The Forest – Psalm 25:16-18
In the forest
And all alone
Snow gently falling
From frozen leaves
I shout, I cry
Yet not a soul hears me
I’ve been left alone
To fend for myself
But You, oh Lord
Always hear me
You ease my pain
And remove these trees
The enclose my soul
Each one a fear
I’ve refused to release
And now I am here
Beneath the great sunshine
And the gentle breeze
Of a warm summers day
Misery And The Bottle – Proverbs 31:6-7
My misery
No longer ties to the bottle
And the brokenness ti brought
Faded away
The beer
The wine
Seem all so distant
Not found upon this path
I walk with the Lord
With Him I find my joy
And the strength to leave my past
And the bottle no longer holds me
Released from deep within it’s grasp
Sound Of Thunder – Psalm 29:3-4
The sound like thunder
Came over the waves
To meet yonder shore
Where a lone child hid
Hiding from the world
His shame and the pain
But in the thunder a voice
That broke through his shame
The voice of the Lord
Burnt through the darkness
The power of the voice
Lifted the soul
And carried him home
To a kingdom to belong to
No longer alone
Or hiding in shame
Anxious – Philippians 4:6-8
Tasted the anxious
Held to the panic
Let it gather
And grip
I let it guide the heart
Helpless to fight against
I tried to climb above it
Put myself before it’s worth
But it seems to hold
Ever tighter
Just not letting go
I leave it so late to pray
But why?
As He always hears me
Always answers my cry
That’s when the grip slips away
It’s hold broken for now
And in His arms I fall
Free to enjoy His favour
Safe within His love
My Destruction – Proverbs 16:18
My destruction
All my pride
Could it all have been avoided
If I had opened up my world
Let them in sooner
To the darkness
And the despair
Could the fall have been less
If not for stubborn pride
A typical man
Wouldn’t show my weakness
Not until it was too late
And all came down
Then pride fell
And the light came in
To set me free
From the worst of myself
To open the doors
To a better path
To a better life
Just Hold On – Isaiah 35:4
To all those
Treading the same paths
I wandered once before
Times long ago
When the bottle
A strange partner
In an effort
To break my world
To you
I say this
Hold on
Be strong
I know the pain
The emptiness
The despair
But He will come
Just wait
Stay strong
The world will change
Darkness to light
Hope from despair
So fear not
The time will come
Just hold on
My Own Darkness – Job 19:8
Too many times
My own thoughts
My inner self
My own darkness
Forms the walls
That block my way
Shutting out the light
Fencing me in
The dark paces
My mind creates
Still He shines the light
That breaks on through
Taking down the walls
That block the way
Igniting the fires
The ones deep within
That dissolve the darkness
Leaving only my light
2800 Days, 400 Weeks Sober
From a time it would be hard to imagine getting through one day without alcohol to 2800 days, 400 weeks later, now it’s hard to imagine how I could have got this far without the Grace and the Strength of the Lord, none of this could be done without His love.
Before I wasn’t a nice person to be around when I tried not to drink, there were times when I had no money left and fought the urge to take what money I can find in the house to get a drink. I was short tempered and on edge, pacing around, snapping at the kids. On those night’s Victoria would give me the money she had saved for food or bills, she said she couldn’t have me in the house like this, I was better to be around drinking, than not, that wasn’t normal, was it?
Somewhere deep down I guess I knew there was a problem, but that’s it with addiction isn’t it, it won’t let you admit it. I was more comfortable drifting off into a deep sleep with a body pulsing with alcohol than spending quality time with those who loved me.
Before I realised how bad it was, I had lost the person I loved most, thankfully the kids never saw the worst of it, I wasn’t violent or abusive, in fact given the amount I drank I never lost control, I just got comfortable. But as time went on it took more and more to get to that point, to get to the point I could sleep through the night.
My excuse, it was so I could relax and sleep, get through my problems without sinking, not much of an excuse I know. I was convinced I was in control, not until I realised I had lost Victoria, did I realise how bad I was and how in reality I had lost myself. In a way I hadn’t lost her, I guess she had lost the real me.
Even before the day I so wanted to take my own life, before my soon to be Pastor came to see me, before I made that first prayer, I can see the path to recovery that God had laid out to me.
He brought people into my life that would be the ones who helped me through those early weeks of recovery. He put his word in my heart through music, four years before I turned to God, I had begun listening to Christian Alternative and Rock music, I sang along, not understanding the truth within it, but it was there for a reason, steps to come home to.
No one said it would be an easy ride, it hasn’t been.
Within a few weeks of quitting drinking, the withdrawals set in and the aches and pain almost became unbearable, to the point I felt drinking again was the only freedom from it.
I soon found out that is was prayer that set me free from the pain and the pull of the bottle.
At times I struggle with depression and anxiety, I’ve had a spell on anti depressants. Currently I have to take mild anti depressant for persistent headaches that I’ve had since June, they’ve been diagnosed as tension headaches, some days they get me down, others aren’t too bad, light makes it worse, so I now wear glasses for reading etc, but also if I find the lights bringing my headache on.
I’ve been through periods of anxiety and suffered only a few weeks ago from a series of panic attacks, it made life difficult for a few weeks.
But I keep fighting, keep counting those days.
In truth, it may been 400 weeks, but this is just the start of the journey, just the beginning of a journey through life with God, everyday is a step in His grace, a day to be thankful for, even in the depression, the anxiety, the pain, I can still be thankful that He loved me enough to save me.
A few weeks ago I came across this song when I heard Dolly Parton had sung a it at the recent Country Music Awards Ceremony, over here in the UK we don’t really know much about Country Music, but most people know who Dolly is, there is after all only one Dolly Parton. Once I heard the live version I sought out the original and came across Zach Williams’ album, I love it, but this song I have had on repeat for most of the last few weeks, I feel it could have almost been written for me, it expresses exactly how I feel, through everything THERE WAS JESUS.
THERE WAS JESUS by ZACH WILLIAMS & DOLLY PARTON
Every time I try to make it on my own
Every time I try to stand, I start to fall
And all those lonely roads that I have traveled on
There was Jesus
When the life I built came crashing to the ground
When the friends I had were nowhere to be found
I couldn’t see it then but I can see it now
There was Jesus
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
For this man who needs amazing kind of grace
For forgiveness and a price I couldn’t pay
I’m not perfect so I thank God every day
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
On the mountains
In the valleys
There was Jesus
In the shadows
Of the alleys
There was Jesus
In the fire, in the flood
There was Jesus
Always is and always was, oh
No, I never walk alone
Never walk alone
You’re always there
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been or where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it
Or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
There was Jesus
If There’s A Beat – Hebrews 12:28-29
And now they’ve come
To steal it all
To shake me down
To break it all
Beaten down
Not much left
Just a heart beat
No matter how faint
And if there’s a beat
Then there’s a song I can sing
It may be faint
Yet with every word
The beat gets stronger
Louder to be heard
So here I am singing
This worship song
To the only beat left
Beneath it all
Hear this song
It’s word of hope
There maybe little else left
Yet my worship will be heard
Hebrews 12:28-29
The Caged Beast – Romans 16:20
If there’s ever a moment
Ever a time
The time is now
The moment is here
Lord, the beast within is stirring
Messing with my mind
It’s taking my hopes
Attacking my dreams
And I am falling
Deeper and deeper
To where it lies
Deep within the pit
From which You pulled me out
Oh, my Lord
Here I am
Struggling against the grip
Of this beast inside
Oh, my Lord
I pray to crush my enemy
Set it beneath Your feet
So when the evening comes
I feel Your peace
And when sleep arrives
This days is forgotten
And I am free
Just one more time
From the caged beast
The beast inside
Romans 16:20
The Bottom of a Bottle 