. We would carry on living in the same house, but as a relationship or partnership, there was no going back, she said it was over.

I remember breaking down into tears and just falling to the floor, I pleaded, but it was in vain, I had lost everything, my true love was gone, I had let this happen and I had no control, the alcohol was my master.

After our talk, all I wanted to do is drink, I couldn’t wait to get out the house to the shop at the top of the road, to get a couple of bottles of wine and drink them. I tried to fight it, but couldn’t, as I walked to the door I was in tears, all I could say to Victoria was I’m sorry, but I can’t stop it anymore, I couldn’t fight this addiction, it was killing me and all I loved, but I couldn’t stop it.

I went to the shop, brought the wine and drank it. Each night as that week went on, I repeated the same, crying, apologising as I went out to the shop for more wine. I had no appetite for food, for three days I practically never ate, just drank, whatever I could get my hands on.

I asked Victoria if I could speak with her Pastor, I told her I needed help, but in reality I was lying, I was convinced if I spoke with him, tell him who I felt and how much I actually loved Victoria, he would put things right between us, she listened to him and respected him, this was the way forward.

But as the weekend came, things were changing, I needed that meeting with Gareth more and more, it was no longer about any possible partnership, now it was our my survival, I was falling further and further, I was ready to let go.

I needed help!

DEAD MAN (CARRY ME) by JARS OF CLAY
January One
I got a lot of things on my mind 
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite 
I try to lift a finger but I don’t think I can make a call 
So tell me if I move ’cause I don’t feel anything at all 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral 
But it’s better than a party full of people I don’t really know 
Well, they’ve got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth 
There’s something in my veins but I can’t seem to make it work 
Won’t work 

So carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Can you find a beat? 
Inside of me? 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Any pulse, getting worse 
Inside of me 
In front of me 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

Carry me 
I’m just a dead man 
Lying on the carpet 
Can’t find a heartbeat 
Make me breathe 
I wanna be a new man 
Tired of the old one 
Out with the old plan 

The Story So Far – Chapter 4 – The Cracks Become A Canyon

CHAPTER 4 – THE CRACKS BECOME A CANYON

But then on Monday 12th March 2012, a few things happened that woke me up.  When I got into work that morning there was an obvious atmosphere, my Boss was acting anything but himself, then he came to talk to me, I had known him over twenty years and been a friend of the family and a karate instructor to him and his kids for many years.  Then he began to break down, he told me his partner had been seeing somebody else behind his back, he told me how much it hurt and I could see the pain in his face, as he tried everything he could to hold back the tears.

He spoke of how much he wanted to make things work, how he had been so busy with everything he had neglected to pay attention to his relationship, he had no idea what had been going on.  That set me off thinking how much I was letting my relationship slip, how I needed to get a grip on things before it was way too late.  But I didn’t know where to start or how to approach it, the fear of not being wanted anymore was so strong, I couldn’t face it.

Then later that evening something happened at home which hit home just how bad things were.  My daughter let something slip and straight away Victoria hushed it up, don’t get me wrong it was nothing like another relationship, but it was something that made me realise we just don’t talk anymore, we just don’t have anything between us anymore, only distance and now secrets.  That evening and all the next day I came to realise I had to sort this out sooner rather than later.

The next evening I caught her as she was taking the kids to her Mum’s for tea, I asked her if we could talk when she got back, to which she agreed.  When she got back I started by apologising for everything I had put her through over the last couple of years, for how bad I had been to live with, that I was sorry and how much I wanted to get things back on track and sort myself out.

But it was too late, with no emotion she said it was over, there was no going back, she had made her decision and nothing was going to change that.  She had tried to make it work so many times in the past, this time it was one time too late, she couldn’t do it again.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame Victoria for any of this, I couldn’t blame her for taking that stance, not after what I put her through, I guess over the last couple of years she had tried to make things work, but I wasn’t interested, in the end she did what she had to do, look after the kids, make sure the bills were paid, made sure we had a home and made sure we had food on the table, everything I couldn’t do, everything she tried to build, I tore down, could I blame her, no I would probably do the same thing in her position.

I remember falling on the floor at her feet, begging for another chance.  I even threatened to kill myself, I don’t think she took that seriously, but then again she didn’t know that I had held that blade to wrist so many times, the indents it made on my skin without actually cutting into it, no one knew, only me.  I cried, I begged, I pleaded, but it was all too late, I had left it too long, I had had my chances to sort this out so many times before, this time is was too late, it was over.  We agreed that as we had managed to live separate lives for the best part of two years, then we could carry on that way, it made financial sense and practical sense, if it got heavy or stressful then we would cross that hurdle when we came to it.

I cleaned myself up, brushed off the tears from my face, but then I realised I needed a drink, I couldn’t cope with all of this, I needed to drink, because this was too much to carry.  I put my coat on, got to the door, Victoria’s bedroom is downstairs and you have to pass it to get the back door, as I walked to the door to go to the shop, I apologised for what I was about to do, I said I couldn’t help it, I needed a drink, I was so sorry, but I wasn’t strong enough to beat it, the beast had me, it had defeated me and it had taken the one thing that meant the most to me, now it had me, I was powerless.

The next day at work I was I mess, I went straight into my Boss’s office and told him all that had happened the night before, we were both in a mess now.  What he didn’t understand was the drinking, he had sat in the pub with me many times, he knew me in and out of work, he knew I liked a drink, but nether suspected that I had a problem, let’s face it, apart from Victoria nobody knew I had a problem, not even me, I did now, but I was powerless.

I never ate that day, I couldn’t.  When I got home Victoria had made tea, I couldn’t eat it, I couldn’t eat anything, I had no appetite, not for anything other than drink.  All I wanted to do was drink, I tried not to, I really did, I paced the house, rubbed my hands together continuously and then started scratching at my skin, I tried to beat it, trust me I really did, for the first time ever I realised I had a big problem, I think this was the first night that I realised I was an alcoholic, I just couldn’t beat it, I walked to the back door, I apologised to Victoria on the way, I didn’t want to drink, but I had too, she said she understood, I’m not sure whether she really did, but I hated myself for doing it, for giving in to the thing that was destroying me, but I just couldn’t help it, I went out brought a number of cans and a couple of bottles of wine and come home and settled back into the same routine that had robbed me of all that was good in my life.

The next day I still had no appetite, I didn’t eat at all once again, by now I hadn’t had anything to eat since Tuesday morning, I tried, but everything felt tasteless, like cardboard, I just spat everything back out as I couldn’t bring myself to swallow it.  After work I had to nip into the architects, she knew there was something wrong and once again I ended up breaking down and telling her the whole sorry story.  I had worked for her for over twelve years, she knew I liked a drink and drank regularly, but she also never suspected there was a problem, again I had managed to pull the wool over someone’s eyes.

But that was where I managed to hatch the most selfish of plans. I knew Victoria really respected her Pastor, she often said how she found herself moved when he spoke to her.  I knew Gareth, I had met him many times over the last four years or so, long before all this turmoil started, he was also one of that ones that sat with me in my front room, watching the football, the day of my daughter’s dedication, he had always been really nice to me and I actually really liked him.  I decided that if I was to speak with him, tell him just how much I loved Victoria and how sorry I was, then he could talk to her and get her to change her mind, he could mediate something to get us back together, there was no intention of getting help for myself, just to get him to sort out our relationship.

When I got home I asked Victoria for a quick chat, I told her how much I was struggling and to be truthful, I was, I told her I needed someone to speak to and asked her if it was okay with her if I could speak to Gareth.  I would never have gone straight to Gareth without asking her first, I would never go behind her back like that, even though ultimately I had these selfish motives for asking for this meeting.  She agreed and said she would speak to him at the weekend.

It wasn’t until Friday evening that I managed to get a full meal down me, I still didn’t have much of an appetite, but I knew I had to eat something, we ordered a takeaway and I managed to eat it.  I did wash it down with a few pints of cider and a couple of bottles of wine, I still couldn’t stop drinking and each night I drank a little more, I apologised every time I left the house to replenish me stocks, I couldn’t help it and I had to let her know that, I was powerless, I was weak.

DEAD MAN (CARRY ME) by JARS OF CLAY
January 1, I’ve got a lot of things on my mind
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite
Try to lift a finger, but I don’t think I can make the call
So tell me if I move, ’cause I don’t feel anything at all

So Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don’t really know
They’ve got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There’s something in my veins,
But I can’t seem to make it work… won’t work

So Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Can you find a beat inside of me?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Inside of me, can you find a beat?

Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Carry Me,
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan